User Controls
Posts by Malice
-
2018-06-07 at 1:10 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs AttentionAlso need to order some nice clothes and start dressing well. I understood the importance of it long ago. Wide variety of positive effects if I want to give being social a try.
-
2018-06-07 at 1:08 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs AttentionAnd the high dose fentanyl patch, the final piece of the perfect death, has been ordered. My Zofran and Metoclopramide have arrived. The latter comes with the pentobarbital, but the Peaceful Pill Handbook recommends both if available for an even stronger anti-emetic effect mediated via a different mechanism. I also ordered some packs of Prazosin to trial to reduce anxiety and some of the negative effects of stimulants related to norepinephrine (even on low dose pure d-meth I can still feel paranoia has increased noticeably, although it's mild and isn't constant, just a mild feeling like anxiety and more likely to be triggered, as well as baseline anxiety.). One of those packs is reserved for the perfect death collection to prevent the fear response from the survival instinct.
Also ordered more ketamine and I may just manage to pull off straight A's, despite a really rough start and a massive depressive episode fucking things up a bit, so right now it's just in case something pushes me to that, and I don't know what it could be in the future. It's nice to know you have the best death available in case you're ever in unbearable suffering that can't be resolved.
I could actually be a good student and pull of a 4.0. The only thing I see standing in my way is how much I fucking hate math and that I likely won't enjoy programming, but view it as a trade that could pay very well even part time (My ideal would be 6 hours a day 5 days a week). I've been going to the math lab where you can use their computers (you can do it on your own computer, but have to log 25 hours there) to try to test out as far as I can when I take the assessment again before the fall semester begins. It's actually not that bad, the ALEKS program is pretty much my ideal method of learning math and it's a lot more efficient. I wouldn't say I particularly dislike it, I can see how some people find it fun getting lost in working out logic puzzles. If I could master enough trigonometry during that time, going straight into calculus would be fantastic. I want to take as little math as possible. Taking advantage of the extended testing time I could receive would increase my chances even higher. Even just by learning to guess well you may be able to pull off a 1/3 chance of passing, although that would be a terrible idea because you'd crash hard. -
2018-06-06 at 6:12 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs AttentionAnd to think that so many people exert even more effort than this at least 5 days a week.
It simply is not in my constitution. Regardless, I do not believe those people likely have lives that are worth living. -
2018-06-06 at 6:10 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs Attention
Originally posted by mashlehash Dude, I have amazing stories from my experiences of hospitals and mental wards within hospitals.
Oh yeah, and it's sooo hard to believe I was psychologically abused by 3 of the staff and then nearly had my thumbs broken and was abused afterward when I tried to make a run for it and grappled with them. (Due to full blown PTSD, panic, and fear of systemic abuse since they just let it happen the first time and no one really seemed to care.) -
2018-06-06 at 1:27 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs AttentionJesus, I can really understand why people like a drink after work now that I'm finally putting in real effort during finals. Also taught me the value of avoiding procrastination and letting work pile up.
Won't drink, though, because I want to go keto. -
2018-06-05 at 3:37 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs Attention
-
2018-06-05 at 6:19 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs Attention
Originally posted by CASPER Stop harshing my mellow, faggot.
I feel like drugs are a wishy washy way to commit suicide. They can reverse opioids, resuscitate you mechanically if need be. Just a lot of variables. Gun- you're done. They're not going to be able to glue parts of brain matter back together. But most people don't like that mental image of themselves.
No mess or grotesque traumatizing image left behind (Although you could avoid this. Some people recommend simply wrapping your head in a thick blanket or something, and you could ever put yourself in a body bag). There's also the natural fear response. Incredibly loud, knowing, being able to visualize, what it does to your body. Yeah, it's over before you can feel anything if done right. The impulsiveness is a negative factor for me, though. I want to be absolutely certain about it.
Originally posted by CASPER At least be like the Norwegian (?) dude in The Sound of Insects (?) who starved himself to death in a tent in the forest. After a little over a month, he realized he wanted to live, but he was so deteriorated and mentally fucked that he couldn't even lift his body anymore,. He kept a journal of the whole process. Really fucking depressing, but interesting. Figured I'd return the favor.
That sounds fascinating. I thought of doing the exact same thing. A test of my resolve, total renunciation, and the possibility of attaining critical insights after spending such a prolonged period in meditation, having fully accepted death. Schopenhauer claimed that this was the one form of suicide he respected, although I believe his views were flawed. I won't discuss it, I doubt anyone else here is interested, except maybe RisiR. If you don't wish for a better life, for less suffering, but simply deny the will to live and choose to return to the void, then why not avoid all the pain and wait and do it as efficiently as possible? -
2018-06-05 at 6:12 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs Attention
Originally posted by CASPER I was gonna say- sounds like there's plenty of jerkin going on.
Le petite mort.
Quite honestly, I masturbated a few days ago for the first time in some time, then tried again the next day to see the effects, and this phrase was what immediately came to mind upon orgasm. Something feels wrong with it.
I have an evolutionary theory as to why this and premature ejaculation (I really doubt human beings evolved to naturally last very long to begin with.) occur, why nofap can have positive effects, and the biological correlations, such as the effect serotonin has.
Basically for the beta male the rare chance of reproduction, rape being far more prolific throughout our species' history, likely came with increased danger from beta males, those that had some attraction to or were in an ongoing relation with the female, or simply the tribe if it was through rape. Low status may be correlated with low serotonin, makes sense to ejaculate as soon as possible, as pair bonding isn't prioritized. This can lead to the post-orgasm anxiety, possibly mediated by prolactin and possibly other neurological modulations, along with a drop in testosterone levels and all the effects that has. To a certain point, AFAIK, it does seem established that testosterone levels rise if you refrain from masturbation/orgasm. I don't know if they've studied whether the effect varies if the orgasm was attained by masturbation or sex. -
2018-06-05 at 6:04 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs AttentionSo much to ponder and read. The only reason I see to stay alive is to attain certainty if there's a reason to continue living. I feel confident that there isn't and that there's no difference between assimilation and annihilation by an artificial intelligence, that human morality will not stand up to scrutiny, we have no moral obligations, and that to die as soon as possible is best from an individual point of view.
“Hell is truth seen too late.” - Hobbes
“It is not worth the bother of killing yourself, since you always kill yourself too late.” - Cioran
Mystery. Another way to put it, as a reason to live. I am entirely disillusioned and unenamored with this world, the banality of it, the human condition and its nature, biological reality, and how things move at snail's pace. I want to meet extraterrestrials and ask them the one question that I believe would be worth asking, "Why do you continue to live?"
Maybe one day I'll regain some of my old self and continue my self-experimentation, since I have so little regard for my life, such a strong death drive. -
2018-06-05 at 5:44 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs AttentionI'm about to have almost everything I need for the perfect suicide. The only thing left that hasn't been ordered and won't soon be arriving is a fentanyl patch.
I'm not saying it's decisive, it's just nice to have the option. I don't like guns for suicide and can't legally own them for like 4-1/2 years anyway. Combining a huge dose of flubromazolam with a very strong fentanyl patch could be just as good, but I'm not certain if the CNS depression is enough compared to barbiturates, whether there are any critical differences that could lead to some form of suffering. I should really research this and ask. -
2018-06-05 at 5:31 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs AttentionPeople who don't use amphetamines, methylphenidates, or at the very least afinils during finals period are either genetically blessed or fucking suckers. Meth makes it so easy.
-
2018-06-04 at 9:45 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs Attention
-
2018-06-04 at 7:31 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs Attention
Originally posted by DietPiano This is the most pretentious thing I've ever read.
"Hi, I'm Malice and I know what other people feel because I'm omniscient and speak for the entire human race."
Fyi, people in 3rd world countries who have nothing are some of the happiest people on earth. They love life and being alive far more than most uf us who have, comparatively speaking, everything.
And for your stautistical pleasure, 3rd world countries by and large have very low suicide rates, whereas developed countries have far higher rates and 2nd world countries (former USSR, communist countries, etc.) have the highest. Hell, South Korea is #2.
Completely missed the point in that I do not accept the validity of happiness or the pursuit of it as a sole reason to continue to exist. -
2018-06-04 at 7:28 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs Attention
-
2018-06-04 at 7:26 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs Attention
Originally posted by RisiR † Hey, Malice, you should post your bodybuilding-days picture and get some egoboostin from the ladies here. You must have super low Test right now.
That was one of the possibilities I considered for what triggered depression. Once the PTSD (There's evidence it significantly raises test, and I noticed symptoms that definitely align with this) began to go away, particularly with the help of benzos, it may have plummeted, along with the pain of PTSD no longer being the main focus, but the much worse issues related to depression (weltschmerz) taking top priority and leading to a return of a downward cycle. -
2018-06-04 at 7:19 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs Attention
Originally posted by CASPER A cursory read of that thing seems like earlier death to avoid pain is preferable. It seems to account for a normal human life with generalized milestones for pain and pleasure events. They don't take into account someone otherwise healthy and fit in mind and body, whose pain is almost entirely self imposed, and a result of unwillingness or fear of taking part. And if you were to actually to apply yourself to something, you might find a joy in service and usefulness. Not to mention the amount of attention, money, effort that went into growing you to your current state.
Ugh. This is so fucking tedious. Lol. At this point it seems like a rhetorical argument more than anything.
You won't understand the argument.
It's also not entirely self-inflected since I was suffering greatly before all this happened due to various factors (Not the life I needed, autism and related problems such as chronic depression that's mild at least, low basal hedonic tone (how well you feel in a neutral state), and low hedonic response (how much pleasure/positive emotion you receive.).
There's going to be a gap between the end of the spring semester and the beginning of summer. I'll tell you what, I'll take you up on your offer to show me a day that demonstrates the things in life I've missed out on which may make it bearable/worth living. Not worth living because I'm happy, but because the lifestyle change makes life feel bearable enough.
I feel self conscious because I don't have any nice clothes, though, due to losing everything due to that series of events that gang member started. -
2018-06-04 at 7:23 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs AttentionCompletely missing the point. I do not see happiness as a sole reason to live that stands up to scrutiny.
I'm thinking of leaving a sign that says, "So long, suckers!" to get the point across. It reminds me of this description of the standard life I read:
People are expected to pretend that they have kids or a kid because they love kids or something of that sort. In reality most of the cases it is a way to deal with aging and light depression and general aimlessness of life. But it is one of the things you can't say.
By light depression I mean not really having any goals in life. I find it actually normal, but I know in an American context that counts as light depression. But basically I mean being a normal kid who did what he was told, schoolwork, etc. and then the rest of the time enjoyed standard entertainment like videogames. And then a young adult, who did what he was told, like working a job, and then enjoyed standard entertainment, like going out to bars.
And seriously I think does not work past 30. You just get too old or too fat or all the accumulated toxins of 3AM kebabs or whatever, but most people want to slow down and get off the party train around 30.
At that point, if you have no personal goals, you just do what you are told and consume standardly offered entertainment (normal thing in Central Europe, probably counts as light depression in America, living without any dream), what is there for you? Work a job go home watch TV? Getting older and sicker every year? At that point you either really find a hobby, passion or dream, a reason to live - I find it unlikely - or it is straight down to crisis.
Or you can just start a family. At least that is the default, standard, socially respectable thing to do, it both helps your self-esteem (parents are respected people) and basically you can just delegate the job of finding a meaning in life to your kids. Find a 30 years old woman who is "ready to settle now with a nice guy", don't enquire too much about how many sexy bad-boy penis was inside her, marry, have a kid, after that sex life will likely stop so having a second kid is less likely, and you both will find the first 2-3 years so annoying that you don't want another anyway. Having kids for this reason not for actually liking kids likely contributes a lot to low birth rates here.
After around 3 years or so the kid stops being high maintenance. You give her a plate of whatever food you are eating and tell her to eat it up or stay hungry, you can play games that are actually fun like shooting each other with nerf stuff, and you can just tell them to go play alone or the neighbor kids because you want to play videogames or watch TV.
In many ways, the "beta" father is a similar loser as the the "beta" 4chan forevervirgin, but still has a better life. Having a family is some kind of a purpose. Having a wife and having reproduced is no longer utter sexual loserdom. Sex likely stopped and she gets her kicks from chocolate and romantic novels and you are not even sure you want to sex up her now obese body anyway, but at least you get kisses and kindness and homecooked food. You can play your videogames or fuck around on 4chan but you can also play a round of shooting nerf with the kid or chat a bit with your wife with wine. It is an improved way to live a loser pointless lightly depressed life certainly.
This is good advice, at least if you lack the strength to actually turn your life around (likely because you have no special desires other than just having okay jobs and entertainment), but it is something very hard to talk about as it sounds so low status.
---
Suicide should be far more common than it currently is and not seen as something negative. There are many thought experiments you can create to demonstrate that happiness alone is not a sufficient reason to live for people who accept certain viewpoints. What if you were born a biological carnivore in an era without artificial meat or any viable alternative and wanted to end your life simply due to the immense suffering and death you would cause throughout your life. -
2018-06-04 at 7:13 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs Attention
Originally posted by CASPER Idk man. Today was a gorgeous day in LA. If you can't just step outside on a day like today and feel the sun on your face, and smell a barbecue and fresh cut grass on the air, and feel the life all around you and just feel grateful for that little moment- that little snippet of experience- I don't know what to tell you. As long as you perpetuate negative emotions, your experience will be negative. As soon as you make the choice to be proactive and hopeful, you'll begin to experience a change. Or hell maybe your right and you simply don't have the neurotransmitters to experience happiness, joy, empathy, wonder, love, anticipation, wanderlust, etc. you've never been happy right? in which case do as you will.
It's not about happiness. There are rational reasons to commit suicide even if you are genuinely happy.
And I don't think the world has ever felt the way you describe it, CASPER. You know the suicide rate among people with high functioning forms of autism is one of the highest among any disorder, even among children? Being comorbid with depression and anxiety multiply that risk, which I've had lifelong problems with.
It probably is neurologically based, but I need to be clear when I say that even if I was a very happy reclusive monk in a third world country I would still see reasons to commit suicide regardless of whether you are happy. It is completely absurd to assume that suicide is not rationally justifiable. Here's a paper on it that no one will read: http://jiwoonhwang.org/pro-mortalism/
It's like attempting to solve and equation. If the solution is suicide, it should be accepted without fear. -
2018-06-04 at 7:06 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs AttentionIt's like heroin. People suffer so much, sacrifice their ideals, modulate critical aspects of their identity, sell their freedom,, put in so much soul crushing effort, for the chance something so fleeting, and as the years go by the novelty lessens, the pains of a physical body increase, constant changes on a downward trajectory.
Happiness is like a drug that keeps you tethered to the cycle of samsara. -
2018-06-04 at 2:22 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs Attention
Originally posted by Ensign §m£ÂgØL Speaking of which, I'm so fucking happy right now. Just applied for my chinese visa. Got my backpack i'll be hitchhiking with yesterday. Promotion/raise at work too, start doing that Tuesday.
Life is pretty fucking awesome when you're actually doing shit. Sitting around and rotting just leads to depression. Can't believe I lived like that for so long.
Seriously Malice, just go out and do shit. There's really no drug or workout regimen that can replace living an active, goal oriented existence. This last year has probably been the best time of my life because of it.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pollyanna_principle
I really doubt you're particularly happy the vast majority of the time. At best people achieve a fairly mild feeling of contentedness or hygge: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hygge
But strong feelings tend to be rare.
Do you really generally enjoy school, work, maintaining your body, chores etc.?
It's very possible that never seeing positive role models for a fulfilling life profoundly messed me up, but what exactly do you do that makes life worth living?
I simply see no meaning in this and greatly dislike the endless striving toward happiness.
- Humans want things
- “Suffering” is when humans want what they don’t have
- Therefore, wanting creates suffering
- “Happiness” is when we get what we want
- We tend to swing back toward boredom or even pain due to the hedonic treadmill
- We’ll always want something, even after we get it
- Therefore, we can never be truly happy
I also seem to derive much less pleasure from life than normal, with my baseline state containing more suffering. The positive aspects of life are lower while the negative are amplified.
I simply see this as the world's greatest fool's errand.