Look as for airing dirty laundry- you made this thread saying you werent going to post here anymore. You broke my heart on the regular and played games with me. Im sorry if all this hurt you, but you wouldnt even have a fucking dicussion with me to even talk about things we had to play this fucked up shit through text messages that youd misinterperate or completely hallucinate shit I did not send or did not say. As for the tale of fuckery, youve got some shit out of order or completely wrong. I pulled the gun on my husband the first night and wanted him gone. I as sick and tired that he lied and embarrassed the fuck out of me- he promised the house would be clean for when you came. I am so very greatful for all you did to help, but that wasnt your job to help. As for the second time, I had told you to leave for a day, day and a half, to get ready to go because I couldnt deal with the embarrassment, the shame and the hopelessness and I knew shit was going to keep getting worse and I was trying to spare you from all that. My husband BROUGHT me the the gun right before I came in the house because I was planning to shoot myself in the head- he was aware of this and pretty nuch encouraged me to kill myself all the time. Then I snapped. I did something so awful and will, for the rest of my life be trying to make up for- I cant, but I swear Ill never be that person again, to you or anybody else. That was the only two times the guns were pulled. He put them somewhere I didnt know where they were at until the day you left. The next day he gave me the gun because I was suicidal again. This man wanted me to die, obviously. For al the shit weve gone through though, hes going to finally have his way not to long from now. You never gave us a real fucking chance- I was in an abusive, fucked up nightmare for a decade. It was taking time for me to heal and I did one hell of a job of picking myself up from that horrible time in my life- you were the reason I was able to do that. You were my best friend in this whole fucking world. I still, even now, even with all the hurt love you so fucking much and to dare say I was enamored with you offends me, because youre nothing to be enamored with- I genuinely and still do, from the bottom of my fucked up, bleeding, broken heart love you. I had a bad psychotic breakdown while I was pregnant and even after the baby when you were gone. It got so bad. He couldnt even clean the house so DCF could get out of our lives and I was having tremedous anxiety over it. He began pulling the gun on me a few times. It was fucked. Here I am post partum a week out busting my ass moving heavy shit to clean ( hell, I was doing this to a small degree while pregnant- I moved a couch with your as drunk asleep on it to clean the one night, not your fault but I was trying to clean too, as best as zi could being very pregnant and working a labor intensive job at the time) fear so nuch Im going to lose my precious baby. I am not that person who pulled a gun on you. Ive never, since that time, ever done any thing remotely violent to you- save for when you were tripping, kicking me in my pregnant belly and I was trying to protect you from being arrested or sent to the hospital and you were hurting me, ripping my clothes off of me. I was protecting myself for anything that happened that time, and also trying to protect you too. Im sorry I ended up biting you or hurting you, but... I really didnt have much choice and your naked, wood roaming ass was going to get arrested had I abandoned you then. I was working to be a better person, to show you the best of me, because thats something youve never seen. My husband left October 13th. Its not even been a full 4 months and Ive come so far with getting two jobs, cleaning up my house at least better than it was when my husband left me in that hell. I was going to get supplies to fix it up better with my tax return. I was going to have a running vehicle. I was going to fix the yard so I didnt have the dogs in the house. I was there for you whenever you needed me. I took all sorts of shit from you when youd get paranoid and I was being better by trying to be positive and TRYING so we both could go further and BOTH be better people. I tried so much to give you the details you desired to hear but either you never remembered that part OR you just wouldnt talk to me so we could. I begged you to throw away the benzos I sent, fucking begged you to do it, but 'they help me so much you just dont see it'. After I sent them all I got was you being depressed, pessimistic and constantly wanting to throw our life away, not to mention being called a piece of shit, a cunt and allsorts of nasty things for no reason. I didnt want to fight with you, youd just want to text and argue rather than pause things til we could have a ratonal discussion. You asked me about you putting your last nake on my babys name (his last name i gave him was a pet name my dad called me growing up, so it wasnt mine, my exhusbands, it was a very meaningful name) and got mad at me, said I couldnt compromise when I said YES YOU COULD GIVE YOUR NAME TO HIM BUT YOUD HAVE TO SHARE IT WITH THE NAME HE ALREADY HAD. This was somethingbyou were asking of me when you kept going back and forth with your mental shit, while here I am doing my damnedest to keep going, staying positive after a decade of abuse, and you havent even met my child, but want to say its a deal breaker if you couldnt ABOLISH his current last name so he could have your last name. I love you and all I tried to do was show you love, kindess and affection. We shared a love that was so much the same, and so rare to find in another person. I was, at this point NOT toxic. All my long term relationships- like my grandmother and father.. they had their own toxicity and even then, I was with an abuser for a decade. my own father and grandmother wouldnt even call me an ambulance while I was knocked out on the floor, seizured, covered in piss, spitting out bits of tooth and couldnt walk- I FUCKING CRAWLED to the garage, I didnt have a phone to call 911 with. I sat there scared and smelling of urine for hours until I could manage to hobble inside to clean up. Who here in this relationship is toxic? I love my dad.. fuck, I even lived my grandmother but they were so fucked up mentally at this point they just were as goodfor me as my husband was. You never gsve us a chance to have a relationship- you never gave me the chance to show you my best. In less than 4 months, for all the shit Ive had go on for the last decade, I had a fucking hell of an improvement and it was only getting better. You wanted to say how we didnt want the same things- I wanted to travel, I wanted to hike, I wanted to see the world and most of all... I wanted that with you, my best friend, my lover. I wanted to have a nice house to live in the same as youx nobody wants to live in a place like this. I would have moved anywhere with you. I wanted to work, go back to school and get a really good paying job. It was going to take time.. but not as long as you thought. I already had plans for when you came. I already had arranged surpise weekend adventures for us, shit we could do when I took 2-3 days off work. I was going to take you to see the Keys. I was going to let you experience something that was a passion for me- a day to go on the trails horseback riding. As for bigger adventures, Id never have stopped yiu from going with your friends or alone. Also once I got shit more together in a few years, especially when the baby was older and coukd enjoy going with us more and I had a better job, where Id actually GET vacation time, and we had abetter house and better things, we coukd have gonenon a big adventure together- and the dogs wouldnt have been an issue, I could take them to a boarding kennel or found a pet sitter for them. I kept hearing about the dogs, whom I promised to take care of.. I had already talked to my babysitter and she had agreed towatch them and feed them if we went off for a weekend, even week down the road. Even if she fell through, there are other people who would have done that I could have found and paid to make sure they were fed. All I needed was some help with the fence, and someone to help me babysit my son so I wasnt throwing away the majority of my money on babysitting. That was the hardest part of what zi was dealing with and had I had those two things helped with I wouldnt be feeling so fucking overwhelmed. We could have built a life together that was everything you and I wanted. You act like we faught and argued all the time, but we rarely even talked. I was accused of yelling through text when, I didnt even have that meaning. I never felt like yelling at you, not ever, I swear now on my sons life and maybe had we actually of been able to speak, youd have understood that, but your mental shit made it to where you felt like we were fighting all the time. I loved you, I wanted to discuss things with you, but we never couldz you never allowed us to. Youlet your fears and misconceptions cloud everything we had. You never gave us a chance to be the happy couple we should have been because you couldnt just try with me. You had to rip my heart out and wouldnt even talk to me. You took away the person I loved as much as I live my son. For that, thats why I cant keep going. You call me toxic and I had moved beyond that. What was I doing that was toxic? I was working hard, I told you I loved you 1000times a day, I asked for us while we were not seeing eye to eye to wait so we could talk about it when you werent drunk, fucked on benzos or during the day since your mental shit got worse at night and to simply TALK, rather than text since the texting you kept twisting my meanings when I said different things. It wasnt healthy to keep texting like we did because of that. I miss yiu so much, I miss us laughing and talking and joking and having angood time. I look forward to the day we could spend a day together with Ex, holding hands, goofing off, having a good time and enjoying the experience together, with someone who matched my heart so perfectly. I looked forward to the days I could come home from work and hug and kiss you, or the days you came home where I cooked dinner for you. I looked forward to the moments we could share in the quiet together and I looked forward to planning adventures with you. I looked forward toparenting this child with you and raising him with love and completely different than what was my old life. I didnt want to yell or ever be angry around him or each other. Honestly, I cant think of a time I was very angry at you since weve been trying. Ive been frustrated, Ibe been hurt, but never have I felt anger in my heart for you nor even the urge to yell or in anyway engage with you like I did my exhusband. I love you and you threw me away like trash. You broke me. You coukdnt even give us a fair chance to work life out. If anyone faught it was you, you were constantly flustered over shit I didnt say, things that were misinterpreted, and fears. You wouldnt give me one chance to show you who I really was and who I could be to you. Ive got so much love in my heart for you. So fucking much and Im hurt and broken over what youve done to me, by completely cutting me out of your life.
