User Controls
Posts by Malice
-
2016-02-01 at 7:53 AM UTC in I've never had a single real conversation on this website
Lollipop lollipop oh lolli lolli lolli lollipop. *pulls dick out ouf your mother's cheek*PLOP*,
If you're ever receiving dome (head) from a girl and there's an opportune moment, start singing this softly and melodically. Very funny mental image. -
2016-02-01 at 1:27 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionHydro, §m£ÂgØL sounds like a really negative influence in your life. I don't know what to say. As I've said before, he really should be receiving psychiatric help and the earlier they intervene the better outcomes are. I'm getting treatment for depression, anxiety, and isolation; denying you have a problem isn't going to help things. I don't know what else to say.
Malice it is good to have family. so what's all this I hear about you looking for yours.
Just want to apologize, tell them I'm fine, explain what happened. -
2016-01-31 at 10:11 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition
On the other hand I was kind of an unhappy kid. Even for a good chunk of college I was, uhh, not depressed per se but I just didn't feel any "magic", one day was much like the next and I didn't particularly care about any of them, almost all the elements of my existence felt like a slog.
Hmm, related to a recurrent theme. Is it just due to severe depression and other factors, or have I simply gone too far and become the kind of person for whom there isn't really anything out there. The university system has many major justified criticisms. Classes I have no interest in and would prefer not to take, work I don't have any actual interest, find joy in doing, signaling (conformity, traits of an employee), people I'm not interested in. For the young and naive that can become enamored by the "college experience" it's fortunate that they can experience such a thing. Then again, I'd really just be using it as a stepping stone for recovery, intellectual stimulation, an outlet for creative energy, possibly some socialization, but would it really be sufficient, or would I just come away disillusioned?
Imagine Sisyphus is happy. We have the capacity for happiness, even if it's absurd and ultimately amounts to nothing, there can be a freedom in embracing it. Play the game, at least give it a try and try to enjoy it before checking out. But will this make me happy? Is it the best route?
For example, I think I looked through every club description at UC Berkeley, a very long list, and found not a single one that interested me. Is it just the state I'm in, the mentality, or something innate (autism spectrum and it's impact on cognitive style, empathy, socialization, conscious experience) that I'm unable to change? There's so much available, though, there may be something that interests me, in a non-depressed and anhedonic state. > Human relationships being a likely critical factor that have been missing from my life, not having understood the value of them due to a severe case of Asperger's, but I may be too alienated at this point to be able to "lose myself", forget for a moment, and really be able to enjoy them as others do. The cognitive style and worldview are just so innate and ingrained.
Well, psych appointment on Monday, aiming for Nardil. I didn't always feel this way about life, we'll find out if I've gone too far into the abyss.
Also, found my younger brother on Facebook. Passing on the message feels awkward, but it feels like something that needs to be done. Not sure if I want to be honest about my state or lie, the lie being potentially either negative or positive. -
2016-01-31 at 9:49 AM UTC in white powerWell, he has explicitly stated that he's a nigger lover.
I'm a nigger lover if there ever was one
-
2016-01-31 at 4:36 AM UTC in white powerThat's pretty sad, and of course I wish things had been better, but it feels good to know he knows what it's like to be a loser, help each other out. It's nice to have people you can relate to and be open with.
-
2016-01-31 at 2:49 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition
Anyone ever hear of ALKS-5461? In phase iii trials for treatment resistant depression , is a combo of bupe and some morphinan derivative THIS DRUG NEEDS TO BE APPROVED
I've mentioned it many times and agree, the results are spectacular, particularly for certain types of depression and symptoms that can be difficult to treat. IIRC it's being fast tracked and may be available later this year, possibly next. -
2016-01-30 at 10:49 PM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionYou can end up so alone it actually hurts and makes you feel afraid for the future. I reached that point because I honestly thought I didn't want or need other people and closed myself off to a extreme extent.
I like my acing the SAT, possibly ACT as well, idea, aiming for a perfect score if I still have it in me, but, honestly, I need some emotional support. I've been in a cycle of depression and isolation for over a decade, particularly these last 5 years. It's not whining, I would have been the last person to admit this, and it took me to the breaking point, but it really effects you when you've had absolutely no one in the world for so long. Being supported by your parents, assuming they aren't abusive, is really the best environment for this.
http://www.amazon.com/Loneliness-Human-Nature-Social-Connection/dp/0393335283The door got kicked in at a friends while i was on the run, got a year, served 6 months in a minimum joint. got out yesterday. 1 year parole, probably off in 6 months.
Doing decent though, still have my job, dad gave me the keys to a house he isnt using and an old car.
Stuck in the house untill first PO visit then im thinking its time for cocaine, whiskey, and some slutty bitches.
It's good to have family. -
2016-01-30 at 11:27 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionLanny, as to your SAT idea, I'd consider the option of taking a crash course and seeing what I score. It seems a helluva lot easier than I expected, although I do have a major age advantage. Also may have found a biohack that actually works, the most powerful demonstrated nootropic effect I'm aware of: https://www.reddit.com/r/Nootropics/...massive_gains/
If you haven't seen it before, try taking the test yourself, even cheat to get up to the levels I did (it's very easy to cheat) and you'll see how insane this result is. Top fraction of a percentile.
Take some before a serious memorization session of key components, experiment with practice tests to see if it effects your on average performance.
Especially if PRL-8-147 becomes available soon. Sweet jesus, I found the secret to unlocking the potential to PRL-8-53, which was already good enough, but the effects of this are genuinely unparalleled. I know I've talked about and hyped up nootropics in the past, but, to be honest, the vast majority I treat more like supplements, for overall health and function, and at most give a few percentage point boosts in some aspects. There few things that have an effect on cognition as powerful as this. Trust me, if PRL-8-147 ever comes out, it could change everything; the first nootropic with undeniable powerful effects in a healthy population. 2-fma definitely would have been good in your SAT days. Another thing is that phenelzine also seems to give a powerful boost to memory, along with it's potent antidepressant effects, ability to induce hypomania (gets shit done), and anxiolytic effect without the cognitive side effects of benzos (keep you chill so you don't choke, that was one thing that helped me score insanely high in elementary, I genuinely had a mindset where I didn't care, wasn't particularly concerned with the outcome, so I was never stressing over it, but still did it and enjoyed the challenge).
I wonder if they would let me sit like L:
Not to be a tryhard snowflake, I literally never sit normally and alternate between various positions. May be common among aspies/autistics, contorting yourself into dd positions that others would find uncomfortable. I'll need to look into whether I can get accommodations for being autistic. If I was able to take it alone in a quiet room to avoid sensory overload and being around other people interfering with my performance, I'd be golden, that's when I can fire on all cylinders. As for sitting, I could bring a pair of clean slippers specifically for that to change into and work it in as being part of the disability. -
2016-01-30 at 10:18 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionOh, memories: http://web.archive.org/web/201409301...672320/photo/1
Ha, Vibram Fivefingers, shorts, and a fanny pack.
I still had some potential, but it only took about a 1-2 years afterward to finally breakdown. I remember having a shroom trip afterward where I the theme was reflecting on this and feeling beneath everyone, having some visuals of being beneath the surface, somewhat transparent, but with a wide range of awareness, everyone passing me by, disconnected. I just couldn't feel anything, that was what I had really wanted, to be able to feel something. -
2016-01-30 at 9:29 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionYou reminded of something I thought of in bed before going to sleep, PoC,
which made me chuckle. I was actually profiled as a potential school shooter in high school. They had two police cruisers show up before a meeting with school staff and told me I showed "warning signs" and were considering having me hospitalized (I called their bluff), also told me they were going to require me to try to talk to at least one person (make a friend) and would be checking up with teachers to be sure I did (called their bluff again, never did, not sure if they knew).
I really just had a severe case of Asperger's, but could still hold my own in intelligent conversations. The principal, thin White woman who had been a former higher up in the military, not anywhere near as stern as the image this may create, said I was the most self-destructive person I had ever met. They brought up me being classified as gifted, which was apparently part of my school record, and she said something along the lines of intelligence often coinciding with eccentricity, but that there must be at least one person in the school I could relate to (I never even gave anyone a chance).
There was also this (White, female, 40s, could be bitchy/menopausy) Spanish teacher who once was present during one of the meetings as a translater, which wasn't needed. Before that I had barely talked, and with my monotonous voice, devoid of emotion, and cold eyes, hearing me have an actual conversation where I was holding my own against them must have unnerved her. A few times afterwards she would give a mild gasp when she saw me and say in a voice that clearly conveyed some fear, "Good morning/hello Malice". Before that there had been an event where a student she had had sort of an amusing mildly antagonistic/playful relationship with, him half-flirting with her at times, had asked her, "Mrs. X, what would you do if your daughter was raped?". I just started cracking up because of how stupid the scenario was, the question he had asked was, and the reaction. Afterward I was still chuckling and she said, "You have a sick sense of humor, Malice." I didn't correct her and clarify what I had been laughing at.
Ah, memories. I was one hell of a fucked up teen. Not being diagnosed and having had a proper intervention, treatment, really fucked me up, but I had my own views on things I just wouldn't budge on. Well, this is what it led to. -
2016-01-30 at 8:33 AM UTC in white powerAs I used to say to Tacho on Zoklet, you don't have to be White to accept the supremacy of the White race.
You also reminded me of this: http://www.amazon.com/The-Un-Civil-War-Confronting-African-American-ebook/dp/B00BMHY5R4
It's okay to hate niggers. Let's be honest, the reality is that by far the worst are massively disproportionately members of the black race, and of course not all blacks are niggers. Anyone who denies this is delusional, often they're people who've had no actual experience with them. -
2016-01-30 at 4:21 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition
Who alls still in? Is there a tinychat?
Oh, you're alive. Remember that teardown I did of you on RDFRN? Guess I ended up getting what I deserved. A sort of karmic/poetic justice.
https://www.reddit.com/r/Nootropics/comments/3u999j/toward_a_neurology_of_loneliness_the_neurological/
Meaningful relationships, love, kindness, fulfillment. A sense of connection and understanding, of belonging to something greater than yourself. It's really a shame, I didn't it to be true. -
2016-01-29 at 11:07 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionStarting the apology process. I wish I could apologize to everyone I shunned in middle and high school as well, but, well, they're bound to have forgotten by now. Well adjusted people aren't hurt nearly as easily and move on.
Contacted relative on facebook asking for parents information. I'm planning to tell them that I was undiagnosed with Asperger's, severely depressed (probably was depressed, or at least suffering from the start), should have been on therapy and medication, that middle school was when things began going wrong for me and I should have been applied to a school for the gifted (with my performance, particularly adjusted for background, I probably would have gotten in), I had attempted to commit suicide (practically did, social suicide), but am being rehabilitated, to forgive me, and that I love them, but wasn't in a healthy state of mind.
God it must hurt to have your child disappear without warning, leaving just a note, and never contact you again, to feel they didn't love or care about you, not knowing what happened to them afterward, and having good reason to worry about their well being.They weren't the parents I needed, that's part of why I left (I was one cold hearted son of a bitch, my emotions, attachments, ability to experience empathy and compassion, victims of a slow purposeful erasure (genuinely, I actually managed to do it because I saw them as weaknesses/flaws, to the point where I had detached myself so much from them over the years I genuinely never even thought about them until around 5-1/2 years after leaving when I had my mental breakown)), but they did love and care about me, despite the damage they did. The memories I have, I've posted some of them before. I remember RisiR telling me the story about my poor mother broke his heart. Hopefully not too much damage was caused. I actually do recall thinking that I had been a negative influence on the family dynamic (I was), and that they seemed to be growing closer and forming better ties with people, social relationships, and I did think that leaving behind the car my father had bought for me to be used by someone else, not being a financial burden on the anymore, would be a benefit. Hopefully it didn't hurt them too much, cause too much damage. Becoming angry or just having me fade from memory, I had been so closed off and detached, barely speaking to them unless necessary, would be much better. But the way I did it, I can just imagine a massive sinking feeling in the gut of a parent, a sense of panic, this black bile dropped within them.
Also may have possibly found my younger brother's facebook page. If it's him, he may have turned out alright. I really wondered how my sister turned out, she seemed to share some aspie traits with me and seemed to have a positive view of me when younger, but after my shutdown I never really spoke to her. I regret that, we seemed similar in some ways. Not sure what her academic performance was like, she didn't seem to be nearly as much of a slacker and seemed intelligent. Heredity, you know? I mean, just look at me at how bizarre I turned out to be. How have those genes manifested in other people. Oh, with 23andme I may be able to contact some genetic relatives (no idea who they are, generally there's no information given, but you can still message them), see how they turned out. The ones that are interesting will likely be drawn to services like those eventually.
Also, looking at the facebook of a well adjusted personality (Cousin, relative I contacted, was very friendly/bubbly and clearly wanted the D. I fapped furiously to the thought of her for some time afterward. Wincest.) it reminded me of how utterly bizarre a healthy social life compares to my level of reclusiveness. People just tend to be so fucking mundane and boring, and I'm boring too.
English dub:
"Now you understand."
"Yeah, I guess I do, I just wanted someone to save me."
"After all I lost, I got my humanity back."
I want to regain the humanity I shed and abandoned. Hopefully it's not too late. :' [ -
2016-01-29 at 10:02 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionYou guys should buy a gram of NSI-189 instead of benzos and other drugs. Hit him up: http://www.longecity.org/forum/user/25344-strangelove/
Also, I think it was not going to a school for the gifted (goddamn my inadequate parents and the education system) that by far could have prevented all this from being set in motion.
https://www.reddit.com/r/sanfrancisco/comments/3sdea5/sf_parents_urge_programs_for_gifted_highachieving/
https://www.nagc.org/resources-publications/resources/myths-about-gifted-students
Fucking leftists! I swear, there's a particularly vile and toxic subset of this ideology that's responsible for so much of the damage caused via political authority and cultural influence. -
2016-01-29 at 9:15 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionFuuuuark, NSI-189 does something fierce. I'm only taking 5mg 2x, 1/8th the standard dose, but it's potent! It seems to have this effect where it, unfortunately, kicks in at night and makes me feel somewhat hypomanic, although in a lopsided manner. Now I'm remembering what part of my problem was before I fully fell into this state. Actually, the damage was being done from the start, but even in my state, I was an infovore, I cared more about data than about people. That's part of the reason why I neglected the IRL, due to my incredibly autistic cognitive style I cared more about data/information than people, compared the benefit of online communication to IRL and the former seemed the rational choice due to having multiple advantages. But without an outlet, I just felt half asleep all the time.
It's like, I had all this tremendous potential energy, I've speculated that I may be hypomanic, but at the same time I...didn't have an outlet for it, it wasn't properly channeled? Thinking back, I definitely was able to go a mile a minute at times. Then there's the issue of not being able to derive pleasure in my current state, my psychological profile interfering with success and the normal drivers of man (women, status, culture, desire to make family proud, competition etc., I was anti all of those), then just draining the meaning out of everything. So I just went into this sort of stasis mode where I was half asleep and in my own mind, and who knows what it did to my neurological development, whether my brain still developed normally without really being fully pushed or engaged.
So it's like, I have all this energy, but at the same time, I don't want to do anything, the world feels inadequate for it? Or is it due to the factors I mentioned above, because of my current state? Seriously, I feel like I may not be able to be happy even if I'm happy. I just want to be able to kick back and chill, enjoy life like a surfer dude or something along that archetype, instead of feeling like I always need to be doing something. Although, maybe if I do find something I enjoy, actually give something a chance, I'll find that I'm actually a lot happier being engaged, in a state of flow, than I am now. That may be what programming feels like to you, Lanny. What's my equivalent of programming? Hypomanic entrepreneurial crime? If that's the case, I'd seriously like to team up with Casper and be the shadow king behind the operation, he can handle the IRL interaction and action; we'd be such a good team.
This brought me to another though I had overlooked. What is happiness? Is it really developed over a lifetime, can the capacity for it be permanently and largely damaged over a lifetime like mine, or can it be induced and modulated via pharmacological and technological mechanisms with a fairly rapid turnaround time?
Hmm, develop a stable/healthy base and make getting a high SAT score (even going as far as to utilize novel/creative ways of cheating and getting away with it) and make that my new goal, a game?
At the end of it, for now, it just interferes with sleeping and makes me feel...restless, yes, that's the word! This is completely uninteresting to anyone but myself, but here's one key bit of good information: If you have any disorder that may be alleviated by NSI (depression, damage caused by long-term stress/anxiety) and would like to get your old self back (countblah), give NSI-189 a try. Just a tiny amount may make a huge difference, and most people seem to notice something right away. Just a gram is so relatively cheap you'd be a fool not to try it, considering the lengths many people go to find an alternative, the potential cumulative/net benefits. It's the leading edge of antidepressant therapy. -
2016-01-29 at 8:13 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionhttp://wrongplanet.net/forums/viewtopic.php?t=275745
You ca be smart, autistic, and an absolute mess/failure. I wonder if I have executive dysfunction, or how much may be from severe depression and isolation, never having the right environment, life, I needed.
It's another recurring theme, wondering what could have been.
Reading some of these stories, it makes me feel good to know that there are a lot of other people that could have had enormous potential, but were incredibly damaged/flawed in other ways.
I seriously want to start meetups for people like this. "Smart losers", "failed geniuses". Completely unrelatable to the common man as well as to the successful/well adjusted intelligent. This would be great for a site like meetup.com, an unmet market.
I'm also wondering whether it would be a good idea to try to find an (older) woman to make a project out of me, try to take care of me, like some of the people in this category seem to have found. It's very possible, I have some funny stories related to that, despite my limited social experience. I don't know what the fuck they were thinking (women), but I regret not taking the chances now. -
2016-01-29 at 6:51 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionAlso, I wasn't joking about the possible autism spectrum/autistic traits thing (first 3 segments): http://niggasin.space/forum/better-living-through-chemistry/67-the-retarded-thread-fuck-§m£ÂgØL-made-one-first-edition?p=59789#post59789
But maybe it's just wishful thinking or projection. *shrugs*
I do remember you writing some time ago about worrying about ending up alone and miserable. Then there's the whole alcoholism thing, which could be covering up how you really feel, or, then again, maybe it just does simply make things better. I'm trying not to assume, project, paint an inaccurate portrait of you for whatever reason is driving me, I know it must be annoying as hell (potentially).
Oh, my point, and this is really all that matters, is that if there's one piece of advice I'd want to give you simply out of altruism, upon reflecting on my life, it's the value of meaningful relationships. I don't know how meaningful your past relationships have been and what your thoughts on marriage are (A lot I could say on this, how I've come to genuinely understand multiple viewpoints instead of fixating on the negative/my own inclination) or a life partner, if you find the odd gem who doesn't see the need for it (I do understand the allure of a commitment ceremony, and would never become involved with someone who wasn't willing to have a long rational discussion on important matters such as this), and you are at a young age, but...
Just don't end up alone, okay? You're successful and well adjusted enough that I don't think it's likely to be an issue, but you did state you've never felt any particular longing for company, among other things. In the past I would have been the last person to admit this, around my mid-teens I actually had the thought that if I ever met someone I fell in love with I should kill them and have literally coldly shunned and rejected every single girl that showed interest in me because of my bizarre views on life, but you're probably going to be all around much happier, stable, and do better in life if you find someone to truly, meaningfully, love and relate to. God I fucking hate the way that sounds and I still feel immense internal turmoil/resistance and resentment toward the idea, but it's the ugly biological reality.
It seems so fucking absurd that so many people are getting married and having children by their mid 20s, when they're still so relatively undeveloped. Still, if you're in a good environment to find someone special, don't let them pass you by. I honestly can't imagine what the kind of woman I'd want to love, if I make it past this point and am capable of it, would be like. -
2016-01-29 at 6:31 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionDefinitely agree on the last line. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Assortative_mixing
The ugly reality is, I'm about to be 26 and had a 2.0 GPA in highschool. Went to a shitty minority middle school in south central LA and that's when I lost interest. I was really autistic, and although I managed to come to terms with some things and reduce the severity, I'm still impacted by a lifetime of it.
Community colleges aren't necessarily that bad, but, IIRC, for the majority the outcomes are abysmal, something like on average only 10% transferred to and received a bachelor's within 4 years, something along those lines. The ones I'm referring to are specifically known for transferring to the UC system.
Another thing is teacher quality. IIRC there's actually an inverse ration between research or status and amount of time spent teaching. Truth is, the best academics generally don't want to spend most of their time teaching a bunch of stupid kids straight of high school, and most people, even in good 4 years universities, are fucking stupid. This will vary greatly by major though.
http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/gnxp/2012/01/classicists-are-smart/
Unfortunately, I don't have an affinity for the hard sciences. I actually like the social sciences, but by god, they tend to have the worst people! http://heterodoxacademy.org/2015/09/14/bbs-paper-on-lack-of-political-diversity/
I don't fit in anywhere. Do you see the general picture? I don't have the background and I'm extremely damaged from never having the right environment, intervention, and literally having been a severely depressed and socially isolated hikikomori for the past 5 years. I've really been in a spiral of depression and isolation for over a decade without realizing it.
I'm getting an extremely late start in life, and don't even have IRL social experience. I'm not kidding when I say everything went wrong. Finally snapping out of it and realizing what a nightmare I was in was what made it seem like my entire life had been leading to suicide.
Not sure if I could realistically get in on SAT alone at my point in life, at my current state, with everything that has been building up over a lifetime. Unless I milk the sob story angle, which is a genuine sob story. Minority, disabled, bad past...seems plausible, although pretty grimy to knowingly take advantage of it. -
2016-01-29 at 4:21 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition
You're all cute But I can't breathe all too very good, I think it's the weed but Ive taken 24mg if buprenorphine so far and I can't breathe all too very good There's 6 mg naltrexone of naloxone tincture it's fucking up my fiasco
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypoventilation -
2016-01-29 at 3:12 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionRecurrent theme in my thoughts, when reflecting upon my life: I can't fucking believe it. At this point I've spent nearly equal amounts of time open and in an emotionally closed off autistic state. And it was all triggered by feeling abandoned and betrayed by my only close friend from grades 3-7; it seems so absurd at this point that something so relatively insignificant could have lead to this.
There's a sort of karmic justice to it, though. I was a horrible/fucked up person, mostly internally, in terms of my desires and thoughts. I really feel badly about what I did to my parents, it was one of the things I kept replaying in my mind after my mental breakdown and surge in empathy and guilt. Checked Google street view and it seems the house my parents used to live at was demolished and replaced. I really wonder what happened after I disappeared about 7 years ago, particularly how my father reacted (kind of an odd guy, I can see a lot of myself in him). Pretty depressing if I'm never able to contact them again. The LA area is just so huge, if they're even there, and not knowing any relatives, being able to find anyone on social media or any other method for finding people. Fortunately I did find the profile of a cousin of mine, just one person, who may be able to ask their parents if they have their contact info (and they in turn could ask their network).
You really don't know how much people matter, even shallow relationships, from work, or family (even if you don't feel particularly close to them) until you lose everyone in your life for an extended period of time. I completely understand why normal people place so much value on, want, marriage and to start a family. As gay as in company, open/carefree and relaxed as in solitude; the value of intimate/meaningful relationships, being understood, sharing things with others.
It's just a bizarre and tragic situation to be in. It radically alters your perception of the world, the conscious experience. I wanted to go it completely alone, and it destroyed me. I should really be a case study, "Malice syndrome".
Also, a possible plan if I manage to overcome severe depression and the effects of isolation to a good enough extent:Board of Governors Fee Waiver (BOGW): The BOGW waives enrollment fees at California Community Colleges for California residents who meet specific requirements. BOGW recipients do not have to be enrolled in any minimum number of units and only have to complete one application to be covered for a full academic year.
To qualify, you must meet one of the following requirements:
Complete the FAFSA or Dream Act Application and demonstrate at least $1104 in unmet financial need.
Be a recipient (or, if dependent, have parents who are the recipients of) Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (TANF), Supplemental Security Income (SSI), or General Assistance.
Meet the income requirements by family size. Click here to view the income requirements for the 2015-2016 academic year.
Score! http://www.edsmart.org/top-community-colleges-california/
Possibly Diablo Valley or De Anza. Start off with a normal workload, see how I handle it, then full time, I mean max efficiency, every single day, which would be effective for recovery as well, then possibly transfer with a (genuine) sob story attached, possibly feasibly manage to make it through with a perfect GPA. I'd genuinely have no other obligations, but, fuck has this decade+ damaged me. I still had natural potential not so long ago that it makes me think it's impossible to claw my way back, it's just such an innate part of human experience, fortunately I wasn't isolated before that period as well and end up like Genie (feral child). If Nardil + NSI-189 can manage to kick me into hypomanic mode, it may be possible. Still, a lifetime of a lack of development and bad habits, never having the right environment, no emotional support...