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Posts by Malice
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2018-04-25 at 3:09 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
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2018-04-25 at 12:32 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.Fairly low doses of etizolam are giving the pronounced normalization effect I've noticed in the past. There actually is evidence that suggests benzos can normalize critical aspects of brain activity in autistics.
I literally don't develop any negative side effects, the only thing it does is make me feel far more "normal". I even lose the neurological discomfort, likely largely driven from an imbalance with glutamate, that I'm chronically plagued with. I can even concentrate/focus far better.
Some dextro-(meth)amphetamine and life may just be bearable, I may be capable of actually achieving something. -
2018-04-25 at 12:19 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.If I kill Casper's girlfriend...I can take advantage of his emotionally vulnerable state to get drugs...
No, no, that's too far. I could just track her down and sabotage the relationship. -
2018-04-24 at 11:37 PM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
Originally posted by CASPER hi guise
SEND ME METH!
Typical, you meet a girl and completely forget about everyone else.
I had to drop another class due to a lack of ADD medication and they told me it could take months to see a psychiatrist.
I was just about to start looking for a recommended vendor and then this happen: https://www.deepdotweb.com/2018/04/24/sorting-trough-the-dread-olympus-drama/
The forum everyone migrated to after various subreddits got taken down just went down itself. I need it now! -
2018-04-24 at 9:50 PM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
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2018-04-24 at 4:31 PM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
Originally posted by the pat-man this is going to sound very platitudinous but when i was all fucked up after years of drug abuse i found time consuming outdoor activities to help with the depression, fishing, kayaking, shit like that. ever consider that instead of whacking your neurons with more synthetics?
I’ve tried it many times, spending entire says going far off trail in regional parks in the Bay area. It only feels futile, endless repetition, like you’re looking for something that just isn’t there. It changes nothing. -
2018-04-24 at 4:28 PM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
Originally posted by the pat-man this is going to sound very platitudinous but when i was all fucked up after years of drug abuse i found time consuming outdoor activities to help with the depression, fishing, kayaking, shit like that. ever consider that instead of whacking your neurons with more synthetics?
Doesn’t work for. Unfortunately my chronic depression is severely treatment resistant. I’ve failed everything short of ECT.
Some people just loose the genetic lottery and were unfortunate enough to be born in a time without adequate treatments. Life has never felt right for me.
Eventually you need to accept that and decide it’s time to go.
I’ll consider using 5-10mg of meth once a day, and I’ll either give it until the end of the spring of winter semester, a year at most, and then I’ll decide.
It most likely won’t work, which is why I wrote that I would prefer to pass as soon as possible as opposed to trying in vain.
Maybe I’ll take a few months of being on meth or 2-FMA and just devote my time to studying philosophy and the suicide project. -
2018-04-24 at 4:16 PM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.I’m going to stop posting about suicide here, except for major developments. These responses are terrible.
Etizolam by itself definitely isn’t enough. Once the perpetual suffering caused by a GABAergic deficit and the myriad of effects stemming from it are remedied I’m still afflicted by a naturally low basal hedonic tone.
Above all, even when I’m afflicted by an overt form of suffering like this, it’s the emptiness of existence that’s unbearable. It’s not akin to a hole that can be filled, it’s a black hole that consumes and destroyed all.
In a certain way, it’s even worse than being profoundly melancholy and depressed. Lanny, I remember you once mentioning that there were certain albums you always listened to while in this state, possibly having mentioned that you may have a form of seasonal affective disorder that comes about around winter, IIRC, and that if you could you would stay in that state all year long.
Why is that? It seems to suggest that you understand, and it’s not as if you haven’t long had a proper understanding of this, that people can desire more than maximizing happiness, please, possibly even satisfaction/fulfilment (depression, to any extent, normally considerably reduces this sense).
What if the reason you enjoyed this state, for some of the same reasons you enjoy alcohol, is because you feel an affinity to, resonate with, the themes in what you experience in this songs and how they resonate with what on s deeper psychological level you feel is the genuine nature of the human condition?
Listen to the music the vast majority do, the conversations they have, the societal taboos on conversing about dark subjects that restrict your freedom.
And in music, alone, you find your refuge.
“This is what life really is.”
“The inexpressible depth of music, so easy to understand and yet so inexplicable, is due to the fact that it reproduces all the emotions of our innermost being, but entirely without reality and remote from its pain… Music expresses only the quintessence of life and its events, never these themselves.”
“Music is the melody whose script is the world.”
And under the bell jar even that can’t reach you. -
2018-04-24 at 6:21 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
Originally posted by Lanny The point was that you still have to put up with all the problems of being alive while piling this cringeworthy complaining on top of it. If you're going to kill yourself just do it without all this date-setting philosophical bulshitting drama in preface. If you're not then find something better to do with your time than complain about the inadequacies of life. What you're doing right now is behaving like a child.
Mmm, maybe. I'm simply stating that, unfortunately, I don't consider my life to be worth living. -
2018-04-24 at 5:20 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.Being at a neutral baseline is it's own special kind of hell. It truly allows you to experience the emptiness of existence.
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2018-04-24 at 5:01 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
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2018-04-24 at 4:59 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.*sigh* I definitely calmer, I’m not in a constant state of suffering, and feel less a.utistic/more normal, but I still feel so empty. The euphoria just doesn’t last, especially if you’ve consumed as much as I have. Definitely want to try 5mg of high quality meth with this.
I’d like to see how this improves in time as my brain and the rest of my body recover.
If it doesn’t, then I’ll know I made the right choice. -
2018-04-24 at 3:56 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.I really want some meth or 2-FMA to balance this out, see what it’s like.
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2018-04-24 at 3:48 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
Originally posted by Lanny That's waaaaay better than all this gay life stuff like having fun or pursuing my interests.
And what about the gay life stuff such as having your soul mangled by the capitalist system, working an unfulfilling job in an industry you abhor, attempting to get through a difficult master's degree program at the same time, the endless repetitiveness of life, having little time to pursue your genuine passions and what you enjoy most, being so stressed and overworked that you can't enjoy it, often not even being able to sleep properly, dealing with chronic mild depression, having unfulfilling romantic relationships, seeing the people you love die, the countless possibilities and pitfalls, the rumination on whether this is really what you want, what mistakes you may be making, whether you'll end up regretting this at a point where it's too late, the countless misfortunes that will befall you throughout life etc.
Keep that dopamine drip going, lab rat 1. Keep telling yourself, "My life has meaning because the body I did not choose responds to certain stimuli in a manner that causes me to experience pleasure. This endless cycle of seeking it, despite the costs and inability to find genuine meaning in the world, has to be worth it. -
2018-04-24 at 3:40 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
Originally posted by Lanny You know you've made a good point, really convinced me with your compelling arguments. I'm so inspired I'm also going to post continuously for two months about the suicide I'm not going to commit. That's waaaaay better than all this gay life stuff like having fun or pursuing my interests.
You need to read Schopenhauer or at least "Better Never to Have Been". -
2018-04-24 at 2:19 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.*holds envelope in the air while twirling around*
YESSS! Sweet sweet drugs!
Does anyone else engage in little celebratory acts when they receive their drugs in the mail?
It's been so long, my old friend. Goddamn this is gonna feel good when it kicks in. Proper relief for the first time since I was traumatized late last year. -
2018-04-24 at 1:53 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.♪I am gonna escape from this hell
and it will kill me
♪I am gonna escape from this hell
and it will kill me -
2018-04-24 at 1:04 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
Originally posted by WE SMOOTH Honestly I feel you brother. Though I may add that 5 years ago I couldn't see how life could ever improve and it has immensely. I still think life is pointless too but there's plenty of shit to enjoy and 0 shit to enjoy when dead. You're really overthinking it. Shit improved little by little (because I decided it was to) but not without major detours and picking up regrets I'll live with for a long time. You just got to get out of your fuckin emotions for 2 seconds.
So what if you can’t enjoy anything when you’re dead? You can’t suffer either. Your body will continue to decline, life will increasingly lose its novelty, until the worst of all will occur.
What’s so bad about going to sleep and never waking up again? That sounds great to me. I think people run away from it because they cling to the illusions of identity and consciousness. If you lose the fear of accepting the truth you lose the fear of what death is.
Life is a business that does not cover the costs. -
2018-04-23 at 11:55 PM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
I'm not gonna make through this year
It will kill me
Originally posted by MORALLY SUPERIOR BEING Hate to break it to you Malice, but a lot of people sort of enjoy life, even the ones who act all miserable for attention.
People like things like food, socialising, games, having opinions, having a drink, watching television, etc. People even enjoy kvetching.
If you don't enjoy life that may be because you never learned how - enjoying life is a skill, something that can be learned, not something that comes automatically.
Bleh. -
2018-04-23 at 11:40 PM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
Originally posted by roglahonz blaj inbetween drug abuse and video games where do i find the time for homework
And it would only become worse if we graduated! What the hell are we living for? What's supposed to be the reward for all our suffering, hardship, and toil? I tell you, a long life of hard work is the greatest fool's errand in existence! Lift the wool from your eyes, people, you have nothing to lose but the confines of life!
Universal suicide is the most logical thing in the world—we reject it only because of our primitive cowardice and childish fear of the dark.