Fat chance or slim chance... What's the difference here regarding to size if it both means the same fucking thing?
My grandmother was one of those retards who spend way too much on lottery because (and I quote- sadly) "you don't have to be good at anything to win the lottery". She was a person I suspect had some mild form of autism/mental retardation but for her age and ability to adapt was never diagnosed. She was one of those people who acted dumb and like she "couldn't" understand so other people would do the shit for her so she wouldn't have to. She was painfully vindictive and couldn't understand other people's feelings outside her own. She had a very lazy nature about herself as well with I guess ties into her playing dumber than she really was... She always thought that she could finally be happy if she just won the fucking lottery. Like somehow that was what was holding her back. We once got into an argument over it and I finally said 'why don't you start living NOW instead of waiting for some numbers to come up on a ticket you bought?' She got mad and all defensive and went on about how the lottery was her fucking 'goal' in life. Sad really. I never cared about money beyond the basic shit needed to get by. Right now, I'm not in poverty, not even a little. I'm sitting in a half a million dollar home right now, with people who will go out and buy me anything I ask for... Fuck, shit I don't even ask for. I have a job which affords me my own income to do as I please, and it's easy work, probably the cushiest job I've ever had.. I learned early in life that money can't buy happiness. I seen my grandmother spend so frugally on all sorts of shit.. None of it made her happy. I grew up in a very nice upper middle class house. Shit, I had a limo drive me to school from pre-k to first grade, because my grandfather worshipped the ground I walked on until the day he died. I was a spoiled kid, I won't lie. Its not the financial shit that has been the main burden in my life, its always the circumstances. Either shit I get myself into, or shit others bullshit drags me into. Life doesn't have to be this complicated. As for that kid, we talked for a while. He told me all sorts of shit about his shitty life. Im headed in the direction he is going tomorrow morning and told him I would pick him up and give him a ride there in the morning. I decided to do a little experiment. I wrote him a letter tonight to give to him, outlining good morals, importance of education (I wrote down all the info about Pell Grants and even looked up shit about truck driving schools to get a CDL and their info since he mentioned he thought maybe that's what he wanted to do with his life) and just ended the letter with as much positivity as I could and wish I felt in my heart... I probably lied to that kid about how life really is, honestly, most of us should quit while we are ahead- but I'm going to give him that letter and hope maybe he takes my advice, guidance, and information I provided for him and makes something out of this shitty game called life with the cheat sheet I give him. He seemed to be very impressionable and that is what gave me the idea to write the letter in the first place... Maybe I might impress upon him more than all the bad shit he might encounter, but probably not. I feel for that kid who is just as lost as I am in this shitty shitty world. You're right, Lanny, money doesn't make you happy. I just wish certain events of unusual nature didn't crop up in my life the way they always seem to do... Being destitute is favorable than this shit. Don't feel too guilty if I do kill myself (Im afraid to die like most everyone- I'm sure my health will be what takes me) it certainly won't be because of the shit posts on this site or even shit heads that do or don't post here anymore.
Lanny, do you really feel that is how life is? For me, I can see clearly all the fuck ups I've caused... How I've done those stupid fucking mental things that highlight the already bleak and bullshit life I have... Almost always in the heat of the moment when the circuit boards in my brain fry out and I lose myself. I guess hanging around after all the shit is my way of trying to correct or make my life better in the future, but it never seems to pan out that way. I hate who I am. I hate that I care so much... I said fuck it to my date tonight and went to the gas station just to get out of the house and get a coffee. I met this 19 year old kid who just got out of foster care a year ago. He came up to me when I was texting some bullshit to a friend of mine and asked me if he could buy a cigarette off me. I ended up giving him like a dozen since I roll my own. We talked for a long while and I ended up driving him to a fast food joint, buying him a milkshake and getting him a few cheap burgers. Stupid little shit like that is the only thing that brings me a tiny bit of fleeting happiness these days- it made me feel good when I saw his face go from 'my life is fucked' to 'I won the fucking lottery' look when I handed him a handful of cigarettes and I don't know why... Maybe its because I wish it were so easy to fix the problems in my life as that... And in a way, it could have, about a month ago and would have been cheaper than those cigarettes I handed that kid had someone, one particular person, had done a similar deed... It wouldn't have made my life grand or anything, but it would have fixed a particular problem I am dealing with now... Oh well... What is the point in going another day if its just the liberation of knowing you're fucked no matter what you do? I think I am really done. I hope I don't wake up. I hope I don't exist tomorrow. Loneliness is an awful thing but its better than being around fake people I suppose... I wish I were one of those fake people who can just believe everything is so wonderful and great. Either way, I at least will be dead before February. You'd think with that I'd be able to enjoy what time I've got left? Life has a way to make sure that even when we know the end is near that we cannot enjoy what we got left. I always said that I hate knowing... It steals the joy from so much. Love you, always.
We go in circles our whole lives (and I'm talking about people like myself- fucked up individuals who always have a neverending string of bad luck and/or choices) contemplating suicide, yet either never taking that route and choosing the bullshit path of pain and suffering, or ingesting enough drugs to kill 3 adult African elephants and a little boy, yet somehow waking up in a stupor wondering if this is hell (it in fact is), and maybe taking that as some sign that MAYBE there is a reason its not time to check out right yet. For whatever reason, there are always people telling you 'its the cowards ways out!' (Which fuck that... Even if it is, I want to die, not be a fucking hero), 'things will get better' (easy for you to say, fucktard, you don't know my clustfuckery of natural unluckery), or my favorite 'its a permanent solution to a temporary problem' (which may be true for lots of people, especially teenagers, but once you reach a point in life you realize that maybe this particular event may be temporary, but what about life in general and the series of of bullshit and unhappiness that is to follow as has time and time again). I'm sure more people would go out via suicide if that part of our brain that keeps us struggling to stay alive, even in the worse and most hopeless situations could just be turned off. I know time is short is why I am still shuffling around and trying to keep shit and others together... Just tidy up a few loose ends and all that, but man... It really is a drag. I pray everyday I keel over dead and this whole living bullshit just stops just so I can stop caring. I wish I didn't give as much of a fuck as I do... Fucking being drug out on a date finally and I really don't wanna go- again, shit you do to make others happy and stop them from bitching. Oh well.. Hoping to get blitzed to the point I don't remember my name and stumble in front of a MacTruck. Wish me luck.
2016-08-17 at 10:19 PM UTC
in
ATTN lanny
I took 1k in dillys and wrote out Zoklet several years ago in the peek of my degenerate drug use. Would do it again with NiS if so funded. Using a highly addictive/expensive narcotic (really, the best prescription opiate known to man) definitely trumps using OTC shit antihistamines for advertising a forum of drug addicted degenerates. Step your game up, nigga.
2016-08-16 at 4:37 AM UTC
in
So its my birthday today...
Happy Birthday, faggot! How many birthday candles did you shove up your ass to commemorate the day?
Good luck with your choice an hope it helps you find happiness in this sad, bleak world we live in.
While I don't know why you're choosing this path, I tend to agree with the space cat on this one... Make sure its what you really want and need before commiting yourself to putting up with their bullshit- not sure how it all works but I am assuming you can't just leave if you decide it's not right for you?
Sometimes its better to just suck it up and try and create your own stability in life than hoping someone else can do it for you. Ultimately, you're the person who has to maintain the stability in your life even if they fix everything thats wrong with it. Nobody can do that but you. People tend to do well in rehab (jail and bootcamp even) because they are given such a structured environment and very little decision making. Once out, shortly after, not having the structure and having all sorts of choices to make in life and it comes crashing down for a lot of people which comes back to the maintaining the stability in your life. You can figure how to give that to yourself if you have the determination to do it... The hard part is always going to be mantaining that structure and stability.
I hope you're making the right choice for yourself and that you come away with whatever it is you're looking for.
Well, duh... It's not rocket science to figure out you come from nigger stock.
You mention being sent to therapist for being catatonic on bundy at 13. When was your first experimentation with drugs? I'm assuming inhalents and OTC drugs being the first you tried, correct me if I am wrong. What was your reasoning back then for beginning to experiement? Throughout your childhood were you put on any medications? Did you have any surgeries as a child? What sort of home did you grow up in? I am guessing a yuppie upper middle class home with parents who were very lax and making excuses for your behavior early on as being 'special' and insisting that you were a 'gifted' child which fed your narcissistic attitude. I imagine you got away with all sorts of shit growing up. Did you always behave like you do now or was this something that just snapped in you as you reached puberty?
I'm very curious to know... When you answer questions you seem very distracted and deceptive in your responses. Lastly, I want to ask... Are you happy with the way your teenage years progressed and where you are in life now? What do you see yourself amounting to in the future?
...and here I was, hoping that you were dead. I knew in my heart it was too good to be true.
The day you finally accidentally/intentionally overdose and die will be a grand day for all. I have a better idea- when you get kicked out of this halfway house bullshit, and you end up back home with your mom and dad, why not hide under their car before they leave for work/running errands, placing your head under the drivers side tire, so when they go to work and put the car in reverse and they stop to see wtf they ran over (first thinking its a stray cat, I'd assume), they'd get out and OMG... Can you imagine the look on their face when they realize they just ran over their drug addicted, delusional, violent, abusive, mentally ill son? Any tears shed will be tears of joy and relief that the parasitic waste of life they created is FINALLY GONE FOR GOOD! That is the one single act you could do that would make your parents soooo fucking proud of you.
See, I'm sure they already foresee you dying, just they know that you dying is probably going to be in their house, which they know will probably mean at least two rooms splattered floor to ceiling with blood and vomit, carpets, draps and most likely several valuable possessions destroyed prior to you finally subcoming to your own wrecked mental health... This way, if you gift them this exit method, all they have to do is use a power washer to get the blood stains and stuck on brain matter off of their drive way pavement.
Best of luck, sploo. Hope you keep in mind (if you have enough brain cells left to retain this thought after all your inhailent abuse) this lovely idea that would lead to the betterment of your family, neighborhood, and ultimately the world.
Oh and I wanted to ask you a few questions: are you an only child? Were you diagnosed as a child with developmental disabilities or show signs of not being on par with other kids your age? When did you start acting out to the point your family became concerned? Do your parents have mental disabilities? (I've always seen them as being autistic retard cousins who accidentally had a baby, but that's just what I've imagined). Are they related closely? What level of education did they complete? Just curious about what made you, you. You should give us all a nice laid out back story from the early years of your life.
2016-08-13 at 2:57 AM UTC
in
Can I make threads?
Yeah... I'm surprised it doesn't take all that to make a thread... Tbh, half the time it does, which is sad as fuck. I hope Lanny fixes the PMs soon.. Its gay a fuck we can't have that one basic function considering this is a God damn community that has spanned in One form or another, what? I found totse when I was 14... Doesn't Spec go on about it being around since '89? That's 27 God damned years for fucks sake. We deserve to at least be able to send Private messages to one another... Or fuck, post and make threads which half the time, half of us can't. Please, Lanny... We won't be mad if we get nothing from you for Christmas, just fix it now and call it an early Christmas present.
I liked lines 1-3, as well as 11-19. Not particularly my cup of tea, for the most part, but I can appreciate the effort as a writer. I also wanted to let you know I sent you an email (to the address you emailed me from a while back) to ask a question since the fucking stupid PM system does work (Lanny.. It would be nice if we could have just a few basic functions that worked on this shithole site...)
Sophie, I honestly haven't even made a keystroke in that direction. I mentioned before that I had a massive amount of shit going on lately and I don't want to become distracted in my efforts regarding. If I get stuck digging too deep or intently on something when I got a whole other pot of food cooking on the stove, I'm very likely to burn the main dish. I can't go on about the current situation here. Sure it sounds like an excuse, but I said from the start it would likely be a while for me to begin.. And no doubt take a long time since well... I don't speak or read dutch. I promise if you knew the situation going on in the background behind me, you would understand why I don't want to be distracted with doxxing you atm. When I dive into something like that, I get a wee bit obsessive... I don't even have an internet connection other than the data on my phone without taking a 5 minute drive either... And well, that gets tedious with the much more pressing shit I am dealing with. I've only been dicking off here just to keep myself from going completely off the walls batshit insane.
Well, I had a very interesting conversation with the old guy I am living with. It's in the works for us to get a strip of acid and an ounce of mushies. The end of this summer I feel is going to be a very interesting one at least. I do look forward to tripping with him, but I am gonna go off alone one day and have some time to myself to figure shit out with the help of psychedelic drugs- I might even just take two days and drive back to my old stomping grounds and chill out in the woods and near the river I grew up playing in, but idk... I have been saying forever I need a good heavy duty trip to straighten my brain out and I am really looking forward to it, this shit is literally killing me- like a rock and a hard place, mental and physical. Today while everyone was gone I completely just fell out in the kitchen while I was trying to fix dinner before everyone got back, and it happened again after I got up and turned off the stove, not sure how long each time, but I don't think it was all that long. In the last month I have fell unconscious suddenly about 12 times and believe, from what happened and how I felt after I had 3 seizures, though I refused to go to the ER because fuck if I am going to lose my drivers license. With all the bullshit piling on my chest, I really need to get shit straight for these guys I'm caring for and for my son.
Hey, Blah, how have you been? Was wondering where the fuck you disappeared to. You need to post more.
Accidently clicked cucked on your post. I'm sorry, I'm on a shitty phone posting.
When I was very young I wanted to be a genetic engineer when I grew up. How cool will it be to save the people you love from death and suffering? I had a lot of thoughts in my teens that led to not pursue it further... Its complicated... Its a very complex field and as the video mentioned about different groups using it for their advantages and political agendas... My thought process is not organized enough to add more than this right now but it is fascinating regardless of what side people choose to sit on the subject.
2016-08-11 at 4:47 AM UTC
in
I need a physicist.
If you need a physicist then make a report to MUFON. I did and had a physicist from a reputable college called me and I had him on the phone for hours- he was an interesting fella who had a pretty interesting story (he worked for the military in his youth).
Besides that, I am sorry I cannot add anymore to this discussion, though I find it to be a very interesting subject. My dad and I always had similar discussions regarding shit just like this- the thread really made me think a lot about him as this is the same sort of questions we would bounce around with each other all the time while he was alive. I will be checking back and hope the discussion continues.
2016-08-11 at 4:38 AM UTC
in
Niggerfag Infestation
It took you this long to figure that out? Fuck man, I could have clued you in a lot longer ago than this recent revelation that occurred to you.
2016-08-11 at 4:29 AM UTC
in
Human Rights
I agree with what Kreepy said.
To elaborate, pain is what it is, and those people struggling often have for an extended period of time and is no less agonizing than a physical condition. One argument many use is how the death of someone would effect others, but this is bullshit. Everyone dies eventually and nobody should be put in a position to suffer just so another person is contented by the fact another being is alive. It's a selfish arguement. I've got more to add but my thoughts are too disorganized atm.
