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Posts by Malice
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2016-01-19 at 10:56 PM UTC in Is My Dick Dead?
Thank you for the tips, Malice. I can't get into treatment right now because I'm working on a career. I can't afford being away. I will try to get my hands on it, though.
As for university, yea, I kinda went through the whole school system already. Haha. I'm pretty sure that I'm older than you. I'm actually going to school right now. With 5 people who are all in their mid 40's. Pretty weird and hard to explain.
I have a couple of theories what caused all of it but they are too personal to talk about here. Maybe I'll figure out how to PM you.
What? I thought you were around 18. How old are you? No offense, it's not because you seemed immature or undeveloped, I'm not sure what gave me this idea. -
2016-01-19 at 7:57 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionYou've had a lesbian experience? Oh, I think I might vaguely recall something about you being (nearly) blacked out some benzo and waking up to someone sucking on your tits or something, possibly playing with your bits. It's rape, and that's not okay, but in a completely unempathetic way that scenario was awesome.
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2016-01-19 at 12:32 AM UTC in Is My Dick Dead?
I'm the same. Probably because of all the drugs I take. Mainly benzos. I'm a tall, masculine dude so quite a few girls flirt with me here and there but my heart, yea I have feelings, doesn't respond at all. Fuck my dick. I'd like to connect with someone and then dick them down like a lumberjack. I got my balls and blood checked and the doctors said that I have high Testo levels so it must be a mental thing.
Engage in introspection and reflect on your life. Do you feel you've closed yourself off to people, developed a negative mentality? Possibly something along the lines of what I went through. Is there anything that may have led to that, predispositions, events in your life that added up, not having the right environment, people you wanted, a good reference point for healthy relationships, the potential they could have?
If you're planning to go to university, despite the massive flaws of the system, it probably is the best place for you to find good people in your life. Finding people that you can learn to open up to and connect with, someone to break open your heart, would probably be the most therapeutic thing you could experience. Don't become jaded like I did, blow up and become increasingly sensitized to negative events, feel like there's nothing out there for you. I don't know enough about your life and mentality to know why you feel like a less extreme younger version of me, but this path doesn't lead to happiness. I want to warn anyone I see going down the same path to get off it.
That doesn't mean I want the same life as anyone else, to just give in and abandon the desire to become more than man, just that the path to self-development, improvement and self-actualization, could have been much better done.
NSI-189 is excellent for this. Mentioned it many times before, but read reports on r/nootropics and Longecity. It's very affordable for a cycle, if you ever decide to seriously start working on this project, possibly building up to it beforehand, establishing a healthy base where that you feel secure continuing on your own from, this would be the best substance for greatly accelerating the recovery process. Is therapy an option? I don't know how the system works in Germany, but if you can manage to find someone who's a good fit for you, it can be really helpful. I completely understand resistance to it and skepticism, which is warranted because many may not be helpful, but if you're open to it and think about the possible benefits, make the most of it, it could provide a good starting point with someone professionally trained for this.
The effects are exactly what you want. It's really an incredible substance. Perfect for reprogramming/rebuilding/recreating yourself. -
2016-01-18 at 10:13 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionFucking MLK, I swear, that fucking nigger has screwed something up every fucking year. It's like his ghost, some spirit/force of niggerdom, is still trying to stick it to the White man to this day.
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2016-01-18 at 10:05 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionI am the Steppenwolf. I took life entirely too seriously and missed out on it. I thought entirely with my head and denied I had a heart.
I wonder if there's a psychiatric term for "I have a massive fucking problem with being a human being." I'm not sure what proportion is environment, neurology/biology/genes, life history, or psychology/world view at this point. If I had had the optimal environment, would I still have developed a seething hatred and resentment for humanity and human life, perceived a fundamental inadequacy? -
2016-01-18 at 4:18 AM UTC in Stretching your anus before going to prisonBut what if you build a reputation? "He take it like a pro. Don't squeal or nutin."
It could end up making things worse. -
2016-01-18 at 1:37 AM UTC in I'm a fucking Yankeeboo
Y'know, I have no problem with Asians. They invented martial arts and I like their meditation practices. Their literature goes hard. I guess they are ok. I just hate to western over-glorification of Japanese culture by generation weeaboo.
Then I realized that I did the same thing with US culture. I learned the language to assimilate, I follow trends from the US, your media basically raised me. Fuck me. I'm a Yankeeboo.
I've always hated it as well and realized it was being romanticized, idealized as a haven for nerds and introverts. I like some of the things produced in Japan, but the culture is very flawed and far from the ideal. I'm not a fan of culture in general, as it's harmful to individualism, the development of people as individuals, fully actualized human beings.
But as to US culture, do you realize there isn't really a US culture, in a way? The US is just so widespread, with regions varying so much, so many different ethnic groups, division among religious and political lines. There are books about this. Examples:
http://www.amazon.com/Our-Patchwork-Nation-Surprising-America/dp/159240670X
http://www.amazon.com/American-Nations-History-Regional-Cultures/dp/0143122029 -
2016-01-18 at 1:21 AM UTC in Sploo i found a picture of you and Ashley.
I seriously need that picture. It's maybe the least pretentious piece of art I've ever seen. I must frame it and I'm sure I can sell it to some jedi for a lot of money. Money I will not share with Sploo because that would ruin the piece.
Found it for you, brother:
It is a classic. -
2016-01-17 at 10:38 PM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionWell, Lanny, you did make this offer to §m£ÂgØL?
hey §m£ÂgØL, come to san francisco. We have really friendly policies towards vagrants and there's this dope alley right next to where I live with a hostel you could stay at or just set up shop in the alley. I'd give you my wifi password and throw food at you once a day or something and if you're nice I'd let you stay in the gated part outside my door so you don't have to fight the other bums who want this prime real estate. You could even use my shower before job interviews at fast food restaurants or something if you sucked my dick for it.
It's a sweet deal mang, consider it.
What could I receive in exchange for the premium homo experience? I mean everything optimized, risk free, unlike with most people, shameless and open, knowledgeable on carnal techniques, the optimal methods for pleasure, both for giving oral and receiving anal, perfectly clean inside and out (One of the ways my OCD traits manifest is cleaning related OCD).
I wouldn't be above whoring myself out for money, or a good gaming PC + a VR headset (it could be used to save money). This way you could have the full experience with someone you know well enough, at least online (I'm not radically different IRL, just shy and harmless tbh), while not having the massive problems and risks that would come from finding a gay fuck buddy or someone to have a relationship IRL (you know how problematic that tends to be). You can afford it, and it's something that on some level you know you should experience at least once before you might find someone to settle down with. I could bring powerful aphrodisiacs as well, here's a stack I've mentioned before:Take some GHB for the strong aphrodisiac, anxiolytic, and muscle relaxant effects, the last being very beneficial for anal sex, it will allow your virgin White twink anus to take big throbbing cocks without tearing. PT-141 also has strong aphrodisiac effects, it is selective for this effect, and combining the two, particularly if you were willing to stack it with 4-FA/2-FMA (whatever you think would work best, 4-FA is generally better for social situations, but the serotonin release tends to have a stronger effect on erectile dysfunction, leading to my next suggestion) and a sublingual/intranasal viagra spray.
It would all lead to the most mindblowing experience of your life, well worth the money. It would be beneficial for me as well, provide some life experience, social experience and experience with intimacy, along with much needed income or VR to support my recovery/reintegration into society. -
2016-01-17 at 10:03 AM UTC in I'm totally doped on depakote all of the fucking timeSploo, do you have a collection of all the (best) studies you've found about the nootropic/pro-cognitive/neurological benefits of bundy?
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2016-01-17 at 9:51 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionRough outline of a thought I had while mediating, before my sleep stack fully kicks in and I become too sloppy.
"Beat the game."
"Go straight to the source." "Choose to be happy."
Related to the mismatch between biological reality and idealism, bypassing choices, natural inclinations/human behaviors, that are arguably immoral and going straight to the source. That was just the basis for what led to the following:
What if it can be argued that wireheading is not only an ideal state for man to reach, but that it is immoral not to become a wirehead?
Man cannot live by reason alone. Many of our biological inclinations compel us to perform actions, some required to maintain a certain level of functioning, of optimal mental and physical health even if you wish to devote yourself to altruistic ends, that can be considered immoral, at least by the opportunity cost argument. Antinatalism is an example of a strong biological drive that can be considered one of the most immoral and selfish acts possible, yet human evolution had led to having children being a core experience for most, and, arguably, one that provides a unique experience that cannot be realistically approximated by other means, that triggers a certain biological cascade ("Happiness is love." The joy of nurturing. The experience of childhood and sharing in it.). For the opportunity cost argument, our natural inclinations lead us to pursue acts for our own utility, but are generally far from being optimal for the overall well being of others. The argument from hypocrisy against the left/utilitarian thought, think of what could be done if the money used for even one small act of daily life, purchasing a coffee, was spent elsewhere. Or your career, you love it, you're inclined to it and the joy/satisfaction you derive from it allows you to exert yourself to your fullest realistic potential, but in terms of utilitarianism, even with problems inherent to calculation, you could easily see alternatives you could devote yourself to that would be much more effective for increasing the utility of others (effective charity work).
Another major problem I have is that of women. Jesus christ, our fucking biological imperative, how it permeates culture and human behavior. It genuinely sickens me. "I wish to be more than man."
With wireheading, I could immediately deal with the critique that will be proposed that people could simply be content without action by instead stating that in a state of constant satisfaction, and we could even modulate this so that activity was preferred to rest, acting would be no different in terms of pleasure than simply laying down in a euphoriant daze. By bypassing our natural inclinations, our biological predispositions, what has been programmed to give us pleasure, we would then be in a state where we would be able to devote ourselves to acting on pure reason alone, our need for pleasure, reward, already fulfilled. I am happy, I recognize that I will be just as happy contributing to the well being of others, my ideological stance, my ability to reason, drives me to make that decision, which is not impeded by competing desires, by any natural displeasure I would normally feel from doing something outside of my predispositions,
What do you think?
Also related to a thought I had next: Once Lanny's father dies take the opportunity to offer to IV heroin with them. The easing of the pain could provide a rife opportunity for addiction, knocking down that pretentious twat, unremarkable in his region when compared to the multitudes of others in his field and with various personal deficits, to my level, forcing him to be my friend IRL, if only for the access to heroin.
Only a true friend would take advantage of your father's impending death in order to evoke an addiction to opioids in you so that you become dependent, your level of success and functioning is diminished to the point where you no longer feel superior, and you're mine. That's how much I want (to be) you(r friend), Lanny. -
2016-01-16 at 11:44 PM UTC in The roshambo and sploo chronicles
Batman is objectively the most homosexual of super heros. I don't care about batman. Can you reccomend me a good horror movie instead? Protip: I've seen most ones already.
Dude, it's not really about Batman. Trust me, the take on it is just excellent. -
2016-01-16 at 9:33 AM UTC in ATTN: HTS
If it doesn't embed this video I'm going to mass murder myself.
It's a rap battle and a good one, too. Your combo post reminded me of it because there is a similar line in the battle. The Asian jokes in this are from another planet. Insanity.
Those jokes are terrible. Unoriginal and overplayed. Their policy is also incredibly hypocritical, because jokes like this about Blacks would never be allowed. -
2016-01-16 at 8:42 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition
My grandma just asked me to submit a DNR notice for my dad, so that's fun
What do you plan to do when the time comes? I'm genuinely curious about how you plan to cope with it. The Intense World Theory led me to recalling memories and behaviors from the past, and one aspect was emotional intensity, at least to negative events. Fortunately I never dealt with the loss of a person in my life, but one thing that caused me to close off another aspect of myself was:I began to realize a long time ago that I don't like living things in general anymore, but before that, I remember the guinea pigs I had had been developing a sickness that would kill them in a day. It was like the symptoms of a strong cold, and they would become stiff. They never survived and I cried as I held them in my arms. I spent so much time thinking, thinking about the nature of people and relationships, I can't remember what all my thoughts were. I think I saw emotions and connections with others as a weakness, an obstacle to full mastery over myself, and decided to close myself off, and I did, I not only hardened my heart, but entombed it. It worked all too well, I closed myself off from the pain, but the sense of detachment took away the joy, the warmth, I had felt from raising them as well. It's would thing to be able to endure, to strengthen yourself and be able to ward off pain, it's another to not be able to feel even if you desperately want to. I didn't realize the mistake I had made until it was far too late, so many years later. Humans weren't meant to be alone.
Along with feeling betrayed/abandoned by my best friend since 3rd grade (Our meeting was perfect, he passed my a note with three questions designed to test my knowledge/intelligence. He was more well rounded, a typical gifted person, I was more aloof and may have had higher raw potential, but was very much autistic. Only person I really talked to significantly until some time late in 7th.
Do you have people specifically in mind to go to for emotional support, to discuss what you're feeling/experiencing? Are you open to grief counseling? I don't know what kind of person you are IRL, but I hope you're not planning to bottle it up and deal with it yourself, particularly considering how the affair has effected you, bothered you more than you may have expected. Caution with psychedelics is particularly important to take, I know from firsthand experience. "Non-specific general amplifiers." Even some time afterward, if it's still unresolved, or if you're repressing some things, it can bring them to the surface and you'll be confronted with them at great intensity. Aborting the trip isn't a perfected solution, and may make things worse if you do so while leaving the issue unresolved, rather than working through it. It really fucked me up and sent me into a depressive spiral. Grief is normal, though, but if it happens to you, you know I'd always love to have someone to discuss depressing matters with, I've dwelled in this for a longer period and to a deeper extent than nearly anyone you'll likely find. I'm the kind of person that wouldn't feel uncomfortable with seeing you cry, or have my view of you negatively impacted. I'd join in with you. We could even watch Anohana together, possibly amplified by empathogens.
Lanny, do you ever deeply ruminate on the mismatch between biological reality and the ideal, the flaws of human existence, the ugly reality of human nature? Shit's fucked up. It's the major line of thought that started this period of isolation 12 years ago. "I ain't playing this game." I began systemizing the human race, atypical of an autist, my affinity and interests were for the social sciences, although it was a negative fixation.
It's something more likely to occur when you're in a depressive state, a negative psychological state, and have those predispositions. When you're happy with your work and life in general, well, I don't blame you for not dwelling on those ugly thoughts, and they only served to make me miserable and disillusioned, alienated and detached. As a universalist/utilitarian, though, you should consider whether you have a duty to ponder the problems of human existence so as to better be able to understand and possibly help attenuate them. It helps greatly with understanding the world, the fundamentals of human existence, and predicting outcomes.
I'm certainly not assuming you're oblivious to the subject and have done no significant reading. One example I would highly recommend starting with is the book Is There Anything Good About Men, to develop a basis for understanding the line of thought that could lead to my current state. -
2016-01-16 at 5:57 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionI really didn't think the mechanism was interesting at all, it's just something crudely put together. Gets the job done, you know? Duct tape, pragmatism, simplicity.
It only delivers the drug. You get the the benefits of both routes, the faster onset and higher bioavailability or intranasal, that special quality it can have for many drugs (IIRC something about contact with something in the region bypasses the blood brain barrier), without the burning and other problems, slow onset, snorting powder would have, and any that isn't absorbed in the sinus cavity goes into the lungs. A quick boost to cause you to rapidly break through, push you past that point, (the part leading up to it can be really intense and scary for many, and they'd prefer to spend as little time as possible in this phase), then a (relatively) somewhat longer sustained release in the lungs, absorbing the leftover.
A simple molecule can indeed deliver a transcendent experience. Before trying psychedelics, would you really have thought the LSD experience would be as profound as it turned out to be? Even by reading trip reports, there really are things that you just can't properly via language, and DMT is supposed to be the substance most limited by this. "Impossible to describe", "nothing can prepare you for it" are commonly used.
I would love to try some experiments with it, combinations. Combining it with a b. caapi in changa, to prolong and slow down the experience, is a main modification. Another idea I have is to use hypermnesiacs to enable you to remember more of the experience, which can slip away very quickly, like dreams often do, along with the problem of state dependence, it being so far from ordinary reality that when you're in a sober state you just can't properly recreate it in memory, to fully recall it would be to experience it, memories are but shadows of past experience. Bacopa and PRL-8-53 are two drugs I would definitely use, possibly nicotine as well for an acetylcholine boost, the cognitive benefits/nootropic effects amplifying the experience, along with writing, drawing, and/or speaking right afterward, possibly other memory techniques, setting key "landmarks"/"tracers" at certain points, key parts to remember and then fill in the experience from there.
As with LSD, you have to learn its quirks, to really work with it and derive the full benefit. It's definitely the next big step in experience, I would love for you to take part in this project. Utilize it to the fullest extent you can achieve and bring back as much information as possible. -
2016-01-16 at 3:51 AM UTC in The roshambo and sploo chroniclesSeriously? Batman vs Joker? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Dark_Knight_(film)
Are you yanking my chain? It seems really odd that you haven't seen it, although I completely understand how some people can just overlook/miss out on certain things. If you're being serious, you should definitely watch it when you're in the mood for a good action packed film, possibly augmented with the right drugs; it could blow your mind. -
2016-01-16 at 3:46 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionLost a post. Thanking you for the idea, how it could be therapeutic, finding people with similar experiences, the traits I have that could be of benefit, brutal honestly, actively developed shamelessness, awareness, being willing to say what others aren't etc.
Then something about DMT and wanting, what I felt I really wanted, was to experience transcendence. To go beyond myself, the limitations of myself and the ego, my life history, even this world, ordinary reality, other people, society, and all the problems in it; to experience something beyond that. Questioning whether I was really in an optimal state for that, what if I was confronted by something I couldn't handle, wasn't ready for, having no one for emotional support, to speak to about it. Also an idea for a new build to use DMT with, something based on something McKenna had mentioned in a talk. It had a forked end to go into your nostrils and a friend on the other end would blow into a tube to force the smoke into you, combining the benefits of vaporization with some intranasal absorption via the sinus cavity. My idea is to combine it with a build based on this: https://wiki.dmt-nexus.me/The_Machine
The center chamber having (stainless) steel wool inside that would rapidly heat up and have a very large surface area, very rapidly vaporizing all the DMT, which would be dropped in from a hole above, which you would plug/cover. Instead of a friend you simply have a "third lung" device, just something to hold air in, the oven bag end of my heat gun vaporizer setup would work, that you could then squeeze. On the other end the forked tubes, and you could add some silicone for a snugger fit to your nostrils. The entire thing could also be suspended using a simple setup, PVC pipes and something to hang it from, along with a weight that would pull back from the end away from you, so that if you broke through you wouldn't need to worry about setting it down, just letting go would pull it away from you and out of the opening of your nostrils.
Also watching Cocaine Cowboys for the first time. Some of these guys, the way they operated their business, were brilliant, ingenious. Just a half hour in, but this guy stands out to me: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mickey_Munday -
2016-01-16 at 12:39 AM UTC in The roshambo and sploo chronicles
Make up your own awesome terms.
That's originally from The Dark Knight. Unless you aren't (consciously) aware of this, either independently came up with it or just didn't realize where you originally heard it. -
2016-01-15 at 9:40 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionTheory finds that individuals with Asperger’s Syndrome don’t lack empathy – in fact if anything they empathize too much
https://seventhvoice.wordpress.com/2013/11/16/new-study-finds-that-individuals-with-aspergers-syndrome-dont-lack-empathy-in-fact-if-anything-they-empathize-too-much/
Looking back, this was the case for me. I may have just been so out of touch with my emotions, had become so closed off, that I didn't realize it. I was incredibly oversensitive as a child, and still am, despite my emotions being so blunted. My reaction to emotional pain was just to shut down and close myself off, it was completely out of proportion. Kind of amusing that beneath my demeanor I was more sensitive and easily hurt than anyone. At the root malice may have just been my form of lashing out, due to being in pain.
I was, and still am, extremely autistic. Unfortunately it was also combined with giftedness, which may have masked it to some extent, increased the chance of it being overlooked. I didn't have the environment I needed at all. Undiagnosed and unmanaged autism destroyed me. I'm not making excuses, normal people don't react to things and behave the way I did; I just came to terms to with it and reflected on my past, considered things from new and angles, with new knowledge. I didn't have the parents/family I needed, schools, guidance, therapy, support, environment in general. Most of my predispositions and behaviors that amplified the negative effects could probably be traced back to autism. Considering how out of touch I was with my emotions until my breakdown, I may have always been mildly depressed, even as a young child to some extent, worsening with time, and suffering, my stress levels and general anxiety from an overly intense world through the roof. The effects of chronic long term hypercortisolism, other effect of stress, and anxiety, are horrific. Permanent damage. It may have been to what led to be developing pre-diabetes, which I fortunately managed to recognize and control; and if it was the cause, it only demonstrates how insane my constant stress must have been. It's not a joke or whining, something you have to "get over" (I did, to a large extent, manage to reduce my symptoms) neurological disorders are fucked up. Imagine being on anti-xanax, a GABA antagonist, all the time, and that would only approximate one aspect of it.
It's hell, one of the worst disorders there is in terms of happiness and functioning, IMO, especially if untreated. My base state is still feeling that I don't want to be alive or part of this world, having a clear view of everything, the cold ugly reality, but I still decided to drag on. Can you realistically make up for two decades of experience and development, especially during such a critical period? Accepting humility, limitations of knowledge, and knowing that I may feel differently one day, are really all I have. That's it, there's nothing else. -
2016-01-15 at 5:23 AM UTC in How many Sploos could beat up a Malice?Sploo, I wouldn't beat you up, and my ability to beat you up, whether or not I'd be able to, is really of no importance. This is just for fun.