I'm doing it for a wide variety of reasons. Even if I was happy and enjoying life I would still prefer to cease to exist. I would choose to continue to exist in order to alleviate the suffering of others and help end sentient existence as we know it, but I was unfortunate enough to be born into a crippled body that puts me in a state of near constant suffering and hardship.
Those aren't the only reasons, but I just can't take it anymore. I've had enough and I feel confident that this will never get much better. Based on my entire life it's clear that I just don't have the potential to fulfill any lofty goals. Even if things were different, life would still be a burden to bear. I'm simply choosing to check out early.
Well, online, maybe. The whole cat fucker micropenis thing was funny for a while, but then it became incredibly overplayed and annoying. It depends.
Who likes writing something and just having it ignored by everyone, not getting any responses?
It's going to be fun seeing the impact on how others perceive me and behave around me. I'm going to get benzo'd out before the next Japanese class so I can be uninhibited and just chill right through it. I already stood out and came across as intimidating and strange before this. I wore sunglasses in class the first day just to manage my anxiety and autism.
I know what you're getting at. I'm not writing about suicide to simply to get attention, I'm not a fucking teenage drama queen. I'm definitely not going to mention suicide or anything else that could get me in trouble in my other assignments.
I still possess some human qualities. It's like being excited to finally be travelling somewhere you wanted to go, do something you've always wanted to do, or having something really good happen to you. You just want to tell other people. I don't want to be stopped or "helped", I'm just happy that this is finally going to be over.
Fuck yeah, etizolam (and flubromazolam, but that's only for the suicide cocktail) is here! I'm getting tizzed out tonight. Sweet sweet relief of this torment, finally! A.utism (Damnation Lannafred!), PTSD, and chronic anxiety cause me to perpetually be in the negative hedonic range. A constant state of at least mild suffering.
Who knows, maybe it will just allow me to recover and I'll change my mind. Even if you're an addict/dependent, at least you're alive.
Heh, the cops came and got me during Japanese class due to 2 things I had written in my freshman composition class. Mentioned suicide twice, as well as my philosophical views in another paper, and dropped the class yesterday. Teacher reported it. On my last paper when I mentioned being severely depressed and suicidal she wrote that this was the second time I had mentioned it and that she was concerned. I knew she might think I was about to off myself if I dropped the class soon after that.
Honestly, I wasn't foolish enough to think there would be no risk, just foolhardy. I have a bad habit of stirring up trouble because the monotony and drudgery of everyday life becomes unbearable. I also don't like censoring myself and am accustomed to communicating almost exclusively in no-holds-barred domains where you can post almost anything.
Talked my way out of it pretty easily. Really wasn't that big a deal.
Do you remember the guy that reached out to me in my Japanese class after he saw my wallpaper of Sagiri from Eromanga Sensei? He had been asking if I was okay before this happened. After it was over I sent him I text saying I was going to leave the country tonight, to say goodbye to everyone for me, and thanked him for reaching out to a former hikikomori. He seems to have bought it and I've just been ignoring all his texts and calls. It's going to be really funny when I show up next class as if nothing happened.
Originally posted by Fox Paws
Malice just so you know I sent an abridged compilation of your posts and several pics of your face to your local law enforcement office and warned them that you seem to be capable of carrying out a school shooting in the very near future.
I’m not going to kill anyone except myself. I will not risk having a miserable death or ending up in jail for the rest of my life. Fuck that.
Originally posted by gumbo
Malice, you're better off killing yourself. I think you should do it. Nobody would miss you and you're pretty worthless to society anyway.
^Is that what you want to hear?
Or do you want us all to tell you NOT to do it, because you like the attention? I'm not saying that's a bad thing. Lots of people do the same for attention seeking purposes. It is a cry for help. But the vast majority of successful suicides are not planned so meticulously as you are planning yours. Statistically, you will probably not do it. Why do you think you are any different from the millions who plan their suicides out every day and don't go through with it?
Only 0.03% of suicide attempts are both planned and successful.
Fuck no, nigga. You should know me well enough by now to know that I'm not that kind of person.
I'll be part of the top .03%. It evokes the feeling of success, although there's no longer any need to compare myself to others as if this is some sort of competition (for mates and resources).
It probably won't be for 2 months anyway. Not much point in dwelling on it. We're only in the initial phase.
Originally posted by Enter
If you kill yourself, they've won. Society has done nothing but constantly brainwash the human into disrespecting themselves and wanting to commit suicide. People may not literally kill themselves, but they subconsciously want to die through drinking alcohol, doing drugs, etc. Don't let them win, Malice.
That's not true. It's context independent. I have a problem with sentient existence itself.
What if it's the opposite, and societal forces attempting to convince you to continue playing the game of life, to love it, and you giving in, believing it, is how they win?
In the game of life the winning move is to not play.
I want to get some meth now to go with the etizolam I ordered and document the entire process, my thoughts. My final project. Maybe I'll even take requests for what to do before leaving.
Serious questions, Lanny, simply out of curiosity.
Have you ever been profoundly suicidal, as in you were seriously contemplating the option for a prolonged period of time?
Would you say that up until this point your life has been "worth it"? That it was worth all the suffering and hardship, or would you prefer never to have been if this is as good as it gets?
Even if you retire early, do you feel there's a very high chance you're simply going to end up empty and disillusioned, severely depressed?
How is that edgy? It's just me saying, earnestly, that I don't give a fuck. I don't care what happens after I pass.
Can't you relate to how liberating that must be?
Do you want to better the world? Make a difference? Improve the lives of others? Alleviate suffering?
Are you worried about where your life is headed and whether you're doing the right thing?
Well tough luck, you're on your own.
Suicide is a triumph. You're going against the strongest forces of this biological prison, embracing ideas that the vast majority are terrified to discuss, to even delve into to any considerable depth in the privacy of their own mind, concepts that your body naturally responds to by screaming that it cannot be so.
The strongest act of devotion to your ideals is sacrificing yourself for them. I choose truth, and the truth is death.
Originally posted by Zanick
You can still probably get back in if you tell your teachers what's going on. I think you'd be surprised by their kindness. If not, a true bodhisattva would probably suicide by letting a bear eat him in a national park rather than overdosing on drugs where it won't do anybody good.
I actually had a sudden mood elevation before making this decision. Although I'm not ecstatic, but probably above the median basal hedonic tone right now, particularly compared to people working a job they don't enjoy or watching television, the standard drudgery of everyday life.
It's something I realized some time ago. It doesn't matter how happy I feel. It's never going to be enough and life will always be irredeemable. It's what few are able to understand, and most refuse to understand. Suicide can have nothing to do with depression and it can be a perfectly rational decision. I made a vow that regardless of how happy I felt at any moment, regardless of what I was experiencing, I would still prefer never to have been. Not for a moment have I wavered.
Happiness simply puts me in a more motivated and capable state because there's a multitude of evidence that for a long time what I've truly desired at my core was cessation, the annihilation of the self. This is my liberation.
Their teachings were incomplete. You can go beyond what they ascertained.
Make the choice to be evil.
I no longer have any desire to attempt to have others understand my views. Yes, I am communicating right now, but for different reasons. It's merely passing the time.
I want my final months to be as comfortable, free from suffering, as possible.
At the end everyone's life, if they're aware of what will soon come, they have to come to terms with death and develop the courage to embrace it. I'm simply going through this process much sooner than normal. That's what I want to devote my time to, to preparing for what's coming.
“Death is not an evil, because it frees us from all evils, and while it takes away good things, it takes away also the desire for them. Old age is the supreme evil, because it deprives us of all pleasures, leaving us only the appetite for them, and it brings with it all sufferings. Nevertheless, we fear death, and we desire old age.” ― Giacomo Leopardi
The trouble with suicide is that you always kill yourself too late, but the earlier, the better. I'm opting out of this utter fool's errand.
I'm thinking about taking a trip beforehand to the regional park I'll choose to die in and go through the entire ritual. I won't take the entire cocktail, but I will take a high enough dose of benzos to make me pass out, so I can go through the process of what the final moments will feel like, staying there overnight. I'll post pics to prove I'm serious. I'm also thinking about having something custom made to honor Schopenhauer, my final place being marked with the quote, "Nothing can be stated as the aim of our existence except the knowledge that it would be better for us not to exist. - Arthur Schopenhauer". Maybe I'll leave the 2 volumes of "The World as Will and Representation" there as well, protected from the elements.
Does anyone remember that time I got lost in a regional park for 2 days and barely made it out of there? Took LSD, potentiated by methylene blue, and kept climbing higher and higher until it was too dark to find my way back, didn't know I could access free GPS from my phone, had to hide somewhere and build a small wind shield by digging in the dirt, using leaves as cushioning, then scare off a pack of coyotes in case they attacked me. Severely dehydrated, without food, legs right on the verge of collapsing.
I know I'll regret it if I choose to live due to a simple fear of non-existence or childish hopes. I'm going to put an end to this. Maybe I'll send CASPER the coordinates to my body, where you'll also find a few thousand in cash. Or I could post a delayed message on xchan, turning it into a game.
Originally posted by LegalizeSpiritualDiscovery
The fact that you of all people claim to have fucking ADD kinda invalidates most everything else you're claiming. Dude, you write walls of text on insanely specific topics, after hours of research, all the time. You don't have fucking ADD.
Coping without medication is certainly an option. You're just being a pussy.
I’ve barely done that in years.
Your perception is inaccurate. I cannot sustain concentration on something for more than a few minutes at most and it’s very inefficient. If I don’t find it interesting I can’t focus at all. My processing speed is slow and I’m perpetually in a state that’s akin to being halfway lost in thought.
Obsessive interests are a common symptom of asperger’s, it can mask ADD, especially if you have above average intelligence and enjoy reading.
