Posts by hydromorphone

1. 2016-02-07 at 11:23 AM UTC in I will no longer be posting on this website.
   hydromorphone victim of incest [insincerely conduce my paisley]
   Look back at the first posts I made- i even said it was because you refused to let me speak with her amd threatened me with cops at MY DOOR AND DCF.
2. 2016-02-07 at 11:22 AM UTC in I will no longer be posting on this website.
   hydromorphone victim of incest [insincerely conduce my paisley]
   Do you realize that youve killed me, tomas? Youve fucking ripped my heart out and ruined my job, my life, everything? All I ever did was love you and try my damnedest to be good to you. Id have never jad contacted her like that if youd just have spent one moment to talk to me first.
3. 2016-02-07 at 11:20 AM UTC in I will no longer be posting on this website.
   hydromorphone victim of incest [insincerely conduce my paisley]
   The reason I called the cops is because I had no way to contact your mother and you threatened the police onnme if I kepttrying talked to her. obiously, they lied to me and she doesnt know still.
4. 2016-02-07 at 11:05 AM UTC in I will no longer be posting on this website.
   hydromorphone victim of incest [insincerely conduce my paisley]
   Youve hurt me so fucking much.. I just want to shoot myself now. Im in tears because thats not what I told the cops. Youre the love of my life and by throwing me away, after all the hell Ive been through trying to make life better, being called a piece of ahit, by being belittled and shat on because of the benzos I sent you and begged for you to throw way... yiud just wouldnt even talk to me. This is why Im giving up and killing myslef. my best friend has lied and disrespected me so much and coukdnt even give me a fair chance. I swear I swear I swear I didnt say that to youd hurt youmom. Imcallingthe police right fucking now to rectify this becausr thats not what I said and I recorded my call. They are goingto pay for this. Expect a cop in the next 30 minutes explaining THE TRUTH of what they were supoosed to be at yiu house for- to tell your mom she has a grandson.
5. 2016-02-07 at 11 AM UTC in I will no longer be posting on this website.
   hydromorphone victim of incest [insincerely conduce my paisley]
   Youre a liar now. I fuvk swear, I EVEN SAID TO THE POLICE- YOU WOULDNT EVER HARM YOUR FAMILY, NOT EVER, YOU WERE JUST IMPEDING ME WITH THREATS TO CONTACT YOUR MOM. they said theyd do a welfare check. I didnt want cops at my door but it was crutical I spoke with her since I wont be here to care for my son any longer and she needs to know she has a grandson. This is why I am going to court monday morning. You could have let metalk to her, and if they didnt want to raise him, id have never ever drug you through court. I went 3 days working my ass off without so WE could make a life together and you send me an emaal while at work sayingbyoure cutting me out of your life. I am suicidal, I am going to die because yiuve taken everything from me. you were my heart and soul and I wanted to GIVE YOU my son. I dont want child supoort, I made a promisez Im an honest person but youre the one lying now. Im begging yiu, please talk to me before I go to the court house monday. I wont bother you again if yiu do. Ill leave you out of the court shit and just put him for adoption myself. But I am begging you, please hust talk to me a final time.
6. 2016-02-07 at 10:52 AM UTC in I will no longer be posting on this website.
   hydromorphone victim of incest [insincerely conduce my paisley]
   I SWEAR ON EVERYTHING I DID NOT TELL THE COPS YOUBWERE GOING TO KILL YOUR MOTHER. I WAS TRYING TO CONTACT YOUR MOTHER AND YOU REFUSED TO LET ME SPEAK TO HER. AND THREATENDED THAT IF I KEPT TRYING TO CONTACT YOUR MOM- NOT YOU. YOU WOULD CALL DCF AND THE COPS ON ME. I SWEAR ON MY SONS LIFE I SAID T O THE COPS THAT I WAS TRYING TO CONTACT YOUR MOTHER, ON A TELEPHONE IN HER NAME TO SEE IF THEYD BE INTERESTED IN RAISING THIS CHILD THAT IS THEIR AND YOUR FLESH AND BLOOD. I NEVER EVER SAID YOU WERE A THREAT TO YOUR FAMILY, I SWEAR TO GOD ONMY SON ON ALL I HOLD DEAR I DID NOT SAY THAT TO THE POLICE.
7. 2016-02-07 at 10:30 AM UTC in I will no longer be posting on this website.
   hydromorphone victim of incest [insincerely conduce my paisley]
   Look as for airing dirty laundry- you made this thread saying you werent going to post here anymore. You broke my heart on the regular and played games with me. Im sorry if all this hurt you, but you wouldnt even have a fucking dicussion with me to even talk about things we had to play this fucked up shit through text messages that youd misinterperate or completely hallucinate shit I did not send or did not say. As for the tale of fuckery, youve got some shit out of order or completely wrong. I pulled the gun on my husband the first night and wanted him gone. I as sick and tired that he lied and embarrassed the fuck out of me- he promised the house would be clean for when you came. I am so very greatful for all you did to help, but that wasnt your job to help. As for the second time, I had told you to leave for a day, day and a half, to get ready to go because I couldnt deal with the embarrassment, the shame and the hopelessness and I knew shit was going to keep getting worse and I was trying to spare you from all that. My husband BROUGHT me the the gun right before I came in the house because I was planning to shoot myself in the head- he was aware of this and pretty nuch encouraged me to kill myself all the time. Then I snapped. I did something so awful and will, for the rest of my life be trying to make up for- I cant, but I swear Ill never be that person again, to you or anybody else. That was the only two times the guns were pulled. He put them somewhere I didnt know where they were at until the day you left. The next day he gave me the gun because I was suicidal again. This man wanted me to die, obviously. For al the shit weve gone through though, hes going to finally have his way not to long from now. You never gave us a real fucking chance- I was in an abusive, fucked up nightmare for a decade. It was taking time for me to heal and I did one hell of a job of picking myself up from that horrible time in my life- you were the reason I was able to do that. You were my best friend in this whole fucking world. I still, even now, even with all the hurt love you so fucking much and to dare say I was enamored with you offends me, because youre nothing to be enamored with- I genuinely and still do, from the bottom of my fucked up, bleeding, broken heart love you. I had a bad psychotic breakdown while I was pregnant and even after the baby when you were gone. It got so bad. He couldnt even clean the house so DCF could get out of our lives and I was having tremedous anxiety over it. He began pulling the gun on me a few times. It was fucked. Here I am post partum a week out busting my ass moving heavy shit to clean ( hell, I was doing this to a small degree while pregnant- I moved a couch with your as drunk asleep on it to clean the one night, not your fault but I was trying to clean too, as best as zi could being very pregnant and working a labor intensive job at the time) fear so nuch Im going to lose my precious baby. I am not that person who pulled a gun on you. Ive never, since that time, ever done any thing remotely violent to you- save for when you were tripping, kicking me in my pregnant belly and I was trying to protect you from being arrested or sent to the hospital and you were hurting me, ripping my clothes off of me. I was protecting myself for anything that happened that time, and also trying to protect you too. Im sorry I ended up biting you or hurting you, but... I really didnt have much choice and your naked, wood roaming ass was going to get arrested had I abandoned you then. I was working to be a better person, to show you the best of me, because thats something youve never seen. My husband left October 13th. Its not even been a full 4 months and Ive come so far with getting two jobs, cleaning up my house at least better than it was when my husband left me in that hell. I was going to get supplies to fix it up better with my tax return. I was going to have a running vehicle. I was going to fix the yard so I didnt have the dogs in the house. I was there for you whenever you needed me. I took all sorts of shit from you when youd get paranoid and I was being better by trying to be positive and TRYING so we both could go further and BOTH be better people. I tried so much to give you the details you desired to hear but either you never remembered that part OR you just wouldnt talk to me so we could. I begged you to throw away the benzos I sent, fucking begged you to do it, but 'they help me so much you just dont see it'. After I sent them all I got was you being depressed, pessimistic and constantly wanting to throw our life away, not to mention being called a piece of shit, a cunt and allsorts of nasty things for no reason. I didnt want to fight with you, youd just want to text and argue rather than pause things til we could have a ratonal discussion. You asked me about you putting your last nake on my babys name (his last name i gave him was a pet name my dad called me growing up, so it wasnt mine, my exhusbands, it was a very meaningful name) and got mad at me, said I couldnt compromise when I said YES YOU COULD GIVE YOUR NAME TO HIM BUT YOUD HAVE TO SHARE IT WITH THE NAME HE ALREADY HAD. This was somethingbyou were asking of me when you kept going back and forth with your mental shit, while here I am doing my damnedest to keep going, staying positive after a decade of abuse, and you havent even met my child, but want to say its a deal breaker if you couldnt ABOLISH his current last name so he could have your last name. I love you and all I tried to do was show you love, kindess and affection. We shared a love that was so much the same, and so rare to find in another person. I was, at this point NOT toxic. All my long term relationships- like my grandmother and father.. they had their own toxicity and even then, I was with an abuser for a decade. my own father and grandmother wouldnt even call me an ambulance while I was knocked out on the floor, seizured, covered in piss, spitting out bits of tooth and couldnt walk- I FUCKING CRAWLED to the garage, I didnt have a phone to call 911 with. I sat there scared and smelling of urine for hours until I could manage to hobble inside to clean up. Who here in this relationship is toxic? I love my dad.. fuck, I even lived my grandmother but they were so fucked up mentally at this point they just were as goodfor me as my husband was. You never gsve us a chance to have a relationship- you never gave me the chance to show you my best. In less than 4 months, for all the shit Ive had go on for the last decade, I had a fucking hell of an improvement and it was only getting better. You wanted to say how we didnt want the same things- I wanted to travel, I wanted to hike, I wanted to see the world and most of all... I wanted that with you, my best friend, my lover. I wanted to have a nice house to live in the same as youx nobody wants to live in a place like this. I would have moved anywhere with you. I wanted to work, go back to school and get a really good paying job. It was going to take time.. but not as long as you thought. I already had plans for when you came. I already had arranged surpise weekend adventures for us, shit we could do when I took 2-3 days off work. I was going to take you to see the Keys. I was going to let you experience something that was a passion for me- a day to go on the trails horseback riding. As for bigger adventures, Id never have stopped yiu from going with your friends or alone. Also once I got shit more together in a few years, especially when the baby was older and coukd enjoy going with us more and I had a better job, where Id actually GET vacation time, and we had abetter house and better things, we coukd have gonenon a big adventure together- and the dogs wouldnt have been an issue, I could take them to a boarding kennel or found a pet sitter for them. I kept hearing about the dogs, whom I promised to take care of.. I had already talked to my babysitter and she had agreed towatch them and feed them if we went off for a weekend, even week down the road. Even if she fell through, there are other people who would have done that I could have found and paid to make sure they were fed. All I needed was some help with the fence, and someone to help me babysit my son so I wasnt throwing away the majority of my money on babysitting. That was the hardest part of what zi was dealing with and had I had those two things helped with I wouldnt be feeling so fucking overwhelmed. We could have built a life together that was everything you and I wanted. You act like we faught and argued all the time, but we rarely even talked. I was accused of yelling through text when, I didnt even have that meaning. I never felt like yelling at you, not ever, I swear now on my sons life and maybe had we actually of been able to speak, youd have understood that, but your mental shit made it to where you felt like we were fighting all the time. I loved you, I wanted to discuss things with you, but we never couldz you never allowed us to. Youlet your fears and misconceptions cloud everything we had. You never gave us a chance to be the happy couple we should have been because you couldnt just try with me. You had to rip my heart out and wouldnt even talk to me. You took away the person I loved as much as I live my son. For that, thats why I cant keep going. You call me toxic and I had moved beyond that. What was I doing that was toxic? I was working hard, I told you I loved you 1000times a day, I asked for us while we were not seeing eye to eye to wait so we could talk about it when you werent drunk, fucked on benzos or during the day since your mental shit got worse at night and to simply TALK, rather than text since the texting you kept twisting my meanings when I said different things. It wasnt healthy to keep texting like we did because of that. I miss yiu so much, I miss us laughing and talking and joking and having angood time. I look forward to the day we could spend a day together with Ex, holding hands, goofing off, having a good time and enjoying the experience together, with someone who matched my heart so perfectly. I looked forward to the days I could come home from work and hug and kiss you, or the days you came home where I cooked dinner for you. I looked forward to the moments we could share in the quiet together and I looked forward to planning adventures with you. I looked forward toparenting this child with you and raising him with love and completely different than what was my old life. I didnt want to yell or ever be angry around him or each other. Honestly, I cant think of a time I was very angry at you since weve been trying. Ive been frustrated, Ibe been hurt, but never have I felt anger in my heart for you nor even the urge to yell or in anyway engage with you like I did my exhusband. I love you and you threw me away like trash. You broke me. You coukdnt even give us a fair chance to work life out. If anyone faught it was you, you were constantly flustered over shit I didnt say, things that were misinterpreted, and fears. You wouldnt give me one chance to show you who I really was and who I could be to you. Ive got so much love in my heart for you. So fucking much and Im hurt and broken over what youve done to me, by completely cutting me out of your life.
8. 2016-02-07 at 5:58 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition
   hydromorphone victim of incest [insincerely conduce my paisley]
   At least you have a friend, PoC. Some of us arent so lucky.
9. 2016-02-07 at 5:46 AM UTC in I will no longer be posting on this website.
   hydromorphone victim of incest [insincerely conduce my paisley]
   Thats why I am putting the ball in his court to make those hard choices and see if he fairs better than I do. He atleast has family thatll help him.
10. 2016-02-07 at 5:44 AM UTC in I will no longer be posting on this website.
    hydromorphone victim of incest [insincerely conduce my paisley]
    For the record, §m£ÂgØL did say at one point to give him up before I gave birth and I seriouslywas set on doing that, but a week later he talked me out of it and everytime after that EXCEPT when the baby was here I it was hard and painful for me to do that. I wanted to leave him in the ER but he talked me out of that too. But of course later on he said about it and one time I was going to so it, tried to hang up the phone with him to call, he changed his mind after spending anbhour convincing me I should. I felt played a lot when he did that. One minute I should keep the baby and Im just a troubled mother, the next Im a piece of shit awful mother who should call DCF immediently.
11. 2016-02-07 at 5:32 AM UTC in I will no longer be posting on this website.
    hydromorphone victim of incest [insincerely conduce my paisley]
    Casper- Weve always had utilities and even now, as fucked as shit has been and thanks to §m£ÂgØL at one point, Ive never not had electricity. We disnt have water for about a month back in september because my grandmother blew 5k on scratch off tickets and as soon as I got my Pell grant from college it was fixed. We hadnt ever before that point gone without water like that, sometimea the welll would chug and wed get piss poor pressure, but we always had running water. Currently now, Im might go day to day with a prepaid electric plan putting 5$ here and there on but I Havent had it cut off since its been in my name. my husbamd and I lived in pur uninsulated garage because my grandmother and father refused to do anything about the rat problem we had. When I got pregnant, my husband was the one who wanted the baby, he told me hed make shit better, clean and make this place respectable. That was a lie and I was dumb enough to believe it. I got ao desparate ans crazy during my pregnancy after my dad died I pulled a gun to get my husbamd to leave for good. He returned a few hours later and §m£ÂgØL begged me to not fight with him again. The next night I told them both to leave and pulled a gun on them both. I was so fucked in the head. I just wanted it to stop. I had my husband tellingnme if I wanted to die so bad he would shoot me in my head while I was asleep and make it look like a suicide for me. He tols me another time if I took all the pills I had to OD and I wasnt dead in a few hours hed shoot me in the head and also make it look like a suicide. I kinda got mind fucked over that. I kept believing a lying asshole pedophile would actually do what he promised. He was convicted when he was 18 with juvenile sanctions but dor aome reason its comes up for aome background checks and not others. I was aware he had a record of this, but he told me it was 'I was 13 years old and touched a 6yos vagina and she touched my penis' vs. What the state said was he did some horrible shit to this little 6 year old and wasnt 13, rather 15- not that it matters much but why fucking lie about a 2 year age discrepency? I realize after a decade EVERYTHING he told me was a lie. I was so stupid to believe him for so long. I never wanted kids, he did. He was sort of obsessed with having kids since he signed a BC before with another woman whos kid wasnt his. she was stupid enough to open her mouth (or maybe not stupid- maybe she saw like Im seeing) and the judge allowed a paternity test after the fact. Thats why he wasnt paying child support for that child. He I believe wanted me to have a bay with him because he could keep his thumb over me forever and thought Id certainly never leave after that- after all, I didnt want kids, so somehow inbhis mind that equated to me not loving my kid which is not the case. I saw how hard kids are to raise properly and rode his ass all the way up and even after I had the baby anout cleaning the house up to make it a decent livable place to raise a baby. When he started treating my son like he did me and I saw it, I said we were done. I didnt call the cops because he threatened DCF on me after he stole my money and valuables bacause Icouldnt pass a drug test from smoking pot before hand. When my son was born dcf was involved because my my ex decided to take himnfor ancheck up at 7 days to a pediatrician who had a cow because he was born at home. when dcf was involved them it fucked me up breastfeeding ad made my anxiety 1000times worse. I cant handle dcf again, especially alone. As far as him goung away now, if he wwre placed in custody, my exhusbamd would cwrtainly try tonget him and I cannot allow him to do that. Lwts just face it, i dontnhave the balls neither to take a trip to WA and killbhim either. i still have nightmares over dcf. I just couldnt ever get my shit together to get my son back and like now... Im just done. I am dead inside. Im taking him to the ER tonight because he cant breathe well and is sick just as I am. If it werent for fthe need to make sure my exhusband is off the BC Id leave him there and go off to eat 6+grams of a betablocker and die. I cant raise a child alone. I cant do it with zero family, zero friends. My sonndeserves a home with support and that is onenthing §m£ÂgØL can give that Ill never be able to give him and if he decides for adoption, §m£ÂgØL is the one who gets to make that heart breaking choice. I was lied to by so many people and failed everythinf so much I cant even have a friend anymore. It doesnt matter, this is something I am set on doing §m£ÂgØL knows this because if I wasnt serious, I wouldnt have had cops out to his house to talk to his mom when he impeded me speaking to them. Im set on this course and I dont know what hes gonna do, hes probably pising himself that Im after child support- Im not. I need emotional support, not money and I have no way to get that from anyone and I fell in lovebwitj §m£ÂgØL, and just hours before he cut me out of his life, he told me he wanted to keep trying with me, wanted to try to work together and make a life- somehwere about removing my exhusband from the BC and him paranoid 'the state will come looking for a father and test him because your husband says Im the father' and that he had discussed with me about giving my child his last name (most certainly not my idea) he decided we couldnt work together. Im holdingbhim back from his dream of being a broke spic without any money travelling the world. sad part is is before all this I was beginning to set up a fund so we could travel. He told me he wanted to travel NOW not in acouple years when wed be more stable and have anicer house or a better life going. Shit, i figuted we could have done smaller shit now and bigger shit when we had more money, when i went back to school and finished my education and got a job that allowd me to move around and be freer andbhave vaction time and all that good stuff. What do I know, though? Imnjust a broken person. Ive tried to work through shit and make shit better andbwork two jobs and work to propell us all further. He probably hallucinated something I didnt say anyway. It doesnt matter. Though because I cant keep doing it alone. Most single mothers atleast have a relative to help, I have nobody. §m£ÂgØL was the only reason I hadnt offed myself so far. hes told me about soing rightfor my son and giving him up for adootion so much and doing right by my 'flesh and blood' well, Im sorry but hes his flesh and blood too and Ive been guilted enough. He can make the hard choices coming up, but like a coward I bet 100$ hea planning to buy butryl fentanyl off tje darkmarkets to kill himself with right now as hes abusing the benzo script I recently mailed him (dumbest thing I ever did).
12. 2016-02-06 at 9:16 PM UTC in I will no longer be posting on this website.
    hydromorphone victim of incest [insincerely conduce my paisley]
    Casper, youre right, Malice was right. Im dumb. I thought my exhusband was different than he is. Im stupid. So fucking stupid. I dont live in a barn, I live in a run down trailer in the middle of east bumfuck- its actually worse than a barn full of dog shit. Worse part of this whole situation is: it didnt have to be like this. My exhusband created this shit hole. I had pently of fence, plenty of wire to run electic fence, a hotwire box... Everything to mKe a happy place for the animals we had. I held a job through my pregnancy up until I could no longer deal with the mental bullshit anymore. He left me in such a fucked situation with this baby and moved across the country after stealing all the money I had and most of my valuables. He did this after my grandmother left because he knew the gravy train was over and has since done jack shit to help my situation. I dont want his help because hes threatened to take custody and if thats real or false, I cant risk my son being raised by him. Hes getting exactly what he wants, off the hook. he is the one who talked me into this baby. He is the one who wanted to be a father to this child. In actualality, he was using this child to chain me to him forever- he didnt realize I wouldnt stand to have my baby treated like he treated me everyday. Then instead of manning up, he did what he and his fathers fathers before him did, stole, ran far the fuck away and make threats. Karma is a bitch, he will get his in the long run. He shit on me and my family for a decade and I was too stupid to see it. in my defense, not that it matters much but my husband for all thebshit he was, was a very persasive person, he could sell ice to eskamoes. if hed not beennsuch a piece of shit, he could have done good things with his life. §m£ÂgØL kept me going this far with promises that shit would be better, that hed always be my friend. I know he has mental problems, but I see now actually how bad they are. He atleast has a supportive family though and thats what my son needs. Or he can place him for adoption- thatll be his choice once all this shit is done and over with. Ive heard so many times about 'flesh and blood' and doing whats right for him- he can make the hard decisons once this time. Im done trying to preserve a friendship, trying to build a life worth something, or better myself- its impossible. Im just trying to minimize damage to my child. §m£ÂgØLs family is well off and maybe for once he should have a little responsibility in his life or at least make that heart wrenching choice of giving this sweet, beautiful child up for adoption. At least he wont be raised by a rapist and a pedophile though- for all the horrible shit that can be said about me and Im not disagreeing with any of it, or your opinions of me (for the most part, they are correct, save for a few irrelevent facts) Ive atleast done that one, small amount of good for this baby by keeping going long enough to get him off the birth certificate and unable to influence my childs life. i am so sorry this has had to happen to my child- I have hope for him though, hes 8 months, talking, walking and able to understand basic instructions (when he grabs my hair, I say 'no, let go' and he responds by smiling and letting go). Maybe I am a fucked up person, maybe §m£ÂgØL is a fucked up person but through all this I pray to whatever Gods may be that my child shines through this clusterfuck and goes on to do great things and I have hope he will- he is an exceptional baby and exceptionally smart and developing way faster than he should be. People dont usually use the word patient to deacribe a child, much less an infant, but he truely is as patient of a baby as they come and Id have lost my mind way before now had he not been such an easy, calm and patient child. I hope he forgives me as an adult for what I brought him into, but I dont expect that. I just hold out hope that his life can be more than mine, his fathers or anyone in this fucked up mess and he can overcome al this horrible shit, because if he can, I know he will go on to do great and wonderful things in life- if he can overcome this start in life, I truely believe with the right guidance he will be somebody who does important and good work for humanity. either way, I hope he justs finds happiness and contentment in life that I couldnt. I hope he is smarter than either his parents, and wise enough to see people like my exhusbamd for what they are: manipulators, users, leeches. If he can be happy in life, he will have made me proud.
13. 2016-02-06 at 7:45 PM UTC in I will no longer be posting on this website.
    hydromorphone victim of incest [insincerely conduce my paisley]
    @infinity, sophie asked about what my exhusband did to warrant being called a pedophile. That is why I am doing all this, to protect my son from this sort of person before I check out. I know Im not mentally right in the head, especially at this moment in time, but one thing Ive always been is honest about all this shit. People think this shit was a troll, when I got pregnant. I wish to fuck it was. Evaulation w/o pics: I am a stupid, ugly, horrible person, never cut out to be a mother, a partner and have never found a way to fit into society (probably why I ever posted here). §m£ÂgØL can be pissed off, mad, or whatever about what Im posting- I dont care, I really really dont care anymore. My Give-A-Fuck finally broke. Im serious as a heart attack about going through with reliquishing my parental rights once my Ex husband is off the BC, and ending the worthless, awful existence that is me. The world will be a better place without someone like me in it. Im so sorry I brought a baby in this world or ever thought I could fix mylife, fix, my family and make things better. All those delusions have done is cause extended suffering for the people I love around me including §m£ÂgØL, my baby and myself. I see what I need to do and I will fix my mistakes to the best of my abilities. I hope my child, when older realizes I did love him and did try to do right for him, but being a broken, toxic piece of shit like I am, I couldnt. It doesnt matter though. I dont care what §m£ÂgØL tells him about me if he chooses to raise him, just hoping he has a good life and does better than I have, which shouldnt be hard with a family to help do that. I really did try. I just cant anymore. Im just trying to feed him, change him and show him the love I am capable of showing him for now, until I give him up. Even simple shit like that is a struggle for me. Ive really gone off the deep end. I wish it didnt have to be this way, but there is no turning back now, there is no way to fix this as it has become, only going forward to fix the one mistake I made that I can fix is all I can do and hopefully I manage to doit before I completely lose my mind- its going that way.. Im strugglingnto hang in there just to do that. I post this shit because it doesnt matter. If §m£ÂgØL thinks hes gathering ammunition against me, hes soon goingnto realize, I DONT CARE, he doesnt have to gather ammuniton, I am going to GIVE UP MY PARENTAL RIGHTS just as soon as the child molester can never touch my baby again. @spohie, I didnt think you were they rapey sort of pedo. I disagree with your attraction, but as far as pedos go, there are most def worse than you. Thats why I said you wouldnt defend the shit my exhusband did.
14. 2016-02-06 at 5 PM UTC in I will no longer be posting on this website.
    hydromorphone victim of incest [insincerely conduce my paisley]
    For cash assistance, Ive jumped through hoops for months. The state Im in has nade in incredibly hard to get $$ assistance. I recieve food stamps, so does my son. Ita not even able money, its about my son being raised alone by a mentally and physically incapable person. I really have no family at all. My dad died when I was 5-6 months pregnant last year. my grandmother took off and she has alzhiemers back in september and never even wanted to hold the baby, asking her to watch him for 5 minutes while I fixed her tablet for her was like asking for a lot from her. The people who babysit for me, rhwy are good people, but when I started working I barely knew who the fuck they were. They used to be friends with this kid we let stay with us who ended up stealing and finally getting arrested. I was desparate for a babysitter and... somehow it worked out right as I got a job again. The babysitter before, she wasnt caring for my baby right or feeding him. That scared the shit out of me... I have legit anxiety problems, Im at work and I just have random shit pop into my head worried sick about my baby. if it rains while Im going to work, all I can think about is a car accident with my child while they are on the way home- ita emotionally taxing being the sole person caring for this child. Even if I did get cash assistance, thats 200$ a month, Id still have to work, 200$ is a drop in the bucket for caring. I have a space heater and my electric bill is about 150$ if I use it sparingly on the nights its below 50F. before this month, I didnt even have a space heater and it was lucky I did have 10 dogs to sleep in bed with us because it got into the 20's and we were freezing our asses off. §m£ÂgØL has a family and a support system and could better deal with this baby than I can. If I could give my baby up for adoption right now, i would but my exhusband, the giy currently listed as the father on the birth certificate who is a pedophile, wont sign todo so, he will try to get custody if I try and put him up. This is why I am pwtitioning to examine paternity. Its going to cost me about $400 in court fees to petiton. Money isnt my main problem, its being able to take care of this baby alone. most single moms have some relative that at least can help out once in a blue moon. I have jackshit. I dont even have friends. Iam overhwelmed doing it alone. Ive had so many promises, if I couldnjust hang in there a little longer, I would have a measure of help soon. I cant keep going like this and my baby deserves better and it doesnt matter whos feelings I end up hurting. §m£ÂgØL obviously doesnt give a fuck and thinks Im out to fuck him over. Fuck, hes the only friend Ive had and if I wanted child support, why havent I done this sooner? Ive failed as a mother, failed as a friend, failed as a partner and failed in ever other way in my life. I live with crippling chronic pain to the point I sometimes cant even pick my baby up. The reason this is going to result in my death is because I cant live with the guilt nor phyiscal pain any longer. If I wouldnt be trying to fight to getmy exhusband off the birth certificate Id already have checked out. I just want to do the one thing in my power to avoid that man abusing my baby andnits hard. I think about just saying fuck it every moment of the day- I own a gun, I have over 6 grams of a betablocker thatll end my life, along with other stuff I could stack on top of it to make it a done deal. Believe me when I say, I just dont want to keep on going and I, beyond fixing the one mistake I made as far as putting my exhusband on the birth certificate, cant keep going. This child for so long has been the sole reason Ive stayed alive, and when hes nolonger in my custody- which §m£ÂgØL has assured me in the past, his rich family will afford him with a good lawyer to take my baby away from meif I were to try for child support- when he is gone, I wont have any reason to keep on living for in this world. The ball is already in motion. There is nothing I, nor §m£ÂgØL can do to stop it. i just have to do whats best for my son. Im truely not a fit mother nd Im only better than myexhusbamd because I wont beat the fuck out of my child or sexually abuse him. I struggle to care for him properly, especially when I was working those days where I couldnt sleep at all. No child should be put in a paypennscreaming, crying for attention while mom, tries to power nap, with an alarm set, but doing that shit day after day, ive got to try to sleep sometime. im andepressed person, Im overwhelmed beingbthe sole person to care for this baby without so much as a day off, or an hour to myself. I cant keep goinglike this. I emotionally andnphysically cant do it. I both long for and fear the day I wont see my son again. I love him so much and Im going to miss him dearly, but I havent got the help nor support I need and like that, I cant keep going.
15. 2016-02-06 at 11:45 AM UTC in I will no longer be posting on this website.
    hydromorphone victim of incest [insincerely conduce my paisley]
    Department of Children and Families. Social workers, people who remove children from their homes when they have unfit parents/living conditions. Some people in other states have CPS, Childrens Protective Services. Same thing.
16. 2016-02-06 at 11:18 AM UTC in I will no longer be posting on this website.
    hydromorphone victim of incest [insincerely conduce my paisley]
    If it was possible for someone to 'give me a break' Id have already have jumped on that already. The most of a break Ive had since my exhusband left was when my babysitter did me a solid when I got off work at 7am and had to be back to work at 2pm. I had already worked a 10 hour shift and hadnt slept the day before because I was up caring for my son. i was even late to work I was so tired. I have ZERO family and Im not exaggerating one bit. I have no real friends. Ive begged this girl I thought I was somewhat good friends with to take my son for a day, a few hours, or even just come over and help me clean while we took turns watching him.. she said ahe would, but this has been fucking months and always has an excuse for why she cant. Ive thought about calling dcf just ao I could have a fucking break. My son shouldnt see me frustrated, dog ass tired and just wanting to put him in a playpen or for him to take a nap. I dont enjoy my child for all the shit Im having to do to support him. I wish I fucking could- this is why kids do better in two parent homes, because you start hating your kids when youre so tired you cant see straight, cant get any rest for having to care for him before work and then back to another 10 hour grind just to do it all over again. On your day off, you just want to fucking sleep... Im not physically well off either. Ive got a herniated disc, two torn miniscus in my knees, nerve damage, and a rapid heart rate and nearly sure Ive got an thorasic aortic anyerism thats going to kill me one day in a very painful way (though thankfully it should be a fairly quick death). this isnt the sole reason I want to die, its coupled with my physical problems to, the fact Im never going to get out of this shit hole situation. §m£ÂgØL has a large family that is supportive. His family doesnt really want for money either. That would be a much better situation for my son. Even if he is put up for adoption, they will screen for people that can dedicate the time and love to my little boy. Fuck, even §m£ÂgØL agrees I should give him up for adoption, but whats stopping me is that my exhusband wants to take custody and REFUSES to sign paperwork so he can be adopted out. If hes removed and Golum is then placed on as his father, then he can make that choice. He can either raise him with the support and help from his family or he can put him for adoption. Hea told me he cannot be in my sons life despite wishing he could be because of me being in his life- this way, I wont be in my sons life anylonger ans hopefully he does choose to raise him. My son deserves better than I can give him. Im not a good mother, despite my best efforts to be. I was left in a shit situation that I partially created with a house that is filthy, falling appart and just not good for a baby to be in and a nother who is at her last nerve everyday of her life. I love this child more than anything andbnothing pains me more than to say Ive failed my child and cant give him a great life, but thats the hard cold truth of it. Im just trying to do the one little thing that is in my power to protect him from a person that abused me for a decade and has abused others, even to the point of being convicted for it. Ita the least I can do for my child that I love dearly and while §m£ÂgØL acta like a fucked up little shit most the time, he really is a good guy irl. I trust he would raise my son properly, as best as he can and would do better than I can and if he chooses not to and place him for adoption, he will be doing what I cant since my exhusband, the father currently on the BC, has stopped me from doing. Im not strong like your mom, sorry I cant do it. I hurt way too much. all there is is failure in my future and like §m£ÂgØL said to me over the phone, last we spoke, Im toxic. he doesnt need that in his life. He also told me he hopes I do right by my son. Thats exacrly what I am trying to do. Its the whole reason I tried to contact his parents. Its why I am going through with the court shit. I havent been threatening, Ive only posted this shit ao he knows Im not trying to get child support that he is so fucking paranoid of. Hes paranoid as fuck that he might be court ordered to pay money for his biological child. Ive never wanted that mans money, nor anyones money, if I did Id already have gotten it from one fathwr or the other by now but I dont even get welfare for my child. Nobody has paid me one single cent of child support nor do I expect it now. This wasnt a threat, rather to reassure since hes threatened to commit suicide if he were ever forced to pay child support a dozen times before when he was fucking paranoid as fuck. you understand a bit better now?
17. 2016-02-06 at 10:09 AM UTC in I will no longer be posting on this website.
    hydromorphone victim of incest [insincerely conduce my paisley]
    I dont want sympathy. I am doing exactly what youre suggesting. I know I fucked up, I accept I am stupid. Be happy this child doesnt have to be raised by an idiot like me. My exhusband is on the birth certificate, I am filing a petition to examine paternity and then bring §m£ÂgØL into the court system. Hes threatened enough that if I were to do this, he and his family will take custody. Thats exactly what I want. Im just not going to be around after that- follow me yet? If I didnt give a fuck about my child, Id just check out now, Ive got the means and desire. Before this Ive been working my ass off. Ive been struggling to care for this baby with next to no sleep with my work schedule. Ive been hanging by a thread before all this. Ive just broken completely. I only care that my exhusband doesnt get custody of my child else I would have called dcf myself to come get him by now. Im doing this one last thing to protect my son, then its over.
18. 2016-02-06 at 9:34 AM UTC in I will no longer be posting on this website.
    hydromorphone victim of incest [insincerely conduce my paisley]
    Well, at least you know whats going to be happening this week. I hope you dont call dcf so stoney isnt drug back into Exs life, but if you do it still wont stop the petition to examine paternity. Good luck. Have a great life- mine is over.
19. 2016-02-06 at 4:42 AM UTC in I will no longer be posting on this website.
    hydromorphone victim of incest [insincerely conduce my paisley]
    My ex husband violently raped a 6 year old girl. Lied about it, down played it and basically told a tale much different than the court documents which he signed. He was a lying, manipulative piece of shit. You wouldnt have even have defended his actions of what he did. I wasnt aware it was so fucked as that. There is a difference of a 13 yo having a 6yo girl touch your penis than having violently raping a 6 yo when youre 15. He couldnt even keep his fucjing lies somewhat straight. I was raped repeatedly in our fucked relationship but too stupid to realize it. I have a sleep disorder.. he kept saying I was coming on to him and provking shit while I was asleep. I told him to just leave if I did that, but rather he just would give me bullshit about how I got mad at him if he did that. I woke up a majority of days feeling violated and like scum not even able to remember what happened, just cum in my cunt. Thats why I believe the court documents versus his play on things so much. He was an abuser and was good at making people feel sympathy for him, until you see what the court papers say that is... I was stupid. Im just continuing this fucked existence until Ican get my exhusband off the BC and §m£ÂgØL on it andnthen the ball is in his court- he can raise his son or place him with adoption. this isnt about child support- this is aaout a broken person unable to keep going raising a child completely alone with nobody, nothing in their life for support emotionally. It takes everything in me to not just clock out prematurely. Ive got the means, Ive got the desire. I just love my son so much, the least I can do is spare my child being raised by that fucked up piece of shit.
20. 2016-02-06 at 3:03 AM UTC in I will no longer be posting on this website.
    hydromorphone victim of incest [insincerely conduce my paisley]
    Its my fault. Sorry. Ive decided after thinking for a while (I still intend to leave this world) but Ive heard enough about what Ive done to my 'flesh and blood', youre just going to have to deal with the concequenses of that night because I wont be here to deal with them anymore and Id rather not a pedophile have Ex. He wont let me put him up for adoption so we are going through 'Petition to Examine Paternity' and yes, you will be brought up to do a paternity test for the courts. Ive said before I dont want child support, this isnt what its about. Youve threatened me so much over childsupport and thats not ever what I wanted from you. If you take custody of him when Im gone, you can place him for adoption if you wish. I wish I could go live the life youve left me for. We couldhave lived that aweaome life together, but you destroyed me and you know what you did when I attempted to contact your parents. Sorry about that but he deserves better, YOUR RIGHT ABOUT THAT. Im trying to give him better but I cant do it myself alone anymore. I told you it would come to this if I was alone. You destroyed my life, you destroyed any hopes of happiness Id had. Good luck, I have no malice toward you, but be expecting those court orders in the mail, along with a money order I am sending to repay you. Once hes yours, you can do withbhim as you like, I was just trying to make this easier on everyone because Im dead for all intents and purposes. Im going on just trying to secure his safety away from that evil pedophile. Dont worry, I dont want child support. you can either raise him yourself or put him for adoption I dont care nor will I be around to care.