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The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition
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2016-01-18 at 9:55 PM UTCI'm not familiar enough with Ayn Rand to argue that comparison but Zarathustra is clearly just a mouthpiece for Nietzsche. I can see your point. I'm laying on my floor right now fucked up on benzos trying to relax my muscles so I really can't get arsed to link to wonderful Nietzsche quotes but the dude really helped me stay alive. Of course I disagree with many things he said.
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2016-01-18 at 9:56 PM UTCWriting that was a workout.
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2016-01-19 at 6:15 AM UTCMalice, you and Lanny should definitely hook up. I would suggest getting a third person or a fleshlight though, getting fucked in the ass alone is... not very appealing. When I got reamed I was also fucking and it was pretty pleasurable even though I couldn't cum due to opiates. I'm glad I tried it but honestly don't think I want to deal with any more dicks again. I might if I really liked a guy but I definitely wouldn't go looking for gay sex like I did before.
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2016-01-19 at 7:29 AM UTCYou know, I was just thinking, ya'll are the most faggiest faggots I know and my new coworker is openly gay. Hell, even I have got more pussy in my life than some of ya'll.
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2016-01-19 at 7:57 AM UTCYou've had a lesbian experience? Oh, I think I might vaguely recall something about you being (nearly) blacked out some benzo and waking up to someone sucking on your tits or something, possibly playing with your bits. It's rape, and that's not okay, but in a completely unempathetic way that scenario was awesome.
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2016-01-19 at 8:50 AM UTCDoes anybody here like milksteak? Looking for a good recipe.
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2016-01-19 at 6:55 PM UTC
You know, I was just thinking, ya'll are the most faggiest faggots I know and my new coworker is openly gay. Hell, even I have got more pussy in my life than some of ya'll.
I'm super not a faggot, bro. Check yourself before you wreck yourself. -
2016-01-19 at 6:56 PM UTCDoes anyone here like §m£ÂgØL?
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2016-01-19 at 6:57 PM UTC
Does anyone here like §m£ÂgØL?
I actually, kinda do to be honest.
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2016-01-19 at 6:57 PM UTCKill yourself.
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2016-01-20 at 12:40 AM UTCUmm... firat mistake you made there is that I dont have the equipment to be your 'bro'. Secondly, I was refering to the collective. If your not a fag, you sure as fuck surround yourself on this forum in deep seeded faggotry (which is lulzy tbh). As for liking §m£ÂgØL.. he spent a month at my house, had a threesome with me and him got me pregnant and came back while I was still pregnant and stayed for a while... we are good friends, so yeah, Id say I like §m£ÂgØL. Malice, yeah I did have several occaisions of being really drunk and with this older woman (she was pretty, fairly thin and was 29 when I was 17). The instance youre recalling of was when my ex's brother fucked me with her. I was really fucked, mixed way too much benzos with liquor. It was bad. Honestly, it all was preasured. Ahe was my sugar momma and when I was in a bad plsce she showed me love I was desparate for. That was a weird time i my life. If anytjing she was very against me getting back with my now Ex husband. I still talk to her fromtimeto timeshe was a fullblownalcoholic back then. Now she just smokes pot. Shit we did allsorts of crazy shit in the day. There is a song by Gnarles Barkely- crazy. That song sums up that period in mylife.
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2016-01-20 at 5:30 AM UTCBeing gay would be pretty cool. Getting laid would be a lot easier at least.
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2016-01-20 at 6:03 AM UTCYou really reach an odd state of mind when you genuinely lose all the normal driving forces, desires, of a human being. Genetic, biological/neurological, due to my environment, life history/past events, psychological/worldview; I really don't know what proportion of each is responsible for this. I undoubtedly developed abnormally.
The zero point.
Sex/women, relationships, foods, material goods, social status etc. Severe anhedonia. Disillusionment. It began with detaching and isolating myself, withdrawing, systemizing the human race, their behavior, society, existence, my own life, then finally myself. At some point you just have to accept that your brain is functioning abnormally and you have to fight against your self-destructive instincts, act without a natural desire, even if it ultimately seems pointless/futile, and that you would likely feel differently if you weren't so depressed. Even if you accept the lack of genuine control, become a puppet that can see your own strings, it will at least allow you to continue to live until a point where you may attain something...more, having accepted a position of humility, the limitations of yourself and accepting that your views/data may be flawed.
It's like examining the world around yourself as a robot/artificial intelligence and deciding there's no rational reason to continue to exist. I suppose you could say I want to regain my humanity so I can be able to sustain what's likely an irrational action, the decision to continue living. Emotions evolved for a reason. I really do not feel normal, it's just a sort of...emptiness that pervades everything. If you could be momentarily transported into my body you'd understand. "Oh, so this is how it feels like to be Malice." Then the contrast with your own life (this scenario is very flawed, unrealistic, let's just bypass that for this thought experiment), imagining that this would go on forever, you'd always be trapped in here until death or some intervention/alteration (hopefully) caused you to feel differently, would probably make you panic, become an extremely traumatic and depressing memory, possibly cause the minds of some to shatter. I wonder if it's fortunate that I don't really have a single strong memory, a good reference point for normality/a healthy life/happiness, or a real sense of attachment to my own life/self; if I did the memory of what I had lost, as opposed to only being able to imagine what I missed out on, could have driven me to suicide by this point.
This is a period of stasis. Meeting with a psychiatrist = accepting the need for external intervention, other people in your life, that you can't do it alone, live alone, and are unsure if you can really trust your own judgments and actions at this point. -
2016-01-20 at 6:11 AM UTCHave you ever, while looking at porn, masturbating, thinking about sex, attempting to attain it (general process involved), or even while engaging in it thought, "This is really stupid. This is the basis of so much of what drives us. Tab A going into slot B. Sperm and egg, genes, traits, heritability, separateness and competition, the gene centric view of evolution.
Pseudo-profound. There's nothing particularly deep, insightful, or novel about any of this, it's been repeated countless times, who knows how far back the first recording occurred. When you're happy you normally don't think about why you're happy, what anything amounts to, the futility, illusion of control etc. I wonder if there's ever been a truly, joyously happy and fulfilled person, devoid of mental illness (Difficult to quantify. Could you commit what I'm suggesting without being mentally ill?), who decided to commit suicide based on pure reason. "I don't want to play this game anymore." -
2016-01-20 at 8:45 AM UTCTalent in autism: hyper-systemizing, hyper-attention to detail and sensory hypersensitivity
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2677592/Participants were administered the Freiburg Visual Acuity and Contrast Test, a standardized optometric test that uses the Landholt-C optotype (Bertone et al. 2003). The gaps in the C-shape range from 0.4 to 25 mm and appear in one of four positions: up; down; left; or right. Participants sat at a fixed distance of 60 cm from the computer screen and identified the location of the ‘missing’ part of the C-shaped stimulus by selecting one of four arrow keys on the keyboard. Participants had 3 s to respond on each of the 150 trials. The results generated a Snellen decimal, where a value of 1.0 represents ‘normal’ 20 : 20 vision (Heaton et al. 2008). A score of 20 : 10 is regarded as excellent vision, and means an object normally detected at 10 feet can be detected at 20 feet. Thus, Snellen values above 1.0 represent increasingly accurate vision, and values below 1.0 represent worse vision. The ASC group scored a mean acuity measure of 2.79 (s.d.=±0.37), which was significantly better than the control group mean of 1.44 (s.d.=±0.26), t(40)=4.63; p<0.001. The Snellen score of 2.79 for the ASC group represents acuity 2.79 times better than normal, and translates to vision of 20 : 7. This approaches the range reported for birds of prey.
Birds of prey. Cool.
Autism, hypersystemizing, and truth
http://anthro.vancouver.wsu.edu/medi..._and_truth.pdfThe hypersystemizing theory
of autism spectrum conditions (ASC) proposes that people with ASC have an unusually strong
drive to systemize. This can explain their preference for systems that change in highly lawful or predictable
ways; why they become disabled when faced with systems characterized by less lawful change;
and their “need for sameness†or “resistance to changeâ€. If “truth†is defined as lawful patterns in data
then, according to the hypersystemizing theory, people with ASC are strongly driven to discover the
“truthâ€.
The Intense World Theory – A Unifying Theory of the Neurobiology of Autism
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3010743/The positive consequences are exceptional capabilities for elementary and specific tasks while the negative consequences are impairment of holistic processing, a rapid lock to a limited repertoire of behavioral routines, which are then repeated obsessively.
The autistic person may also become locked into powerful memories that are difficult to correct or extinguish and that dominate every-day life. Quick and almost arbitrary association building based on enhanced perception of sensory features paired with excessive internal emotions – positive or negative – may rapidly lock the person down into behavioral routines. A failure to extinguish such associations may underlie the insistence on sameness and obsession with routines and may make rehabilitation difficult.Enhanced fear memory formation and a progressive generalization of fears could have major consequences on behavior and account for inappropriate reactions to the environment, sudden and apparently inexplicable anxiety attacks, loss of the finesse required in social interactions, and phobias. Over-generalization may also accelerate the progression in autism by more rapidly limiting the repertoire of safe stimuli, environments, and situations. While deficits in extinction were previously observed in autistic children (Mullins and Rincover, 1985; Sears et al., 1994; Coldren and Halloran, 2003) and may lead to preservation tendencies observed in autism, fear extinction was never studied in autism. If present, a deficit in extinguishing acquired fear in autism would make it more difficult to relinquish old fears that are no longer relevant or justifiable. This deficit combined with longer-lasting fear memories that are also over-generalized, could lead to a progressive and irreversible reduction in the repertoire of acceptable stimuli and drive a complete lock down and blanketing out of what would rapidly become a painfully intense world.
Over sensitivity to negative social events, strong memory encoding, particularly of these amplified events, OCD traits cause a obsessive fixation on these, replaying in the mind repeatedly, increasing/cementing trauma, painfully intense world in general, leads to withdrawal and detachment, begins systemizing as a coping mechanism or due to natural predispositions, influenced by the isolated state, avoidance leads to less likelihood of positive events, detachment and resistance, difficulty reciprocating and prolonging interaction, possibly an ingrained negative perception of others leads to less impact from any positive, social isolation increases sensitivity to negativity and aggressive/irritable demeanor, also influenced by painfully intense world (like a grimace from chronic pain) and negative/hostile perception of others, decreased/atrophied/undeveloped social skills and abnormal behavior/idiosyncrasies, superficial physical appearance/demeanor, increase likelihood of negative events. A vicious cycle develops.
I understand the system. Like the mechanic understand the engine, I can come to understand the brain and mind. Understand the system, you understand/can develop the optimal treatment/repair. Nardil's serotonin boost is excellent for OCD and it is also the gold standard for anxiety (along with being a fantastic antidepressant and all the other related benefits the other monoamine boosts), helping with a possible GABAergic deficit, which could be augmented by gabapentin/pregabalin, also providing a muscle relaxant effect (rigidity can be a symptom) and possibly reducing excessive synapse formation, or low dose klonopin, which may normalize function in the autistic, if there's an irregularity in the system not remedied by simply increasing GABA concentrations in the brain, memantine regulates the glutamatergic/NMDA system, normalizing some aspects, reducing the intensity of the world and excessive glutamatergic signaling (which may cause multiple other problems, contribute to depression, OCD, exito/neurotoxicity, neuroinflammation), botox (interesting information about it and its efficacy for depression) to prevent negative/aggressive facial depression helping with therapy/rehabilitation/reintegration/establishing social ties, a good curcumin source for strong effects on neuroinflammation, some insulinergic regulation, glutamate normalization, antidepressant effect, phenibut, when properly used (sustainably) may further reduce anxiety and fear response, multiple other social and cognitive benefits, or fasoracetam as an alternative, NSI-189 for a positive impact on the hippocampus, atrophied by chronic stress, depression, other maladies, improvements in mood, memory, cognition emotions, positive effect on amygdala, excellent adjunct for therapy/reprogramming and adult hippocampal neurogenesis is related to forgetting (of negative memories, fears/phobias), reversal of detachment, possibly add some other substances as an adjunct for exposure therapy in particular, such as d-cycloserine, others researched for potential for fear extinguishment. Maybe even experiment with rapamycin/sirolimus or everolimus for normalizing synaptic pruning, maybe even suramin, available from Fisher Scientific and the only real risk seeming to be from standard prolonged usage for sleeping sickness, as opposed to a single IV infusion for autism, the effects lasting around 3 months IIRC.
Let's cure some autism.
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2016-01-20 at 9:05 AM UTCHey, I just had a thought, why aren't terminally ill children (voluntarily) used for experiments that would otherwise be considered unethical? Goddamn irrational emotional evocation and attachment with strong innate/evolutionary ties, and fucking women/mothers in particular, although the dads are bound to be irrationally resistant as well, to a lesser extent.
What I mean is, if something might cause cancer or kill them, lead to horrible effects years down the line, who cares? Or what if they're so drugged up they can't even feel anything and are barely conscious. Alter their brains. This could lead to a rapid acceleration in the identification of causes/the basis of disorders and treatments. -
2016-01-20 at 10:31 AM UTC
Have you ever, while looking at porn, masturbating, thinking about sex, attempting to attain it (general process involved), or even while engaging in it thought, "This is really stupid. This is the basis of so much of what drives us. Tab A going into slot B. Sperm and egg, genes, traits, heritability, separateness and competition, the gene centric view of evolution.
Pseudo-profound. There's nothing particularly deep, insightful, or novel about any of this, it's been repeated countless times, who knows how far back the first recording occurred. When you're happy you normally don't think about why you're happy, what anything amounts to, the futility, illusion of control etc. I wonder if there's ever been a truly, joyously happy and fulfilled person, devoid of mental illness (Difficult to quantify. Could you commit what I'm suggesting without being mentally ill?), who decided to commit suicide based on pure reason. "I don't want to play this game anymore."
You post at PoC about "before you off yourself you should try MYSTERY_DRUG_OF_THE_WEEK" incessantly, so I feel no guilt in demanding that you, at some point before you die/get yourself committed, read and earnestly try to understand the work of Camus. The Stranger (like an 80 page novella, you can read it in a day), The Myth of Sisyphus (an essay, like a 20 minute read), and some accompaniment resource (textbook, cliffnotes, SEP (the good choice), or even wikipedia) should cover it. This is like a weekend project, maybe less with your autism powers.
Like 90% of what you post in your depressive rants are exactly the problems Camus grappled with. He was a really interesting dude. What we remember about him most is early death, womanizing, and shitflinging with Sarte but he was a really interesting character in a very different way. While we imagine him to be the embodiment of vivacious living, he wasn't just born with an urge to live life to the fullest. His most famous quote is "There is only one really serious philosophical question, and that is suicide" which opens The Myth of Sisyphus. Everything we know about the man suggests he really would have killed himself if, at the end of his philosophical inquiry, he hadn't found any compelling reason to live. If denial of the survival instinct isn't systemization then I don't know what is. Camus was a rational thinker first, and a lover of life second. And yet he seemed genuinely on top of life. He proposes a means by which we can view the world simultaneously honestly (i.e. tremendously wrong in so many ways) and worthwhile (worthy of our attentions, capable of satisfying us on the deepest most meaningful levels). If you don't think that's possible (the gist of pretty much every post you've made) then that's fine but you should actually read the nigger before dismissing the notion. If you're half as much of a robot as you say you are you should have the good sense to do at least that much. -
2016-01-21 at 12:03 AM UTCI agree, it's the biological basis that's the problem. The way it's impacted my development, needing an entirely different life than I had, particularly during such a critical period, the neurological effects and the basis of autism etc.
I accepted that nothing was going to change without other people, until I accepted the need for them and help, external intervention. Meeting with a psychiatrist in a few days and being open about everything. There are some good programs for those on the autism spectrum in the area, so I could have a good basis for recovery.
You have to realize that this has really been two decades, particularly the last decade, of an incredible amount of damage. I was prediabetic at one point, experiencing massive brain fog from hyperglycemia after meals, possibly with its impact on neuroinflammation as well, despite being at a healthy weight and having a reasonable diet. Unless it was due to food sensitivities or genetic basis (both my parents were thin, it didn't seem to be a problem in my family), it may have been due to hypercortisolism, which would mean my stress levels must have been insanely high for this to occur, and there are also very worrying studies about the permanent neurological damage it can cause.
It's been building up over a lifetime. All I'm getting at is, there's a physical basis, and changing my worldview isn't enough to cause me to be happy. In fact, it was likely the inverse, my psychological/emotional state, likely being depressed and suffering since this began over a decade ago, that led to me developing such a negative worldview. Negative emotional state > negative thoughts and fixation, particularly when ostracized, alienated, and having an environment that you feel negatively and resentful towards, a lack of a healthy reference point from your autistic bubble and skewed worldview.
It's just an absolute mess. I really should stop posting about and focus on recovery. -
2016-01-21 at 12:31 AM UTCSup. I usually avoid this thread like the plague but the rest of the site is dead.
So, got vyvanse refilled. Still binging on it, about 5 pills a day because I have NO self control.
My dad smokes weed now and he shares with me so my mood is better than its EVER been, cannabis is a good tier mood stabilizer.
Also lamictal or something.
also heres a good song
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2016-01-21 at 1:11 AM UTC
Being gay would be pretty cool. Getting laid would be a lot easier at least.
It would be especially easy where you live.
I know I've joked around in this community a lot in the past about being gay, but hydro's husband really did fuck me in the ass. One thing that I've found interesting about telling people I am bisexual is that they will try to hook me up with somebody just because I'm gay. Hetrosexuals very rarely get hooked up together by friends but I'm seeing that it's common for people to wanna hook up gay friends. I've stopped telling people I'm bisexualish because it makes it hard to joke around with some people. It's funny, I never lie about it, but everybody just assumes I'm fucking around.
