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Posts by Malice
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2018-05-24 at 1:03 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/W3XpQDTEkaPQAuvHz/really-extreme-altruism
I'm thinking about doing some good with my death and getting the best life insurance policy possible, setting up a will so that it's all donated to either an animal charity or something related to artificial intelligence. Maybe the former because my influence could insignificant.
If I left some fentanyl laced heroin lying around and syringes they would rule it as an overdose, and I don't think they would have any problem with paying out. If you commit suicide within two years of getting life insurance it's either reduced (don't know by how much) or eliminated. I would need to research this, but at this level of depression and suffering it's the standard to be drained of all energy and motivation, any concern other than dying.
Setting things up so that my organs would be donated would be cool too, potentially saving multiple lives or at least greatly increasing the quality of their life. It's too risky, though. I don't want to take the chance of being found before I'm dead and spending the rest of my life forced to be kept alive in a state where I can't end my life.
I'd like it if I could set up a delayed message to be sent to everyone involved informing them of what had really occurred. -
2018-05-24 at 12:48 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
Originally posted by NARCassist didn't you order that from some online mexican 'pharmacy or summing? it'd be funny af if you went to kill yourself to only then find out that the stuff is counterfeit and if you're lucky prolly barely has enough pheno in it to get you mildly high, let alone an hero yourself with the stuff, lol.
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I'm not dumb enough to fall for that. I did it the proper way. I'm very good with information. It's legit, and it's like under $20 a bottle in Mexico, it's not even worth counterfeiting.
Originally posted by DietPiano Learning how to IV by yourself is trickier than you think Malice. You have to play with some needles for a bit to really figure it out.
La vet clinic de mexico. The poor piggers that were supposed to be put out of their misery before they started an epidemic that will span 2/3 of the globe. Shame
No, you drink it after taking powerful anti-emetics. You pass out before you're able to inject enough to die. Maybe if it was potentiated with a timed release capsule of a huge dose of opioids and benzos or you rigged up a simple motorized contraption that would just keep pushing it to a certain point. -
2018-05-24 at 12:31 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
Originally posted by CASPER
Now that Malice broke up with me because he thinks im a bad influence trying to convince him not to kill himself, I can sit back and enjoy this like the TOTSE of olde.
Too many reasons for this. I just can't handle the chronic dysphoria, not simply depression, but the inverse of pleasure/euphoria, anhedonia, the multitude of effects from Asperger's, brain chronically feeling inflamed, inability to feel any form of connection to others, ideological groups, anything greater than myself. Then there's everything that's been going on in my mind, constantly ruminating, for over 14 years. Incredible lack of any feeling of belonging or human warmth, complete lack of any experience that feels meaningful (An absolutely alien extremely isolated life experience). My worldview and philosophical viewpoints worsen it, even though I consider them the greatest of truths. Things would have needed to have gone radically different for this to have turned out well.
That's just the nature of deterministic reality, some people are born into states and go down paths that lead to a point where life is unbearable. It's not even entirely about unhappiness.
This just isn't getting any better and I don't think there are any treatments available at this time that could give me a life I would consider worth living. I fucked myself up way to badly and I'm not entirely sure why, it could be neurological, but it's degenerative, has progressively gotten worse over the years.
Once the point is actually hear, I do feel a great fear of death, even though rationally I know there shouldn't be, and feel I don't actually want to die, but could have the resources to recover and pursue ideas for projects I have.
If anyone shows signs of having any form of autism, even high functioning with a high level of intelligence, get them serious help as soon as possible and as warm and loving an environment as possible, a strong sense of belonging and meaning. This outcome isn't uncommon with people with my disorder, you have no idea what a living hell it can become. I've been feeling like hell the vast majority of the time for probably 17 years now and it's never getting better. I really wish I had been born to educated affluent White parents with good genetics who could afford a neurologist to rule out whether there's something like severe inflammation or a tumor(s) that keep making this worse.
Everyone here can probably understand what it's like to experience intense psychological and physical suffering, everyone has a breaking point when it gets bad enough and never ends. I devoted years, countless daily hours of obsession over research, to make life bearable and attempt to recover enough.
You can at least have the empathy to realize that you have to be in unbearable suffering to actually be going through with this. -
2018-05-23 at 2:03 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
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2018-05-23 at 1:55 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
Originally posted by MORALLY SUPERIOR BEING I thought you were buying Nembutal? That phenobarbital doesn't look like it's age stabilised, you'd better inject it ASAP in case it goes off.
Nembutal is just what people commonly refer to various forms of pento. Those bottle last for years and can always be easily potentiated. -
2018-05-23 at 1:53 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
Originally posted by Da Leg Itches how did malice get it? off the deepweb?
i see clearnet sites for it too but its schedule II
Why? Do you want to join me? It wasn't hard to find. 8chan of all places has a suicide board, which I found after Sanctioned Suicide went down, and one of the stickies has a link to the Peacefull Pill eHandbook.
There are far cheaper ways to kill yourself, this is just the deluxe method. An overdose of a benzo and opioid is probably just as good.
Here's a simple idea for how you could even end with doing some good for the world: https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/W3XpQDTEkaPQAuvHz/really-extreme-altruism -
2018-05-23 at 1:10 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
It's nice to know you could go peacefully any day. There's no fear of pain or failure, it's exactly like falling asleep and never waking up again. The arguments even the vast majority of people to against suicide or to attribute a negative value to death are painfully moronic. -
2018-05-20 at 5:06 PM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.No, I'm still keeping the stack so I can decide to go at any moment.
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2018-05-20 at 7:49 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.I was planning on killing myself in a month or two. Actually, I had stated that I was uncertain and wanted to make a decision within that timeframe.
I could still change my my mind due to various aspects of life I immensely dislike, even if I feel happy. -
2018-05-20 at 12:46 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
Originally posted by Da Leg Itches actually you're just someone with a brain disorder who never has any hope of getting better no matter what precautions you take, and any momentary happiness you feel will lead to massively more suicidal urges and depression. you will die in a ditch unhappy with no one giving a fuck about you. do it for yourself already so i stop have to read the posts of someone with the brain structure of a cockroach
That's perfectly possible, but there's a higher chance this is true for you. -
2018-05-19 at 9:16 PM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.I hate the return of the feeling that you always need to be doing something productive. It reminds me of East Asians and jedis.
It feels like a form of slavery. -
2018-05-19 at 9:14 PM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
Originally posted by aldra my girlfriend did that; what a joke that option is
Which one? Delays for major depressive episodes? It's not a joke if you have serious bipolar swings. I'm just immoral, though, but it helps you get ahead effectively.
Originally posted by DietPiano In the workforce, employers will be more than happy to ignore deadlines to give you extra time to finish your work, and will let you come in a few hours late everyday or take a couple months off! (If you show that you're disabled)
What a crock. Explain to me how gaming the system at every turn along the way serves as an accurate predictor for whether or not one can make it post-academia
It's not a predictor, it's about maximizing GPA and time for other aspects that will increase your chance of transferring to the best university you can, then you still have GPA maximization. The return on investment over a lifetime is well worth it. -
2018-05-19 at 4:58 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.I'm also planning of registering for disabled students just to get extended test times, and possibly even the ability to have a delay granted if a major depressive episode arises.
It makes perfect sense to game the system as much as possible. -
2018-05-19 at 4:55 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
Originally posted by DietPiano Of course there's a pro-social effect. It's meth, that what it does.
You can't take it everyday and expect it not to quit working. Humans cannot replenish dopamine reserves at the rate that they are depleted with meth.
If you take it everyday the pro-social effect will wane and the side effects will become more and more bothersome.
Like I said, if you want to take something everyday that will for sure help with not feeling depressed (or more accurately, not feeling anything), you're looking at opioids.
What you're looking for is a reason to live. You won't find a reason in meth, ketamine, or whatever retarded scheme you come up with from reading chemical articles on wikipedia and pubmed.
Again, you've been at this shit for YEARS, Malice. How much better is your life now than is was 5 schemes ago?
Maybe if you've been sentenced to a work camp, you should pick up a shovel and do your time instead of spending the rest of your life looking for a hole in the fence.
I'm not saying they're the only factors improving me, and low doses of meth are beneficial and sustainable with a net positive impact.
I could still find I would prefer not to exist. -
2018-05-19 at 4:51 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.Taking summer and winter classes is such a rational option. Even if they're just bullshit classes, you can reduce the units taken during fall and spring by 5 if you take the max without petition. Frees up more time to focus on more difficult classes and eudaimonia. I don't care about the breaks, I don't feel I need them and I just become depressed when I have nothing to do.
It really should be easy, the critical variable is whether you bump up against severe deficiencies, which may be genetic, in conscientiousness, endurance for work, endurance of boredom for some classes, and cognitive ability.
If it doesn't work out I can simply peacefully pass away with the drug cocktail I chose. -
2018-05-18 at 4:58 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.I've really made a lot of positive and substantial developments ever since I started using therapeutic doses of meth (5-20mg). My details of the case study suggest it was very likely the meth, used sublingually, that led to this. There's even a form of a pro-social effect.
I don't want to report the details because they would be wasted in you and time could be better out to use. We'll see how this goes. I'd really like to see what effect racemic ketamine used for a depression regimen would have. -
2018-05-17 at 9:47 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
Originally posted by Lanny Would it be inappropriate to say "called it" right now?
Do you know anyone in SoCal that would be willing to administer MDMA psychotherapy? I can get my own MDMA and adjuncts, eve pay, but I like the idea of a grad student or even academic doing it simply to record the experience, to gain data, or simply out of curiosity, personal interest in the project. Of course this would be anonymous. -
2018-05-17 at 9:41 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.I could have a comfortable gap between the end of the spring semester and the beginning of summer intersession. Round trip tickets to SF with MegaBus are very cheap, around $25 often. They have an optional rooftop view from the double decker design, if you enjoy a higher view, wifi (cellular, spotty), outlets, laptop/work tables, and comfortable seats, although I'm not sure if there are any places you can recline without affecting anyone. Oh, fuck the autis.m, I'm not going to count and calculate the percentage. There are a fair number, and there's also this possibility combined with hyptnotics: https://www.amazon.com/Travelrest-Ultimate-Ergonomic-Adjustable-Wheelchairs/dp/B0787DH99J/ref=pd_sim_201_4?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=B0787DH99J&pd_rd_r=G6ZYDS431VKVT9JCJN67&pd_rd_w=mDqVX&pd_rd_wg=pvrev&psc=1&refRID=G6ZYDS431VKVT9JCJN67
I would just induce sleep. Then, after I arrive, take my revenge on Lanny. -
2018-05-17 at 5:45 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
Originally posted by TT.x1c how do you acquire ur meth
Methylamphetamine on Wall Street Market for the highest quality pure dextro. Honestly, I wonder if it could benefit from a bit more of an effect on NE, even for someone as sensitive as me. Many describe it as giving you that kick that really compels you to do things and be physically active. I wonder how half Adderall half d-meth would feel. -
2018-05-17 at 5:37 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.Low doses of meth may actually be healing me.
Fucking vendor cancelled my order for racemic ketamine. Well, I'm getting back into the maddo scientisto self-experimentation mood.
My mind is awakening, becoming active, emotions are reviving, ideas are returning.
Also, yeah, once I started getting closer to the end of the month I started chickening out/having second thoughts.
To be fair, it could be a shame to never really give life a full force shot. Due to the philosophical system I had developed I was actually consistently attempting to refute arguments for living. Also, I started playing Dark Souls, the experience augmented by meth, and deriving some joy from life. It's a lot harder to commit suicide when you aren't in a suicidal state.
Well, I had an unrealistic expectation of being able to wrap everything up and come to terms with it in such a short time. Honestly, it was likely mostly various profound forms of suffering. I can't know for certain what may have caused the sudden shift back toward attempting life.