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Posts by Malice
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2015-11-21 at 4:45 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionChrist, I feel like never reading about having children and parenthood again. It depresses the hell out of me. And of course parents can't/don't feel they can be honest! It's beyond that, there's an immense mental block to them accepting, in the privacy of their own minds, that it wasn't anything close to the ideal they thought it would be, accepting the brutal reality of all the negative aspects, whether they outweigh any benefits. And if they do try to determine whether it was worth it, their mind jumps to their precious memories, a tiny fraction of their total lifetime, standard cognitive biases at play, immense emotional skewing, and they could never arrive at an impartial analysis. And of course this is a large part of what most other people base their decision on.
It makes me want to cry, but at least around 20% of women are now remaining childfree, even higher for the elite classes. I wish there was surgery, a pill you could, or nanobots that would just suppress/destroy that ugly animalistic desire, alter the brain, even remove certain areas. You know the rare good women, the ones who actually have good heads, are much more likely to be in that 20% that doesn't want kids. Go after them if you've arrived at the conclusion that you definitely don't want kids and find this view unlikely to change for good reasons. -
2015-11-21 at 4:39 AM UTC in Places you enjoy the atmosphere of"Life isn't like the movies."
Then make it like them. The world is inadequate.
Reminds me of an idea I had for a shirt while wearing VR in public.
Accepted that the world is never going to be the way you want it to?
Why not replace it?
Followed by the Oculus logo and something like "Oculus Rift virtual reality" -
2015-11-21 at 3:49 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionPulling off a diabolical plan to steal the first mined asteroid crashed into an ocean, imagine that. It could be the greatest theft of all time, by far.
I still feel an unsatisfied desire to take revenge/take out my hatred on society. Maybe I could use RC vehicles or a drone along with/or remote or delayed detonation devices to ruin Christmas. No, no, let's be classy about this, there are much more deserving targets. -
2015-11-21 at 3:44 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition
Malice, I genuinely do appreciate your advice and input. Youre the main reason I stick around here, I try to read all your posts when I can. Youre wealth of knowledge and like Blah said, I respect a nigga who knows their drugs, but you also have a wealth of knowledge beyond just chemicals.
Hydro is an angel. Lose weight (I'm not gonna sugarcoat it, I've never seen an attractive woman that was overweight (I don't mean obese) in my life) and learn your lesson for good this time in terms of making stupid life fucking up decisions (staying with destructive family (Other than your father, he sounded like a swell guy. Probably where you get it from.), husband, having a baby from a threesome with §m£ÂgØL etc.) and you'd be quite the catch.Even though I never had much of a spirit, what little spirit is left in me is gone because I met a girl who might be just like me and it ruined mme.
Dude, at least try find someone else. There's so much that could be said about love. Look beside the ugliness of life and try to see what could come about out of finding one of the rare good people. Unfortunately most people are idiots and animals, but for a brief period you found at least one person out there, and could do it again. It's normal to feel hopeless and ineffective when depressed, but that isn't always the case. You can develop together and learn not be such a dysfunctional jackass of a fuckup, know what not to do this time.
In The Defining Decade I recall the author stating that the couples she had met (she worked as a therapist/psychologist or something similar) had usually met online. It's surprisingly common nowadays, and increasing every year. Take advantage of the technology, think about the benefits it has over meeting people IRL. Just look on some corners of the internet where people may have similar interests, or even make an OkCupid profile, and try not make it fucking retarded, avoid autistic spazz outs/shitposting, you never know who may come across you and show interest.Malice, you should babysit for me. You can use him as a guinea pig for drugs he could fill your void of lacking social interaction and maybe Id get a super genius baby outta the deal.
I would genuinely consider it if you were in the area, for the life experience, to have an excuse to get out and do stuff and experience/practice social interaction, as you said, but, god, babies are fucking boring. I was reading earlier about the experiences, looking at sites with pages recommending long lists of activities for mothers to do with them and *facepalm*. Fucking evolution, I swear. Women already tend to have a massive deficit when it comes to logic and reasoning, but then they get full of hormones, having anchored themselves to an acceptable man and feeling they're in a secure enough environment (money), or, for the stupid/poor, you can often bypass this step, it triggers the next natural reaction, the marriage may be starting to get boring, and blam, the animal instinct is triggered, the strongest drive their is, to fulfill their evolutionary/biological purpose. That distorted emotional lens, looking at other mothers with babies, the attention they get, not seeing the complete picture, the incredibly ugly and dull reality (Boring as fuck, barely sleeping for weeks at a time, gross, overwhelmingly likely to grow up average and unremarkable, fuck up your career/education, massive time sink, ties you down to an area, eats up money etc.), they only see the ideal, the idealized and distorted, romanticized, image their mind creates, they imagine and get these feelings, desires. *shudder* God I hate what evolution drove us to become, but I particularly feel sorry for the women. Hopefully there are rare women out there than can truly overcome this, who are fortunate enough to have a mind more similar to that of a man, but with some of the alluring qualities that make women womanly.
r/childrfree has some great threads about this: www.google.com/search?q=site:www.reddit.com/r/childfree+boring
That reminds me, I really should get a vasectomy ASAP, just in case. I'll try to make a phone call to inquire about how to go about it, get the process started, on Monday. Hahaha, you aren't fooling me, fucking women. I'd list state/this a positive personal attribute when given the chance.
"Are you interested in having children one day, Malice?" "Hell no, I vasectomized the hell out of myself."
Dating profile/pre-sex "I've had a vasectomy, there's no risk. You can go all out without worry." -
2015-11-20 at 10:15 AM UTC in Posters this site could really useWell, you are a friend of a none, it should really have been expected.
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2015-11-20 at 9:23 AM UTC in Favorite bands?
*Gasp* Reese's driving test on Malcolm in the Middle.
I feel like I want to have a seizure to let out the excess energy I've been feeling. Could be the sulbutiamine. -
2015-11-20 at 9:10 AM UTC in Do you think things will ever get better for me?
There's probably a program for folks like you sploo, like rehab but for mental problems as well. Maybe that's just regular rehab though. I think Japan has started government sponsored hiki rehabilitation programs, gotta be something like that here.
I doubt it, it's a lot more common in Japan. Although, this is the bay area/silicon valley. Major autist over representation, although they may be too damn high functioning to become a hikki.
Still, if anyone ever learns of one, tell me, because, by god will I appreciate it if I manage to get in. You would likely be saving my life and could be repaid one day.
Fuck, if I had rich parents they could afford to hire private rehabilitation. I feel to weak, cowardly, and dysfunctional to make enough money on the darknet on my own before becoming better. I have no problem engaging in private theft, I'd shamelessly take advantage of state sponsored theft/socialism for this, which I already do to some extent. -
2015-11-20 at 9:06 AM UTC in Well Then
Sometimes I think about how easy it would be to end everything without a second thought. I feel obligated to keep on, my mother just lost her mother and I couldn't leave her alone like that, but I find her inaccessible and prone to lonely sorrow. My father is wrapped up in his bids on real estate. My girlfriend is stressed about work and sex has diminished to the odd occasion where she's too drunk and I feel like I've taken advantage. My sister has moved away like all my friends and I'm stuck in a toxic work environment to which I've dedicated all my energy, but now I'm watching my colleagues quite and the ones remaining turn on my as we seek promotion through leadership. If I could systematically remove all ties, absolve all those close of memories that I had ever existed, I might be able to quietly remove myself and let the world forget that I had been born, and it saddens me that this fantasy was born out of my own hubris.
It's good to hear it, Zanick. After writing about it for so long, it really does help you feel less isolated and alienated to see someone feeling similarly, grappling with pain of existence. And I've also come to genuinely feel saddened that people feel this way, as opposed to always enjoying, being indifferent to, or feeling above their suffering. -
2015-11-20 at 9:02 AM UTC in Do fast food workers deserve a $15 wage?
I don't know many people who are happy with themselves or what they do.
Oh, good, this makes me feel more secure. I'm glad they're suffering. I suppose I'd forgotten, in a way, that the world is like this and many other people are in a similar position. -
2015-11-20 at 7:44 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition
Oh man, Futurama tugged at what little heartstring I had left. It reminds me of how I abandoned my family, was never close to begin with, never felt like a real family, but began to withdraw from everyone, even them, more and more around age 13 until we were like strangers living under the same roof. I literally never had a conversation with them, at best a few sentences for some purpose, not to talk and become close, support each other and our lives, try to find out who we are as people. I imagine them thinking "Why doesn't he ever talk to us anymore?", later "What happened to him? Where did he go?". I remember my little brother pestering me, probably because he just wanted my attention, once he was pissing me off and I started chasing him around the back yard and he said "Wooh, this is fun!". I hated that goddamn little piece of shit, I swear, he was so fucking annoying and the things he did. He fucking tore open my sealed college transcripts and told me he was going to use it against me. I didn't even really need most of the classes I had during the last semester, which was about a half schedule, so I purposefully failed them (fuck needless work), therefore, I immediately went and told my mom. I wish I had told my dad so he would have gotten the shit beat out of him, I even imagined himself giving me permission to punch him once in my life, hitting him full force in the stomach, toppling him over gasping for air with the wind knocked out of him and sobbing. I also remember digging large holes occasionally in the back yard because I enjoyed it and imagined I may one day find something interesting (goddamn mundane reality), sometimes even reaching grave sized level in a day. I imagined creating a ready built grave with plywood or some other form of cheap wood, then concealing it so that no one would suspect it...with dirt! I would have loved to have taken an axe to his head.
You know, if I ever start visiting a therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist again and talk about this shit, I'm going to secretly record it. It's all true, and unlike most people I'm neither ashamed of it nor afraid to admit it.
*continues watching episode* sniff Hrngh, why was I born halfway between a human being and monster, unable to fully be both? I am absolutely the kind of person that implodes under their own existence, and that is terrifying. -
2015-11-20 at 7:12 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionDude, imagine if you took a drug that wiped out your entire memory. Now, why would you do that, since you'd essentially be retarded and likely rendered to state care? Because you would forget the reason why you wanted to die, the pain of your life, existence, and could potentially start anew. You'd still have the neurological changes accrued from chronic depression and other disorders, deficits you were born with, but you would live and would do so without the risks of being cryogenically frozen, hopefully living to a future of the singularity or augmentation.
This isn't a novel idea by any means, but the thought, if you could no longer bear to be you.
Oh: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Memory_erasure
Wipe away every unhappy thought, all the fears and negativity. You could even write about it beforehand, which could increase the likelihood of you surviving, create a legion of supporters. -
2015-11-20 at 6:59 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition"Debate me. I am on stimulants and will be on for 24 hours straight, if at the end of it someone has not convinced me of a reason for continuing to exist, I will commit suicide live."
​Could be an interesting way to go out, or turning point of you life.why not contribute to it
Insignificant, it will happen without me. Think about biology, realistically only a tiny percentage of people are really going to contribute significant advancements, natural born geniuses. The idea that you could take an average person, even above average, the most intelligent members here, and with the right experiences turn them into prodigies, is a fantasy. I accept reality whether I like it or not. And many of those are questionable, development has largely been cumulative, for most major inventions they were often independently recreated throughout the world, someone just happened to be first, have a somewhat better model, or got all the fame and glory for some other reason. Lanny may be happy being a cog, but I'm not at all, it would drive me mad(der). -
2015-11-20 at 6 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition
https://www.reddit.com/r/IWantOut/
I want out of this plane of reality, or at least be taken to a cool alien world. Fuck me, fuck this, fuck, sploo, what the fuck do we do? -
2015-11-20 at 5:33 AM UTC in Do you think things will ever get better for me?Sploo, if I could communicate through time I would tell 18 year old me to just work up the courage and commit suicide now, because a slow death had already been occurring for years at that point and he would only be needlessly dragging on the inevitable and suffering in vain.
Just something to think about. -
2015-11-20 at 5:17 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionFucking christ, I hate this world, I hate evolution, I hate this body and being a human being, I didn't choose it and I don't want to do the things that make humans happy, I didn't choose to be born, but I don't want to die either.
I wish I could be transported into the future like Fry in Futurama, I mean, as long as I don't miss out on the singularity/merging with AI or it isn't a horrifying dystopia, with humans wiped out or the planet uninhabitable or destroyed or something. -
2015-11-20 at 4:13 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionI may have mentioned this before, but I have noticed I do genuinely enjoy helping people online without expecting anything in return, and it helps me as well emotionally/psychology and in terms of personal development.
Maybe my ideal path in life would be Heisenberg-esque internet drug lord, followed by a lifetime of fulfilling charity work with a loved one, interspersed with mad scientist/evil genius/supervillain schemes.
I could start out with a cardboard booth like this in San Francisco:
"Free advice from an autistic hermit sage." While wearing a black cloak like this for various reasons, such as being too awkward and anxious to have my face visible, tying me to an identity.
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2015-11-20 at 12:05 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionChrist, I've read so much about fun jobs, dream jobs. Realistically, there really is nothing out there if you aren't a people person, someone who can be happy just speaking and interacting with average people, whoever you come across. Everything is severely flawed. When people talk about their work, it's usually about things other people did, it's the people, the environment, that make them enjoy it somewhat, or that it's easy, relaxed, pays well. But as for that actual feeling of fulfillment, especially constantly/every day? I can't imagine it.
"What I thought my dream/ideal job/career would be like -> what it's actually like"
Complete disillusionment. Or maybe it really is never having developed properly, begun on the decathlon of life, become an adult. "I love what I do." After you do it day after day, doing what other people tell you, dealing with the commands/desires of others, the ugliness of reality, what people are like, the customers, the competition to move up the ladder, decade after decade once it's long been routine and lost all novelty?
Makes suicide seem like an inevitability. -
2015-11-19 at 8:17 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionTook some 7,8-DHF along with a bit of etizolam and went to an East-Asian grocery store to stock up on stuff. Seems to have caused a potent and rapid anti-depressant effect. I've mentioned this before, my "cyclic psychopathy" observation, which could align with the evolutionary biology theory of depression, depressive symptoms reducing the risk of aggression from others and increasing the chance of help (normally this would be in a tribal or at least ethnically homogenous setting, much closer-knit/geographically limited communities (people generally died within 50 miles of where they lived before long-distance transportation, IIRC)), loneliness having a clear purpose, like hunger, due to the immense advantages/importance of being in a group.
Currently viewing all Futurama episodes and I really identify with Bender. That annoying/slightly cringy habit most people probably have to some extent of imitating a character(s) to some degree. Empathy plummets, desire to be with other people. Closer to the egomaniacal "Fuck everyone but myself! I'm the only one that matters and the greatest being in existence! I'll kill every last filthy human on Earth!" mentality that used to be persistent in my younger years.
Highly effective drugs + VR = people replacement. Hrrrngh, continue on the path toward likely soul shattering regret and self-destruction or accept what would likely be years of immense struggle, suffering, pain, and discomfort in order to develop/blossom and finally allow at least one person into my heart.
Right now I'm feeling "Man I wish I had a laser machinegun, superhero movement, and impermeability." -
2015-11-19 at 7:56 AM UTC in Here's another good forum to check out.
depressionforums.org you can find ebagger and myself , we are e-butt buddies here.. =(
Hahaha, losers! -
2015-11-19 at 6:49 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition
Yeah, well I thought about you alot today, Malice, especially on the ride home. Woman are fucking retarded. She picks me up and goes on about how horrible her baby daddy treats her, how he does nothing, how hes retarded, has a warrant over a ticket because he was scared to go to court thinking theyd get him on drug charges (lol hes really a stupid drug dealer and paranoid in all the wrong ways) and how her 18month old baby is driving her up a wall. On the way home she goes on about how she wants to get pregnant soon and try for a girl because she always wanted a little girl… like da fuk? With the same douchebag noless and she wants one now so she 'can have a life later'. Look, Ive fucked up, made bad choices, and I admit and accept that, but no fucking way in hell am I going to make shit worse with another child in my life, Im one and done with this baby. Fucking it blew my mind how fucked in the head and selfish she is being. Its not just her, its her two other kids and living with a man who beats her, verbally abuses her and does next to nothing for the kids. I reallynhad no words for her. That is the most retarded shit Ive fucking heard of. Shes not a bad person, just serious stupid…
I misinterpreted your post. At first I thought you we're talking about yourself, then I misinterpreted it as it sounding like your husband talking about you, double checked the username, don't know how he would have gotten ahold of your account, then finally realized you were talking about someone else and felt relief you weren't that crazy.
Anyway, if you ever want to fully understand gender, this is by far the best book ever written, from the basis of evolutionary psychology and studies, the immense amount of studies conducted/data available. Actually relatively short, easy to understand and get through, and absolutely fascinating, filled with a variety of information that will make so many things people wonder about the sexes suddenly make perfect sense: http://www.amazon.com/There-Anything-Good-About-Men/dp/019537410X
http://gen.lib.rus.ec