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Posts by Malice
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2018-06-15 at 8:10 PM UTC in LaterThe bus is here.
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2018-06-15 at 1:18 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs Attention
Originally posted by Kinks Malice, I did the same thing to myself
I really doubt it was anywhere near as severe. It definitely could have been worse if I had been seriously abused, I likely wouldn't be alive right now, but I massively fucked myself up. Environment (school, city, family), genetics, psychology. -
2018-06-14 at 1:31 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs AttentionOh shit, I may have been on the verge of an eventual seizure and fortunately realized what the symptoms pointed to in time. I've been using a combo of gabapentin, memantine, excessive alcohol (huge perma/natural-tolerance), and etizolam to knock myself out at night due to residual meth in my system, despite only using 5-10mg in the morning, and high stress from finals. Autis.m can cause severe stress and anxiety levels.
Gonna have to wean myself off and take a break from meth. I should have ordered diclazepam in case this scenario occurred.
Originally posted by Kinks Malice, are you a virgin?
Never so much as held hands. It was done purposefully. At this point no one will likely ever fully understand why I drove myself to this level of isolation, if they cared. Lacked critical knowledge, made wrong choices, likely permanently fucked myself up. -
2018-06-13 at 8:30 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs Attention
Originally posted by Kinks Malice seems disinterested in sexual things. Lol
Seems to consistently cause increased anxiety, lowered mood, possibly even dysphoria. I don't know if actual sex would cause a different effect, but it's definitely reasonable to believe it could. I won't discuss my theory as to why this may occur because people are generally annoyed by it.
Right now I would definitely prefer to never have these urges. The relief of no longer having them seems far better than the pleasure received, at least for solo. -
2018-06-13 at 6:34 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs AttentionOh wait, the sleep deprivation and therapeutic meth use, all the work done for finals, along with the combo I used to knock myself out last night, are definitely doing something to me. I feel distinctly "slow" and I don't like it.
Probably still have processing speed issues, though. -
2018-06-13 at 6:02 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs AttentionI'm also worried that my life and chronic depression have had a very negative impact on processing speed and other important factors.
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2018-06-13 at 6:01 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs AttentionI had a somewhat amusing, although it can also be seen as depressing, dream last night after taking a double dose of ashwagandha, which seems to cause a significant testosterone boost. I was at some place and these 3 college age girls were showing very overt interest in me, which was massively turning me on. I had a huge erection I was unable to hide and there was this feeling which I can't remember the last time I've felt IRL, of actually wanting to have sex with someone in your vicinity and anticipating it. Then I actually started talking, including about my past, and they immediately lost all interest due to how obviously autistic and fucked up I am.
Other than the latter part it was enjoyable, experiencing what it's like to feel that way. I can understand why normal people are so influenced by sex, the effect it has on them. -
2018-06-13 at 5:04 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs Attention
Originally posted by NARCassist have you done acid before malice?
i watched another yt vid after that one where an autis.t dude did 700ug and he was well cool with it.
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Yeah, it was similar to catatonic schizophrenia. I don't seem to respond well to psychedelics in general, although I've had a few good trips on shrooms, but nothing life changing. -
2018-06-12 at 11:45 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs AttentionThe clearest example of anti-natalism in Buddhism I've ever seen.
Nanda, I do not extol the production of a new existence even a little bit;
nor do I extol the production of a new existence for even a moment.
Why? The production of a new existence is suffering. For example, even
a little [bit of ] vomit stinks. In the same way, Nanda, the production of a
new existence, even a little bit, even for a moment, is suffering. Therefore,
Nanda, whatever comprises birth, [namely] the arising of matter,
its subsistence, its growth, and its emergence, the arising, subsistence,
growth, and emergence of feeling, conceptualization, conditioning
forces, and consciousness, [all that] is suffering. Subsistence is illness.
Growth is old age and death. Therefore, Nanda, what contentment is
there for one who is in the mother’s womb wishing for existence?
Garbhavakranti Sutra
Originally posted by NARCassist mal, did you see my earlier post about microdosing lsd?
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Bad for me. It has schizomimetic effects. -
2018-06-12 at 11:12 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs Attention
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2018-06-12 at 11:10 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs AttentionYeah, my blog type posts really aren't worth reading.
There's a potentially promising side to this though. Since it's akin to muscular atrophy, having been so unaccustomed to so many aspects of school, coming in regularly even when you don't want to, interacting with peers, regular work, studying independently, conscientiousness, a lack of procrastination, dealing with stress from major projects etc. Eventually I may adapt, particularly with the possible increased plasticity the tism may give me.
It's nearly the inverse of the hiki lifestyle. If I could take a pill to prevent any negative effects from social isolation and that boosted mood and be in VR perpetually I sure as hell wouldn't be doing this. It conflicts with my philosophical viewpoints, though, because I don't see happiness as a sole reason to live to be valid. -
2018-06-12 at 10:58 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs AttentionIt'll be at the point where I figure out how I handle STEM classes that I'll decide whether to suicide.
Then again, with meth and caffeine autism memory may be augmented to the point where just reading some things once may be enough to remember them. Writing them down seems to take this to a higher level, just a few repetitions and kanji may be permanently ingrained.
There's no doubt it cures my ADD, but I can't handle this stress. If a benzo like anxiolytic without any of the negative effects were released, and some are in the pipeline, I could achieve an intellectual god mode. Still wouldn't fix how miserable I am inside, though. -
2018-06-12 at 10:47 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs AttentionAced the sociology final easily, did't even need the large index card we were allowed to use (front and back).
Finals are causing me extreme stress, which I don't handle well. The daily meth and caffeine use are playing a large factor, but there's no doubt they work. Not that confident in my Japanese skills. I'd be satisfied with a B because I think deserve it. If i hadn't missed all those classes due to going into suicide mode I may have still managed an A. It would make sense that language ability would be one of my weakest areas considering how little I've communicated throughout life.
The philosophy review was 40 pages long, way different than the mid-term, which I aced without any notes. This time I'm taking advantage of the full page front and back because many questions were about relatively minor things most people wouldn't remember. I'm going to use my system to add every one of them and ace it even if he decides to include that and make it an absurd length.
Japanese final tomorrow and philosophy the day after, both start at 7:30, which is lousy. I'm going to have to knock myself out in order to get enough sleep.
Don't procrastinate, if you have excess time actually study, even read ahead, don't let work pile up, take a stimulant if it's what you need to get out of bed instead of missing class. Obvious lessons. -
2018-06-11 at 7:20 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs AttentionSomeone should send you something lethal to prevent you from causing harm to others ever again. I will most likely be opting out of life soon, so I'm a proper position to state this.
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2018-06-11 at 6:32 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs AttentionNo one should send sploo free or discounted drugs. This act is an atrocity.
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2018-06-11 at 6:09 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs Attention
Originally posted by Glokula's Homabla take an opiate a benzo and a dissociative for healthier hangovers
you are the living end
T-PAIN only has significant effects on the u-opioid receptor at levels averaging above 100mg or so, IIRC. Memantine has strong neuroprotective properties and at therapeutic doses is more of a modulator of the NMDA receptor rather than simply a dissociative, preventing excessive levels of glutamate. The benzo prevents suffering analogous to the way tapering with suboxone is preferred to going cold turkey on opioids.
Originally posted by stare rape All that just for hangover treatment?
No, not hangover. It's for preventing the negative effects and strong rebound some experience. It makes the experience overall more enjoyable for those that don't tolerate alcohol particularly well. -
2018-06-11 at 6:05 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs AttentionI feel the urge to start playing Russian roulette with drugs and hope I simply don't wake up one time.
I actually don't feel that bad right now. Started watching this because I was looking for anime along the lines of Toradora, but the consensus seems to be that nothing quite beats it.
https://myanimelist.net/anime/14227/Tonari_no_Kaibutsu-kun
It's only a shame I didn't attain a state where I could write a treatise on why we should assign a negative value on the existence of life, address the problem of identity, and then speculate on AI and why we should not fear annihilation because there is no difference from assimilation and that ending all sentient life, ideally destroying all of reality, the very fabric of it, should be our ideal goal.
Fortunately I have no obligations and owe you nothing. There is no reward, punishment, or anything at all after death. I will be eternally free from harm, and that is all that concerns me. What happens afterward is of no concern to me right now. -
2018-06-11 at 5:57 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs AttentionAlcohol: Take memantine to deal with the rebound from NMDA and glutamate. T-PAIN for glutamate and "stress" related rebound effects. A benzo to prevent a harsh crash from the rapid rebound, you won't go into respiratory depression or choke on your vomit in your sleep unless you take an absurd amount.
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2018-06-11 at 3:57 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs Attention
Originally posted by Solstice Did you really get it from that "A" guy associated with the Peaceful Pill Handbook?
He is legitimate, and you can find many other people who will report the same here: http://sanctionedsuicide.net -
2018-06-11 at 3:03 AM UTC in LannyYou just hold shift while clicking the quote button.