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Posts by Malice
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2018-06-11 at 3:02 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs Attention
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2018-06-10 at 11:44 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs AttentionI seem to become suicidal, then incredibly angry, every single time I use alcohol now. I think it just brings my true desires and emotions to the surface due to the lowered inhibition and slight dissociative effects.
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2018-06-10 at 11:43 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs AttentionCame across this while studying for sociology final (bullshit requirements): And when we consider children whose parents divorced and then remarried, the likelihood of their own divorce rises to 91 percent (Wolfinger 2005).
Damn, the chance of your own future marriage, if you enter into one, being fucked is amazingly high if you're in this category. -
2018-06-10 at 6:30 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs AttentionThe most childish action is to simply accept things as they appear and act in accordance.
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2018-06-10 at 5:39 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs AttentionMainländer
When the will to life is denied and all is viewed as objectively as possible the will to death always arises as the ultimate force. Maybe I should stop deceiving myself and embrace it without fear. -
2018-06-10 at 4:18 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs AttentionI'm thinking about going to a Universalist Unitarian church and Buddhist temple nearby to deal with various issues. Also completed the process for volunteering at an animal shelter, but I'll have to attend an orientation first.
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2018-06-10 at 1:05 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs Attention
Originally posted by Glokula's Homabla does anyone else have 3 emotions? high, bored, mental breakdown
Slightly happy/enjoying something (slightly), severely depressed/suicidal/unable to find meaning in life, various forms of psychological suffering, and anger, which is far less common and extreme than it used to be in the past.
My range of emotions is definitely restricted and blunted. -
2018-06-09 at 4:17 AM UTC in Anthony Bourdain hung himself in France
Originally posted by Ensign §m£ÂgØL Well it is pretty selfish considering he has a child who will now grow up without a father. I don't give a fuck about anyone else, but killing yourself while you have a child who loves and cares about you is probably the worst thing you could ever do to them. An 11 year old, no less. I can't imagine a much worse age. She's old enough to remember, yet young enough to not really understand or comprehend the full spectrum of what's going on.
It is, but I personally know life can reach a point where it's so unbearable suicide is effectively unavoidable. There's only so much humans can be expected to endure. Keep in mind that this level of suffering can occur simply due to genetic variation, not to mention things that happen in your life. -
2018-06-08 at 11:01 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs AttentionThis site has gone to absolute shit. Why do you even bother reading it? I don't understand what drives you to be here, you seem like the kind of person that should have left this place long ago because they found something better and never looked back.
I remember you mentioning that as a child your mother would ask you if you were lonely and saying you never felt a natural desire to be around others, which may have just been because your social needs were met easily enough, other factors prevented you from lapsing into the range of severe depression.
And that post where you tried MXE and said that you had never felt like you cared about anything less than you did during that experience, even recommending it for people that were terminally ill. Something along those lines.
Well, I won't go on. -
2018-06-08 at 10:55 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs AttentionYeah, exactly. There was this close-knit message board that shut down years ago, The Revolt Press, run by Xannex, a TOTSE member. I realized long ago that losing the only real sense of community I had was where things really started to fall apart.
It's really sad. I seem to have no natural desire for other people, don't receive the same positive response, negative aspects of life and responses are greatly amplified, and I still suffer the effects of severe isolation and alienation.
Genes, environment, psychology. Everything went wrong to such an extreme degree and prolonged period of time. I thought myself to death. -
2018-06-08 at 10:40 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs AttentionI may actually be a case where I'm just too far gone or practically received a death sentence at birth. I really don't know if I can ever break out of this chronic severe depression and emotional dearth. There are just so many factors and things that went wrong in my life that I've obsessively researched and ruminated over, accepted in an inhumanly detached and impartial manner. It's to the extent that it can't be be properly communicated even if I wanted to.
Goddamn, this life and genetic inheritance were just fucking horrible, regardless of how much blame is my own. I really fucked myself up.
Without any of the things that naturally drive people to continue to live I don't think I can function and endure this. Some people really are in a state where suicide is understandable, and a compassionate response wouldn't condemn it or see it as negative outcome relative to the alternative. -
2018-06-08 at 10:30 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs AttentionComplete shutdown and loss of desire to even communicate with others. It's a recurrent problem.
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2018-06-08 at 10:21 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs Attention
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2018-06-08 at 4:28 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs AttentionToday I used pot and it seems that lately once a week has become the norm. Sensory hypersensitivity is back to sub 10mg levels. I wish I had weighed out how much I used today. By dosing such as absurd nootropic stack, using an accurate microgram scale every single day for such an absurd amount of substances, I developed the ability to generally tell by how much was in the microscoop, for everything, to a level of accuracy that was usually spot on most of the time or within 2 milligrams. I called it "the human scale".
It would have had some use if I wasn't so methodical and had stopped using a microgram scale so consistently. The regimen was like a ritual.
Tomorrow I take my weekly dose of intranasal ketamine.
Right now life still does not feel worth living, but every day regular dosing of methamphetamine, caffeine, and even fasoracetam for the last few days, has taxed my hiki atrophied body. I mean, considering everything in my past, it does seem you may be irrationally depressed if you don't see the very significant possibility that from going full hiki and literally never speaking to one for practically 14 years, with full isolation from barely even being around humans lasted about the last 5. I'm fully cognizant of just how many aspects of my life profoundly fucked me up. The full understanding of the situation is far greater than normal due to a variety of factors. There's a very real chance this could have caused permanent damage in some ways that and that the reality of the underlying conditions, such as autism and possibly chronic depression, reaching mild at most (dysthymia). I seem to derive very little pleasure from being alive and the shift in my mentality is...very different than the norm. There's also the anhedonia, worldview, and countless other factors that really may either never be resolved or take a very long time and large amount of effort to, and that may simply be to try to get near normal human levels.
Did anyone ever hear about Mitchell Heisman, a 35 year old Harvard philosophy graduate student who published an enormous 1,904 page manifesto and his motivation, which was due to his philosophical beliefs?
http://archive.boston.com/news/local/massachusetts/articles/2010/09/27/book_details_motives_for_suicide_at_harvard/
He self-diagnosed himself with Asperger's and there can be a very strange diversion in thought that can make people commit acts like this because they genuinely made a rational decision. I completely understand how someone's mentality could develop that they commit suicide primarily due to their philosophical viewpoints and how their mind developed from the combination of an unusually high level of intelligence, knowledge, and time spent thinking. Imagine how much time a complete lack of relationships leaves for reading and unusually long amounts of time spent ruminating, with a thinking style that can reach levels at the extreme end of systemizing ability, lack of emotion, complete lack of influence by things people are normally negatively influenced by, and extreme level of detachment from the world around you.
There's this very eerie lack of humanity that can develop to the point where people seem robotic, and I'm definitely around that end. It's like life is more of a machine to run and optimize to fulfill an ideology tethering you to this world, if you have one, rather than actually living it and doing so to attain happiness for the sake of happiness. Recall that I genuinely accepted the positive and critical effects of social relations/activity and instead tried to replace them with a drug/nootropic/supplement regimen combined with other things so that I would never have to interact again. Unfortunately I don't seem t have the genetic affinity for it and still suffer immense damage from this level of isolation and alienation, yet genuinely feel no natural desire for any form of social interaction or relationships and am borderline asexual. It's like other people don't really exist in my world. -
2018-06-08 at 2:08 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs AttentionI wonder how my brain will adapt to low dose meth and actual regular hard work. Fortunately autists have brains with unusual plasticity and this may be retained into adulthood.
Right now I definitely couldn't keep it up without burning out. Fucked things up a lot, though, so I had to rush and get a ton of work done within the last two weeks. -
2018-06-08 at 2:04 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs Attention
Originally posted by aldra I feel like I can think clearer when I'm sad, just as long as it doesn't come from anxiety
Depressive realism.
This finding: https://www.popsci.com/science/article/2012-11/humans-cant-be-empathetic-and-logical-same-time
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0149763415000287
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2018-06-08 at 2:01 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs AttentionI'm going to see how hard it would be to double major in philosophy as a backup plan. A lot of the required classes also fulfill UC requirements, so there's some overlap.
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2018-06-07 at 6:22 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs AttentionTook 8mg Prazosin. Want to see how it interacts with residual meth in my system. May not have worked as plan, but I'm uncertain. I either very rarely either have dreams or remember dreaming, but hopefully I'll get the cool effect it can have on them. It's possible I may suddenly pass out.
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2018-06-07 at 5:50 AM UTC in When will you retire?
Originally posted by Lanny I did a calculator thing and it suggested 45, which doesn't seem bad although I feel like the estimates of income growth and income requirement in retirement doesn't make a ton of sense. Like I realize it's a rule of thumb but I could easily get by on 80% of my paycheck today, 80% of estimated last year of work seems like a ton. Spending tends to goes up with income and all I guess but I'd like to think I have the restraint to not spend more money just because I have it.
Like if you play with the numbers and increase you income but no other figure it estimates you'll have less money in retirement.
Lanny, go into academia if you have the opportunity. No, actually, it would likely be so far from the ideal it wouldn't even be worth doing. If it doesn't already exist, there should be groups for people with enough time and money in their hands, along with the capacity and knowledge, to pursue private research. -
2018-06-07 at 5:45 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs Attention
Originally posted by D4NG0 I swear you have posted this verbatim at least 50 times now.
Just ordered around $500 worth of clothes. It'll probably take like a month to actually get them, but they're really cool pieces.
3 in particular haven't been reviewed on r/DesignerReps, so I'm excited to be breaking into new territory and possibly finding gold.