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Posts by Malice
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2015-12-02 at 8:29 AM UTC in your favorite schizoid is back
malice lay off the fluorinated amphetamines
I wish I had some. Goddamn China ban. Can you imagine if I was anywhere near my peak? -
2015-12-02 at 6:25 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition
I remember IWD mentioning that at some point in his life he actually tried to check himself into a mental hospital/psych ward because he couldn't stop ruminating on philosophical/existential concepts and thought he had gone insane. I wonder if that actually happened. -
2015-12-02 at 5:59 AM UTC in yeah so basically im being stalked again the third time since zokletWhat did you edit? I need to know.
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2015-12-02 at 5:58 AM UTC in your favorite schizoid is back
and we love each other now more than ever.
Homos.
Imagine if you pulled out your fully erect cock and went, "Hey, dad, look at how successful I turned out to be! And it's all thanks to your genes!"
Depending on his personality, it could be really awkward, possibly even disturbing, with long-lasting consequences on your relationship, at least at first (you could always play it off as having been really drunk and laugh it off during a later father-son bonding experience, with the both of you drinking or smoking pot), but I'm sure that after some time, on some innate primal level, regardless of the type of father he was, he would feel really proud of you and know that you have a gift that will always bring you happiness. With a warm fatherly smile on his face your memory would arise in his mind and he'd think, "Even if he loses everything, he'll always have the giant cock most men can only dream of, and I know he'll be alright." -
2015-12-02 at 3:40 AM UTC in What are you listening to right now, space nigga?https://youtu.be/NaOXgbLmCVU?t=2m8s
http://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=386594506
Comment by "Niggas in Space". I wonder if they're a member of the site or if it's just a coincidence. Just funny that we'd end up at the same patch.
Everything could be so much more enjoyable if I hadn't fallen apart so much, particularly with the right drugs. Anhedonia, anergia, avolition, blunted affect. A good stimulant stack would be perfect for racing games, maybe a bit of the right cannabis strain as well, depending on how you react to it. -
2015-12-01 at 11:15 AM UTC in 2 reasons why I haven't been hanging with you niggersWhat about me? I would honestly use the money towards therapy, to try to cure my autism (just one of the major problems I have). Someone who doesn't have anyone else they want to leave their things to should put me in their will, look at how sad I am.
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2015-12-01 at 11:13 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionAh, speaking of the dreams, Lanny's mention of them reminded me of two I should note before they slip away. Memories of dreams can fade so quickly, like sand pouring through your fingers.
In one I was in bed staring at the ceiling, looking at it and there was a feeling of focusing on it very very intently and becoming very awake, with a feeling of activation, of putting full effort into the use of the brain, or at least certain part of it centered around the "third eye" area. It was like normally there's a certain fuzziness, a feeling of never being fully awake/being partially asleep, in life, but this time the veil lifted and it felt like I began to see a sliver of reality more clearly than I had ever experienced before. More real than real, almost like waking up for the first time in your life, in a way, although I was only staring at a section of the ceiling. As this was occurring it began to give way to something and I realized it was DMT. I can't remember exactly what I saw, but there was a distinct feeling associated with it, the visuals felt like something from the onset of a DMT trip.
In another, I had false awakening experience followed by the onset of sleep paralysis. Very creepy feeling, in a way. I have a memory of another time when this was occurring, possibly multiple times, with my room appearing/feeling exactly the same in the dream, and I would try to fight against it and move towards the light switch, collapsing and ending up in bed with no memory of what had occurred after blacking out. Related to the commonly reported experience Lanny mentioned of trying to run and feeling like you're moving through molasses, it's caused due to your body being naturally paralyzed to some extent, I don't know the mechanism, so you don't move excessively while asleep, particularly while dreaming. In some people this is dysfunctional, leading to things like sleepwalking, and it's also responsible for the sleep paralysis experience. When I've experienced there's always a very foreboding sensation of it being caused by something external, and an association with alien abduction. Not so strong that there's a clear panicked thought, "Aliens are going to abduct me if I become unconscious.", just a very creepy, surreal, and detached feeling associated with that automatic association, that subconscious theme. -
2015-12-01 at 6:22 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionSometimes I get less depressed and stop ruminating on existentialism and feelings of guilt and regret over the past, wanting to stop feeling so alone, and then I remember, "Oh right, it isn't just depression and my worldview skewing my perception, the world and people really are largely inadequate, uninteresting, repetitive, unfulfilling, and boring. No, I do not consider going out to stuff yourself with various different kinds of food to fulfilling. Most people are either terrible, uninteresting and unrelatable, or fatally flawed in some other way. I really do have a reason to feel seething hatred over all this, for not wanting to be a part of this world, that I try to avoid so it won't eat away at me inside."
Id probably let you interact with my child, Malice. Im only fearful of the people whove given me just cause to be fearful of them. Id rathermy child have someone like you interactimg with them in their life than lots of people I know. Id prefer you over someone whod want to beat religion and god into their head than you. Youre a better person than you give yourself credit for. Having said that, if someone did hurt my child, it be a fucking witch hunt and Id make german scientists from wwII look like kind hearted humanitarians after I was done with the offender. Im not talk accidents either, shit happens, Id probably be pissed for the moment if my child say fell and broke their arm, and it was a legit accident that happened, but I wouldnt bring the forces of evil down upon them. Now they hurt my child with intent.. hell would stand in amazement at the shit I am capable of doing.
Rules for interacting with children:
Don't be an idiot.
Pay attention to them, don't be forgetful. Hooray for autism power and nootropics, now I'm the kind of person that literally never forgets where they put something or what they were about to do. Although, I could see myself forgetting to watch them just out of innate apathy/disinterest that I couldn't fully suppress. I suppose if I ever did catch myself doing that I could just be like, "Well, I'm out of here. Sorry, your kid's boring, I don't think this is for me." -
2015-12-01 at 5:08 AM UTC in Young girl could have been raped up the asshole
I'm not sure if the guy filming is an asshole or funny but I got a good chuckle out of it either way.
Look at the smirk on his mom's face, he's a golden child. -
2015-12-01 at 4:49 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionBlahBlah, are you or were you ever on metformin?
https://www.reddit.com/r/Futurology/...o_120_in_good/
It could be safe enough to be worth the gamble. I was likely pre-diabetic/suffering from metabolic syndrome a few years ago. Had terrible hypoglycemic episodes after eating that would give me horrendous brain fog, particularly from meals high in grains (wheat), dairy, and sugar. You never fully recover from some things, for others some people don't. I could probably still use a bit of a boost, my fasting blood sugar may still be higher than optimal. Particularly since Nardil tends to cause a problem with, oh, nevermind, it may actually tend to cause hypoglycemia (low blood sugar), although it's unknown how much adding an enteric coating could reduce the occurrence of side effects, and which. Will have to research it more.As for the checking out bit, its the only hickup in my plan.
Make it your goal to at least try Nardil first. Have you read about it? If not, read the reports at socialanxietysupport.com , it's a life changing miracle drug, I wish I had started it years ago.Why don't you leave your child to Malice? He could do with the company, and that kid would grow up goddamn intelligent. Probably a little fucked up, but damn will he know his shit.
As hard as it may be to believe, counter intuitive and contrary to the standard nurture assumption, by the time you're an adult your parents have almost no impact on your outcome. To clarify, there are greatly diminishing returns. There's a big downside, of course you can do a lot of damage from abuse and neglect, but once the environment is merely adequate genes are the primary determinant. And the "environmental" component doesn't mean what the vast majority interpret it as meaning.
But your idea is related to an idea that has crossed my mind before. Imagine a charity service that could match single moms with people willing to help out either out of altruism or for the experience, to find out whether they want children, or just for personal development, to experience some of the impact of nurturing a child, helping to raise them.
It's a shame parents tend to be so overprotective of their kids, particularly their first time, it would be cool if they were more willing to share. I remember Lanny mentioning something about this, how even if you're friends they start acting weird, like you're untrustworthy, at least particularly for single/unmarried males. There's actually a biological basis to this: http://www.theatlantic.com/health/ar...mother/384179/
OCD and anxiety behaviors related to worries about the child, an oxytocin increase, whose effects are commonly misrepresented and misunderstood, it actually seems to have a strong in-group out-group enhancing effect, making them more suspicious of and less receptive to out-group members, the core in-group being the family. It's revolting and disturbing, really. Then again, what isn't driven by biology in our lives? Just look at the effects, the neurology, of love and sex. This just seems so much worse, though.
Regardless, I don't think I'm the type who likes children or ever will.
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2015-11-30 at 8:26 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition[FONT=arial]x/post: I'm pretty sure I have legitimate seasonal depression, although it mainly seems to make my energy levels and related things much worse. Mentioned this before. Although I'm always depressed to begin with, so it's just cumulative. Seems to be triggered by light levels or temperature, not sure which is the primary culprit, but I'm leaning towards the latter.
I'm dying inside. This has been slowly killing me over the last 10+ years, accelerating towards the end. Fortunately I have an appointment with a psychiatrist and may start meeting with a therapist as well.[/FONT] -
2015-11-30 at 1:42 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionCheck if you've reached your limit for stored items. I tried to send you a PM and it told me I had to clear some out first, deleted some from both the inbox and trash folders.
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2015-11-29 at 11:07 PM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition
I've seen the app thing before, or something similar at least, it uses expected sleep phase durations right? Like it anticipates that if you fall asleep now you'll be in a REM phase in X hours for the least X greater than eight it wakes you up. Seems like variability in sleep phase length and time to sleep would be likely to throw it off, especially in my case since I can spend a while in bed before falling asleep. There are some products that would seem to offer better measures, I remember a headband that worked through pulse measurement and a "mat" you put under your sheet that detects your level of motion. Headband would seem to be the most reliable but I haven't read enough about the science behind it to want to give it a try. Would probably be a worthwhile investment if it worked, I could really do with feeling like I have these past few mornings all the time but I'm sure I'll be back at baseline pretty quick.
IIRC it determines it by analyzing your behavior during sleep, the amount of movement via the accelerometer, which is generally very sensitive/accurate in smartphones, which correlates with sleep phases. I read about the multiple options available on the market and this actually seemed to be the best, reviews for it are pretty good. Most of the other options may not have the feature of waking you up at the optimal time and are just used for sleep analysis, to provide information.Well, Ive got someone lined up for my son, so I should be checking out before too much longer. I think itll be the best for him and the people I did care about in my life, they dont want me in their lives anyway so its not going to be some tramtic thing. My son will be spared knowing me or remembering me so all will be well. Im kind of excited. The pain will stop and those thoughts that penetrate my mind will nolonger be a thought, rather action. When my dad was alive, we had a psychic connection or some shit. We could read each others thoughts and often would randomly blurt the others thoughts while driving and such. At times it was kinda weird. I remember when he died, sitting there is tears hearing his voice in my head saying "woah.. wtf is this shit, holy fuck where am I? Whats that?.." and I had felt his voice slip from my mind, more like rip away.. later on on I heard his voice intrude my mind again (most likely made up from memories of him saying his final farewells to me the many times he did.. he was prepared to die when he finally went, I was expecting it for a long time) "sweetie, you knew this had to happen.. I got so much to explore and God to shoot in the face" and every blue moon I hear his words especially when I was in distress, an example was when my son was really sick throwing up and I paniced and was terrified. I kept worrying he was going to die. What stopped me from freaking out and calling an ambulance was him saying "sweetie, hes a baby and never known pain before now, hes never had a fever before, hes never been sick, thats why hes acting worse than he is- hes over reacting and cry and screaming just like youre worrying because hes never known sick before". the strange part is how his voice just intrudes in my head like it does, it interupts other thoughts and stopsme in my tracks. I miss my father… he always said I was his best friend and the last talk we had just bullshitting he said "Im going to miss this, I wish we had more times like this because I cherish these conversations." That was a day or two before he passed. my mother was jealous of our relationshipnd said we acted like a married couple. The only reason I didnt follow my dad into the night was because I was 6months pregnant. Ive sat here with a gun to my head and heard his voice intrude before "Ive put up with your ass for 18 years protecting you from the whore, youve got to do the same thing for your baby". Well, hes going to be protected from the people in my family now. Its a relief almost.
Hydro, go to a crisis center. There's a lot of help available for single mothers, I wouldn't fault you for it. The world is the way it is, we don't live in an ideal world. There's no shame in asking for help. I wish I had admitted I needed others, needed help, and had a massive intervention over a decade ago.
Can you imagine how I must feel? How many times the thoughts have gone through my head, how many times I've laid awake at night thinking and crying, sometimes waking up crying too, about my life, all the problems with the world, existence, questioning whether I even wanted to be part of this world, whether I even wanted to be happy and if it would ever be enough or amount to anything, really matter? Over 10 years I completely closed myself off and withdrew from people, I completely missed out on life because I spent so much time in my head, never developed properly, the incredible amount of regret, guilt, disappointment, and shame, and now I have to dig myself out of that, and it's probably going to be something that will haunt me and that I'll have to try to make up for the rest of my life.
At least make one final effort like I'm trying to do. If I can hold on, so can you. After death, there's just nothing, you'll never have another chance again, another chance to discover whether there was something worth living for, whether you may have felt differently. -
2015-11-29 at 5:59 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionParenthood is deeply depressing in a way. The biological/evolutionary, animalistic, drive, how it brings out some of the ugliest and most irrational, emotion driven, aspects of humanity, in a way, the selfishness, how much time it occupies in people's lives, making them much less available to you, people who were close friends drifting away how it limits what they could do, have done, the cultural factor, how perceptions are skewed and taboo and cultural biases prevent people from speaking and even thinking honestly, objectively, about it, how it represents so much of the inadequacy in life when reality is compared to the ideal image.
Good article here: http://www.psmag.com/health-and-beha...us-happy-60392
The only group that seemed to receive a genuine net increase in happiness were those that were "child-centric". But, living your life for another, something that didn't need to exist, but was brought forth to satisfy your own selfish desires, particularly considering the simplicity of children and the activities involved, when there's so much to do in the world, needs for intellectual stimulation can be so much higher. I understand the joy of nurturing, of seeing something develop, of being needed and loved, having something look forward to you, give you reason to live beyond yourself, but to create something just for that. It seems like such a cowardly option, although, the reality is, most people are boring and can't be expected to aspire to much more. All that effort, why? I've thought, ideally, if you wanted to experience the benefits of nurturing and devoting yourself to another, wouldn't doing that with someone you truly loved be ideal? Helping each other develop? And fathers don't even spend that much time directly interacting with/focused on their children. IIIRC in the US the average is only around an hour a day, 20 minutes in Japan. The infant stage seems to generally be considered unpleasant, there's a theory that part of this may have purposefully evolved (prevent sex, secure greater parental resources), then there's such a relatively brief period where they're really at the prime for give people what they want, then they're nearing the teenage years and are more independent and distant. All that effort, that cost, and for what? I'd say there has to be more to life, but that isn't certain.
But then there's the other aspect, that even if you accept the flaws, it is a natural part of human life. Unfortunately people generally have predispositions and simply seek to confirm them, not giving fair appraisal to both sides. Normally it would occur for all fertile couples, without birth control. There's research on the physiological changes that occur, changes in the brain, hormones, profound psychological shifts. I suppose it, and the experience, could allow you to develop in ways that nothing else likely will. It's particularly sad for women, due to what they evolved to be, and how the desire is much more innate, a much more fundamental aspect of what subconsciously drives them.
One path excludes another. That's life, I suppose. A melancholy that never ends.
"Wake up. Snap out of it. Aspire to more. Engage in introspection, self-reflection, and strive to continually better yourself. Raise your level of awareness as high as you can. Refine your mental architecture and learn to adhere to strict rationality. See the world the way it is, not the way you want it to be. Strive to learn and accept the truth, whether you like it or not. Learn, question everything, give deep thought to things."
But what has it led to? Profound disillusionment, alienation, isolation, and depression. That's what happens when you attempt to live an inhuman life in a human body. You spent so much time inside your own head you completely missed out on life. Due to that, I can't really blame people any more for wanting the simple pleasures and comforts in life that allow you to forget the ugliness of the world and questions that don't bring satisfying answers.
Everything's so complex and interconnected and few really see this, think about it to such an extent. But you're still a limited being and there's only so much you can learn.Btw, Malice, have you ever heard anything about bacopa or melatonin "withdrawal" effects? Been away from home and the last several nights I've been having really atypical vivid dreams, kinda dark but not strictly nightmares, and waking up feeling really well rested after like 5 hours of sleep. Those are the only things I've been taking that have sleep related (side)effects and the only thing that's changed is I've stopped for a few days.
There likely will be some rebound effect, although being away from home and other things occurring in your life are strong confounders. There are multiple possibilities. You may be having lighter sleep, signaled by the dreams, and simply waking up during one of the lightest periods. I posted something about a smartphone app that determines when to wake you based on your sleep cycle so you wake up at the optimal point, feeling refreshed and not groggy. If this is not your natural optimal sleep length eventually the negative effects should accumulate. If you were taking bacopa too soon before bed or at too high a dose it would definitely have a detrimental effect on sleep quality, and this could simply be a rebound with your sleep architecture shifted to make up for this by greatly increasing the amount of time you spent in deep sleep stages. Melatonin can also definitely cause grogginess upon waking if you haven't slept at least a certain number of hours. -
2015-11-29 at 5:24 AM UTC in Community Secret Santa 2015!I think I remember this not going well the last time it was done on Zoklet. IIRC someone received something fairly nice and made a really sad half-assed effort in return. Embarrassing, really. If you can't afford it or aren't financially stable, stuff tends to come up in your life that could interfere, don't participate. I wouldn't trust many people to make responsible decisions, many may just be selfish and want something without having to give much, if anything, in return.
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2015-11-28 at 8:11 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionNoticed site activity has increased lately. I've noted this pattern before.
Sunlight>vitamin D and possibly other phytochemicals I'm not aware of + effects on circadian rhythm and possibly other changes triggered by the duration and intensity of sunlight exposure>downstream effects, testosterone being a main factor in males and showing seasonal variation in line with sunlight levels. There's also seasonal depression and the evolutionary theory behind it. Some depressive behaviors lead to energy conservation/anergia, a main factor effecting a wide variety of behaviors, possibly risk avoidance as well, there's also the greater reliance on others, seeking them out, signaling a need for help/support, essentially "huddling together". Aggressiveness being greatly reduced, propensity towards and likelihood of reception both being altered, would also have benefits.
So, basically, people stay in from the cold, don't have as many things to do or feel like doing as many things, they get bored, possibly isolated and depressed if they don't have a strong/warm/close social (support) network/relationships, and turn back to communities they have some attachment to, such as this one, to fill part of that need.
Brings to mind the Danish concept of hygge, a crucial part of the culture. Not the place I originally remember reading it, but this gives a good gist of it: http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-34345791
You could speculate on the evolutionary pressures created on the cold Nordic region and how it shaped culture. For example:
Was doing some research on why they may be some of the most boring places around. Brought up a Swedish forum where Whites who had immigrated there complained about some aspects of the culture related to this, the odd type of introversion and lack of friendships being made, and the types of negative responses they received. Seems talking to people you don't know is frowned upon much more than in other places, openness among strangers much lower, particularly compared to the US, but one thing to note that I saw mentioned, possibly a few times, is that those who had never spent significant time outside the country, particularly in places with very different cultures, generally wouldn't recognize how significant this was.
Late night rambling, last part isn't that important. They're boring places, really, and generally idolized by people who know almost nothing about them. No place is ideal, AFAIK, although Switzerland seems like it might be kind of cool, but I don't know enough about the culture. HBD chick mentioned their breeding patterns were particularly unique interesting. Seems she decided to specialize in researching mating patterns for a time, also provided some interesting info about the Nordic region that aligns well with their current outcome. -
2015-11-27 at 11:47 PM UTC in the strangest thing happened to me todayLooking forward to part 2. Hopefully it's not a troll/lie.
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2015-11-27 at 9:49 PM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition
Thats what I sent them as, a caring gesture. I dont understand it either. I simply messaged them to let them know to expect a letter in the mail and Im accused of 'doing it for revenge'. If I was going to do it to get someone in trouble (which never would I do something like this, especially regarding drugs- the whole prohibition of drugs is bullshit and no way, even if I despised a person am I going to seek my revenge through that avenue and feed the screwed up system more), why would I say 'hey, nigga, you got a letter coming' wouldnt I NOT tell them if I intended for some way to get them in trouble? I guess it doesnt matter, Ive tried to be a good friend, took all sorts of bullshit from them that was hurtful and still, knowing they are having mental problems tried to do something to bring someone suffering a small measure of relief and no matter what I do, I am the bad guy. Damned if I do, damned if I dont. Paranoid schizophrenia is a terrible thing. Meh, I know I did right/a good gesture and if they cant figure that out, then thats their loss. I guess I just posted because I really needed some validation that I didnt do something wrong. Ive sent them shit before this too, and all was well with that. I dont understand the big deal.
They have paranoid schizophrenia? Well, that would explain why they reacted this way. -
2015-11-27 at 9:42 PM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionActive shooter in Colorado Springs Planned Parenthood parking lot.
https://www.reddit.com/r/news/comments/3uhuqr/active_shooter_in_colorado_springs_planned/
Damn, sounds pretty hard core. I'm surprised he wasn't killed immediately. May have gotten a good number of cops too. -
2015-11-27 at 6:46 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition
Being mismatched for society/the world, holding unacceptable views and behavior, and, on your side profound feeling of inadequacy when looking out at them, that this, the vast majority of other people, are never going to be what you want them to be, self-medicating, feeling fucked in the head.
Yes, I suppose on some level most people here can relate to that. The Island of Misfit Toys.