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Posts by Malice
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2015-12-16 at 8:08 AM UTC in I wrote a song with my dadWhat a disappointment, I expected to see him playing in the video.
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2015-12-16 at 5:43 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition
Havent had poltergeist activity in a while, but I got stoned, out doing laundry while the baby is sleeping. Swap the clothes into the dryer, reach out to shut the washer door, it slams on its own from being full open and not on an angle, no wind or breeze. It shut with force. I say 'thank you' continue on doing shit and as I reach the stairs to go inside I look back and realize there is np reason that should hsve happened. Then later I had a bottle of bleach fly off the counter ans land on a few dirty towels I was intending to take out to the washer. Guess they needed bleached? Oh well. Such is my fucked up life. If I cant get rid of it I might as well get used to it. Ive become quite used to shit randomly flying off shelves, tables and anywhere else shit shouldnt fly off from. When the mexican showed up I almost thought it was the poltergeists shit when I heard a voice out front. Now only if I could keep it out of my drugs. I cant really blame it, if I were stuck haunting my house, Id want to be doing drugs too.. fuck Im not even haunting my house and I want to be using drugs.
You really should buy something cheap to keep on you and record everything throughout the day, especially if (you think) it's occurring frequently, beginning to occur frequently.
Damn, right, poor single mom. Well, they have some really cheap keychain cameras on eBay with surprisingly good quality.
At some point in the past I was experiencing auditory, and then minor visual, hallucinations/distortions from schizomimetic effects caused by prolonged excessive cannabis use, which had exacerbated my natural anxiety (tweaker peaking), particularly toward the end when I combined it with agmatine, which enhances CB1 signalling and elevated levels of which may be related to schizophrenia, the worse episode being when I was sleep deprived, which I don't handle well at all. It was a psychological addiction, self-medication. Incredibly stupid, the cannabis I had grown didn't feel right, it must have been the lack of terpenes, which was the cost of the amazingly low odor, and I was using already vaped material simply due to dysfunction, rather than buying or growing more. Before I didn't think I would ever be susceptible to addiction, that I would simply see that the overall utility, the state of my life, was far worse than before and it was logical to stop. It was self-medication for depression, to avoid the rebound the day afterward, the nights that felt unpleasant enough to compel me to use more, hoping that I would get the effects I had long since stopped receiving, despite it never being different. I realized that what drove many addicts wasn't their love for the drug, but the unbearability of sobriety, the ritual, the cycle, at least distracting you for some time from what must have been some profound sense of emptiness, dissatisfaction, inadequacy, that was unaltered reality.
I remember posting that I thought it was someone playing creepy music over speakers at night, or possibly some film, maybe doing it to mess with people. There were illegal street races in the area, I thought it may have been from there. Possibly just noises from the rail yard. Even taking trying to record it, although the quality of the devices I had was too low. Fortunately I stopped before it may have been too late.
Accepting the possibility that you may be developing serious mental illness is difficult and uncomfortable, but ignoring it won't help. It could be something less serious, it doesn't necessarily mean you're going to permanently go crazy, that this will continually worsen; many people can develop symptoms due to stress, and yours seems pretty extreme on top of anxiety and depression.For a moment i thought that imgur pic was you.
It is. What made you think it wasn't?
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2015-12-16 at 5:18 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionHooooly fuck, I have no idea how I'm going to be able to convey everything to a psychiatrist in a reasonable period of time, providing enough information to give them an idea of just what they're dealing with, the severity of it, but also needing to provide enough information so that misunderstandings and misconceptions, an inaccurate perception, won't occur. The latter is very likely to happen due to this being so atypical, complex, and multi-faceted. This runs so deep, you've only seem a glimpse of how far the rabbit hole goes.
I've just been thinking about the overview of my life, everything I've noticed. My extreme level of (self) awareness, all the introspection I've engaged in, analysis and quantification of myself, the immense amount I've read, just delving into specific topics relevant to myself and my interests, what I wanted to understand about the world, extreme personality traits, contradictory, atypical, and fluctuating qualities, the bizarre traits and behaviors/responses I've noticed, absurd unnatural lifestyle, beliefs/worldview and how they came about, my history of self-development, the development of my mind, my mental architecture (how I gather/process information, the habits of the mind), autism memory providing me with so much information at my disposal, destructive lifestyle and how it (may have) effected my development, extreme intervention I've engaged in. An extreme rationalist, fine tuning the habits of the mind to overcome bias, emotion, which skews perception, being low to begin with and then being driven to near zero, aiming for strict adherence to rationality and objectivity, actively developing shamelessness, being brutally honest about myself and everything in my life, particularly after I fell apart and stopped engaging in self-deception (I remember bipolar high roller/1337/LLL stating "Malice is the realest nigga here."). Oh god, you know that scene from American Psycho where he goes over his morning routine? I spent such an insane amount of time, years, it must have been 10s of thousand of pages, countless hours, perfecting and fine tuning every aspect of nutrition/diet, exercise, then nootropics/medication/pharmaceuticals/drugs/supplements. It was a completely hollow life designed to prop up an artificial human being, and so much of it was just countering some of the extreme damage I was doing to myself. It was like a grotesque experiment a mad scientist would run on himself. And at the end I still fell apart and imploded. It was like running just to stay in place and still being swept back by the current. Everything I did only managed to reduce damage, delay the inevitable, and keep me in stasis at best; I'm confident that if I had not successfully intervened at the peak of my depression (Pure tranylcypromine/Parnate power sourced in bulk from a supplier in China and administered intrarectally to bypass the GI tract, eliminating the risk of a hypertensive crisis from excessive tyramine consumption without sufficient MAO-B in the GIT and need for an MAOI/low tyramine diet, along with NSI-189 and heavy lifting sessions (data from rat/mice studies showed greatest amount of neurogenesis occurred during periods of highest physical activity, and I did notice a distinct effect (I'll stop here)), two of the most powerful antidepressants available, was pretty hardcore.) I would be dead by now.
You know it's bad when it feels there's just so much, so much to say and the problems, limitations inherent to communication, that it feels like a...what's the word for when a jam occurs due to too many things trying to move through an entrance (If there is one. It feels like there should be, but nothing comes to mind.)? Might just be jam or congestion, but if feels like there should be something more specific. You don't know where to begin or it just feels hopeless, that there's no point in even trying.
It reminds me of a time Tacho was describing me in a thread on Zoklet and ended with something along the lines of, "How he exists is beyond me." This is what I was thinking towards the end. How the hell do I exist? What the fuck is wrong with me? You really don't end up like this without having something profoundly wrong with you to begin with. Then there are the thoughts of what could have been, what if I'd had actual support after testing as gifted in 1st grade, being placed in a school/class specifically for us, if I hadn't been going to a shitty minority school in south central LA (Teachers were actually pretty good and kids weren't that bad at that age, it was just...inadequate. With the reality of the distribution curves for intelligence, it's just so rare that there won't be enough students to justify the creation of something specifically catering toward them, particularly compared to some of the Silicon Valley school districts.), at least some additional enrichment program or a counselor, if I had had better parents, parents that weren't uneducated immigrants I couldn't relate to, that didn't feel so uninvolved and oblivious, had the guidance and support I needed to navigate life and make the most of everything. I was scoring in the 99 percentiles on the Stanford-9 without studying, without an advanced curriculum/the advantage of a gifted program, and there was nothing from my parents, no real rewards or encouragement I can remember, help with homework, reading to me or discussions, taking me out to see the world, to develop, encourage and support passions/interests, no tutors or private classes; it wasn't neglect, it was just inadequacy, nowhere near what I could taken in. At the very least they was a style of uninvolvement common among the lower classes many people just don't understand. I'm not the kind of person that feels resentment toward them, they're fortunate to have experienced otherwise, but there also tends to be this inaccurate narrative portrayed about the reality, to excuse this; they weren't working two jobs and exhausted (the lower classes are much less likely to work long hours), there's just this massive gap in intelligence and knowledge, traits that lead to long-term poverty; most people don't fucking read, they don't thoroughly discuss and plan out parenthood, read books on optimal pregnancy and child rearing, engage in anywhere near the same attempt at enrichment activities, the multitude of activities you might see educated middle/upper class Whites provide their children, or the involvement to drive academic success from East Asian parents. If this is what I was scoring in those circumstances, what the hell could have been my full potential?! Received some treatment for or avoided whatever may have been causing some of my problems (anxiety was major), if I hadn't gone to that godawful middle school where I hated the environment so much, found it so confusing, that I completely lost interest in school and just withdrew, whether I just needed a better environment and more stimulation than the world could provide (I've noticed that during some fooling around at Occupy events, when I got arrested twice, I actually felt calmer and more normal than ever before, despite normally having an extreme persistent level of baseline anxiety, particularly outside and around people, the more people and sensory information there was, actually struck up conversations with people and socialized, which normally I would literally never do.), if I had been challenged and engaged, found my peers, people I could relate to, if I hadn't completely closed myself off emotionally and isolated myself to an extreme degree, engaged in constant rumination afterward, how I may have developed differently if I had felt differently and given people a chance, if someone had managed to get through to me (No one ever managed to, no student or teacher, despite their attempts, how many girls expressed interest that I responded to by shunning and completely ignoring them every single time. Not out of typical reasons like mistrust, paranoia, anxiety; fuck, a lifetime of thoughts, the magnitude that occur when you spent your entire life inside your head. I'm not sure if anyone could have done it. Maybe the right technique, a strong enough effort, rare/unique enough person I could identify with. Well, it didn't happen and no one owed me anything, there was no savior like there would be in a work of fiction.), break open my heart, if I had wanted to go to a good college and aimed for it, despite the flaws, knowing that the idea of the "college experience" was a joke to me, that I'm sure the vast majority of the classes and people wouldn't have interested me, just so I could have had the chance to possibly find a handful of people I could relate to, form relationships with. At that time, for whatever reason, my autistic traits were much more prominent; I did not understand the incredible amount of damage I was doing to myself, the importance and value of human relationships; I saw people as something to be analyzed like you would a separate species, but later realized that on an intimate level I did not understand people at all, or feel the connection to them you're normally supposed to, and I did not understand how to navigate and live life as a human being. Unlike most autists I understood people perfectly, their behavior wasn't a mystery to me, I just didn't like them, it felt that there were fundamental inadequacies, I had abstracted, deconstructed, and analyzed everything to oblivion, saw the flaws in everything and fixated on them, until I didn't want anything to do with them or society. Fuck, I could state the behaviors/predispositions I noticed, cite studies, the biology/neurology/genetics underpinning them, evolutionary/psychological theories, similar for the environment and its effect on me, the behaviors I engaged in, what I lacked/missed out on.
I genuinely was not curious about other people and their activities, I only wanted to be alone. I wasn't concerned about adhering to conventional morality and thought that family didn't deserve special treatment due to not having had a choice in who they were, because if we had been strangers I would never have associated with them, because they felt inadequate and mundane, uninteresting and insignificant. I remember being against love, any involvement with women, and even attempting to abstain from masturbation during puberty because I felt it was animalistic, I didn't like the biological drive and emotions, the irrationality, skewing my behavior, I saw how shallow most relationships were, what drove their initiation. I didn't even want to have emotions because I felt they were a barrier to full mastery over myself. Who the fuck does that, who decides that, in their early teens? That they want to live this way and detach themselves from everyone, refuse to barely speak to anyone unless necessary, even their own family? Who leaves their family without a word and genuinely doesn't feel anything for them, any guilt or regret, or even think about them, until they finally break down and go into a major depressive episode, which may simply have the effects of ruminating thoughts, guilt and increased empathy, stemming from a natural biological trigger arising from evolutionary pressure? How do you go a decade like this without feeling loneliness or wanting to change? What the hell does this do to your development? Literally missing out on every major life event that requires other people, absolutely devoid of meaningful human relationships and experience, of warmth.
This does not occur without having something profoundly wrong with you to begin with, without developing abnormally, coming away without massive damage.
https://www.reddit.com/r/Psychonaut/...epression_and/
"This can't be what life is supposed to feel like, the human race would never have survived."
I was not experiencing conscious reality the way normal people do, I did not have a normal sense of empathy and connection to others, something within the social regions of my brain must have been profoundly abnormal, malfunctioning, misshapen, absent? Caught in one of the most vicious cycles imaginable, a perfect storm leading to an utter psychological trainwreck. I destroyed myself.
Aaaand then, suddenly, one day it all hits you, it all breaks (comes tumbling down, tumbling down, tumbling) down, and you realize how unhappy you are, that you're never going to happy like this. You realize what a mistake you've made, the years of your life you'll never get back, the overwhelming guilt and regret, the damage you've done, innate flaws that were there to begin with, for which there may be no cure, question whether you'll ever (re)gain any semblance of normality, whether happiness would even be enough, whether, analogous to the Allegory of the Cave, you've permanently ruined the world for yourself, will never see things the same again, be able to be satisfied by them, everything seems overwhelming and insurmountable, you begin to question whether you even want to be a part of this world, with its ugliness, with your inability to see any path for meaning and fulfillment in life, questioning what it amounts to, the nature of consciousness, metaphysical uncertainty,the potential horrors the future can contain, are within the realm of possibility that we already know of, whether there's anything to be feared from death and if it's preferable to facing this horror for only...uncertainty.
It is not normal to be fixated on these issues, to feel this way, in what are supposed to be the prime years of your life. Jokingly I would refer to my condition as terminal autism. I've also described it as cancer of the soul, feeling like you've skipped being a teenager and went straight to being an old man, having a foreboding sense that death is near, feeling like your in the final stages of your life rather than the beginning, that you're dying inside, that it's become literally painful to simply be alive, you imagine that this is what the beginning stages of terminal illness feels like, feeling like one day you're simply going to wake up and begin coughing up puddles of blood.
And this is only an overview.
Thank god I have etizolam and have decided to stay on it until I get some Nardil. I need the most powerful antidepressants available, and I've driven myself to the point where by themselves they still wouldn't be enough to allow this to continue. Imagine if one day something changes and you understand exactly what went wrong at every point, the veil drops and you are the eyes that can see themselves, what was never meant to be seen, and yet here you are, trapped in this grotesque monstrosity, the most absurd of absurdities, powerless to change the past and ever regain what you've lost, not knowing what can be salvaged. Through some shift, either by chance, some natural progression of your body, some physiological change, or inadvertently from the myriad of interventions, substances and techniques, you've taken to an extreme, the overwhelming amount of theories as to the etiology and abnormalities making it uncertain just what occurred, for the first time in your life you identify the distinct of feeling loneliness, of longing for others, a desire for relationships, people in your lives, to learn about them, everything that you genuinely could not see before due to what must have some profound form of autism or likeness of it. Somehow you've managed to do what almost no one could, but you are now in the worst position possible. Everything that's occurred, everything in your mind, the conditioning, habits, perceptions that have been cemented through the countless repetitions occurring under an autistic lifestyle of being trapped within yourself, the constant rumination, the rigidity of (patterns of) thought, of ideology and responses; when the veil of human emotion drops and your detachment has reached the level where you are unable to see things other than the way you know they really are. The damage that must have occurred, the complete lack of experience, being unrelatable, with this past, an empty life; you're so far behind everyone else and the kind of people that may be the only ones you would want in your life forever unattainable. You have driven yourself to nothing, there are no friends, acquaintances, family, relatives, coworkers, and this is not using strict definitions, no one you lost touch with and could reconnect to; there is simply no one there. The most profound sense of disillusionment, alienation, and isolation. Kafka on steroids.
...There is an idea of who I am, some kind of abstraction, but there is no real me, only an entity, something illusory, and though my mask of sanity shattered long ago and I stopped being able to hide my cold gaze, the utter lack of humanity within my eyes, and you can sense through every movement that there is something profoundly wrong, with me, if you dare or are simply oblivious you can even shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours, confirm the reality of something so seemingly aberrant and disturbing, and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are completely incomparable, you miss the most horrifying truth of all: I simply am not there. It is hard for me to make sense on any given level. Myself is fabricated, an aberration. I am a noncontingent human being. My personality is sketchy and unformed, my heartlessness goes deep and is persistent. My conscience, my pity, my hopes disappeared a long time ago if they ever did exist. There are no more barriers to cross. All I have in common with the uncontrollable and the insane, the vicious and the evil, all the mayhem I have caused and my utter indifference toward it, I have now surpassed. I still, though, hold on to one single bleak truth: no one is safe, nothing is redeemed. Yet I am blameless. Each model of human behavior must be assumed to have some validity. Is evil something you are? Or is it something you do? My pain is constant and sharp and I do not hope for a better world for anyone. In fact, I want my pain to be inflicted on others. I want no one to escape. But even after admitting this—and I have countless times, in just about every act I’ve committed—and coming face-to-face with these truths, there is no catharsis. I gain no deeper knowledge about myself, no new understanding can be extracted from my telling. There has been no reason for me to tell you any of this. This confession has meant nothing…. -
2015-12-15 at 11:33 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionOh, I found a thread from Zoklet I had mentioned before. Anything using search function generally isn't archived due to the time limit, but tags work great! Never thought of this because I had never used tags or really noticed them, so it didn't cross my mind. Now I could probably find any thread I wanted if I remember a key/unique/uncommon word in the title.
What Happens When You Fight Against Ego Death and Take a Beating
http://web.archive.org/web/201409092...d.php?t=261029Oh man, I hope. It's be cool if you turned me onto drugs which eventually turns me into a junkie and in exchange I can turn you onto emo and you end up being a post-hardcore emo nigga.
Shaved everything, including my mustache. Last time I had shaved the latter was in 3rd grade (no joking, not that I had a mustache by then, just some hair that I must have thought was overly noticeable at the time). Doesn't look as weird as I expected it to, before I had the thought that the more of my face was covered the better, along with having a general preference for masculine features. Definitely seem to have less of a crazed look compared to my never shave/manicure/trim standard before. Jawline is too weak, though, probably underdeveloped due to a lack of speaking and chewing tough food. I've honestly thought about buying a thick piece of leather, some sort of dog toy, teething thing for babies, or just bulk sugar free gum, possible unflavored as well, just pure bulk gum base.
The transformation has already begun. You need only look into my eyes, latin charm in full force.
Full zoom, centered on the face: http://i.imgur.com/QGpggs7.jpg -
2015-12-14 at 10:40 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionI've had a recurring mild urge to stab myself in the heart lately.
Been listening to this on repeat. Officially emo.While you're probably sitting on a bunch of recreational drugs…
You can reach a point where even drugs can't touch the pain and make life bearable enough to continue. Hope you never reach it. -
2015-12-14 at 5:37 AM UTC in All I think about is animal abuse, heartbreak, killing, drugs, suicide, & pedophiliaThe only reason it's damaging, if consensual, is because other people make it damaging. The way their parents raise, teach and condition them, school, peers, societies, and their reactions.
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2015-12-14 at 5:28 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionCrying while grocery shopping because it feels so empty, on the way home, thinking sad thoughts while washing the dishes. Good old depression.
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2015-12-13 at 12 PM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionhttp://mentalhealthdaily.com/2015/09/20/6-new-autism-medications-2015-drugs-in-clinical-trials/
2 and 3 definitely sound like things I want to try.CM-AT is a drug under development by Curemark for the treatment of the core and non-core symptoms of autism spectrum disorder. It is Curemark’s most promising pipeline drug and was considered both safe and effective in clinical trials. Due to the preliminary safety, lack of adverse effects, and efficacy – the drug was granted “Fast Track†designation by the FDA and is currently pending FDA approval.
The drug functions primarily by targeting enzyme deficiencies among those with autism. By correcting these enzymatic abnormalities, CM-AT is believed to increase the availability of amino acids, and thus ameliorate many core and non-core symptoms of autism including: repetitive behaviors, self-stimulation, social deficits, and hyperactivity. The drug has also demonstrated efficacy in addressing irritability, a common non-core symptom of autism.Trichuris suis is considered a “whipworm†parasite that grows between 3 cm and 8 cm and lays tiny oval shaped eggs that are yellowish-brown in color. While it may sound off-putting to consider administering porcine whipworm eggs to an individual with autism, there’s some evidence to suggest that these eggs may effectively treat symptoms. Some experts believe that autism is caused by abnormal autoimmune responses stemming from excessively hygienic environments.
These autoimmune responses can contribute to excess inflammation and ultimately impair neurological development, possibly manifesting as autism spectrum disorders. In attempt to alter this autoimmune response, Coronado Biosciences is developing a new drug CNDO-201 which uses porcine whipworm eggs (Trichuris suis ova) as the active ingredient. CNDO-201 is believed to act as an immunomodulatory agent, dampening heightened homeostatic immune responses.
The dampening of the autoimmune responses among those with autism is thought to decrease neuroinflammation and ultimately improve core symptoms such (e.g. repetitive behaviors) and non-core symptoms (e.g. irritability). Currently, CNDO-201 is in Phase II clinical trials and appears to be safe (non-pathogenic) and effective. While more research is required to verify safety and efficacy of CNDO-201 in larger populations, it may serve as a novel, futuristic treatment for autism.
Parasitic eggs, cool. Was actually reading about autism and neuroinflammation before this. Very interesting information related to this could be relevant to loneliness/social isolation and depression as well.
http://www.beinghuman.org/article/interview-john-cacioppo-science-lonelinessSandra Aamodt: Is the chronic cortisol elevation in lonely people severe enough to damage the hippocampus and memory?
John Cacioppo: David Bennett published a longitudinal study over eight years showing that loneliness, above objective circumstance and depression, predicted cognitive decline and onset of dementia in at-risk individuals. The mechanism could be either hippocampal damage from high levels of cortisol or inflammatory biology. A study in 2010 showed that if you induce a stroke in a mouse that’s housed alone or in a pair for two weeks beforehand, the isolated mouse shows three times the neural damage and is more likely to die. If you block interleukin 6, the two groups look the same, suggesting a role of inflammatory processes in making neural damage worse.
https://www.reddit.com/r/Nootropics/comments/2crnjr/could_depression_be_linked_to_brain_inflammation/ -
2015-12-13 at 9:44 AM UTC in The sophist hate thread
FDR club? Like the president? He was bretty dope tbh
That gimp did not know what he was doing. He's the Reagan of the left. -
2015-12-13 at 6:09 AM UTC in bundy and alcoholMy guess would be from the effects on GABA receptors. I hardly know anything about bundy, never used or been interested in it. This may only be relevant at the high (retarded) doses he and sploo use. Maybe there's excessive glutamate at some point, a rebound effect, that would be offset by this. I doubt this is good info, though.
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2015-12-13 at 5:53 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition
Have you ever read any of Camus' work? I don't think "never happy, never lived life" is really a fair characterization, he was famously vivacious. Part of the widely believed myth of what existentialism is, the exceptional willingness of the public to misappropriate a term with no context as towards what it meant before. The "maybe things just are" is indeed what Camus considered and claimed to have an answer to, it seems like if you're so committed to a world without inherent meaning you'd be interested in one of the relatively few coherent philosophers in history who would have agreed with you.
No, I was referring to myself. It's funny, you have a way of misinterpreting things sometimes that's characteristic of typical Asperger's syndrome, along with the way you sometimes respond.
I just did everything wrong to have a happy and fulfilled life, to flourish and fully develop as a human being. It's really incredible in a way, how deep it goes. I had extremely skewed development, the proximal cause of which could be the etiology of some aspects of autism. In retrospect, I looked at humans as something to be analyze, like you would analyze a separate species, such as chimpanzees, being an extreme systemizer I didn't have the typical affinity for the hard sciences/STEM field because I found them dry and unsatisfactory, I think I saw humans and their various aspects, human societies, as the most complex systems of all, but on an intimate level I really didn't understand them at all. I did not understand how to navigate and live life as a human being.
Ah, that reminds me of how I was crying earlier during a bout of melancholy. -
2015-12-12 at 7:25 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionReading through the last Zoklet TRTs.
I just realized something, Hydro's reason was always that she had a husband, but that isn't applicable anymore, she has no one. Not only that, but pregnancy and lactation also increase the size and firmness. I seriously don't care, don't PM or email me your tits thinking that's what I want, Hydro, I just felt compelled to make everyone who's still here aware of this because of how many times they were asked before.
It's a shame the site isn't nearly as active as it used to be. If it was you could do a sort of crowdfunding things in exchange for this, get a double boost from it being Christmas and people pitying you for being a depressed poor single mom. $20 is $20. -
2015-12-12 at 6:04 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionhttp://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/meaning-of-life
“You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.†― Albert Camus
I don't think I'd ever searched for meaning of life quotes before this, because I've always had a critical mentality, been critical of the masses. Generally they're pseudo-profound nice sounding feel-good tidbits that don't actually mean much. My stock answer to being asked would be, plainly: "Why do things have to have meaning? Maybe they just are. I don't think life has any inherent meaning."
But it's funny that the top quote was this by Camus. Never happy, never lived life. -
2015-12-12 at 4:09 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition
One of the waitresses started selling her used panties online for extra cash and has made like $200 in 3 weeks so far, I need to get it on that
What kind of person, particularly among women, admits that IRL? Either a shameless slut, the oblivious type, or my kind of person. -
2015-12-11 at 11:23 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionNot everyone can pull it off, just look at §m£ÂgØL. You need the right genes, those glorious European genes, particularly Northern European, if you want a beautiful full beard. Native Americans were known generally being unable to grow much facial hair, which is why you get the patchy mexi-stache style beards from people like §m£ÂgØL due to their admixture with
Amerindians; although, it's a genetic lottery, and ancestry composition can vary a lot by region. East Asians have similar problems, along with neoteny (baby face/retention of chidlike characteristics), which is a major part of why their average ratings for attractiveness are the lowest. I'd need to get back on steroids and minoxidil to make even a short beard worthwhile, something to accentuate my jawline, which is what I was using when I took that shirtless muscular pic I posted over a year ago on Zoklet.
There are always members of disadvantaged groups who can still manage to grow gnarly beards. Example:
I am not one of them, though. It doesn't seem uncommon for some people to be extremely slow/late developers who can't grow a full beard until they're in their 30s or even 40s.
I definitely prefer rugged looks to pretty boys. I predict that good mature women generally will as well, being drawn to stereotypical pretty boys is probably a bad sign. -
2015-12-11 at 10:09 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionAww yiss, some nice rain going, then suddenly a bright flash I quickly recognize as lighting, take off my headphones and, wait for it
...
THUNDER!
This reaction will probably seem odd to many of you, but it's surprisingly rare in the bay area. Many of the driest cities are in CA. Reminds me of being a child and looking out a window during a good thunderstorm period, hoping for really big arcs of lighting close by, beautiful patterns, followed by a sharp clash and earth shaking rumble.
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2015-12-11 at 9:55 AM UTC in Does anyone else get euphoria from drinking waterHaven't felt that in a long time. Conditions need to be just right. Right weather, level of thirst/time since last drink, temperature of water.
Try breathing in freezer air, that's a good one for euphoria. Similar feeling, like it's in the same class. -
2015-12-11 at 8:03 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionI'd be up for it.
Shaved everything, including my mustache. Last time I had shaved the latter was in 3rd grade (no joking, not that I had a mustache by then, just some hair that I must have thought was overly noticeable at the time). Doesn't look as weird as I expected it to, before I had the thought that the more of my face was covered the better, along with having a general preference for masculine features. Definitely seem to have less of a crazed look compared to my never shave/manicure/trim standard before. Jawline is too weak, though, probably underdeveloped due to a lack of speaking and chewing tough food. I've honestly thought about buying a thick piece of leather, some sort of dog toy, teething thing for babies, or just bulk sugar free gum, possible unflavored as well, just pure bulk gum base. -
2015-12-10 at 11:01 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionPlantains are great. Bananas are too sweet, bred to be much sweeter than normal, for populations conditioned to high sugar diets. Really only worth eating when black, fried. A flaw most people seem to make with fruit is choosing whatever looks aesthetically pleasing. No no, anyone that knows their fruit knows that it's often the ugliest that's the best, short of being moldy and split open; discount rack is preferable, if they have one. Plantains are fully ripe when black, not yellow, and they aren't mushy when opened in that state, but a really nice golden color, and a heartier flavor.
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2015-12-10 at 8:27 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionLanny, how's your emotional state? I'm asking you because you're intelligent and can communicate effectively, and generally seem to be well adjusted and successful, have an adequate level of psychological health/well being and feeling of fulfillment, a good state in life; in general have the required qualities for an optimal control subject, for drawing data on the normal and healthy.
Like, you know how there's a certain feeling associated with a childhood state? You mentioned that the defining characteristic of your memories of early life seem to be a feeling of confusion, of regularly feeling confused. I'm referring to some of the positive aspects though, that distinct "childlike" quality. What is it...novelty, curiosity, a sense of wonder, a certain difference in the quality of emotional experience. You may not be old enough, but do you feel your emotions have dulled over the years? It seems this is generally a natural part of aging. For example, think of how there's commonly a great shift in reading material from fiction to non-fiction. Do you have memories of how enjoyable becoming lost in a good fiction book could be? Are you still able to feel that now, and if so, does it feel much weaker than used to? Video games are a very good reference point as well.
I've joked about you being a computer science major and the qualities associated with it multiple times, but there's some (a great deal, on average) truth to that. I recall asking you whether you had noticed that libertarians seemed to be over represented in your field and you stated CS majors tended to be aspies/autists or something of that nature. I also remember you posting pictures of a place you used to live in as a child, of the natural scenery, and remarked something like "Holy shit, did I really live here?". A later time you mentioned that you were the kind of child that was more interested in being on a computer than outdoors, I think you mentioned something related on the prior point about the place(s) you lived in as a child, that you didn't really appreciate it at the time. Now, what I'm getting at is, there are fundamental problems with theory of mind, of the limits of information and experience, but do you feel satisfied with the range and depth, the intensity, of emotion you're able to experience? Does it seem significantly stunted compared to others? Have you ever wondered whether you're experiencing things to the fullest extent possible, or at least some vague satisfactory degree. Like, have you seen people watching or participating in something, possibly been with others, and noticed that their emotional reactions seem to be much more frequent, stronger, and have a broader range?
What this is leading up to, an old time favorite of mine, one of my fascinations: https://www.reddit.com/r/Nootropics/comments/3vnhh5/neuralstems_ceo_wrote_a_blog_post_about/
NSI-189. It's regularly reported to induce these effects. This has been speculated for some time, but as he recently corroborated, it may be of some use for those at a healthy baseline as well. Unfortunately you're too young to likely need to reverse any effects of aging, you're still developing, but it does have the potential to be one of the most powerful enhancers. And when I say that, you must understand that this is leagues beyond anything else, which largely only provide relatively minor and parochial effects, particularly for those without deficits that are attenuated by the specific mechanisms of action. No, this has a genuinely novel MOA, it induces rapid and lasting neurogenesis in specific areas of the brain which are beneficial. In rats/mice an increase in volume around 20% was observed.
Other benefits noted as well. Just wide ranging anti-depressant effects that could even benefit people who don't qualify for a diagnosis. Internal monologue, negative thought patterns, rumination, optimism, energy/drive, mental clarity, cognitive endurance etc. There's also the very interesting option of using it to "reprogram" behavior. It could be used to rapidly accelerate the acquisition of skills, for the purpose of self-improvement, to change aspects of yourself you dislike and would like to change/improve.
Just planting the thought in your head, that the option is available. If you find that your father's passing, when the time comes, has a much stronger and enduing negative effect than you expected and would like assistance, this could be very helpful...
