I believe, from what other people told me, the scheduled city orchestrated fireworks display was canceled due to the weather (it's been over caste and rained a little earlier), but there was 3 filthy rich families who put on one hell of a display at the beach, and we could see many others further up the inlet and across the channel in New Jersey. I even took the baby in to swim in the water, though the water was cold, he had fun. Smoked some weed before we left, so I was thoroughly stoned during the display- they have medical marijuana where I am at too. My life is a fucked up rollercoaster of highs and lows- the lows are low but the highs are pretty Damn cool I must admit, not certain if it's all worth it, but Atleast my baby is having a good time for now.
At the beach, watching fireworks with the baby and pretending to be a rich white yuppie, surrounded by other rich white yuppies while I stay in a beach house that's rented out for 2500 a week. I've yet to see one person of color since so arrived here- not even a person with a dark tan.
Also, §m£ÂgØL, in case you check here, I can't receive nor send texts for some reason- the baby grabbed the phone and went on a calling spree and you were a victim last night if it went through, he ended up calling other people too. Service sucks here and it's hit or mis if a call goes through or text.
Oh, and being back in the north east, the quality of food is like a million times better than Florida. When I first moved, it was like all the food sucked, everywhere, save for a few select places, but back here there is actually good food everywhere again. I haven't been eating much, like I've gone days without eating for the past few months, but Atleast when I do grab something to eat, it's actually worth my time to be eating. The weather is supposed to me nice tomorrow so I guess the baby and I are going to the beach and on a ferryboat ride across to another state to this state park that supposed to be interesting. Then some kinda dinner outting with rich old people.
Jesus Christ, the overheard conversations of people with too much money and not enough sense. Its like they are a whole different species of human beings that engage with other people wIth fear and distrust when another person walking by simply says "hello, how are you all doing today?" while continuing on. Everyone is cold and distrustful here- that is one thing I've noticed from most people, though at least people who aren't wealthy enough for a beach house to vacation tend toatleast pretend to be friendly. The mentality and way one engages with others in Florida is much different compared to here.
Asfor pushing me over the edge- I was already there, no pushing needed. I don't know tthat I wont, just floating for now in this pretty interesting situation now.
I certainly wouldn't commit suicide solely for what you said to me, Malice. I dont, nor ever expected friendship from you- it may be what I need, but I've not ever deluded myself that you would provide that. I've dealt with a lot of people similar to you (probably not as smart, but same condition), and I know how it goes, people like you are incapable of any real friendship. I have extended an olive branch, but that's the kind of person I am, I know you could not ever reciprocate the gesture, not in any meaningful way, but again, I have always appreciated your perspective and advice, even now. I have no hard feelings. Days before I made an attempt, which obviously failed. I tried to reply to your email, but the phone I am using is an even bigger piece of shit than my old one, which was lost during the move. Situation has changed a wee bit, and now I am pretending to be a rich yuppie, at a beach house, literally a block from the beach. I'll be here a week, so when I get some wifi, I'll give a more detailed reply, right now I just don't have the time.
Malice, I sent you an email and I would appreciate it if you would get back to me (and at least for a while, until shit settles down, not post on here about what I emailed you about-but really doesn't matter, but everyone has me super paranoid). Nobody, not even the people around me, believe wtf is going on. I am a magnet for fucked shit happening. I really, really need a friend through this shit (or a autist to advise me without bias atleast)- I am on the cusp of just losing it completely- I can't even just fucking die properly.
I think I love the people I do because I'd rather not hate or hold grievances in my heart- I want and have strived to be a person of love, kindness,,and giving. I believe the root to all my self hate and suicidal contemplations come from a place to avoid causing those I do love and hold dear pain. I believe I am the root to all the pain in the lives of those I love and that's why my love has never been reciprocated. If I die today, I have nobody on this earth who would shed a single tear, and when I think about that, it makes me feel a mix of sadness and relief- relief that I wouldn't cause more pain, and sadness because most people and myself want to be loved. I think everyone wants to have a life with love, acceptance, and genuine contentedness, just some people like me never find all that. I am going to do the one thing I was told to do by someone I love with all my heart, supposedly said out of anger, but then again everything else they told me was a lie and I believe with all my heart it was the truth. I don't need love recipricated to continue loving and caring for that person and it would suit everyone involved- my pain and suffering will end, and their life will be better for me gone. As for my son, he won't even know who I am or that there is anyone to even mourn when he grows up, I've called DCF and I found a way around my ex husband, hopefully, for him to be adopted. I walk away from hate and pain this morning, I can feel them starting to hit me as I type. The only thing I will regret is that things couldn't be different- I wish I were one of those people who always had all the cards, aces up the sleeve, and where my heart would be not so broken- it's always been broken- I wish I had a life where the dice always rolled in my favor because I've not had it do that very often or regarding important events in my life. Good luck. Achieve much and regret little. Love is one of those things that can keep you alive and also kill you- at least for some of us. Sometimes things People who do things for others isn't exactly for them, rather the person who was doing a lot of the time- that's why I did what I did- sorry it hurt you, so sorry. If I could do it over, if I could find a way in another life to fix it., I wish I could.
To be fair, since my injuries, I feel the same way- to need something- though I am very particular. I want medication that eases the pain, that I can function on, and not be a space cadet. I don't like being out of control or unable to do things. This is why opiates are my drug of choice and I, for the most part, avoid other drugs. Lately, to help with the wds I've been in I've ate a shitload of somas, some kpins, and during the drive here are a bunch of adderall to stay awake- but that is out of the norm for me. Once my medicine comes, I won't be touching that shit with a ten foot pole- I don't like how it makes me feel or think, but it has helped somewhat for wds. I don't even smoke a lot of pot very often, if I have it it's usually for someone else.
Come on, Malice, please don't be dead. There are very few people I genuinely enjoy reading what they have to say and you're one of them.
CountBlah, where the Fuck are you- I've got a question to ask if youre still alive regarding my truck. I also wanted to see how you're doing and what's up with the mother in law crap you had going on, and how shit is with your girlfriend- it's been a while since you've posted anything, hope all is well.
Never thought Id say it, but there are better drugs than heroin.
2016-06-27 at 6:08 PM UTC
in
ATTN: Hydro
Yeah, we are in different time zones, but who knows, before long I am gonna be blowing this joint- Ill head that way, kidnap him again (I got another bottle of kpins, and working on my rape van atm) and hopefully get the goods. He will wake up in Montana on the side of the road, covered in piss, feces, and alcohol, with a horrible hangover wondering what happened, where is shit including his laptop is and when he makes it to civilization, finally home again, he will get on here with his book posted.
2016-06-27 at 6:02 PM UTC
in
Crouton
Crouton sucks. It kinda sorta helped me through WDs, but still fuck man... I was still on the fence, and I wouldn't get it again, Id just suffer or find real opiates to skim by on until my shit comes.
my addiction runs me 360 a month. I manage. The only reason I had to deal with any WDs is because fuck UPS and fuck USPS not running 7 days a week. Thank god someone knows a pretty straight heroin dealer around here who doesn't fuck around, fronts, and is always where he says hes gonna be.
close, but no cigar. You got 1 outta 3. Just got to the public library here and had it out with them because apparently a passport isn't good enough ID to use their computers (my roommate is using my laptop atm) and being jumped up on H I felt like, for the sake of the principle, arguing. Its not right and the lady argued my Passport was expired for 30 minutes and got mad when I said she couldn't read- she kept reading the Date of Issue, and Below was the date expiration. Finally, when I said, "Okay, if I walk out of here unable to use a computer, I swear I will have ALL Federal funding yanked from this library- I might be homeless, but I sure have stirred the pot else where, and trust me, they have no problem with my Passport anymore" "I got a wait, wait, wait!" and the Library director came out and talked to me. Like wtf, just because there is no address on my passport (A fucking FEDERAL ID, which they wanted to argue it wasn't- it is). People are so fucking retarded here. I am leaving soon. I cannot deal with the retardation here for much longer- 3 days and Im ready to call it quits. This place is awful. I grew up a state away, actually very close and I bounce back and forth if I drive one way down the highway- never thought Id be back here, or that just one imaginary line would make people so fucking stupid.
Also the area (not the town, the general area) I am in, the abbreviation for it is LSD. I've been seeing bumper stickers and shit saying LSD all the Fuck over and was kinda taken aback. Then I figured it out.
Meh.. Did my last dose of H until tomorrow. Well.. Atleast it shouldn't be too long before I get it- mail runs around 12 here. I'm hoping maybe I can score a few more bags until then. Addiction sucks.
Nah, I don't think Malice is dead, I'd expect more from him than to just off himself like that. He's been seeking recovery more than anyone on this whole fucked up forum, ai doubt he would stop now when he is pretty close to finding something that has real promise. That would suck though if he did kick the bucket- he is one of the few people I enjoy on this forum. I really hope you're wrong.
Hey Malice, was wondering how the search for Nardil was going.. Did you find, or possibly have someone lined up with it? Why did your psych have you on it then take you off in the first place? That's kinda fucked.
