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Posts by Malice
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2018-04-26 at 10:35 PM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
Originally posted by Count_blah Do you have any fear of death? Not will it hurt or am I going to heaven or hell, but the fact it's an unknown.
“Death is not an evil, because it frees us from all evils, and while it takes away good things, it takes away also the desire for them. Old age is the supreme evil, because it deprives us of all pleasures, leaving us only the appetite for them, and it brings with it all sufferings. Nevertheless, we fear death, and we desire old age.” ― Giacomo Leopardi
Death is nothing to us. When we're alive we aren't dead, and when we're dead there's no longer any identity to experience suffering.
It's like going to sleep and never waking up again. What's so bad about that? -
2018-04-26 at 7:34 PM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.Jesus christ, life just gets so fucking old fast. There's only so much variation. Especially if you have memory quirks, advanced pattern recognition, and are a hyper-systemizer, you just begin to notice and ingrain all these underlying patterns in things.
It's novelty that's a critical issue.
"If it wasn't for drinking I wouldn't know what to do with myself."
Well, hopefully meth will fix this issue. Yeah, it probably will, pretty standard to make some things seem far more fascinating.
Mark my words, Lanny, you have no idea just how old life rapidly begins to feel. It's probably a major part of why people begin to make the idiotic decision to have children in a primitive and futile attempt to find meaning in their life.
Seriously, give me some advice for how to fill my time if anime and video games just don't cut it anymore, people are boring as fuck, wilderness is nothing but endless repetition, I don't like food and hate eating, reading has long lost its joy, travelling would simply lead me to other people and buildings I have no interest in, see no beauty in.
There's just no escape. Well, there is one way out of the human predicament...
"Develop a passion in life." Nothing appeals to me, the reality doesn't come close to the ideal, attaining a career ruins it for the vast majority.
I just don't know what to do. Maybe the meth regimen will send me back into maddo scientisto mode. -
2018-04-26 at 7:25 PM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.It's amazing what a difference a low dose of etizolam in the morning makes. I don't feel any compulsion to redose, don't seem to develop side effects or experience a rebound/comedown effect, no euphoria. It's just total normalization of critical aspects of brain activity. Fasoracetam is also excellent for normalizing the glutamatergic system, enhancing choline reuptake, both of which are highly relevant to a.utism, as well as treating ADD, which has a high comorbidity with the 'tism.
I'm considering experimenting with inducing dopamine hyper-sensitization by using very low doses of dextromethamphetamine (1mg or less) daily for a prolonged period. These effects can last a long time. There are serious risks, which is why I would be extremely cautious. I wonder if something similar could be achieved for serotonin with a serotonin releaser like MDAI. Serotonin levels in particular seem to be abnormally low in ASD, and this could alleviate numerous issues.
For the dopamine, I wonder if inducing hypersensitivity could be a good treatment for abnormally low basal hedonic tone, low mood, anhedonia, deriving little pleasure from live, ADD, things like that.
If it also hypersensitizes norepinephrine I would be fucked.
Hmm, yeah, probably best to just stick to my low dose meth regimen plan. -
2018-04-26 at 6:28 PM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
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2018-04-26 at 4:31 PM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.LSD, you should read this if you’re interested: https://www.longecity.org/forum/topic/71485-my-wonderful-50-day-experience-with-therapeutic-doses-of-methamphetamine-desoxyn-healed-my-mind/
There are other user reports that come up if you Google “meth microdosing”.
Pharmaceutical D-meth, or as close as you can get to it from clandestine syntheses, taking at low oral doses (3-10mg), is very different from typical street meth use.
I’ve posted studies before that actually demonstrate some fascinating beneficial effects at these doses, taken orally.
Also, I don’t expect this experiment to actually work, to be enough to make life worth living, allow me to function well enough to reach my goals. I do take into account behavioral modifications, such as exercise and regular fulfilling socialization. My problems are just incredibly treatment resistant. A.utism is simply a horrendous crippling disorder that’s extremely complex and has a vast array of effects. The unfortunate reality, and this is strongly supported by a wealth of evidence, is that the vast majority of people on the a.utism spectrum never manage to succeed and have tragic lives. Even among those with college degrees the unemployment rate is an astounding 85%. There are numerous other statistics on outcomes that paint the bleakest picture.
Being able to read well and convey yourself intelligently only shows you a tiny aspect of a person’s life.
Bad parents, bad city/environment, bad schools, lack of diagnosis and treatment, unbelievable levels of social isolation and alienation (This has the strongest set of long term negative effects out of anything), severe chronic anxiety, severe social deficits, severe chronic depression, extremely weakened ability to experience pleasure/positive emotions, and among those on the spectrum being “high functioning” (this term is misleading because it’s simply relative to classical autism) actually increases your risk of suicide.
I have all the factors for an extremely high lifetime risk of suicide. Bipolar disorder and schizophrenia also have very high lifetime suicide rates, and most of the factors I mentioned also increase this risk. People like PoC and Bipolar High Roller understand what living with a condition like this is like.
It’s probably too late for me at this point in my life, I’m already 28 and the development of my brain has been permanently affected. IRL I’m not even close to coming across as high functioning as I do online.
Then again, for people with ADD proper treatment can be profoundly life changing. Dextromethamphetamine is about as powerful a treatment as you can get.
It’s not going to change anything about the external world, though. Other people and the world they’ve created will always be a hell to me. The only chance for a fulfilling life is to devote myself to my intellectual pursuits, before my depression reached a level of severity that destroyed me. I’m not sure I can ever return to that state due to how I’ve changed, my philosophy/worldview, how profoundly disillusioned I am. I’ve completely lost interest in the world and have lost any sense of wonder. The latter issue may be the most massive obstacle to a scholarly life. Solving problems like it’s a game/challenge just isn’t the same.
There’s a good chance I’ll simply utilize the effects of meth to study Schopenhauer, related philosophers, and a set of books on Buddhism, as preparation for death.
With meth therapy I may have the energy and motivation yo turn suicide into a project. An idea I have for the end is to have a continual encrypted stream, so my location won’t be discovered, where people can send me questions. The method of death would be through extreme self deprivation, slowly starving myself to death, and devoting all my time to meditation, study, and contemplation. Prior to this I would extensively document what led to this and write on various subjects.
In a text file I started one day and abandoned, although it ended up being fairly lengthy, I speculated on why the Buddha forbade monks from recording anything. Buddhism has a fascinating history, and for the highest level of monks some practices may have reached extreme levels. I speculated that at some point some may have chosen to undergo the process I described and utilized it to convey what they learned from the most extreme point of human existence. Interestingly I later learned that this form of suicide was the only one Schopenhauer truly respected. -
2018-04-26 at 7:40 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.You should read about people's experiences with Desoxyn if you haven't before, they're pretty fascinating.
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2018-04-26 at 7:36 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.Why? Even I don't like myself.
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2018-04-26 at 7:09 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.Fuck yeah, an internet aniki just helped me out by guiding me towards a really good vendor that sells high quality batches of pure dextro-methamphetamine.
Fuck psychiatrists, there's almost no chance you'd get Desoxyn and I'd have to pay $160 out of pocket for only 60 5mg pills.
I'm not taking my chances with what's likely racemic cartel garbage cut with n-iso and MSM. Only the best for daddy.
I can't wait. It'll probably be here by Monday.
Still planning on buying the pentobarbital, though. This isn't guaranteed to lead to a life worth living. -
2018-04-25 at 8:25 PM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.Well that didn’t last long. Back to my old suicidal self. About to go open a PO box.
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2018-04-25 at 9:31 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.I just looked through every single app/game for the Gear VR and there's almost nothing worth using. This could definitely change rapidly once the Oculus Go is released, but i would definitely hold off on it and wait for cheap used models to go on sale once people lose interest.
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2018-04-25 at 8:22 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.Drugs...they just work!
Regardless of whether I'm not suffering, or even actually become happy, if, after beginning a low dose methamphetamine regimen, I confirm that I don't have what it takes to accomplish my goals, I will still go through with my plans. I'm still going to acquire all the materials for the perfect suicide so I can go any day I. You never know when life will become unbearable. I'll have a peaceful, painless, method of suicide that will last at least 5 years.
I mean, hey, I still need some recreation until that time. -
2018-04-25 at 7:44 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.I'm thinking about a getting a used Oculus Go to tide me over until gen 2 once it comes out. Hmm, then again, there seem to barely be any good Gear VR games, which is all it can play. Watching videos, especially films, in the theater app is pretty cool. Oh, it looks like Virtual Desktop and Big Screen. The latter has some sweet features, like public and private rooms where you can watch things and do other things with other people, as well as being able to stream from your PC over wifi. https://blog.bigscreenvr.com/sign-up-for-bigscreen-beta-testing-on-the-samsung-gear-vr-8bb8adf40013
The screen is supposed to be really good, and the price is fantastic.
Watching other people try "Face Your Fears" is also bound to be fucking hilarious. Probably the most terrifying experience currently available. -
2018-04-25 at 6:22 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.A.utism power ACTIVATE!
Yes...it's coming back to me...albeit a bit hazy...I do not have a normal sense of time, so I'm uncertain of how long ago this was. I recall she moved in with you do having nowhere else to go and being unemployed. She was a severe alcoholic and you finding her bottles. She was also supposed to get a job, but kept coming up with excuses. Drove you insane. I distinctly recall how immensely you disliked her, how stressful having her in your house was for you, how it was driving you insane. Yes, you listed various aspects of her past and current behavior and I agreed with you that she was not the kind of person that would ever change and get it together. I also remember you were planning to leave her at a camp ground, which was pretty funny. Your girlfriend kept going on about how she's family as if that was the most important thing in the world and wasn't willing to listen to reason. I recall she was also a lousy mother, to the point of being abusive, yet this did not sway her. Not simply lousy, terrible, by all means she should have wanted nothing to do with her. Oh, and it built to the point where you told her she was eventually going to have to choose between her and you, and she would have chosen her mother.I could be mistaken, but it may not have simply been alcohol did you find, but was it also needles? And had she just gotten out of rehab before moving in with you? Your GF was naive and blinded enough to believe that this time she was finally going to turn things around for good. I think she may have particularly pissed you off at one point by eating your food? And there was something about a job. I'm not entirely sure whether she simply wasn't really trying to look for one and kept making excuses or if something else happened, like getting fired rapidly.
How close was I? What did I miss?
Also, how long ago was it that she moved in, how did she end up leaving, and how did she die?
One day they should create a version of the Xavier Institute from X-Men, except for a.utistic people. I want to reach Kim Peek/Rain Main levels of power one day. -
2018-04-25 at 6:05 AM UTC in You're all so smart, it's amazing to me.
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2018-04-25 at 5:16 AM UTC in You're all so smart, it's amazing to me.I’ve actually never come across a philosophical concept that I hadn’t already thought of. There’s really no reason for me to read books anymore now that I’ve grasped ultimate reality, so I just spend all my time watching anime and dicking around online now.
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2018-04-25 at 3:41 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.Ha, remember that philosophy midterm I barely studied for because I was suicidal? The one we could use a full handwritten page of notes, front and back, for? It turns out the professor made some changes to the test and forgot to change the answer key. I got a fucking 100 on it and finished 2nd. I may have gotten the highest score in the class.
Originally posted by Enter I can't tell whose voice and look I hate more, the guy's or the girl's.
You'd love Leftover Crack, then. -
2018-04-25 at 3:36 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.^ This is a good song for many people here. Not Lanny, though. Maybe in the past, but not anymore.
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2018-04-25 at 3:33 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.Blare this song when you're in the mood, motherfuckers: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v0dUnoecoZ0
I'm in punk mode right now.
Amusingly enough, I actually came across this from a radio that Spotify made off Crywank's "Tomorrow Is Nearly Yesterday And Everyday Is Stupid".
Also, I'm really tempted to mess with the teacher that reported me by slipping a letter under her classroom door and making her think I committed suicide because of what she did. It would be a poem followed by a picture of something and some quotes. I have a really good idea for the general outline, what to include in it. It would mess with her so much. I know I'm going to get spoken to by the cops and someone from the school, though. I could keep an extra dose of etiz in my backpack to remain extra chill throughout it. After that was over I would slip another note under her that simply said, "Got you good." -
2018-04-25 at 3:28 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.I feel so much close back to my old self, when I'm at a healthy level. I'm regaining some energy and passion. I did have a can of sugar free Rockstar, and the tiz seems to have prevented the negative effects, despite being hypersensitive to caffeine (160mg in a can).
This is a clear sign that I need stims, particularly meth. They complete me. They were made for my body. -
2018-04-25 at 3:25 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
Originally posted by LegalizeSpiritualDiscovery Remember that time drugs saved some dude's life? This is that time.
Jesus christ, you finally become sober after a long period of being an unbelievable hardcore junkie fuckup and now you feel you're qualify to make determinations about everyone's life.
Let's see, I take a low dose of etizolam and my symptoms of PTSD, anxiety, some aspects of autism, chronic neurological pain, and to a large extent depression and suicidal ideation, are gone, and I'm not experiencing any rebound effect. What a surprise! Could it be because I have genuine disorders, including a neurological/genetic disorder known as autism? No! I couldn't possibly have a genuine need for meditation! Just get out more and PUSSY, it's capable of solving every problem there is!
No, it's not a total solution, the only thing I need to do, and it won't necessarily be something I can rely on forever, but anxiety medication can be an excellent tool for recovery.
You've always had an absolutely vile attitude. Generally I only do so when someone's blatant stupidity and unwarranted condescending attitude rouse my ire.