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Posts by Malice
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2018-05-09 at 8:06 PM UTC in ATTN: MaliceNo, although withdrawing and detaching from others is a common sign that there's a high risk of it occurring. Give it a month or two, unless something radically changes.
Some good could come of my death as well: https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/W3XpQDTEkaPQAuvHz/really-extreme-altruism
Parents wouldn't get a penny of it. Main choices would be animals, AI (MIRI), or life extension (Aubrey De Grey). -
2018-05-05 at 7:12 PM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.I found this interesting, the average GPA by department at UC Berkeley: http://projects.dailycal.org/grades/
"Hard majors are hard?"
What was your cumulative GPA, Lanny? What classes had the worst impact on it? (Math?) -
2018-05-03 at 5:10 PM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
Originally posted by Zanick Yes on the income. I'm waiting on a background check for a job that looks promising, though, so that will change soon. Still, isn't it less effective outside of the context of an infusion? Or is this just something that clinics are saying so that people don't go thinking they can treat themselves?
I don’t see why. Well, my thought is that ketamine has traditionally come in liquid vials, which ensures sterility. It just makes sense that they wouldn’t use powder. I have heard talks about nasal sprays being available one day.
With sprays there would be liability from the potential for abuse, resale, and a lack of monitoring for adverse effects, particularly for something that is relatively new as a treatment for depression and hasn’t gone through the entire regulatory process.
The only benefit I can see is that there’s a steady dose over a prolonged period, although you could mimic this well enough by taking a booster later on. -
2018-05-03 at 5 PM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
Originally posted by MORALLY SUPERIOR BEING How many lines of code have you written?
You’ve asked me this multiple times and the answer is not a single one because I’m only taking general ed. classes right now. I was going to have to take an extra semester anyway due to what happened late last year and I didn’t want to bomb any difficult classes due to the severe issues I had.
There’s also a chance I’ll change majors (not to philosophy, it’s a terrible decision), but I need to ask some questions about what the realistic prospects are for careers and what the actual work is like. Basically I’m interested in furthering my knowledge of neuroscience (horrible major) and going into drug development, but there’s a good chance it’s just going to be miserable chemistry and lab work, while also being low paying. -
2018-05-03 at 4:47 PM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
Originally posted by Zanick I'm really glad you're trying the ketamine, Malice. You'll have to let me know how that goes. I've considered it before, but I lack the resources to set up a proper experiment.
What do you mean you lack the resources? Income? I sent PoC a sample years ago and he seemed to respond really well. Just chop it up (I’m buying a stainless steel mortar and pestle from amazon for this and to help make volumetric solutions (dissolves faster). -
2018-05-03 at 4:43 PM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.I’m still planning to commit suicide for a variety of reasons, we’ll just see how things progress. I shouldn’t be foolish enough to give in to the feeling that there’s no hope or that this is as good as it gets, it takes time to recover.
I don’t think I’ll ever change my mind about life being hell at its core, though. I just want this to end once and for all.
At the very least if I recover enough to have the energy and motivation I can go through with my idea for turning suicide into a project.
There’s only about a month left of this semester. Feels faster than I would have expected.
Originally posted by aldra how did you take it?
Orally. So far I don’t think I’ve had any trouble with sleep. -
2018-05-03 at 4:34 PM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.Last note: I’m giving ketamine another try for depression (I noticed an anti-anhedonic effect as well as an increase in motivation. Of course this is standard for depression, I’m simply saying that it didn’t just make me feel better).
Importantly, it turns out that racemic is actually superior for depression, and the alleviation lasts longer. I didn’t know this at the time I chose to use the s-isomer because the data simply wasn’t available, they were using it because it has less negative side effects and the duration is shorter. -
2018-05-03 at 4:23 PM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.I’ve found that if I combine cannabis with ashwagandha (ksm-66) and etizolam I don’t suffer the severe hypersensitivity and anxiety (not surprising), but the negative effects afterward as well. It’s the immense stress response, which may largely be triggered by elevated cortisol levels. I recall reading that as humans age the diurnal variation alters and levels simply remain high throughout the day, which could be a possible reason why older stoners report suddenly developing anxiety, even panic attacks, and no longer being able to use it.
Took 15mg of the highest quality d-meth this morning and feel quite a lot better. May need an even higher dose. It’s surprising how smooth it is, the lack of anxiety and peripheral stimulation. It’s not surprising considering it has a considerably lower effect on NE that even dexamp, and of course there’s the serotonin release which has an interesting pro-social effect. -
2018-05-01 at 12:14 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.I had my first proper edible yesterday. It was a lot nicer, especially the body high, but I ended up falling asleep. Definitely more psychedelic, but I think it was centered around death and the nature of reality/life.
I feel different today, as if it normalized my brain activity to a large extent and I just feel more normal.
And the world is still my idea of hell.
Picked to my pure d-meth and will begin trialing low doses starting tomorrow. I don’t expect it to work, though.
It feels odd to know you’re probably going, yet to have fully resigned to yourself. No desire for salvation, nothing left you want to do, no fear. -
2018-04-29 at 7:45 PM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
It's happening. You'll know who the guy is, commonly referred to as "A", if you look through the Peaceful Pill Handbook. Fortunately packages tend to arrive faster in SoCal. -
2018-04-28 at 3:31 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
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2018-04-28 at 12:43 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition."What's something you wish you were that you aren't right now?"
"Happy." -
2018-04-28 at 12:35 AM UTC in I haven't put on pants for 3 days...This reminds me of the long periods of time I spent wearing only a blanket toga in my apartment in Berkeley. I was also to spend a lot of time fully nude due to the weather.
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2018-04-27 at 11:12 PM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.A.utism is just this perpetual state of being profoundly locked in withdrawn, unable to connect with anyone, severe difficulty even communicating. It’s not a shell you can necessarily break out of because it’s neurological, not psychological.
This isn’t a life worth living. It’s akin to permanently feeling like you’re in solitary confinement regardless of who you’re around, how many people you’re around, where you are.
Maybe I should try MDMA. I would need something to counteract the effect on norepinephrine, though. I did notice some interesting pro-social effects. The depression afterwards was pretty severe, but this could potentiality be mitigated.
It’s extremely risky, though. It could psychologically destroy me, experiencing that for the first time, with the way I perceive reality, human life in particular. Having a profoundly positive experience, learning what I’ve been missing out on this entire time, then being thrust right back into this hell, could rapidly push me over the edge.
Oh, fuck this, why not just go straight to eternal peace. -
2018-04-27 at 7:56 PM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
Originally posted by Count_blah Ideally build a shack out in the woods and do your thing. You could experiment with various drugs on them etc. Pick up where Mengele left off.
I don't like being alive and I don't like being human. Why should that be seen as such a negative thing? I ascribe a negative value to life, therefore it permanently coming to an end is the greatest thing there is.
Deny your biological programming, see through the illusions, and move beyond life. -
2018-04-27 at 6:18 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.I'm feeling a fierce bout of depression. Something feels wrong. I feel like I'm trapped and need to escape as soon as possible.
Maybe it's just giving university a chance and confirming that there are likely no routes left to try, there's nothing in life for me, or, more accurately, that there's nothing I want in this world. Maybe it's the profound sense of unbreakable social isolation as well.
Kind of funny that one of the final determiners will be either meth or pentobarbital. -
2018-04-27 at 5:21 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.Fine, I’ll stop.
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2018-04-27 at 4:42 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.It’ll happen to you one day. Then you’ll understand.
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2018-04-27 at 12:51 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.Being alive is the stupidest thing there is. I hope meth actually makes me more motivated to actually go through with killing myself.
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2018-04-26 at 10:35 PM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.