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Posts by hydromorphone
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2015-11-27 at 6:26 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionIve been thinking a lot lately why I lurk and post here with you guys. People have told me I should find a mothering forum or whatever, especially when my post partum depression was bad. Ive thought about it, Ive onoccasion looked over some topics on them, I do that with other forum too on shit Im interested in/seeking an answer or information, but the real reason I dont is because you all are a pretty rare bunch of weirdos that fits my take on life a lot closer than any other community has. I couldnt really say what I mean, or even describe my use of T-PAIN without being misunderstood, looked down on or nobody really understand wtf it is. I dont think I fall in line as a typical mother. Dont get me wrong, I love and care about my child, but like my father when he was raising me, he often had a lot of people, particularly woman, question how he was raising me and his ideals to being honest and refraining from sugar coating reality regardless of my age (age 5, my favorite movie was Heavy Metal if that gives you an idea of how my father never sheltered me from the world). I dont feel Id fit in with what society deems a mother should be. In someways, I dont feel like I fit here either, but you all atleast can appreciate drug use, self medicating and feeling fucked in the head.
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2015-11-27 at 4:27 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionWell, I did PM you a few days ago and Blah earlier today. You got a trash email I can just message you with since this piece of shit site (Lanny, come on.. we fucking need PMs) cant have a simple function work right? Im poor as fuck atm. Im trying the shit I have at hand first. Having money, Id probably give it a try. Too bad I didnt ask at my doctors and just say what I said to get the kpins and my beta-blocker, itd been free then. Oh well. (FYI I havent touched the kpins. Ive been selling them. Benzos are no good for me and Ive sworn them off). I feel like the T-PAIN has been keeping me in check most the time. While I may think about doing it a lot, I dont know hpw to describe it, but it keeps me from acting if that makes sense. There has been a few times I was going to do it, was serious, but had made a promise to a friend and was talked down. Most of those times I either didnt have T-PAIN, or was low. One of those times I was taking Crouton to help while my shit got mailed and it made my depression much worse. Mostly what stops me though is my son. I see him look up at me and smile is little innocent derpy drooly smile at me, just randomly, and it melts my heart. When I think about doing it, I think about setting him up so he will be safe first off and in a position to have a good life. Then I think about handing him over to someone knowing Ill never see him again.. I cannot describe the despair I feel when I have that play through my head. He is a good baby and Im not saying that like all mothers say their child is the best. He doesnt cry a hell of a lot, and when he does, picking him up or giving him a bottle stops it except for when he was sick a little while ago- that frightened the fuck out of me. I kept thinking my baby was going to die. I was having anxiety attacks and was overwhelmed seeing him so sick. besides that though, he sleeps good and never is fussy even we we go out, he is the perfect child to take anywhere and others have commented that. If he were any other baby I dont know what I would do. Babies are stressful by default, but he is on the low end of that scale and I am thankful for that. He smiles and babbles like babies do, the dogs play with him and he enjoys their company. The dogs offer me a break when I am too emotionally unable to show him attention and I am also thankful for that. I love my son with all my heart. I never thought Id feel the way I do about him. Ive never felt like this in my life and was always sceptical of people saying a baby changes how you feel/youll never love anything more when you have one ect. But I can say its the truth, atleast for me. I have no reason to put up a front for you guys.. if I didnt love him or didnt have this fucked up unconditional love for him, Id say so and hed either be put up for adoption, with dcf, or with his father. I wouldnt be dealing with this child like I am because firstly I didnt want a baby. I wanted to have a baby to make my husband happy and when the opportunity cameto have him (I swear on his life I didnt intentionally use §m£ÂgØL to get pregnant, but I mean when I found out I was pregnant) he said he wanted him and would cherish and treat him as his own. §m£ÂgØL is the biological father, but my husband signed the BC. Obviously that was a mistake to believe that lying and manipulating sack of shit, but I do love my child, I am genuinely glad he is in my life and I wouldnt change having him, I just wish it were under different circumstances. Anyway.. its been tough and Ive had nobody for a long while. The person who did talk me down is no longer in my life and it doesnt seem like they will be back anytime soon. My husband had many times encouraged me to kill myself by treated me like shit, walking away when I said I needed help. Even told me while I was suicidal and pregnant when I planned to off myself with a bottle of acepromazine, propranolol and somas that if Ididnt die relatively quick, he would shoot me in the head and make it look like I did it. Looking back, I think he wanted me to die so he could continue mooching off my grandmother and not have to deal with my shit/my nagging for him to get anjob or do what needed doing around this fucked up house. The dogs are a blessing and a curse. They do offer me comfort and some measure of companionship but they are also a handful to deal with alone. I desparately need help fixing the fence so they dont run off and give me anxiety attacks over them getting shot or having the neighbors call animal control again. This job is probably notgoing to work out. The girl whosaid shed help me is now 'not sure' since she has so much on her plate now. Her dumbass babydaddy got busted with a QP and is in jail, and shes wanting to bail him out sobhe can just go to the local county jail where his warrant is issued for because 'the jail hes in is really tough' its retarded. Shes retarded, both of them are retarded and their kid is probably retarded too. This woman and her babydaddy were driving on a suspeneded license with both her kids, doing 'molly' and she 'had to' eat a bottle of flexeril when they got stopped. Like wtf? Who fucking does this with their kids. I know Im not perfect but I not going to do a drug thatll impair me like that, drive on a license thats suspended with my child in the car. I couldnt ever imagine risking his life and my custody of him like that, for anything. Their level of stuoidity amazes me. Also shes been calling me for 'support', she lives with her mom and stepdad, and has bothers and sisters and when she took me to town the oneday she had 4 friends call her to bullshit. Maybe life isnt perfect for her, but she really doesnt see they fucked up lot I am in atm. Shes really self centered. She has helped me, she isnt a bad person, just retarded. I dont know what to do anymore. If something good happens, 10 bad things happen shortly there after it seems.
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2015-11-26 at 11:19 PM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionI did shoot you a PM. Malice hasnt responded if hes recieved the one I sent a bit ago so idk if they are sending or not.
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2015-11-26 at 6:06 PM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionIve been depressed for a long time now, Ive been trying to keep my chin up, but not just the shit today, but everything has gotten to me and I dont think I can take much more. I have 55 or so 80mg propranolol, 30+ kpins, and 80+ grams of T-PAIN. The lethal dose for propranolol is a gram or just over if I recall. Im not going to do it, not just yet, Id set my son up with a better life before I did, but its really tempting when your body and mind hurt so much and trying seems futile and only going to lead to more hurt and pain. I truely have nobody except my son and the animals. Loneliness is a terrible thing.
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2015-11-26 at 5:18 PM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionHow petty can someone be, especially on a holiday about thanks giving? My old old coonhound, Sadie, shes the quiet type and I didnt even realize she slipped out the door. Anyway, I hear gun shots and people screaming 'go home dog!' and here is poor old Sadiegirl at the very end of their 5 acre property laying in the grass between their mailbox and my mailbox soaking in a patch of warm sun on her old bones. This dog was no where near their house and was so close to my property that.. come on, you cant leave an old dog who aint making a sound enjoy the bit of sun shes soaking in? They went out of their way to be cruel and hateful. They could have just shooed her off, she would have slowly sauntered off the same way she did just now with the gun shots at her. I swear to fuck, if they shot my dog, especially her because she so laid back and is not a trouble maker in the least, youd probably hear about this on the front page of some news paper. If I ever go off the deep end, truely go off the deep end... my nieghbors.. they are going to have a lot to answer for.
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2015-11-26 at 2:54 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition
Just made a bourbon pecan pie with Eagle Rare 10 year bourbon and picked up a six pack of Arrogant Bastard ale to help me cope with the family tomorrow because apparently its frowned upon for me to show up lugging a liter of whiskey with me.
They are just frowning because they didnt think to lug around a liter of whiskey with them. I dont know why so many people go through the song and dance of appeasing and spending a day with people they barely know at best and at worst truely hate. There isnt one happy thanksgiving or christmas get together I was ever drug to that I can recall. It was always people bitching and underminding other people and for like an hour while eating people pretended to like each other.
Oh BTW Malice, did you get my PM? If you decided not to reply thats fine, but I know the PMs have been not working right is why I am asking. -
2015-11-24 at 4:18 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionFuck Thanksgiving (the holiday, not the act itself). Im not celebrating the holiday, I was sort of half ass invited to a dinner, but Id rather not go when Im only being invited for sympathy. Im thankful for my child being healthy and happy, my dogs, my bird, my cats. Im thankful for a few friendships I have, and people in my life who mean something. Im thankful for drugs, especially T-PAIN and opiates. I am thankful the people who brought me the most stress, pain and craziness are out of my life. I am thankful I have plenty of food, for both myself, my son and the animals and plenty of drugs to boot. Im thankful I have a roof over my head and electricity and while I dont have heat Im thankful the animals share my bed and keep us warm (a three dog night is a legit thing around here). I dont need to spend a day with people I can barely stand, arguing over stupid shit, getting drunk off of toomuch food and turkey to be thankful for what I have. If I do anything to halfass celebrate, Ill make hotwings and feed the dogs vanilla icecream and ham.
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2015-11-23 at 2:54 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionNo, I didnt name my baby Frodo or §m£ÂgØL (I actually have a derp eye cat who has feline herpes named §m£ÂgØL though. My ex named his long before I started corresponding with §m£ÂgØL. §m£ÂgØL, my cat, is kinda retarded, but hes a loving little guy). My son's name is much cooler than that shit. he actually has a pretty long name, with two middle names. His last name is neither mine, my ex husband's or even §m£ÂgØL's. It was something my dad would have got a kick out of and a name my dad used to tease/call me as a term of enderment. Hopefully he grows up to like huis unique name. Everything about his name is tied into my dad. Since he cant have the grandfather he should of had in his life, I hope his name will bring him closer in knowing who he was and what sort of man my father was. It truely is a shame he will never know him in this life. My dad had his faults, he was by no means a perfect person, but he was a good person, and had a unique persective of the world he imparted to me and hopefully I will to my son.
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2015-11-20 at 10:56 PM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionTotse really impacted my life, if not visiting this dark corner I probably wouldnt have had a random stranger hitchhike to my door, stay at my house for nearly a month and engage in a threesome where I got pregnant and now, this moment, have a 6 month old baby playing at my feet. Before that even, in my teens I probably wouldnt have got to see the inside of a nutward and eventually get off the benzos that were really doing me no favors in life. I guess Ill be passing on the totse spirit to this child here. How am I going to ever explain his conception without mentioning totse/zoklet? lol I wish this shit was just an elaborate poorly thoughtout troll, but its not. Oh well, I love him and am glad he is here. Also, just got called for a job interview Monday. Trying to figure out how the fuck Im going to get there and have someone watch him then and while I am at work if (I should get this job) I get hired. Malice, you should babysit for me. You canuse him as a guinea pig for drugs he could fill your void of lacking social interaction and maybe Id get a super genius baby outta the deal. Ah well, back to reality- making phone calls now. Hopefully shit works out.
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2015-11-20 at 6:44 PM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionMalice, I genuinely do appreciate your advice and input. Youre the main reason I stick around here, I try to read all your posts when I can. Youre wealth of knowledge and like Blah said, I respect a nigga who knows their drugs, but you also have a wealth of knowledge beyond just chemicals. Id probably be up for trying that one antidepressant you mentioned (nsi-189 is it? Its on the other page so I cant scroll up to see it and my memory is bad.) if I wasnt piss poor at the moment. You had mentioned it months ago too, and even then I thought about it, though I was breast feeding and trying to continue doing that at them time, but now Ive given up and hes on raw goats milk atm so I am more free to ingest drugs. Im going to be trying bacopa (youd suggested it for my grandmother, and I have some) to see if that helps me. I recall you saying it was very dose dependent on where the line gets drawn from helping to having negative side effects- she never even wanted to take it after I got it so I didnt even look into the dosages. Im gonna look more into it after this post. Oh! I did try the phenylpiracetam a couple times. I dont feel like it helped my memory any (maybe at the time but I honestly couldnt tell), but it gave me a bit of energy and kind of gave me a goofy/off feeling. first I did about 150mgs then the next day I did 300mgs. I didnt like the 300mg dose at all, so afew days later I tried the 150mg or so again. Im not ruling out trying it again, especially if I need a little motivation, but I dont know... I dont think its all that its cracked up to be. I took all doses with choline too. I have a lot of random drugs laying about I may experiement with in time.. There is a lot of times when discussing shit with other people you pop up because of things youve said and mentioned tha ties into the conversation Im having with that person. When Imntion who you are/how I know you its always "some autist on the internet? Wtf lol how do you meet these people" in truth Ive always had aknack for meeting strange people, same as my dad. We used to have s running joke about being weirdo magnets. It always seemed like the craziest people were drawn to us, almost saught us out, compelled and pulled toward us. Anyhow, I gotta make some calls to get rid of these klonopin, take care of the baby and the dogs and shift through these external harddrives I found. found 2 out of 3 I know my dad had, the 1tb one i found had pictures I thought were lost and I spent the better part of the early morning crying my eyes out... I still miss my horse terribly and it brought a flood of emotions back to me seeing those picturesI thought were lost- the best times of my life. I am so thankful my dad had the forsight to back them up and hide the hd away. Who knows whats on the other one, and I still have a 2tb hd I know is around somewhere, I just got to find it. its a fucking technology easter egg hunt in my grandmothers room. So much shit just got thrown in a drawer or stuck in a corner. Iven found a shitload of sd card, flashdrives and other nicknacks here and there.
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2015-11-20 at 3:14 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionOh and another funnything happened. This other lady over heard me talk to this other lady telling her my sons name and while I was out smoking I heard her in her car on her cell phone go on about 'how could she ever name him that? OMG blahblahblah' I dont really wanna even say his first name here, not publicly but its something my dad wanted to name me had I been a boy and has to do with arthinian legend/high fantasy novels. The other day at the library this old woman went on about 'how I didnt think about him getting teased when hes in school' my reply was 'atleast I didnt name him Sue'. Wtf is wrong with people and giving a shit about a name thats different. Its not like I named my child Shithead or Fuckface or Regret for fucks sake. Im blown away anyone cares so much. I dont give a fuck, I like his name and I think he will too, when hes older. He has a unique name and more than can be said for most people. lol his middle and last name are a whoot too. His last name is a pet name my dad would call me from when I was little and it would make me so fucking mad and he would laugh his ass off about. I did it because my dad would have got the ultimate kick out of it and wouldnt ever have thought Id do that. He was a jokster so he would have loved it. Fuck people giving me shit for a perfectly good name. Atleast I cared enough not to be generic and name himsomething gaylike Todd, Dylan or Robert. I thought long and hard about naming him something cool like my dad did with me had he got to name me. If he was gonna be naming a girl I would have been Galadriel.
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2015-11-20 at 2:25 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition
I misinterpreted your post. At first I thought you we're talking about yourself, then I misinterpreted it as it sounding like your husband talking about you, double checked the username, don't know how he would have gotten ahold of your account, then finally realized you were talking about someone else and felt relief you weren't that crazy.
Anyway, if you ever want to fully understand gender, this is by far the best book ever written, from the basis of evolutionary psychology and studies, the immense amount of studies conducted/data available. Actually relatively short, easy to understand and get through, and absolutely fascinating, filled with a variety of information that will make so many things people wonder about the sexes suddenly make perfect sense: http://www.amazon.com/There-Anything-Good-About-Men/dp/019537410X
http://gen.lib.rus.ec
Yeah I havent completely gone off the deep end. Also bitches who go on about 'a man shouldnt hit a woman no matter what' are super retarded. I was raised if you act lady you should be treated like a lady, act like a man, you should be treated like a man.
In other news I went to the doctor today and got my propranolol 80mg and klonopins 60 1mg, also a trash antidepressant. He balked when I said I was taking 2mg ones, but wrote me the 1mg ones. Some Pollock doctor. Anyway Im gonna get those sold for a little income. Im honestly happy I fucking got my propranolol and I got the 80mg ones. I take 40mg so I can just break those bitches in half and stock up. Called tomake an appointment for next month and mention he refilled my antidepressant 3 times but not my BP meds and she was like 'he wont refill scheduled stuff' nigga I know dat this be BP meds, nothing shceduled about fucking propranolol, a 60 year old beta blocker. Got that set up so hopefully this benzo script is regular too. That dumb woman I know gets xanax from him and has regularly for 6 years so I think I will. Shes selling her 1mg xanax for $3 apiece or $2 if the guy takes them all. She said shed see if hes interested in my script so I should be able to get them gone soon and for a decent price. -
2015-11-19 at 12:13 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionYeah, well I thought about you alot today, Malice, especially on the ride home. Woman are fucking retarded. She picks me up and goes on about how horrible her baby daddy treats her, how he does nothing, how hes retarded, has a warrant over a ticket because he was scared to go to court thinking theyd get him on drug charges (lol hes really a stupid drug dealer and paranoid in all the wrong ways) and how her 18month old baby is driving her up a wall. On the way home she goes on about how she wants to get pregnant soon and try for a girl because she always wanted a little girl... like da fuk? With the same douchebag noless and she wants one now so she 'can have a life later'. Look, Ive fucked up, made bad choices, and I admit and accept that, but no fucking way in hell am I going to make shit worse with another child in my life, Im one and done with this baby. Fucking it blew my mind how fucked in the head and selfish she is being. Its not just her, its her two other kids and living with a man who beats her, verbally abuses her and does next to nothing for the kids. I reallynhad no words for her. That is the most retarded shit Ive fucking heard of. Shes not a bad person, just serious stupid...
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2015-11-08 at 11:02 PM UTC in Anyway, IDK if ya'll have heard or care but...
It's called a no-knock. Perfectly legal. You make one false move and they fill everyone in the room full of hot lead.
But "Vince's brother's" story is just not believable. Sorry.
Just because its legal doesnt make it right. Also, the situation was wrong aswell, this wasnt a murder, rapist orother "dangerous" criminal that would warrant that. -
2015-11-08 at 5:16 PM UTC in Anyway, IDK if ya'll have heard or care but...The reason people should care is because if they can kick in this guys door and shoot him dead in his home.. whats stopping them from kicking in your door and murdering you in cold blood in your own home? This isnt a rare thing either, how many times does similar incidents occur I wonder? God knows how many 'wrong addresses' get something they dont even deserve in the slightest. I remember hearing about bad recon dropping pigs off at a house with toys in the front yard (they arent supposed to use certain shit if there even a sign a child lives there). They threw in a flash grenade. It landed in the playpen of I believe a 4 yo. It fucked him up good. It wasnt even the home of whom they were seeking! Thats why people should give more shits about this than the average person does.
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2015-10-20 at 4:32 PM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionWell.. Im floating up Shits Creek.. thanks to §m£ÂgØL I have a paddle though. The cunt tried turning off the electric. Havent heard from her, have have no information.. shes just trying to fuck me the best she can. The waste of life who used to be my husband, his father's friend called me and said he would see if he can help, but I have no faith in that. I atleast go reassurance from someone else he his a piece of shit and just like his mother for what thats worth.
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2015-10-15 at 11:09 PM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionAs for the room renting thing, there is major problems with the house. Its an 1170sqft mid 90’s trailer. My grandmother and father let a lot of problems go for a long time and its just gotten worse. The roof leaks in several spots, Im in the midst of tackling a rat infestation (their idea of dealing with the problem was to get metal trash cans to store food in and just shut the doors of the closet they nested and bred in and refuse to let anyone do anything about it because that ment they couldnt sit and watch tv all day while we were cleaning. Also, my grandmother heard a home remedy for rats that included instant potato flakes and water... so she fed the rats for a year or more like that rather than doing anything to really help). Im sure this place is a fire hazard since the cord to her lamp next to her bed was chewed so badly it ahock the fuck out ofnusbwhen we went to move and unplug it. She got mad at us because I saw that there was a bad leak dripping right in her bed, so atleast for a temporary fix I wanted to move her bed so she wouldnt have to lay in water... youd think someone would be grateful, but no. It inconvienced her and she kept saying it was like that for a year (I didnt notice prior but I honestly didnt think someone wouldlet their bed puddle with water and do nothing about it). The other bedroom is fikles with stuff, and has a severe mold issue from the roof and/or the plumbing leaking. This house has been in the care of people who didnt give a fuck for 5 years and it shows. There have been so many times I wanted to do something about it and fix the problems I could, abd get people to fix the problems I cant (the roof being an example) but its always been a fight or arguement to do so and resulted in nothing being done at all. I really did give up. Thats why I stayed in the garage with my dogs for so long, to avoid them/her and to notnhave to see the despair and have rats crawl on me at night. I realize now how mentally unstable she is, to care so little for rats climbing on her in her sleep, water pooling in her bed when it rains and to be angry at the person who sees it and says "oh shit! You cant sleep like this!", not to mention she couldnt even help go through her own things when we did try to clean the house. Plus, there is the issue of who would be staying with me... I dont trust people especially after the last guest we had stay here. Or it could become an issue like the one with the guy who took me grocery shopping. Plus, like you, I like romping around free and naked in my house so with no one here its been wonderful atleast in that regard.
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2015-10-15 at 3:45 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionOh and before all the weirdness occured he invited me to his house to shoot with him. He has a british 303 and I got a hardon to go shoot with him because well... its a british 303! That bitch is like $1 a shot and can take down an elephant! I dontknow that Im gonna do that now the creep showed through.
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2015-10-15 at 3:39 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition
But at least you have §m£ÂgØL tho, right? …Right?
I dont have anybody except a baby, 11dogs, 3 cats and a macaw. We talk and he has helped me with a fucked up situation I had about a month ago, but he has no obligations to this situation. The day my husband left a friend I used to work with at the grocery store called me back and agreed to take me grocery shopping. He has always been a nice guy and all, though hes an alcoholic and I also addicted him to T-PAIN while I was working there (one day he had a terrible migraine and noone had any tylenol/aspirin so I gave him a dose and the next day he was upmy ass about buying some). We go to the store do the shopping, I buy him a few groceries since he said he was waiting on his foodstamps and he was doing me a favor. Anyway, we get home, he helps me put shit away and I put apizza in the oven for us and we are standing outside he grabs my ass, holds me tigght and tries to kiss me. He knew my husbadn left that day, now hes trying to get in my pants. Im kinda scared of the guy now, I got really bad vibes hes going to expect more if I keep asking him for help. Hes like my dads age and has two kids around my age. He started telling me about the porn he likes and that he was into younggirls (17ish) and thats why his daughter doesnt talk to him. It got weird. Im so glad he is scared of dogs. -
2015-10-13 at 12:38 PM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionLanny, I never thought about a body cam, but when about a month or so before the writing on the dry eraseboard I thought about getting a small camera to hide since shit had been mysteriously disapearing and I wanted to see who was doing it. The second encounter happened feet away from me with my now Exhusband next to me. If this is me going crazy, then it was happening to everyone around me with the same 'hallucinations' or whatever you wanna call it. Im too poor and have a baby to spend every spare cent on now, else I would. Well, my exhusband finally left this morning to WA. Its been a relief since all he wanted to do before he left was fight and argue. He called me everyname in the book, even though I was the one to pay for his ticket since hes too much of a shitbag to have even done that. My grandmother who is amissing person has yet to show up and I havent heard anything from the police either. YaY! For my life!