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Posts by hydromorphone
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2018-11-23 at 4:19 AM UTC in I'm not dead yet, unfortunately...In certain situations, as mentioned above by techno, yes, they can sedate a patient to get an MRI. In my particular case, it's because I'm in too much pain to stay still for a 3 hour MRI. I only managed 20 minutes the last try. Depending on the results, I may be doing surgery soon too. They want to drill into my upper femur bone. Apparently, they believe it's spread from the CT scans they got.
Not sure what I'm gonna do though.
Edit: oh, and I just IVed 2mgs of kolonopin dissolved in a small amount of alcohol and thinned out with a shit load of water. Old guy gave me a couple, along with some oxycodone (though those are long gone.) meh, I feel pretty chill right now. Not anxious as I was before at least. Thank God for nice people who share drugs. -
2018-11-23 at 2:09 AM UTC in I'm not dead yet, unfortunately...
Originally posted by Odigo Messenger - Now With Free 911 Service Yeah? You always talk like a Doctor, and always did.
Not that many patients can name their problems or the drugs they are on. The whole thing with the syringes and all.
You're play acting as a Doctor half the time. I'm sure you're smarter than most of them, which isn't too much of a brag, most Doctors are really fucking dumb.
It's a real shame that you let your brain get hacked by opium.
I agree, most doctors are retards. For an example, they'd rather sedate me for an MRI, than actually just treat my fucking pain... It's fucking stupid. There's a much higher risk of death/complications associated with sedation, rather than just giving an opiate dependent person, who has a fucking record of receiving high doses of dilaudid, just the dose they would need to be out of pain.
I don't claim to be exceptionally smart, but I do know a thing or two about medicine/treatment, especially that in an emergency situation. It's a passion of mine. I wanted to be a doctor way back, and if certain things didn't happen to me, I might have actually have done it. That ship has sailed though.
It's a shame I ever encountered chronic acute pain. That's the real heart of the issue. Opiates/opioids just have aided me in a semi-functional life when they've been there, and hell when not. -
2018-11-22 at 11:06 PM UTC in I'm not dead yet, unfortunately...
Originally posted by Odigo Messenger - Now With Free 911 Service Are you ruining your body just to get opiates?
Or do you just like medical environments?
I hate medical environments/hospitals with a passion.
I am not ruining my body just to get opiates, I just have a lot of health issues. I had MRSA back in May/June, and it got into my knee joint (septic joint), and femur bone (osteomyelitis), and I had a blood infection on top of that (septic). I nearly died. I don't take blood products, and my hemoglobin got down to 1.9 (a normal person's is between 10-12). 3 surgeries later, and Ive been in excruciating pain ever since. Took me a long time to even get walking again, which is is still hard, painful, and I can't go very far or fast, and need a cane, and often my knee will give out.
I just wnat to die. At least not be in pain, which is the only reason I was even convinced to come to the hospital in the first place. I've been cheeking my blood thinner (xarelto) they have me on, because fuck it... I don't want to fucking live and I hope this blood clot kills me. I've also been disconnecting the IV antibiotics they have me on and letting it drip into the trash (I usually resent the machine to go faster so I can get it over and done with quicker and be hooked back up before the nurse returns). They aren't treating my pain very well, but the dulaudid I do get, I cheek, shake up in a flush syringe, and IV.
I just want to be out of pain and die. I don't want to live. I pray all the time that this shit just kills me. Fingers crossed that it will sooner rather than later.
To whomever said they'd kill me, bring it on. -
2018-11-22 at 3:31 AM UTC in The site sucks more than ever. Why you do me like that?I'm sure you'll hate this post too, but I still love you, Risir.
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2018-11-20 at 6:49 AM UTC in Share one good quality about yourself.I'm pretty generous. I have a lot of empathy for others. I'm pretty honest, when it comes to the people I care about.
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2018-11-20 at 6:43 AM UTC in So, my mom passed tonight.My heart genuinely goes out to you and yours. I mean it when I say, I wish I could trade places so your mom could be here with you (assuming shes not suffering, and actually wants to continue living), and well... Someone worthless like me could be dead rather than someone who loves and has family who loves her, and most likely a reason to keep living.
I'm sorry it's so hard, especially with the timing too. It completely changed my world when my dad died. He was my best friend, and well... Only real parent I've had...only real family I've had, aside from my son, and a few close friends,and he was closer to me than all of them. I truly sympathize for what you're going through, Hamp. I wish I could do or say something to make it better, but... Unfortunately I can't... Some people say time heals all wounds... I not so sure about that, as I have a lot of wounds in my heart, including my dad dying, that still are yet to heal, but maybe with more time... I don't know.
Be well, Hamp. I'm truly sorry this happened. -
2018-11-20 at 4:56 AM UTC in I'm not dead yet, unfortunately...
Originally posted by mmQ Hey 'dro I can't say much by way of advice but I'm probably not out of order I thinking that at this point it SEEMS evident that you are in fact, crying for help. No? What with the degree of pain and turmoil you seem to discuss in your past and current situation, and this supposed desire to die, one can only think that if you haven't yet bought the bus ticket it means you don't actually want to ride the bus and you have some dangling hope left. Is that accurate or?
I was nagged by others to come to the hospital in the first place, and only came due to the sheer level of pain I'm in. I do wish to die, I just don't want to be in pain.
I really can't understand, after the shit I've tried, why I'm still alive here now. I know others who have died from what I've done. I can't explain it. It's like a nightmare everytime I wake up still breathing. If I could find my maricaine, despite the amount of pain it'd cause, I'd IV that and just be done with it, and that's a damn sure fire way to go, even in a hospital with every measure they have to save lives.
One day I'm gonna go though. We can't live forever, just there's a lot of pain along the way, and that's what I'm trying to avoid. -
2018-11-20 at 4:40 AM UTC in I'm not dead yet, unfortunately...After leaving the hospital, my legs were killing me as I was walking. Walked for a while without seeing a bench or any where to sit, and finally came across this guy who was sitting on a low brick wall. I asked if he minded if I sat down there with him for a few minutes just to take a break and get off my feet. Hell, my knee gave out on me 5 times since I'd been walking too.
He welcomed me and we got talking. He is homeless, and staying at a shelter. He was waiting outside for a guy to bring him back dope. I'd explained what was going on, and why I left. He seen my legs, and how swollen they are, with puss draining and soaking through my white hospital pants I've got on. He said that when his dude got back that he'd fix me up, which he did. He gave me a pill of some of the best dope I've had, at least in the area, and it was just as good as the shit 1337 gave me before. While we were waiting, he was smoking Crack.
This dude literally was my guardian angel. After he gave me that bit of dope, he literally walked me a little under a mile to another emergency room, letting me hold his arm for balance, and he literally stopped traffic so I could cross and get there as fast as possible. He waited with me a while, bought me a soda and snack from the vending machine, and most likely missed the curfew of the shelter he was staying in just to do what he did for me, some complete stranger on the street.
He restored my faith in humanity, that there are good people out there. Just goes to show you that even some crackhead on the street can do something truly, amazingly good for their fellow human being who's in need. He said he'd come visit me too, tomorrow,knowing I'm over a hundred miles away from home, and anyone who even would visit me.
There are good people out there. I'm not dope sick because of a good Samaritan, and made it to another hospital, which I know if never have made it without his help.
I left the other hospital because firstly, they were under treating my pain. Secondly, after they'd stuck a needle in my knee yesterday, the asshole doctor left two 20ml syringes (no needles just the syringes still sealed in the packages) on the counter. The attending doctor came in while I was getting a bone scan and saw them, and assumed I was using drugs for some idiotic reason. (wtf would I do with a 20ml syringe- not to mention, it was still sealed, and there wasn't even a needle). The two student doctors who came to talk to me about it believed me, but they wanted me to do a UA- I did it just to show them, and so fucker knows he fucked up and was an ass, but I'm not going to stay somewhere where they're gonna treat me like shit, and punish me for something THEY did, they forgot their shit and left it there, and I thought I was doing the right thing by leaving it alone, where he left it. Fuck them. They can suck my cock.
I just hope I fucking die. I'm here strictly for pain meds. If they don't treat my pain properly, I'm out of here. -
2018-11-20 at 2:55 AM UTC in I'm not dead yet, unfortunately...
Originally posted by gadzooks I guess you could say that the bus was BUSY.
Hoyo.
I'm fighting with the bus driver as we speak about getting on that bitch. I ended up leaving the hospital. I was at Hopkins for whomever asked if I was at Mayo. Hopkins WAS #1 for ever, it now they're 3,so..one of the best, anyway. -
2018-11-19 at 2:10 AM UTC in Thoughts on Tolkien's legendarium
Originally posted by Zanick The decline of Totse and its eventual closing marks the beginning of the First Age. Zok would have to be Morgoth because he's black (IIRC, Morgoth is a Sindarin name given by Fëanor, literally translating to "Black Foe of the World" so I think it's fitting) and his corruption doomed our kind to fail.
I had a dog named Morgoth. I had a goat named Feanor. Morgoth was one badass. He could do more drugs than any other creature I've encountered, and still stay standing. -
2018-11-19 at 2:07 AM UTC in Reject auto erotic athanksicationJesus who does my lawn is more real than some fictional character in a holy text.
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2018-11-19 at 2:06 AM UTC in I'm not dead yet, unfortunately...I have massive blood clots in both legs, septic joint and possible reoccurance of osteomyelitis. I'm at one of the best hospitals in the world. They're thinking surgery after an mri tomorrow.
Life sucks. I just want to die. Pain is a terrible thing. -
2018-10-20 at 4:24 AM UTC in Getting on the same bus as Maliceyou got another option to skype or hangouts? i forgot my pws to those accounts
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2018-10-20 at 3:34 AM UTC in Getting on the same bus as MaliceI'm a workin' on it. 18g needle, 10ML syringe... I've got 2,500ml out before without losing consiousness... lets see how far I can go. I have some propranolol I'm gonna take when I start getting dizzy to seal the deal. Thank you for the offer, Casper.. wish you were closer, but I took my last shot and I can't ride out WDs again. If I could come up with the money to get my shit tomorrow, I'd be out that way in a heart beat... no one wants to die alone... but... I gues, most like me, end up like that... so it goes. Take care, sweetie. I wish you the best.
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2018-10-20 at 2:52 AM UTC in Getting on the same bus as Maliceapparently Lanny made D E A R a word enhancement to faggot... 1337, you're no faggot. You were, and always will be my handsome man I was so lucky to have.
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2018-10-20 at 2:46 AM UTC in Getting on the same bus as MaliceTrying with all my might, at any rate. Wish me luck, guys.
NARCassist, thanks for being such a cool dude to me. I appreciate you as a friend a lot. You're intelligent, funny, and well, you have an interesting life, and stories to tell. I wish you all the best in life. I truly hope you make all your dreams come true, and bang super hot bitches 'til the day you die.
Casper, I know we didn't know each other super good or anything, but I do appreciate talking to you through PMs, and having some personal discussions about our lives. I know you're a good person, and I hope shit pans out for you in the best possible way. I hope you get to where you're happy with your life, especially after so much struggle, and suffering you've endured.
mq, you're funny as shit, and I think you're one of the better folks on here. I hope your depression, and other issues resolve them self, and you can be happy, stable, and loving life.
Lanny, we may not have always agreed on everything, and I'm sure you've looked down on some of my shit (bear in mind, I have trolled a lot during the end... no AIDs, or baby), but you've always treated me with a measure of respect, and I appreciate that a lot. I appreciate you keep this forum, and community going. TOTSE/Zoklet was a large part of my teenage years, and helped form who I am, for better, or worse. Thank you for keeping the spirit going. Thank you for being open to most anything to be discussed, and for the most part, you've been fair. I wish you nothing but good, and hope the best for you. Oh, and thank you for trying to help out with finding/confirming Malice's obituary, even though I didn't uncover anything unfortunately. I appreciate it all the same though.
HTS, keep your beautiful head up, sweetie. You're a wonderful person, and fuck anyone who says different. I hope and pray you find happiness, and that your life turns out the way you want it. I believe in you. I believe in the sweet, cool, loving, kind, and fair Lucy I've come to know. Fuck §m£ÂgØL for not using female pronouns toward you when he is supposed to be your friend. Sure, I think it's a little silly for people who don't know each other, but when you have a friend, you try to use what makes them feel comfortable- not because it's right, or it's politically correct- because it's what you do for a friend you care about the feelings of. *hugs* Love ya, sweetie.
Sophie, you're a cool dude, and I appreciate you a lot. You taught me a lot of nifty shit, and pointed me in the right directions when I needed help. Thank you. I consider you a friend, and I will miss reading your intelligent, and interesting posts/threads. I wish you all the best, my friend. Be well, be safe, enjoy life... just please... don't hurt anyone...
Risir, you're the coolest german dude ever. THank you for your help when I've talked to you, and just well... being around, and taking up for me from time to time from the likes of idiots like sploo. I hope shit gets straight for you, and you find happiness. I know there's a girl out there for you, it's just a matter of finding her. Try not to be so jaded. It'll all work out, sweetie. You deserve the best, my friend, and I hope you get it.
§m£ÂgØL- Fuck yourself, and rejoice I'm leaving this body. I hope you grow up, and learn more about empathy, legitimate empathy, and love for others. I'm still sorry for the wrong I did do, but I hope one day you realize your mistakes too. I don't wish you ill will, I just wish on you what you deserve. Good luck with your writing, you are a good writer.
PoC- You and §m£ÂgØL can fuck yourselves, and each other, and rejoice together. I hope you get what you deserve in life. I tried to be a good friend, I tried to be a good partner. I didn't deserve what you did to me.
1337, I love you so much. I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for this. I genuinely love you though, and hope you find happiness. You have my heart always. I was so lucky to be married to you, to be your partner... I'm sorry I just couldn't hang on, and my shit just got to be too much. Thank you for everything. You really did give me the best time of my life, my dear, my love. I can't bring myself to say goodbye, so I'll just say... until we meet again some sunny day... maybe then we will have our white picket fence, and leave it to beaver life... I really, really hope and pray so...
I don't know, maybe there's someone I forgot, but I'm gonna blame the klonopin I took. I'm sorry if I forgot you. If you meant something to me, you probably already know it anyway. To all my friends here, and elsewhere, I love you guys. Thank you for everything, for all you've done for me. I leave you with my love and appreciation.
If I can, I'll haunt you faggots for the lulz. BTW, if 1337 isn't around to confirm my death, I'm sure §m£ÂgØL has the ability to do so... or even Sophie, maybe... IDK if I disclosed enough to him to do that, but go for it Sophie, if you can.
Love, hugs, and lots of drugs, ma space niggas.
One thing I don't regret is love... maybe to who I gave it in the past, but not the act, or feelings. I love you, 1337. I love you, my friends. Have a great life. Live long, and prosper. -
2018-10-19 at 6:27 AM UTC in I'm so glad I bullied malice into killing himselfSploo, you caused my friend to die in the same capacity that you have any governmental influence, which is none, zero, zilch. Malice killed himself because after years of trying to reverse genetic, and environmental issues he caused himself (i.e. isolation), he couldn't deal any longer, bought a "parachute" to be able to end the suffering, and one day just did it. You have power over no one. You influence nothing. You're just some scum from the bottom of a cesspool. You're not intelligent as you claim to be, and all this, this claims to being smart, intelligent, and brilliant, are just your insecurity showing through.
Originally posted by CASPER If he is dead, impissed off he didn't keep his promise to me. I live 20 min away. At the very least he wouldn't have had to die alone.
But who knows? I know he has no social life, but I also know he could easily weaponize his autism and stay. Away from here long enough to keep the legend alive. In either case, he had zero perspective.
What promise did he make? I don't recall right off hand, if it's something that was posted.
I honestly think he went through with it. He said he was contemplating it, sat and tried a couple of times prior, but had some reservations/fear, but I know him well enough to know that he could easily get over that, and while sure he trolled from time to time, I don't think he'd do a suicide troll. Maybe I'm wrong. I hope I am wrong, but that's what I feel. I really miss the guy. If he is alive, I wish he'd just tip me off, even if he never talked to me again, and I'd leave it at that, and let the troll ride. I'd just like to know if he is alive, out there somewhere, where maybe one day he will get better.
A lot of people I love and care about have died recently, and it's come at a really bad time in my life to boot. It's not because of him, or the others whom have passed, but I do know I'll be following in his footsteps soon enough. Malice was wise enough to not let people get too close to him, to have too much influence, else I would be where ever he's at now. I kick myself in the ass for not continuing on, despite bullshit people told me. I know if Malice, a person whom I believe tried harder than anyone I've ever known with severe issues, couldn't find a way, I sure as hell have no hope. -
2018-10-19 at 12:18 AM UTC in I'm so glad I bullied malice into killing himself
Originally posted by totse3.com oh yeah.. more racism. fun!! why don't you guys get a cross, pour gas on it and set it on fire in your living rooms
fucking cunts.
hey… Glok.. if you truly had part in such a thing. that's pretty fucked up. Malice seemed like he needed help. I mean setting all troll play aside, I didn't believe him at first but started feeling the pain he had.
maybe it was troll.. but if it was real, why do you guys celebrate his death? why would you push him over the ledge like this?
Malice wasn't trolling the issues he struggled with. He was a good person too, despite some of the ways he'd come off.
I ca tell you this though, sploo didn't push Malice over the edge. It was a long time coming for him. He tried a lot of different ways to fix his issues. He really did want to get well, be better, know happiness. It's sad he couldn't find that in this life, but I do know it came after years of struggling up hill, and that little retard played no role in shit, he's just such a sad attention seeker he wants to take credit for something that's honestly horrible to want to take credit for in the first place. -
2018-10-19 at 12:14 AM UTC in I'm so glad I bullied malice into killing himself
Originally posted by Glokula's Homabla he was fucking retarded. all he would do was googling a combination of keywords and posting the 1st result.
T-PAIN + neurogenesis
T-PAIN + depression
T-PAIN + autism
autism + brain
brain + T-PAIN
this is the only thing he was capable of doing and would just do it over and over and over and was so fucking retarded he based his entire worldview around these studies as absolute truths. anyone this lame definitely deserves to die.
you're hydro you're a research chemical addict in severe pain 24/7 who writes giant tl;dr posts and we all hate you and we're waiting for you to die. you're the most useless person here now that malice is gone
He investigated, and dug deep into things he was interested in, not just drugs, or research chemicals. He spent a lot of time trying to better himself, to grow out of the illnesses in his mind that held him down from enjoying life. I wish he could have found a solution that didn't involve suicide, but he did try harder than most to fix the seriously fucked up shit going on with him. He certainly wasn't retarded, and he definitely didn't deserve to die.
I really don't care if you, or anyone else here hates me. I do know I have made some really wonderful friends whom I care about a great deal on here, like Malice, over the years, so I know not everyone hates me at any rate, and those that do... they don't matter. You especially don't matter.
Yes, hopefully one day soon my suffering will end, but I can guarantee when my time comes, despite my tight knit group, there will be more people who give a fuck about my passing than when you die. Your own parents would mourn my passing more sincerely than they would when you die. You project a lot, it seems everyone really hates you, sploo, and Malice was miles above you in every aspect, and that's sad considering how deficit he was in some areas. You're a sad, sad, sick puppy, sploo. Maybe one day you'll grow up, but honestly, I think you'll just be a retarded asshole forever. -
2018-10-18 at 11:14 PM UTC in klonopin/clonazepam specifically on drug testsI don't take methadone, it's a friend that's been going. I'm just curious about the drug tests and why kpins don't pop on them. I said before, a long while ago I recall seeing someone mention about clonazepam didn't pop on tests, something to do with the metabolites it breaks into not hanging around in urine well, or something. My friend also hasn't had clonazepam come up, but has for xanax. I just thought it was weird and wondered if anyone else had more input to this. Frankly, I don't even like benzos at all. If I take a benzo, which everyone who's ever been around, and close to me, knows I only take benzos when I am really, really, really having an earth shattering panic attack.
If you're beating around the bush that I should overdose, well,that's not gonna happen (I'm not lucky enough, nor have enough funds/drugs to complete the task). If I am to kill myself, I'll be doing it via exsanguination. If not for certain interference from someone, I'd have completed the task once before. I just have to work the balls up to do it again. I very well may take a few kpins to help calm me into getting the job done though.