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Posts by hydromorphone
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2017-07-18 at 10:56 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Click Here for AIDSI'm feeling very "lovey-dovey" right now... I'm such an emotional, and empathetic person, it hurts sometimes...
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2017-07-18 at 10:55 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Click Here for AIDS
Originally posted by mmQ No I think he's referring to the malice that has told me and countless others here that we are worthless pieces of shit, we'll never amount to anything, and that our death would be the best thing for this planet.
And yes, he meant it.
New malice is far nicer, I admit that.
When his depression was bad, yes, he lashed out and was very, very aggressive in pushing people away from him, and seeing the worst in everyone, including me. That doesn't define who he is though. -
2017-07-18 at 10:49 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Click Here for AIDS
Originally posted by Discount Whore 2.0 are we thinking of the same malice??
Yes, you don't know him like I do. You're too shallow to see his true character, underneath his protective shell.
EDIT: not saying this as an insult, but a lot of people, not just you miss his true character, and his empathetic traits, because he sometimes comes off as a dick and a robot. It's there though... he's a good soul.
Post last edited by hydromorphone at 2017-07-18T22:53:17.231394+00:00 -
2017-07-18 at 10:48 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Click Here for AIDS
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2017-07-18 at 10:44 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Click Here for AIDS
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2017-07-18 at 10:38 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Click Here for AIDS
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2017-07-18 at 10:37 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Click Here for AIDS
since I'm in a mushy mood right now, and reflecting, and appreciating all the love, from so many people I've got to know because of totse/zoklet, I want to show off this cool card 1337 sent me with cocaine in it, I got last Friday. Need to get the card PoC sent me before we got to being a couple too, where he sent me some meth.. that was a good card too lol.
I'm really blessed to have so many people in my life who are my friends, who love me, support me, and are there for me through the best and the worst of who I am. I appreciate all of you who are that to me. I love you guys, and you'll always be part of my "pack", be you near or far.
I just went through a really rough time these last few days, even weeks. It's still not over, and I know a lot of the people I love are struggling still, and so am I to a good degree... but it helps knowing someone has my back, and I've got theirs too.
I am luckier than most in that regard. Very happy to have that in my life, having people who actually give an actual fuck about me. -
2017-07-18 at 10:28 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Click Here for AIDS
Originally posted by Malice I've noticed that the sunglasses I bought to modify in order to limit my peripheral vision for reading make me much calmer. It's probably due to visual hypersensitivity, how intense the world is, the amount of data I take in, and being in a permanent state of high awareness (flight or fight), which causes my abnormal peripheral vision to have a higher level of fixation, as if something dangerous may come into view.
It is the other key hypersensitivity I have which causes a high level of discomfort and anxiety, along with auditory. Makes sense.
Heh, the combo of these glasses and earmuffs produces a pretty distinct look, somewhat reminiscent of a mad scientist. I swear I'm going to keep printouts of what the muffs and glasses are for in case anyone ever asks in school; a concise overview at top followed by a more extensive explanation on the bottom. Now I just need a white lab coat.
Looking in a mirror, it seems pretty ridiculous that this is what it takes to replicate a neurotypical experience. *shrugs* Doesn't really bother me, and there is the childish egotistical aspect of making me feel cool and unique. At least when properly honed neurologically abnormal aspie brain can have immense advantages.
Post last edited by Malice at 2017-07-18T22:16:05.608011+00:00
Whatever it takes to make you feel comfortable, fuck anyone else and what they think. Those people aren't worth the scum on your boots, the ones who would mock, or ridicule someone for how they look or dress, or whatever, but I think you're smart enough to know that. Those kinds of people are why I hate humanity. Those superficial, ignorant, dumbfucks who's life goal is just to tear people down, and make others miserable, I think partially because they're miserable.
Think about this, Mal: You have always tried to raise people up, and even when you got depressed and went to tearing them down, or hurting others, you at least still did sprinkle in some advice, albeit hard to follow or take in, when being hurt and talked down to, like you do sometimes, you still always have tried to help others with the information you've come across in your own pursuit to help yourself. There's a lot to be said for that, and it shows a lot about your character.
I don't think a lot of people, even PoC or 1337, understand you completely, nor do I claim to understand you in any sense of the word "complete", but I think I get you better than most, and look past your annoying habit of talking down to people, or being persistent (I can be VERY persistent too... I just do it a lot more skillful than you do, I believe, and if it makes you feel any better, I've taken your advice for others and got them to follow suit by going around in a different way of getting them to see the picture of it, and been quite successful in doing that...) You're a good person, better than most see, even yourself sometimes, I think. I can look past a lot of flaws, and annoyances in people to see them at their depth. It unnerves some people, like §m£ÂgØL for instance, but I do have the skill of seeing past things in people, seeing right through all their socially constructed barricades, an/or "hard exterior shells" and breaking them open. I've always been good at that... I think animals have helped me learn to do this. They've been the overwhelming influence in my social skills and empathy. -
2017-07-18 at 10:16 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Click Here for AIDS
Originally posted by Malice The differences in long-term memory, retention, fidelity, and detail, along with the OCD thought patterns, the fixation on thoughts, which can occur at a considerably faster rate and frequency, longer total extent, than normal, simply cements this, it positively modulates the storage of these events, and increases the effect, which is almost always detrimental, even traumatic.
This is of key importance for people with ASD, particularly highly anxious subtypes, to understand. PoC most strongly displays this behavior. After this realization and understanding something I worked toward ingraining, changing about myself, and still do to this day, was to consistently remind myself that my negative emotions were greatly amplified, my response to any negative social event in particular, and that I had to stop ruminating on it. When changing my view from a personal to an impersonal one, viewed from a higher vantage point, it became clear how petty these events truly were, that the other person did not ascribe nearly as much significance, and that afterward they would simply and rapildly move on with their day, not even devoting much thought to what had occurred.
Understanding and accepting how incredibly damaging your natural behavior, this process, is.
hypersentivity and level of awareness and how it can help read them.
I've experienced the exact same thing throughout my life.
When people meet/see someone they feel positively towards, who is in proximity, a natural reaction is for their eyebrows to rise (body language). Yesterday or the day before I noticed that I automatically and involuntarily did this when I saw Ash and Bella for the first time that day. I can't recall ever having done this with a human. Kind of funny that the first time I displayed this standard human body language, naturally reserved only for our own species, was with cats. They are the animal I feel the highest affinity towards and enjoy the company of most. Nearly, other than perhaps natural scenery, the only thing that brings me closest to a positive response, even a slight smile (I am definitely not very expressive, at all.), when I'm outside. They always catch my attention and I try to make friends with them if they seem calm enough, socialized, or at least call out to them. Smiling, exchanging pleasantries, conversation, attempts at friendship.
Cats are my people.
I agree fully with your remark on PoC, having witnessed it first hand, irl. It's not always a bad thing, but until it's harnessed and directed positively, it can be very bad, but coming to terms, and utilizing it- for an expample, I think you're a great one for this, since you do seem to take your traits, be they good or bad and manipulate them as best you can for positive in you life, which I think is something definitely you should be proud of, Mal. I hope one day PoC, and even can come to be better with our negative traits.
You know how you called it with PoC and me? Well, here's where I can say I called it with you and animals. I'm glad you have friends now IRL, Malice. Animals, IME can be just as good, even better than humans. I really can empathize a lot with your comments about them. PoC is a lot like me when it comes to animals too. He really needs to go back to school and get a job working with them, I think that would definitely help make his, and our life together, a lot happier and more content.
Just a side note: He has a cat (I call him 'CockBlock' because well... lol, he always wants to sit in front of us whe we video chat- PoC, it's a term of endearment, not an insult to him ;) ). I usually prefer dogs, and don't really like cats all that much, but I do like his cats, in particular, this one. Every time he's upset or in a bad mood, or not feeling good, you can see this cat trying to console him. Even when I was there, and my anxiety was bad, his fat kitty-cat really did help me a great deal. I'm glad he has that, he really does need that unconditional love when he's feeling bad and so do I.
I sorta "adopted" a cat a while back... When PoC and I were video chatting for the first couple times, here came this cat, when I went to check, after hearing what sounded like a kitten meowing. He was malnourished and shit... I immediately got him food, water, and he jumped in my arms and sleeps with me sometimes... he definitely is very helpful, from that first meeting even, in helping me deal with my anxiety, and my need for physical contact, which helps me sleep a lot better when he's there or like when I visited PoC, I slept fucking wonderfully... better than being knocked out with all the tranquilizers in the world lol- wish I had that more often. -
2017-07-18 at 10 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Click Here for AIDSMalice, thank you for helping me better understand myself, my life, my problems and struggles... and also for doing the same in that regard with people I love. It means a lot to me. I'll always remember you as someone who shaped my life for the better. You've really helped a lot there, with people I love... and my god, that means a lot to me.
I could be here suffering in chronic pain, day to day... but I'm not. I at least have something that works for me, due to your recommendation. It sucks in a lot of ways, as any addiction can, being mainly financial, but, hey... I guess it could be worse.
I'll always consider you "friend", and glad to have known you. -
2017-07-18 at 9:56 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Click Here for AIDS
Originally posted by Sophie Almost sounds like a heroin addiction would be cheaper by this point.
with my tolerance, no fucking way... T-PAIN still is the cheapest route for me. I spend about 424$ a month on T-PAIN, for my chronic pain to function. About the same as a good pain management doctor, without all the bullshit and I definitely wouldn't be getting enough to last me the way my tolerance is at this point in time.
Just thought ya'll might wanna see my collection of old jars... It's like a hobby of sorts, except it effects every part of my life, to the point of crippling it sometimes... but meh... I'm no quitter. -
2017-07-18 at 9:53 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Click Here for AIDS
Ah, god... at least I'm not in WDs in at the moment lol. These are my latest "victims" though. -
2017-07-18 at 9:24 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Click Here for AIDS
Originally posted by NARCassist you wasn't very specific on the number of jars tho. its difficult to multiply $212 by 'dozens' to get a substantial answer.
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there was what... 8 jars in the pic. that's over 1600$ right there. That's what I meant by "do the math" just with what was at my finger tips at the moment... 1600$ worth of T-PAIN sodium I've gone through.
Originally posted by mashlehash I'm fail rapping in my garage right now.
You took a shower and never came back... and you don't fail rap, you're actually pretty fucking good at it. -
2017-07-18 at 9:19 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Click Here for AIDS
Originally posted by Dargo You talk like a fucking trauma survivor, and it's not just those two lines. It's every post.
Only people like war veterans who have seen the most unimaginable, horrorific shit life has to offer are allowed to talk like that. Otherwise you're nothing more than a massive cringeworthy faggot.
I watched, literally, like Gilgamesh, my friend, my child, my soulmate rot in front of me for 3 days before we could bury him. I've held innocent lives in my arms as they passed away suddenly, and sometimes not so suddenly... As a child from the time I was 4 years old, we had a dog who was having seizures. I knew instinctively I should hold them and protect their head, so I'd wrap myself around them and lay on the ground in their seizures with them until they came out of it, so I could get my dad to get them valium (well, until I was a few years older and could get it for them myself that is). I've had the sorrow of going out to spend time with a beloved family member, haunted by the "Know" that death was coming, but not knowing who it was for, to find out I was right, and it was someone I loved... coming jut a few hours later to find their body still warm in the sun, but stiffening up, dead. I've come home to a dear friend ripped to pieces by coyotes... I've had to do mercy killings for those I've loved, I've had to pull that trigger, once slitting their throat.
I've witnessed a lot of awful things in my life. I've also witnessed a lot of beautiful things too...
I haven't been through war, but I sure have experienced something close to it as far as watching those around me I love die, having to kill them out of love and mercy, having to watch their carcass mock me... Probably why I do have PTSD, and a lot of fucked up shit in my head.
Malice, sorry about you misunderstanding. Most of the souls I've loved in this life have been animals of one variety or another... I've loved them more on the deepest levels than I have most human beings. I don't usually.... sync up with humanity, but with animals I do, with animals I communicate best, and can speak from heart to heart.
It was a pretty wonderful thing to laugh and spend a night on that full moon ("Silver horses, ran down moonbeams..." makes sense in the song 'The white room' a lot more than it used to after that trip lol) with Gil. It gave me comfort to know one day I'll find him again... and while he's far, we're all connected in life, which bridges the gap, making us a lot closer... making us still be able to give and receive love to one another... I feel him sometimes, as I do others I've loved. The other night I was hallucinating my dog who died on my birthday this year... I heard his bark... I smelled him fill the room.... I accept that I'm probably just crazy, but sometimes I really can feel a spirit of someone I love coming to comfort me when shit is bad... -
2017-07-18 at 7:57 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Click Here for AIDS
Originally posted by Malice Except for mine it's tied to social interaction, events in my own life, and emotion.
It really is similar to a video that can be recalled, skipped through, possibly even played backward or with speed alterations.
I have something like this... I can go back and recall a moment in time with crystal clarity... sometimes that's not a god thing. I'll break down in tears randomly, either from missing person/animal/moment, even if it would be considered to me a happy memory... I've lost a lot that I love in my 28 years of life.
Psilocybin has helped me reach out, and during a particularly high dose, before my father died, but after my horse, whom in every way I would consider my "first child", and well... I got to be with him on the moon for a few hours. Not so much "be" with him, it's hard to explain... but I felt him and touched his soul through the cosmos once again... We're destined for now to have our paths split, but one day... sometime... down the river of life, of being, living and dying- I will find him again. Our souls are magnets, attracted to one another, ever pulling, despite the vastness of the universe dividing us apart. Death isn't the end, it's just a break point to something else, to revolve back around in this ever spinning wheel we know as life and death.
I have this one memory that I remember with absolute clarity, which I often recall... and it takes me back, takes me back to being on my boy's back, and him thundering across a wide open field covered with every beautiful shade of pink, red, yellow, and blue in wild flowers, I could feel the strength of him shaking the earth under us, his power, and our bodies feeling as though they just became one being. I'd closed my eyes, and savored everything, every smell, every sound, the touch of my hands clutching his mane, his strong, soft neck arched... the wind blowing through my hair, the smell of both of our bodies pouring sweat, the salt taste in my mouth from our sweat.
I remembered that moment, and thought consciously to myself, that I should do everything I can to remember every detail of that day, that moment with him, the one thing that has brought me the pinnacle of my happiness... I'm glad I did, and I' glad I can go visit that day, time and time again, despite it bringing me sorrow sometimes, knowing he's not here with me anymore, and my life has seen a lot of loss in it since that day... -
2017-07-18 at 6:26 PM UTC in Why does every fucking drug have to have a come down?I just came off a 3 day taper/WD bout... my fucking god, WDs are awful... "comedowns" don't fucking hold a candle to fucking WDs.
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2017-07-18 at 6:25 PM UTC in Why does every fucking drug have to have a come down?
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2017-07-18 at 3:14 PM UTC in I'm about to go jailwhat'd you get busted for spec- tell us prison stories, since you have suggested heavily you know what you're talking about (and you don't, just like with CompSci, just so you can feel like you fit in)? Come on, tell us what you got busted for, years served, and during what years (since you keep saying "back in the day"). Sure, every place is different, but you just sound like you're talking out your ass and likely just got put in the drunk tank a couple times as a teenager/young adult, and want to pretend you know wtf you're talking about...
Fucking orange juice... lol... that's fucking retarded, you know. -
2017-07-18 at 3:10 PM UTC in I'm about to go jailSpec is being retarded again. I fucking PERSONALLY KNOW some prison guards DO fucking smuggle in drugs/other hard to get items for inmates, for a price. You always find SOMEONE who's on the take. Trustee's are NOT the one's bringing in drugs for the most part, maybe some, but in prison, not County, their contact with people is a lot more limited- they do roadcrew shit, where as in this case they worked semi-close to the public. Sure, they get a measure of slack compared to the average inmate (at our county dump there was this one nice trustee there, he'd help us unload and shit... I'd always leave him between 5-10 cigarettes. Would at least leave 1-3 for other trustee's when he wasn't in the general area still though) but not fucking like Spec thinks the word "trustee" means... I knew a lot of the prison guards, personally, who'd bring in shit and make a fucking fortune- they're the people who get the least checks when coming in and leaving work.
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2017-07-18 at 2:59 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Click Here for AIDS
Originally posted by RisiR † You should absolutely get your lobotomy in an Asian back alley hospital.
"Who cares if he's a doctor? He's putting down cats for a living."…
People give a bad rep to ALL foreign, S.E. Asian hospitals/elective procedures preformed, but really, there are some super nice hospitals, with experienced physician's. You hear horror stories and shit, particularly with bob-jobs, but... shit can and does happen even in the best of American/European hospitals too, all the time. It doesn't get talked about as much, since in the case of "vacation procedures", they don't have the long term care and follow up that they might have if they were residents and could return for those things. People generally stay just long enough to be able to fly back home for the cost issue. Don't think surgeries don't get botched anywhere else, and mostly, the case comes from infection, which again can happen anywhere from poor after care due to the patient not following appropriate aftercare instructions. It doesn't mean the doctor did a damn thing wrong.