Posts by Malice

2016-01-23 at 6:13 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition

Malice Naturally Camouflaged

I don't care about Rand.

2016-01-23 at 5:19 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition

Malice Naturally Camouflaged

Woah, 282. Randomly decided to give it a try after who knows how long and got this on my 3rd or 4th round. Despite being in a major depressive state, all the damage that's been done, and having taken etizolam. It's possible the fasoracetam I took counteracted some of this, it's what I think enabled me to achieve my insane score of 55 on flappy plane. Very fascinating nootropic to experiment with. It definitely does something, the effect takes a few hours at most to kick in, and is powerful. It's actually the only racetam I've noticed a distinct positive effect from.

I wonder what the max I'll be able to achieve will be if my treatment plan works out, which I don't see how it couldn't. Appointment on Monday.

2016-01-22 at 8:59 PM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition

Malice Naturally Camouflaged

Malice, did you use pure Piperine? I don't want to torture my asshole with so much pepper. Forgot about the Curcumin, too. It's good stuff.

Indeed. Powder City has it, they may be the only source that has pure piperine powder.

2016-01-22 at 9:44 AM UTC in Sum yourself up in 3 sentences, then evaluate the poster above you.

Malice Naturally Camouflaged

Too many dogs. That needs to improve, if it hasn't already.

2016-01-22 at 9:34 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition

Malice Naturally Camouflaged

Also, I'm pretty sure it was the high dose curcumin that was having the potent antidepressant effect, which stopped when I ran out. 2g w/ 20mg piperine once or twice a day.

Will have 200 grams tomorrow: http://www.powdercity.com/products/curcumin-powder-95

Plus 2 of these: www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00L775W3U

Likely a pill in the morning, curcumin powder later in the day.

https://examine.com/supplements/curcumin/

(neuro)inflammation is key. Read about it and depression. Its ties to insulin resistance/diabetes and the neurological effect, alzheimer's (called type 3 diabetes stemming from some of the leading theories). Neuroinflammation and a variety of disorders, the above mentioned depression, along with autism:

Study Suggests Brain Inflammation Is a Hallmark of Autism
https://www.autismspeaks.org/science/science-news/study-suggests-brain-inflammation-hallmark-autism

In the largest study of its kind, researchers studying brains affected by autism found a common pattern: Widespread activation of brain immune cells that produce inflammation.

Besides fighting infections and cleaning away damaged cells, microglia play an important role in pruning away excess brain-cell connections â€“ called synapses â€“ during brain development. Previous research has suggested that interference with this process can lead to autism. (See Brain Study Suggests that Autism Involves Too Many Synapses.)

Excessive synapses > fits into intense world hypothesis

Which brings to mind this old piece: https://www.autismspeaks.org/about-us/press-releases/research-blocking-cell-distress-signals-can-ease-autism-symptoms
Autism Speaks Trailblazer Research Supports New Theory That Blocking Cell Distress Signals Can Ease Autism Symptoms

The result is chronic brain inflammation and frayed connections between brain cells. â€œWhen the brain cells stop talking, so do children,â€ he says.

This also fits into why dietary changes, my adaption of a very strict restrictive diet, led to such a significant reduction of my symptoms. Won't go into the story, but very likely pre-diabetic, massive hyperglycemic episodes and brain fog after eating, noticed connection between certain foods, led to a phase where researching nutrition entered one of my core obsessions and with the mental architecture I had developed, the refining of my thought processes, strict adherence to rationality, I was quickly able to identify the "truth".

I would highly recommend curcumin for anyone with diabetes or a related disorder, who's overweight obese, especially if they have problems with cognition, foggy brain or memory problems, or depression, possibly even anxiety.

It has numerous benefits. Sploo takes it as well, for a good reason.

Curcumin inhibits glutamate release in nerve terminals from rat prefrontal cortex: possible relevance to its antidepressant mechanism.
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21741425

Glutamate theory of depression, implicated in numerous other disorders as well. Autism seems to have a problem with excessive glutamate, an inbalance between GABA/glutamate (prime inhibitory and excitatory neurotransmitters). May have a strong protectant effect against excitotoxicity as well.

80mg of a bioavailability enhanced curcumin supplement has been reported to increase nitric oxide in serum by 40% or so, which is significantly larger than many other dietary supplements.

NO2 boost is pretty nice for athletes/weight lifters/those who work out.

Vinpocetine is very exciting for increasing the sublingual bioavailability and rate of absorption. https://www.reddit.com/r/Nootropics/comments/3x0ili/ways_to_increase_sublingual_absorbtion/

Particularly interested with using it in conjunction with idebenone, which seems to have very poor oral bioavailability due to extensive first pass metabolism, to boost COQ10. Literallt provide more fuel/supercharge the powerhouses of cognition: https://examine.com/supplements/coenzyme-q10/

Also have some galantamine coming. With this, it may avoid some peripheral side effects. Acerylcholine levels due to seem to be one of key neurotransmitters that are markedly lower in autistics. I also posted about it being used for lucid dreaming.
Posted a while ago about the promise when used in conjunction with menantine, research suggested it was safe an synergistic: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4141213/table/T4/
Another strong boost in cognition.

Along with NA-R-ALA. which is much more effective than standard ALA, higher bioavailability and are a under curve.

More PRL-8-53 to experiment with. Definitely want to save this for when I feel ready for another DMT breakthrough attempt, a hypermnesiac, along with bacopa, to increase retention and be able to bring back more (hopefully much more) from the trip. Eventually it may be to an extent unreached before.

And 5 grams fasoracetam. Very nice GABA-B upregulation effect, enhanced choline uptake, good pro-cognitive potential in my experience. Can reverse phenibut tolerance and withdrawals, also has a nice rebound/sensitization effect that feels like a much cleaner and more sustainable version of phenibut at higher doses. Will like to see how vinpocetine effects the effects from sublingual ROA. PRL was much stronger intransally, many things could be given a considerable boost with vinpocetine. Lyophilized/freeze dried royal jelly as well for the effect on glial cell line-derived neurotrophic factor (GDNF).

Received my 12 grams NSI-189 phosphate in the mail. Waiting to take it until I begin Nardil and therapy. Everything combined together should be a super boost.

"Thus spake Zarathustra, and left his cave, glowing and strong, like a morning sun which cometh from dark mountains. --The End."

Become the ubermensch. Truthfully this time, it is the time to step out of my cave and step into the world, to regain my birthright and establish my dominion.

2016-01-22 at 7:20 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition

Malice Naturally Camouflaged

Oh my god lol. This a new low for zoklet hahaha, you might as well close your account and make a new one now because I don't see you living down something this hilarious. The whole situation is so awkward and fail, the fact that YOU actually went out of your way to make an IRL connection with Malice is pathetic, but then HE doesn't even bother to show up. Holy shit, I'm actually laughing out loud as I'm typing this. I'm gonna have to side with him on this one, even though you're both beyond lame, because I probably wouldn't show up to meet your sad creepy ass either. I mean if I was a known cat fucking troll and a girl was trying to meet up with me IRL I'd probably stay home and jerk off too, "more trouble than it's worth" I'd reassure myself, "she's probably hideous, the fact she hasn't posted pics speaks for itself." Lanny you're so lame for this, words cannot describe… you got stood up outright by one of the biggest losers here! One thing that is disappointing tho is that Malice didn't show up and troll you on camera… so, in all reality, you both fail pretty fucking carhartt hard… yuuuup, I could go on and on about how much you both suck for this, but I gotta go take a shit. Have fun being the laughing stock of zoklet lol.

Oh, that Poast. *wipes tear from eye*

2016-01-22 at 7:02 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition

Malice Naturally Camouflaged

â€œShould I kill myself, or have a cup of coffee?â€

*sigh* Poor girl, I should have taken her out for coffee. I'm not exaggerating, it was ridiculous how much attention I received from girls in school despite (possibly in part from) my legendary ultra loner status. No one managed to break through to me, not once. Beginning in 7th grade in particular, the harassment was ridiculous. I have a theory that it may have been due to "extreme maleness" related to autism. I had a full mustache by the end of middle school, and may have been the only one in the school. (Remember, this varies by genetic population.ethnicity. Think East Asians and their facial hair development, the lack of it, and how it develops later in life, if ever.) This fits into my theory about the biological correlates I noticed and my life history, the effect a testosterone surge may have had, although the behavior it induced was aberrant (I was really abnormal). Even the first day of high school when I didn't know anyone and therefore no one knew my background I received attention.

And they were good looking too. I wish I hadn't taken life so seriously and just enjoyed the game, accepted a nice girl to be friendly with, fool around, and feel fuzzy things together.

The strange thing is that me turning them down was for none of the usual reasons. I was definitely biologically heterosexual and had a sex drive, I wasn't exactly shy, suspicious of their motives/paranoid, none of the usual reasons. I just went down this ideological black hole, I had such a negative mentality, a negative hyper-systemizing fixation directed towards humans and human behavior, had a major problem with human nature, biological drive, and saw it and emotions as an irrationality, a barrier to full control over myself; I wanted strict adherence to rationality and I stuck to my ideals and was so rigid about them. I can't recall all the thoughts I had during that period, it was 10 years ago, and I was just in a constant state of rumination. Well, this is what it led to. Developing in isolation without guidance and external intervention did not end well.

2016-01-22 at 6:43 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition

Malice Naturally Camouflaged

I remember my mom periodically asking me if I was lonely, I genuinely didn't have the subjective experience of feeling negatively when alone so I always said I didn't know. I'm still not sure I know. I've never had a particular emotional longing for company

Having difficulty identifying and expressing your emotions is a standard symptom of being on the autism spectrum, along with how you feel about social relations. I know I've bugged you about this before, but it's a spectrum, everyone has autistic traits to some extent, and the AQ (Asperger's/Autism quotient) does vary significantly by major, just like it doe for gender, general intelligence, other personality traits, the most relevant being the systemizing/empathizing scale. Something I was reading recently noted, oh, here it is: http://anthro.vancouver.wsu.edu/media/Course_files/anth-395-nicole-hess/2008_bc_jep_autism_hypersystemizing_and_truth.pdf

The evidence for systemizing being part of the â€œbroader autism phenotypeâ€ includes the finding that fathersâ€”and even grandfathersâ€”of children with ASC are twice as likely to work in the occupation of engineering (a clear example of a systemizing occupation) (Baron-Cohen, Wheelwright, Stott, Bolton, & Goodyer, 1997b). Students in the natural sciences (engineering, mathematics, physics) also have a higher number of relatives with autism (Baron-Cohen et al., 1998). Mathematicians have a higher rate of AS, and so do their siblings (Baron-Cohen, Wheelwright, Burtenshaw, & Hobson, in press). Both mothers and fathers of children with AS have been found to be strong in systemizing on the Embedded Figures Test (Baron-Cohen & Hammer, 1997a). Finally, there is some evidence that aboveaverage systemizers have more autistic traits. Thus, scientists score higher than nonscientists on the Autism Spectrum Quotient (AQ). Mathematicians score highest of all scientists on the AQ (Baron-Cohen, Wheelwright, Skinner, Martin, & Clubley, 2001c). These findings suggest a link between systemizing talent and autistic traits, the link being likely to be genetic. We will need molecular genetic studies of both systemizing and ASC to understand the nature of this link.

Computer science is massive on systemizing.

During my ten year period of isolation I genuinely didn't feel lonely or see/understand the value of social relationships. It wasn't until the breaking point that I realized the various signs I had missed/denied of how starved I was of meaningful social relationships, how much happier I would have been with them, and began to realize what I had missed out on and regretted it.

The segment of your quote I bolded struck me as particularly unusual. Have you ever taken an autism/Aspeger's quotient test and taken it seriously, really tried to think back about your behavior, particularly things during childhood that may not readily come to mind? Just curious about what you might score.

On the other hand I was kind of an unhappy kid. Even for a good chunk of college I was, uhh, not depressed per se but I just didn't feel any "magic", one day was much like the next and I didn't particularly care about any of them, almost all the elements of my existence felt like a slog. And the emotional high points of my life have almost always coincided with comparatively more human interaction but it's never felt causative (that is to say I've never felt that having more people in my life makes me happier, but being happier tends to coincide with with people in my life). I think to an extent it's the platonic ideal of other people that's more important to me personally than individuals.

Oh yeah, you're definitely reminding me of myself. This is bad. I wonder if 5 or 10 years down the line you're going to have a crisis like I did and realize you're a (mild/moderate) aspie, possibly socialized and adjusted well enough, in a very suitable career; another major factor being that you've been with similar people, same for your major, that allowed the differences relative to the general population to be masked due to your reference point.

And of course there's this whole ritual of you being like "I'm lonely" and me being like "hey, wanna hang out or whatever" and you being like "nahhhhh" and me being mildly embarrassed for offering in the first place (the occupy incident being perhaps the most amusing embodiment of this). Bue regardless, my sense of martyrdom will almost always trump my sense of shame so if you ever actually get to the point of being able to do things with people I go to concerts or movies or whatever on a weekly basis and you're always welcome to join in with me and the rest of society in having fun.

What? That was one time years ago, and it was before the breaking point where I came to these realizations, while I was still in my awkward ultra-aspie faze, and I had actually been considering it, but did sort of pussy out/decide against it. I mean, I didn't think it was that big of a deal at the time, and I actually think I had been planning on just taking a picture of you from afar while I had a mask on and then running away (this was back when I thought you were a girl and you still hadn't come clean).

Found the thread! It was over 4 years ago!: http://web.archive.org/web/20140928161939/http://www.zoklet.net/bbs/showthread.php?t=208214

I've been genuinely suggesting, perhaps not overtly, that we meet multiple times since I don't know how long ago, sometime after we began communicating regularly here, and you repeatedly turned me down or didn't reciprocate. Even recently you blatantly stated:

Aww, that's sweet. Don't know why you think I feel superior though. I'd offer to hang out some time but I think we both know that couldn't work.

No no, I have enough real world friends. I only have one half insane drug addicted autistic sadist to bullshit with online. Let's not ruin a good thing.

I think I may have even offered to run errands for you (I'd ask you to time me to see how ridiculously fast I could manage it. You should see how insanely fast and efficiently I'm capable of moving. I used to do this a lot in pre-depression days, and I wasn't even on drugs. There was a stint in middle school where one of the idiosyncrasies I was known for was powerwalking everywhere at a ridiculous speed. Unfortunately, I needed such a high level of stimulation (an accelerated learning or gifted and talented program would have been what I needed), an external outlet for my creative/intellectual energies, that without it, particularly once I stopped having friends and withdrew/shutdown, I just ended falling into a sort of depression/stasis I never came out of, like constantly being half asleep, just lost in my own thoughts.

Did you ever hear that news story about the UC Berkeley/Occupy kids that were arrested for marching on the freeway a few years back? I was actually there for the stimulation and was the only one that managed to figure out how to get out of it (some idiot allegedly tried jumping onto a tree and broke both legs. I was also looking down the sides of the ramp for something suitable to jump onto. Now I'd keep a much simpler solution on hand for situations like this.), although there was definitely a self-selection bias, the more intelligent students being far less likely to go on there to begin with. Something I noticed was that during situations like that (there were others) instead of being overwhelmed I actually felt calmer and more neurotypical than ever before, actually initiated conversations, which normally I would literally never do. After getting away I actually spoke to this girl that was watching from afar and charmed her, alluded to what I had done after asking how she felt about the situation, but when she asked if I wanted to go get coffee or something I just said, "No, that's alright." and walked away. Then when I was waiting to cross the street it seems she was about to try to say something, but I literally began running (not because of her, entirely, it was just let and I wanted to get home, catch the bus/bart), took out the flexicuffs from my jacket sleeve, still attached to one hand (alluded to this while talking to her) and waved them while running.

Haha...fuck. Why didn't I make the connection?! Shit, why did I keep holing myself away and not seek out more stimulation? That story wasn't really necessary, but, ah, man, I wish it hadn't taken me this long to come to these realizations. I just had this massive problem with the idea of human relationships and kept falling into a vicious cycle.

Well, what is youthful energy composed of, anyway? Testosterone/hormone replacement (supplementation) therapy, maybe some stimulant, NSI-189 definitely seems to be reported to bring back some of that youthful quality. It's the way things develop you as a person that I really regret, memories are just shadows of past experience. Regardless of how I could have felt in the past, that time is gone, and I would still be concerned with how I feel in the present.

The most common case is when I think about my asian friends who had tiger moms

Very different. Ideally it would be in an area where those schools/programs wouldn't be dominated/have a significant percentage of East Asians. On average personality traits and culture, you know? Let's face it, East Asians tend to be pretty boring. Whites and jedis are the best, the kind with free spirited educated parents. I was thinking more along the lines of that makeup, not the people that are only interesting on paper and have been prepared for the Ivy League their entire life by helicopter parents or tiger moms.

Then again, maybe there just would have been so much pressure/work, so much competition, that there just wouldn't have been much of a social life. And introversion/autistic traits do seem to be over represented there. Maybe it wouldn't have been the ideal I imagined at all, just a different kind of miserable and inadequate.

2016-01-22 at 2:34 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition

Malice Naturally Camouflaged

What if prolonged severe depression contributed to the drastic reduction of my autistic symptoms by reducing brain activity (slowed thoughts, foggy brain/cloudy mind, blank mind, are common symptoms, and scans show there's a neurological basis for this), causing a drastic decrease in BDNF production, leading to lower synapses (insufficient synaptic pruning is one of the neurological factors involved in autism, many more synapses) along with contributing to the overall lower brain activity (intense world theory), rock bottom testosterone levels reducing some of the extreme maleness, along with the behaviors it triggers, which fit within the evolutionary theory of depression,desire to reconnect with tribe/elicit supportive behavior along with the pro-social behavior to support this, increased empathy, feelings of guilt (related to empathy/emotion).

And curing my severe depression will lead to a return to an autistic state, possibly causing a vicious cycle where I'm unable to maintain social relationships, at least satisfactory healthy ones. Well, there's no way I would be as depressed and unsatisfied with life as I am now. There's also the Jekyll and Hyde "cyclic psychopathy" I've noticed correlates strongly with my mood. Of course I can engage in cognitive behavioral therapy, attempt to control/subdue it and alter my behaviors, but what if it's my natural base state when I'm not depressed?

I suppose we'll just have to find out.

2016-01-21 at 9:36 PM UTC in Lanny, you're a mentally deficient pretentious cunt.

Malice Naturally Camouflaged

I don't know what you're talking about -Spec, Lanny was a girl on BLTC for years until she got sick of people PMing / harassing her so she started dressing up like a guy and convincing everyone she was a dude. Now people believe it.

So Lanny wasn't a guy pretending to be a girl, she was a girl who is currently pretending to be a guy.

Could this be why Lanny has been so reluctant to meet up with me...

I could finally have found someone to lose my virginity to. Or at least having an intelligent female BFF I could relate to, with a level of intelligence, knowledge, and adherence to rationality I find acceptable, which is rare, would be super cool.

But, no, I've very good at hunting/tracking my prey, and found Lanny's PI. Pretty sure he's a male, unless what I found was set up beforehand to fool others into thinking she was a male...

2016-01-21 at 9:31 PM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition

Malice Naturally Camouflaged

pm me a vendor
etizy are fags now because they only accept bulk orders when I used to be able to get a 10 strip for like 6 dollars

http://www.purposechem.com/

2016-01-21 at 10:30 AM UTC in I am the last Poster

Malice Naturally Camouflaged

[last words, about cherry blossoms] Perfect. They… are all… perfect…

I thought it was a touching film, but I think I saw it over 8 years ago at least.

2016-01-21 at 10:24 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition

Malice Naturally Camouflaged

Lanny, do you ever feel negatively about being alone? What brought this to mind was walking and looking at houses, passing by some restaurants/fast food places, and the scent, the warmth, the warm atmosphere, reminding me of that feeling of close social connections, meetings between people, the houses reminded me of the feeling of having a family, the warmth.

I mean, there's the issue of independence and privacy, of course, but there's still something there, that feeling of having people waiting for you, the support, nurturing, even having them do things for you was nice., just knowing they care about you and you can go to them for help.

"To be in love is to be as gay as in company, as free as in solitude."

I never would have imagined it, but I've come to realize that at this point I hate being alone. I feel I've had enough solitude for a lifetime. The problem is finding the right person to live with, under the right living arrangements.

Of course you have your need for social interaction filled via work and friends, possibly other things I don't know about, so from that healthy base it's normal to be able to enjoy time alone. It's just when there's nothing but solitude and hasn't been for a very long time that it radically alters your conscious experience, the way you view the world and how it feels.

Also, do you regret being sent to the shitty school you went to and not really having people you could relate with, really being challenged and engaged? What if you had had the opportunity to go to a school for the gifted, a gifted and talented program, having been able to meet unique people you could really relate to and engage with, this unique intellectual atmosphere. Do you feel resentment for how much better those years of your life could have been? Although you ended up turning out well.

2016-01-21 at 10:12 AM UTC in I'm so fucking mad right now.

Malice Naturally Camouflaged

Not sure I'd call you a "polymath" but if you really feel that way then that's cool. I sometimes go back and forth on the necessity of external validation. I often then it's not necessary, dependency on it is nurtured and largely harmful but then you go to TRT and see Malice and remember we can't reason well independently, that social validation is a check on personal fetishism, obsession. Still, I doubt anyone could make good art who wasn't willing to forgo approval for its sake.

inb4 "fuck off lanny you faggot", I thrive on your hate. Being your despised fanboy is strangely satisfying to my submissive masochism.

*Gasp* Hrmph.

It's not necessarily a matter of independence, more of having taken social isolation to an extreme. I wonder how much of some of the great works depended on external input, how much was just the product of them being holed off reading and thinking alone.

2016-01-21 at 12:03 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition

Malice Naturally Camouflaged

I agree, it's the biological basis that's the problem. The way it's impacted my development, needing an entirely different life than I had, particularly during such a critical period, the neurological effects and the basis of autism etc.

I accepted that nothing was going to change without other people, until I accepted the need for them and help, external intervention. Meeting with a psychiatrist in a few days and being open about everything. There are some good programs for those on the autism spectrum in the area, so I could have a good basis for recovery.

You have to realize that this has really been two decades, particularly the last decade, of an incredible amount of damage. I was prediabetic at one point, experiencing massive brain fog from hyperglycemia after meals, possibly with its impact on neuroinflammation as well, despite being at a healthy weight and having a reasonable diet. Unless it was due to food sensitivities or genetic basis (both my parents were thin, it didn't seem to be a problem in my family), it may have been due to hypercortisolism, which would mean my stress levels must have been insanely high for this to occur, and there are also very worrying studies about the permanent neurological damage it can cause.

It's been building up over a lifetime. All I'm getting at is, there's a physical basis, and changing my worldview isn't enough to cause me to be happy. In fact, it was likely the inverse, my psychological/emotional state, likely being depressed and suffering since this began over a decade ago, that led to me developing such a negative worldview. Negative emotional state > negative thoughts and fixation, particularly when ostracized, alienated, and having an environment that you feel negatively and resentful towards, a lack of a healthy reference point from your autistic bubble and skewed worldview.

It's just an absolute mess. I really should stop posting about and focus on recovery.

2016-01-20 at 9:05 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition

Malice Naturally Camouflaged

Hey, I just had a thought, why aren't terminally ill children (voluntarily) used for experiments that would otherwise be considered unethical? Goddamn irrational emotional evocation and attachment with strong innate/evolutionary ties, and fucking women/mothers in particular, although the dads are bound to be irrationally resistant as well, to a lesser extent.

What I mean is, if something might cause cancer or kill them, lead to horrible effects years down the line, who cares? Or what if they're so drugged up they can't even feel anything and are barely conscious. Alter their brains. This could lead to a rapid acceleration in the identification of causes/the basis of disorders and treatments.

2016-01-20 at 8:45 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition

Malice Naturally Camouflaged

Talent in autism: hyper-systemizing, hyper-attention to detail and sensory hypersensitivity
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2677592/

Participants were administered the Freiburg Visual Acuity and Contrast Test, a standardized optometric test that uses the Landholt-C optotype (Bertone et al. 2003). The gaps in the C-shape range from 0.4 to 25 mm and appear in one of four positions: up; down; left; or right. Participants sat at a fixed distance of 60 cm from the computer screen and identified the location of the â€˜missingâ€™ part of the C-shaped stimulus by selecting one of four arrow keys on the keyboard. Participants had 3 s to respond on each of the 150 trials. The results generated a Snellen decimal, where a value of 1.0 represents â€˜normalâ€™ 20 : 20 vision (Heaton et al. 2008). A score of 20 : 10 is regarded as excellent vision, and means an object normally detected at 10 feet can be detected at 20 feet. Thus, Snellen values above 1.0 represent increasingly accurate vision, and values below 1.0 represent worse vision. The ASC group scored a mean acuity measure of 2.79 (s.d.=Â±0.37), which was significantly better than the control group mean of 1.44 (s.d.=Â±0.26), t(40)=4.63; p<0.001. The Snellen score of 2.79 for the ASC group represents acuity 2.79 times better than normal, and translates to vision of 20 : 7. This approaches the range reported for birds of prey.

Birds of prey. Cool.

Autism, hypersystemizing, and truth
http://anthro.vancouver.wsu.edu/medi..._and_truth.pdf

The hypersystemizing theory
of autism spectrum conditions (ASC) proposes that people with ASC have an unusually strong
drive to systemize. This can explain their preference for systems that change in highly lawful or predictable
ways; why they become disabled when faced with systems characterized by less lawful change;
and their â€œneed for samenessâ€ or â€œresistance to changeâ€. If â€œtruthâ€ is defined as lawful patterns in data
then, according to the hypersystemizing theory, people with ASC are strongly driven to discover the
â€œtruthâ€.

The Intense World Theory â€“ A Unifying Theory of the Neurobiology of Autism
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3010743/

The positive consequences are exceptional capabilities for elementary and specific tasks while the negative consequences are impairment of holistic processing, a rapid lock to a limited repertoire of behavioral routines, which are then repeated obsessively.

The autistic person may also become locked into powerful memories that are difficult to correct or extinguish and that dominate every-day life. Quick and almost arbitrary association building based on enhanced perception of sensory features paired with excessive internal emotions â€“ positive or negative â€“ may rapidly lock the person down into behavioral routines. A failure to extinguish such associations may underlie the insistence on sameness and obsession with routines and may make rehabilitation difficult.

Enhanced fear memory formation and a progressive generalization of fears could have major consequences on behavior and account for inappropriate reactions to the environment, sudden and apparently inexplicable anxiety attacks, loss of the finesse required in social interactions, and phobias. Over-generalization may also accelerate the progression in autism by more rapidly limiting the repertoire of safe stimuli, environments, and situations. While deficits in extinction were previously observed in autistic children (Mullins and Rincover, 1985; Sears et al., 1994; Coldren and Halloran, 2003) and may lead to preservation tendencies observed in autism, fear extinction was never studied in autism. If present, a deficit in extinguishing acquired fear in autism would make it more difficult to relinquish old fears that are no longer relevant or justifiable. This deficit combined with longer-lasting fear memories that are also over-generalized, could lead to a progressive and irreversible reduction in the repertoire of acceptable stimuli and drive a complete lock down and blanketing out of what would rapidly become a painfully intense world.

Over sensitivity to negative social events, strong memory encoding, particularly of these amplified events, OCD traits cause a obsessive fixation on these, replaying in the mind repeatedly, increasing/cementing trauma, painfully intense world in general, leads to withdrawal and detachment, begins systemizing as a coping mechanism or due to natural predispositions, influenced by the isolated state, avoidance leads to less likelihood of positive events, detachment and resistance, difficulty reciprocating and prolonging interaction, possibly an ingrained negative perception of others leads to less impact from any positive, social isolation increases sensitivity to negativity and aggressive/irritable demeanor, also influenced by painfully intense world (like a grimace from chronic pain) and negative/hostile perception of others, decreased/atrophied/undeveloped social skills and abnormal behavior/idiosyncrasies, superficial physical appearance/demeanor, increase likelihood of negative events. A vicious cycle develops.

I understand the system. Like the mechanic understand the engine, I can come to understand the brain and mind. Understand the system, you understand/can develop the optimal treatment/repair. Nardil's serotonin boost is excellent for OCD and it is also the gold standard for anxiety (along with being a fantastic antidepressant and all the other related benefits the other monoamine boosts), helping with a possible GABAergic deficit, which could be augmented by gabapentin/pregabalin, also providing a muscle relaxant effect (rigidity can be a symptom) and possibly reducing excessive synapse formation, or low dose klonopin, which may normalize function in the autistic, if there's an irregularity in the system not remedied by simply increasing GABA concentrations in the brain, memantine regulates the glutamatergic/NMDA system, normalizing some aspects, reducing the intensity of the world and excessive glutamatergic signaling (which may cause multiple other problems, contribute to depression, OCD, exito/neurotoxicity, neuroinflammation), botox (interesting information about it and its efficacy for depression) to prevent negative/aggressive facial depression helping with therapy/rehabilitation/reintegration/establishing social ties, a good curcumin source for strong effects on neuroinflammation, some insulinergic regulation, glutamate normalization, antidepressant effect, phenibut, when properly used (sustainably) may further reduce anxiety and fear response, multiple other social and cognitive benefits, or fasoracetam as an alternative, NSI-189 for a positive impact on the hippocampus, atrophied by chronic stress, depression, other maladies, improvements in mood, memory, cognition emotions, positive effect on amygdala, excellent adjunct for therapy/reprogramming and adult hippocampal neurogenesis is related to forgetting (of negative memories, fears/phobias), reversal of detachment, possibly add some other substances as an adjunct for exposure therapy in particular, such as d-cycloserine, others researched for potential for fear extinguishment. Maybe even experiment with rapamycin/sirolimus or everolimus for normalizing synaptic pruning, maybe even suramin, available from Fisher Scientific and the only real risk seeming to be from standard prolonged usage for sleeping sickness, as opposed to a single IV infusion for autism, the effects lasting around 3 months IIRC.

Let's cure some autism.

2016-01-20 at 6:11 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition

Malice Naturally Camouflaged

Have you ever, while looking at porn, masturbating, thinking about sex, attempting to attain it (general process involved), or even while engaging in it thought, "This is really stupid. This is the basis of so much of what drives us. Tab A going into slot B. Sperm and egg, genes, traits, heritability, separateness and competition, the gene centric view of evolution.

Pseudo-profound. There's nothing particularly deep, insightful, or novel about any of this, it's been repeated countless times, who knows how far back the first recording occurred. When you're happy you normally don't think about why you're happy, what anything amounts to, the futility, illusion of control etc. I wonder if there's ever been a truly, joyously happy and fulfilled person, devoid of mental illness (Difficult to quantify. Could you commit what I'm suggesting without being mentally ill?), who decided to commit suicide based on pure reason. "I don't want to play this game anymore."

2016-01-20 at 6:03 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition

Malice Naturally Camouflaged

You really reach an odd state of mind when you genuinely lose all the normal driving forces, desires, of a human being. Genetic, biological/neurological, due to my environment, life history/past events, psychological/worldview; I really don't know what proportion of each is responsible for this. I undoubtedly developed abnormally.

The zero point.

Sex/women, relationships, foods, material goods, social status etc. Severe anhedonia. Disillusionment. It began with detaching and isolating myself, withdrawing, systemizing the human race, their behavior, society, existence, my own life, then finally myself. At some point you just have to accept that your brain is functioning abnormally and you have to fight against your self-destructive instincts, act without a natural desire, even if it ultimately seems pointless/futile, and that you would likely feel differently if you weren't so depressed. Even if you accept the lack of genuine control, become a puppet that can see your own strings, it will at least allow you to continue to live until a point where you may attain something...more, having accepted a position of humility, the limitations of yourself and accepting that your views/data may be flawed.

It's like examining the world around yourself as a robot/artificial intelligence and deciding there's no rational reason to continue to exist. I suppose you could say I want to regain my humanity so I can be able to sustain what's likely an irrational action, the decision to continue living. Emotions evolved for a reason. I really do not feel normal, it's just a sort of...emptiness that pervades everything. If you could be momentarily transported into my body you'd understand. "Oh, so this is how it feels like to be Malice." Then the contrast with your own life (this scenario is very flawed, unrealistic, let's just bypass that for this thought experiment), imagining that this would go on forever, you'd always be trapped in here until death or some intervention/alteration (hopefully) caused you to feel differently, would probably make you panic, become an extremely traumatic and depressing memory, possibly cause the minds of some to shatter. I wonder if it's fortunate that I don't really have a single strong memory, a good reference point for normality/a healthy life/happiness, or a real sense of attachment to my own life/self; if I did the memory of what I had lost, as opposed to only being able to imagine what I missed out on, could have driven me to suicide by this point.

This is a period of stasis. Meeting with a psychiatrist = accepting the need for external intervention, other people in your life, that you can't do it alone, live alone, and are unsure if you can really trust your own judgments and actions at this point.

2016-01-20 at 12:50 AM UTC in Is My Dick Dead?

Malice Naturally Camouflaged

I'm 26, bruh. No offense taken.

Woah. Not sure what gave me that idea, it must have been a post you made, possibly misinterpreting it, or maybe a false memory, confusing or having information about someone else become mixed up with yours.

It's hard to tell for certain. What I mean is, it had nothing to do with your posts, and they don't accurately reflect who you are IRL. There are children in the world with more raw intelligence and knowledge than you or I could ever hope to have, and of course an immense amount of people who reach the end of their lives as absolutely undeveloped immature idiots; you really could have been any age.

It's unfortunate that you aren't 18, the earlier you had had intervention and started going down another path in life, the better. There's no way you're as bad as I am, though. This is particularly applicable in my case, I just needed an entirely different life than what I had. Right from the beginning I wish I had had different parents, different schools, support and guidance, therapy. Part of what made drove me to the verge or suicide was just how long this had been building up, how much damage had been done, and being unsure of whether I even wanted to be a part of this world, having a realistic view of what I might expect.

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