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Posts by Malice
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2016-02-05 at 7:24 AM UTC in Have you ever rescued anything?
We passed the box. Immediately a fucking kid crawled out of it.
Dude, you could have killed a kid and gotten away with it. Forensics would have totally let you off. Imagine how satisfying the feeling would have been. "
Secretly, I really enjoyed knowing we killed a random kid; his stupidity only justified and made it sweeter in my mind. Knowing that beneath this facade I felt no remorse, in fact, the near polar opposite, a deep sense of satisfaction, of having broken an ultimate taboo, enjoyed the act, and come away without reprecussion...I wasn't sure if ordinary, mundane, reality could ever be satisfying again. Looking back, that was the point that started it all." -
2016-02-04 at 11:18 PM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition
I need to trip my asshole off. It is calling.
Do DMT. I'd like to see everyone with a good head try it at least once. -
2016-02-04 at 4:14 AM UTC in do i have the best life out of anyone here?
So I take it you're never going to retire? Or are you looking forward to a time when you can finally do so?
The data on retirement is actually pretty depressing, the amount of time spent watching television, what percentage don't feel adjusted to it, social network, sense of fulfillment/meaning etc.
Life consists of choosing between the best possible alternatives/choices, which are generally far from the ideal, if the perception of the ideal is even accurate or realistic.
Look through some of these quotes (I know, quotes...):
http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/cynicism“Scratch the surface of most cynics and you find a frustrated idealist — someone who made the mistake of converting his ideals into expectations.†― Peter M. Senge
“Life—the way it really is—is a battle not between good and bad, but between bad and worse†― Joseph Brodsky
"Whatever was out there, it couldn't have been worse than this turned out to be." One day it will hit you like a train that came out of nowhere, as it did to me, if you remain on this path. Mark my words. -
2016-02-03 at 10:26 PM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition
I'd like to give this NSI-189 a try but you said I'd have to buy it from some Greece dude on longecity. That's suboptimal. I can't find a European source and German customs don't allow the import from non EU states.
You'll be fine, just explain the situation to him and ask him to send it with a fake eBay invoice for something else that will get by without problems, some other powder. Besides, if it's sent in a standard envelope between some folded pieces of paper, which is what most darknet vendors use for many items, it's most likely going to slip by as they receive far less attention. -
2016-02-03 at 9:14 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionBrandy and coke with a bit of lime was my first drink. Tasty.
Oh, the heavenly sounds a female voice can produce. Thank you NSI-189, I had forgotten. Reversal of anhedonia, the hippocampus and emotion (blunted affect, reduced intensity and range of emotion); even seems to drastically reduce cortisol, which is hyper-secreted in about half of patients with major depressive disorder, IIRC. Other conditions can also lead to chronically elevated levels, chronic stress, producing very harmful effects in the long term.
http://www.longecity.org/forum/topic/58442-nsi-189/?view=findpost&p=760587 -
2016-02-03 at 8:31 AM UTC in The forced collective suicide of European nations
So the propaganda videos are kinda tasteless but I do have a certain odd sympathy for european nativists (is there a less loaded term to use here? I feel like "nativist" carries a pretty negative connotation). I have all the sympathy in the world for refugees of a war torn country but European populations have an actual of risk of losing meaningful viability in the future without the whole migration situation (ala Japan's age/birthrate crisis), unrestricted grant of asylum is frankly tantamount to genocide. Like we should honestly engage with that, genocide is not a priori impermissible, it may be a moral necessity sacrifice European cultures or parts thereof for the benefit of larger populations but I think it's disingenuous to act like white people are magically immune to the woes we regularly consider other native (and non-native but non-majority) populations to be subject to.
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2016-02-03 at 6:05 AM UTC in It's the Year of the Monkey^ I remember seeing that on a nature show. Monkeys are retarded.
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2016-02-02 at 10:37 PM UTC in The taste of Sulbutiamine
Seriously? Take some in your mouth and tell me that's not horrible.
Alright. Just did it, scooped some straight onto my tongue, swished it around. Pretty mild. Still holding it now.Sulbutiamine (brand name: Arcalion) is a synthetic derivative of thiamine (vitamin B1).
That's how I would describe the taste, I suppose. A type of (synthetic) vitamin, which is pretty vague. I really do think there's something wrong with my sense of taste and smell. -
2016-02-02 at 10:29 PM UTC in It's the Year of the Monkeyhttp://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/6825449/Taekwondo-monkeys-attack-trainer.html
Taekwondo monkeys attack trainerLo Wung, 42, taught the monkeys so they could entertain crowds outside a shopping centre in Nshi, in eastern China's Hubei province.
But the money-spinning primates turned the tables on their trainer when he slipped during a show, with one quick-thinking monkey flooring him with a kick to the head.
Hu Luang, 32, a bystander who photographed the incident, said: "I saw one punch him in the eye - he grabbed another by the ear and it responded by grabbing his nose. They were leaping and jumping all over the place. It was better than a Bruce Lee film."
At one point the monkey trainer grabbed a staff to hit the monkeys, only to find himself facing a stick-brandishing monkey that cracked him over the head.
He only managed to get the monkeys under control by tangling them up in the rope that had been used to stop them running off.
Mr Hu said: "He was really furious, he made the monkeys kneel on the ground with their hands tied behind their backs to punish them and make them show remorse for their nasty attack."
Remembered it from years ago. I wish someone had gotten it on film. -
2016-02-02 at 10:08 AM UTC in Have you ever rescued anything?
Then several years later, after having moved into the house of an abusive stepdad, my kitty was constantly harassed by my mothers new asshole yorkshire terrier. I would often slap it across the face because it would frequently corner my now aging kitty and terrorize her. I'll never forget the day when she had finally had enough from the traumatic move into a new house and the new addition of a dog, she jumped up onto my bed and had this look in her eyes like ''I've been with you since you were a young child. I love you, but its time'' Then she laid on her side and breathed heavily then died. I became a very angry teen after that.
Did that really happen? That's a good story. -
2016-02-02 at 10:06 AM UTC in I'm alone in Tiny Chat
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2016-02-02 at 9:30 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition
Sisyphus is the an icon of the worst possible state of being, if we can imagine him happy then it seems like we couldn't find a compelling reason not to be happy ourselves. In the absence of external meaning "best" stops really working in a semantic sense, it's subordinative to one's subjectivity. We get to choose what's the best route. If you can be happy rolling a stone up a hill forever then you can be happy at a day job or in college or whatever.
I actually think about this sometimes, how some things I love are incredibly boring to others. Sometimes I look at mathematicians and wonder what must have happened to them to make them like this, to enjoy what they do. Like shit, maybe I got tricked into rolling the stone up the hill and by force of will and social pressure came to love it. It's kind of a silly fear of course, if we buy into the premise it's not "tricked" since there's nothing that's not analogous to rock rolling and if you're twisted enough to like it then you've really hit the jackpot. But still, an amusing idea.
The more I've read and observed, come to realize, about human beings, life, myself, the more I've realized how illusory the notion of control is. Our mental states, how genes, neurotransmitters, biology, influence our actions, even our thoughts. I was never in control.
Drugs loosen the chains of biology and allow us to cast off the tyranny of the double helix. Remember that?
I don't think everyone is capable of taking control over their mental state, maintaining a state of happiness, free of suffering, in any state. Just look at my research on loneliness and social isolation: https://www.reddit.com/r/Nootropics/comments/3u999j/toward_a_neurology_of_loneliness_the_neurological/
Although I've thought about why some have supposedly been able to attain a state of nirvana/bliss/ecstasy in isolation and have a plausible reason as to why, and why autism may be one of the most unfortunate disorders/differences when it comes to capacity for happiness.
As to mathematicians, selection bias and systemization. I quoted something a few pages back about autism spectrum disorders and the prevalence related to certain fields, mathematicians scoring the highest on average autism quotient.
Related: http://volokh.com/2014/01/17/jonathan-haidt-psychology-politics/So what’s Haidt’s argument? His basic idea is twofold. First, that people do not rationally choose their ideologies. You do not come into the political arena as a blank slate and then just examine all the moral and consequential arguments for different policies and pick the one that is most “correct.†Instead, you come into the political arena with subconscious, largely unexamined psychological beliefs…
The second part of Haidt’s argument is that once you have subconsciously chosen your ideology (you don’t rationally choose what the important factors are) you also do not rationally and objectively weigh the evidence as to whether your ideological views are “correct.†Instead, people tend to subconsciously sift the information that they take in: you tend to overvalue evidence that supports your predispositions and dismiss evidence that is inconsistent with it. As a result, “evidence†becomes self-justifying.
Think of a stereotypical feeling/emotion driven type female psychology major. Something similar, you probably met or observed some stupid fucking people in college. Could you, by social pressures, put one with a high need for human interaction, with a cognitive profile completely mismatched for mathematics, and through social pressure reasonably expect them to one day enjoy it? I wouldn't count on it. Even if you did, there's still the question of whether they would be anywhere near as happy as they could be partaking in other activities. I was a a hyper-systemizing infovore, and I was so out of touch with my emotions I didn't even realize I was depressed until close to the breaking point, it took me a decade to realize I had been in a cycle of isolation and depression, damage from both, both skewing my worldview. I would have been much happier enjoying life like normal, well adjusted people, do. Do mathematicians experience the same emotional highs, the same satisfaction, happiness/joy, utility, as others. vivacious lovers of life dancing atop the social hierarchy? There's the question of how you would measure it, and it may be possible to come to a measurement that's close enough by monitoring brain activity, and my bet would be: Not even close. -
2016-02-02 at 8:17 AM UTC in The taste of SulbutiamineIt has a kind of funky flour type of scent. I seem to be able to handle anything without much complaint, although I do particularly dislike the taste of afinils, not to the point where I can't tolerate them, they're just my most disliked in terms of taste, noticeable above all the rest, and I've tried a very large amount.
I've speculated before that I may have an unusually weak sense of taste and smell (which can strongly impact taste). Not sure why, may be chronic sinus issues, possibly related to being on the autism spectrum > chronic (neuro)inflammation or overactive histamine, or possibly even testosterone.
For example, relative to your description, it isn't anywhere near as bad for me. This could also explain why I don't derive much pleasure from food, and even before this didn't derive that much pleasure from it. -
2016-02-02 at 8:04 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionRandom memory: One time, years ago, I was walking home from the gym late at night (used to go after midnight regularly and would often be the only one in the weight dungeon) in Berkeley and these two raccoons were on the sidewalk and froze, staring at me. I kept walking toward them, expecting them to move, but they never did, and eventually I just crossed the street to avoid the chance of being mauled.
Those raccoons fucking made me their bitches! >:[ -
2016-02-02 at 7:34 AM UTC in Have you ever rescued anything?Aww, MQ loves his kitty. :o <3
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2016-02-02 at 6:45 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition
Ah, definitive drinking playlists. -
2016-02-02 at 6:28 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionAlso, Lanny, requesting some advice. I hope you note that you should be flattered I value and specifically seek out yours.
If I wanted to become an IRL Macguyver, what do I study? In a healthy state I'm naturally an infovore and capable of pouring constant hours, day after day, thousands upon thousands of pages, countless questions and ideas, into understanding and developing something I'm interested in.
I had a memory brought back last night, possibly by NSI-189, along with another I can't recall at the moment. I remember going to Fry's Electronics with my father as a child and wanting a robotics kit they had, but I never felt comfortable asking my parents for much. I hardly asked them for anything. Related to that, christ, how didn't I notice how empty my life had begun to feel? I was just so detached, even from myself, my own feelings and life, memories; I remember specifically determining one day in my teens that memories were a waste of "storage space" and shouldn't be valued, possibly something about a negative viewpoint of fixating on the past, shadows of experience instead of moving forward.
Anyway, say I wanted to create a (darknet) drug empire with someone and desired various contraptions for home defense, smuggling, manufacturing, maybe even a few robots/modifications or conglomerations, gadgets, things of that nature. Getting a degree in mechanical engineering would be incredibly inefficient, too much fluff, and it's common for people in many fields to say that they learned more in x time on the job than they did the entire time in school. Not necessarily creating everything from scratch, that isn't necessarily realistic (with 3D printers, maybe) or desirable (specialization, opportunity cost/comparative advantage, buying pre-made parts), just something pragmatic, that gets shit done, you know?
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2016-02-02 at 5:51 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition
You know, I don't remember the point I went from hating alcohol and hating being drunk, to enjoying it and drinking 2 bottles of wine or so a day. Weird life.
Went to Grocery Outlet and picked up some vodka this time. After taste of dirt, but that aside, I can see why people like alcohol. It's nice, some relaxation/anxiolysis, a warmth that can flow through you (physiological change related to this IIRC), some pro-social aspects, a sort of happy-laid back feeling and smile.
We should get drunk together one day, Lanny. You too, RisiR, you said you're coming to the states one day. Drunken video games? Something like the Wii, Mario Party or Mario Kart. -
2016-02-02 at 4:41 AM UTC in I'm alone in Tiny Chat
Actually I'll probably just kill myself either way but if Lucy shows up I'll at least wait a few minutes and make it more dramatic.
https://www.reddit.com/r/Nootropics/comments/3u999j/toward_a_neurology_of_loneliness_the_neurological/
Meaningful human relationships (IRL!), something to give you a sense of fulfillment. Get Nardil prescribed, move back in with your parents and go (back?) to college if you need to. -
2016-02-02 at 4:12 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionI cannot fucking believe it took me over a decade to realize I was lonely and starving for company, meaningful discussions/relationships, with intellectual equals, and needed something to provide a sense of fulfillment. Just walking down downtown Oakland it feels so fucking absurd that I holed myself up for so long and didn't realize what I was missing out on. I just had this incredibly, unbelievably, autistic cognitive style, the wrong environment, and various other factors, predispositions, that led to this. In a way isolation made me who I am and had some benefits, though. In the past I've said that Malice doesn't exist IRL, before that thought that if I could just bridge the gap between who I was online and IRL. I know exactly what went wrong and why, how it effected me, the predispositions that led to it, the interplay between environment and biology. I also know exactly what I need to do. Fuck college, I don't regret not going, I hate school, it has massive conflicts with my personality traits and there are legitimate criticisms against it, I would have had no interest in the vast majority of people or classes, and I'm not interested in a degree or a job I can receive with one. What I do regret is the lack of personal relationships. At least if I succeed it will be almost like experiencing the world, so many things for the first time, except as an adult. I can imagine it just being mindblowing, almost like taking a child out to see the wonders of the world.
Seems I'm going to get Nardil (Yes!), the wonder drug/miracle worker I need. I really like my psychiatrist. Not going to link to her website profile, but she has an interesting background. It feels so good to just be in that setting after such a long period of being alone, I was just starving for company and didn't realize it. There's a nice womanly aspect as well, in a strictly platonic manner. Human warmth.