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Posts by Malice
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2018-05-27 at 3:13 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs Attention
Originally posted by gumbo Lol of course you're taking Japanese.
Written Chinese is so hard it will never get to a level where you can really use it well.
Chinese could actually be highly valuable for some careers, but it simply cannot compete with glorious Nippon. You develop a much fuller appreciation of anime and manga. Japan is also a far superior nation. It’s most rational to study Japanese, from a level of pure rationality and lack of social bias. -
2018-05-27 at 2:14 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs AttentionMaybe taking drugs like cocaine, heroin, and especially MDMA actually be a good part of the solution for my depression by allowing me to experience a high level of happiness and related behavior (motivation, confidence) that hadn’t been felt for an unusually extended period of time (some people have periods like that that stretch decades, not a single instance) and experiencing things I had never experienced before, then remembering those feelings and the behaviours enacted them, having the memories to recall and the activation of the neural pathways to some degree in this manner, combined with a continuation of the behavior that produced happiness and other emotions while able to experience them. There’s some info about high doses of a dopamine agonist to relieve anhedonia. I would mostly stick to that and properly supplemented MDMA therapy.
If the utility gained by providing a government funded white loli outweighs the cost of it, should it be done? Oh, right, normal people would never approve it despite it being logical. Even most so called “utilitarians” don’t have a sufficient level of intellect and ability in logic and reasoning to see that this would exist.
The above was triggered by a white loli with a pressing voice who was in line behind me and that I noticed had cat ears on. -
2018-05-27 at 1:17 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs AttentionWe've gotten to the kanji section of Genki and I just realized that nakamoto, from Satoshi Nakamoto (Bitcoin), written with the kanji you learn from chapter 4 could be interpreted as "inside/within a book", which would make perfect sense.
The actual person probably isn't that interesting, but I wonder just how rich is he or may become. -
2018-05-27 at 12:08 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs AttentionLife is horrible when you can't enjoy a thing. Imagine if not even opioids worked for you and there weren't even people in your life.
It's like wanting to leave an unbearably empty room. -
2018-05-26 at 11:42 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs AttentionCasper, I need to find some volunteer work that gives me positive interaction with others and really makes a difference, or would just be a good experience for a depressed severely isolated autist. I know you've done volunteer work.
I really need to get out, connect with people, and do some good. I really do feel good when I help someone and can see that I'm helping them, that they appreciate it.
I don't like having nothing to do 3 days a week except homework/studying and being on a computer all day. This depression has been killing me for years. At least I'll be helping others, even if it doesn't cure me. -
2018-05-26 at 8:59 PM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.It's been about 4 hours since I took the racemic ketamine and I don't really feel like killing myself, but if this was a game I would still just turn it off and go to sleep forever.
The most effective thing for me would likely be TMS for depression and anxiety, but I'd need to find out what insurance my father has and whether I could get away with using it for myself. -
2018-05-26 at 7:09 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
Originally posted by DietPiano It's not annoying to me, it's frustrating that you refuse to listen and then go down an obsessive rabbit hole of terrible ideas.
For instance, let me ask you point blank again. Why don't you try opioids?
Nice try, Casper. You're not getting my NEETbucks.
Originally posted by HTS you vain hope is what causes you so much pain. your obsession with finding a solution to your problems is the root of all your suffering.
True, it's a great part of it. There's a teaching Buddhism that was well explained here, the parable of the two arrows. I recall ArmsMerchant espousing the same views when he made a post about slamming his finger in a car door.The buddha has another example called The Arrow. The buddha, the highest monks, and the most unaware person in the world walk into a bar. Someone shoots them all 3 in the leg with an arrow. They all feel the great and intense pain of the arrow in their leg, this is a physical and biological response which can't be helped. If you try to fight this, it will only make it worse generally.
But there's a second agony which can come after that, which is created by the mind. This is the traditional scripture which goes into a lot of detail on it, but the short version is that the secondary mental agony like "Ow, I'm gonna be hurt for weeks, I may lose my leg, I may bleed out here, why can't I stop this pain" is actually the person themselves shooting a second arrow into the same leg. The pain experienced from this mental processing is, imho much much worse than the pain actually experienced in the body.
It's really just a profoundly ingrained self-destructive habit, but I seem to gravitate towards self-destruction more strongly than anything. Why is it illogical or wrong to prefer non-existence to even the greatest eternal joy? What many people miss about The Myth of Sisyphus is that by it's logic you may as well decide whether to commit suicide by a coin toss.
Imagine it, that must be what death by barbiturates can be like in its final moments. Just fully letting go and feeling absolute peace. You finally escape the human predicament. -
2018-05-26 at 6:24 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
Originally posted by aldra for me it's more a sense of 'this ride is going nowhere, I want to get off'
Yeah, that was a major reason why I wanted to drop out and just wander into the wilderness where my body would ideally never be found. I just don’t see anything to look forward to, and realistically for the vast majority of people there’s just complacency, not breakthrough where they find happiness.
I’m going to research if there’s a way I can get transcranial magnetic stimulation. -
2018-05-26 at 5:34 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.I also returned a phone someone left on the bus, so at least a good deed may counteract annoying depression posting to some extent.
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2018-05-26 at 5:32 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.Does your life ever feel so empty and meaningless you just want to break down and cry? I was just walking to the post office looking at plants and it was just like, "What happened? The world didn't always feel like this?"
Fortunately I got my racemic ketamine and will be giving focalin XR a trial next week. Well see how well a regimen of dosing 50mg every other day six times works. I need to always keep a stash because of how extreme my depression can reach.
At the very least you may not have to put up with depression posting anymore. Unless it doesn't work for some reason, then unless I can get TMS or ECT I'm going to kill myself. -
2018-05-25 at 4:30 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
Originally posted by RisiR † Your life is fucking hollow because you don't give it any meaning by thinking how bad you got it. Over and over and over again. You have to break that cicle.
You think you know the fear of death but you actually fear life so much more. You contemplate suicide and lose yourself in the thought because it keeps away the thing you really fear. Life itself. I believe you are just as close to actually living as you are to death. Actually, you are just one fucking decision away from both.
Don't end something you haven't even started and fucking live you nigger.
There's just nothing I enjoy or see any meaning in. That's the problem. What am I supposed to do? I don't seem to derive anything positive from people and can't sustain relationships with them, and there's just nothing left. -
2018-05-25 at 4:27 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
Originally posted by Captain Malus why haven't you an-heroed yet? I can come to San Francisco and beat your dumb mugged mother fucking ass into a pulp, you shit eating faggot retard. You can try to mean mug me and aspie screech in an attempt at self defence.
I guess I wanted to give it one last chance with college, but the way I feel just doesn't change, it's getting worse.
It's extremely difficult and terrifying to go up against what we evolved to fear and avoid the most, death. -
2018-05-25 at 4:24 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
Originally posted by RisiR † I remember when you came from the ER with a mohawk and a smile on your face. Stop fucking torturing yourself by ruminating about how much you torture yourself and move on.
There have been times where you didn't feel that bad but you forgot about them. Move on. Don't drop out. You need to explore other ways of thinking because that is your biggest problem. You justify your suffering to yourself by the insane amount of research you have done but you fell for confirmation bias. Did you ever search for happiness? No. You just wanted to justify your suffering.
Be like §m£ÂgØL and play the ukulele for some geese or some shit like that. Stop doing what you are doing now and do the exact opposite. Don't kill yourself because you're afraid of being wrong.
No, I was wrong, there was no real breakthrough and it didn't last long at all. I was never even happy to begin with that time, the smile was just for the pic.
My standard life was just so horrible that being in the hospital having people talk to me and try to help me felt better than that. On the verge of a seizure from nearly killing myself with alcohol, IVs, ECG pads, having a guard watching over me at all times because I admitted I was suicidal.
It was just the lower level of suffering, being in a different environment, admitting I needed help, that made me feel better than normal, but I still felt terrible. It was only by comparison that it was better.
This is one of the worst and most meaningless lives I could have lead. At least if I was suffering for something greater, some goal, I could endure it, but it just drained the life out of me, robbed everything of all meaning. -
2018-05-25 at 4:16 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.It feels like autism and the life I had just robbed me of nearly everything that makes life worth living for normal people. There's no cure, it's just a matter of completely accepting the terrible state you're in. Nearly all I do is suffer largely because of the way I was born. My life feels completely hollow.
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2018-05-25 at 3:40 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.Feels terrifying when you're feeling so much dysphoria and other negative feelings and thoughts that you know it's pushing you to the edge and there's no one or nothing that will save you. I'm afraid of becoming weak when faced with death. I've been having thoughts that if I'd just had a loving family, been diagnosed and helped earlier, had a better environment, hadn't gone down this path of extreme isolation, alienation, and constant rumination, this could have been avoided.
Right now I feel that I don't want to die, but that going through life feeling like this is far worse. I don't even have anyone IRL that I can talk to. There's that feeling that I just want to be part of a loving family and have someone hold me. Going up against death feeling completely alone is a horrible burden.
I wish there could have been some form of genetic testing that would have allowed parents to know whether there was too high a chance of their child's life leading to intense suffering and have them aborted. It feels like I suffered for 28 years for nothing.
The thing I'm proudest of is that I never reproduced and perpetuated this cycle, especially with the increased chance of them being born autistic. This is a special kind of hell. I've mentioned that in the past there were multiple times when I was on the verge of calling 911 just from how unbearable the suffering felt. It just doesn't get better for some people who have genuine disabilities, disorders in their brain or lower body. At least I can die knowing that I'll never be responsible for having created a life that can suffer as I have. -
2018-05-24 at 9:46 PM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.Casper, I recall you just stopped responding to requests to meet up.
Sorry, I'm not going to live with treatment resistant chronic depression, low basal hedonic tone/anhedonia, dysphoria, autism and everything that comes with it, and my psyche for the rest of my natural life.
This has never gotten better, it keeps getting worse, and the logical thing to do is to opt out once you accept that there's not going to be a development that makes life worth living any time soon. I feel like dying every single day and have for years, and even before that I still had major depression and the vast array of issues autism causes.
It's pure cowardice to cling to a life like this simply due to a fear of death. I'm opting out of this fucked up existence. -
2018-05-24 at 3:25 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.The bias against suicide may not even be rationally defensible. I don't see suicide negatively and I think the rates would be higher with interventions I consider negative.
For males the rate just keeps going up as they age. Maybe it just wears you down after time and some people get worn down a lot faster? Why should people be expected to like life or the world around them? -
2018-05-24 at 3:09 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.I wonder what percentage of people have lives that, rationally, aren't worth living, but simply never reach the barrier that the fear of death causes, preventing them from committing suicide. There's a good amount of evidence that if various methods were more accessible suicide rates would be a lot higher. I really don't think life in any form is worth it for some people because of various aspects of their constitution, biological factors, make even a luxurious, renown, and highly accomplished life still insufficient to prevent suicidality.
People tend to have incredibly narrow minds. -
2018-05-24 at 1:22 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
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2018-05-24 at 1:05 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.