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Posts by Malice
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2015-12-06 at 7:22 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionI feel like I thought myself to death.
I wonder how many people like me there have been throughout history, how their lives turned out. I'd like to know what percentage ended in suicide and what the typical age was. -
2015-12-05 at 11:35 PM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionHoly fuck, how can you be this stupid and reckless?
https://twitter.com/redsteeze/status/672833741954355202
https://www.reddit.com/r/news/comments/3vfwvn/journalists_storm_san_bernardino_shooters/cxn5okx
>EDIT: MSNBC had someone hold up the guy's Driver's Licence and Social Security card to the camera. Where the fuck are the local police or FBI?
EDIT 2: OH, WAIT, NEVERMIND, THAT WAS THE LICENCE AND SOCIAL SECURITY CARD OF THE GUY'S MOTHER THAT THEY SHOWED ON LIVE TELEVISION. SILLY ME.
>If I'm understanding this correctly, MSNBC broadcasted uncensored imagery of social security documents that belong to the suspects mom?
>Yep, along with her driver's licence, so they also showed her appearance, her physical description, her date of birth, and her home address.
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2015-12-05 at 10:11 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionhttps://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autobiography_of_Mark_Twain Never heard about this before. Some of his views, particularly his later writing (The Mysterious Stranger) leads me to believe it could be worth reading.
https://www.reddit.com/r/books/comments/1y1dez/what_biographies_are_worth_reading/Mark Twain's autobiography. He gave strict instructions that it not be published until the 100th anniversary of his death. So he would feel free to speak his "whole frank mind". It is uncensored in its entirety.
Christ it's long as fuck, but it's something I've had the desire to do, a thorough examination of the life of someone intelligent, knowledgeable, interesting, etc. who lived a full life. I want to know what it's like to be a real person. -
2015-12-05 at 9:33 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition“A purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved.†― Kurt Vonnegut, The Sirens of Titan
I read the book a while ago because Constantinople (I think that was his username) recommended it, he made some comment about it and it stood out to me, in part because it was from him. Can't remember which forum it was on. I didn't want it to be true, I probably wanted to avoid it more than almost anybody (there could well be worse people out there, serial killers, psychopaths, extremely jaded and wounded/damaged people, the kind of guys that took part in acts by people like the Nazis, or during the Inquisition and enjoyed it), but Vonnegut probably got as close to an answer as you're going to get.
Although, perhaps one day drugs and other interventions will replace the need for actual people in my life, and I'll see things differently, become a perfected version of my past self. -
2015-12-05 at 4:37 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionOh, nevermind. I've thought about this before, and it's really my current state and mentality that's driving this. If I didn't feel this way these things would be much less significant, I would be much better able to handle, confront and analyze them, they wouldn't feel overwhelming and insurmountable. A healthy psychological base with emotional support, meaningful social relationships, my base state would be one of joy, shielding me from the pain, I'd still be able to confront this, engage in analysis, just without going into depression. I suppose a benefit is that I've experienced the abyss, all this darkness, to the deepest depths, seen the world from a perspective that in a way will always be a crucial part of my development . Although, something I did repeatedly feel was that the depression, every negative emotion I experienced, wasn't deep enough, it felt too empty and shallow, in part from a lack of life experience along with numbness. Then there are all the events that require an actual life, other people, to occur; loss, heartbreak.
Little Miss Sunshine:Dwayne: I wish I could just sleep until I was eighteen and skip all this crap-high school and everything-just skip it.
Frank: Do you know who Marcel Proust is?
Dwayne: He's the guy you teach.
Frank: Yeah. French writer. Total loser. Never had a real job. Unrequited love affairs. Gay. Spent 20 years writing a book almost no one reads. But he's also probably the greatest writer since Shakespeare. Anyway, he uh… he gets down to the end of his life, and he looks back and decides that all those years he suffered, Those were the best years of his life, 'cause they made him who he was. All those years he was happy? You know, total waste. Didn't learn a thing. So, if you sleep until you're 18… Ah, think of the suffering you're gonna miss. I mean high school? High school-those are your prime suffering years. You don't get better suffering than that.
Not serious, just a somewhat amusing scene it brought to mind. Hmm, the whole concept that you can't experience pleasure without having known pain is poorly thought out nonsense, but it does bring to mind whether the experience of suffering can provide benefits (realistically) unavailable elsewhere.
Also, I think I may be experiencing empathogenic effects from NALT: https://www.reddit.com/r/Nootropics/comments/32jjb0/ceretropics_caffeinenalt_solution_is_up_for_sale/cqdp5hq
I wonder if any people with Aspeger's/autism have reported on this. A feeling of loneliness and longing for people, a desire to have people in my life and wanting to learn about them and their lives, be a part of it. Also may have made imagination fueled masturbation considerably better. The experience has been pretty weak for a while, although it's unknown how much is from going long stretches without doing it.
And T-PAIN free acid definitely works for my depression, keeps me stable and from feeling severely depressed, the emotions of dysphoria and sorrow. The dose has to be increased, though, due to a much longer half life, extended release, and lower conversion to sodium or bioavailability, one of those as well. Also, as I've noted before, there's a clean effect if you're suddenly woken, particularly if you haven't received what would normally be enough sleep. For me the natural feeling of grogginess, of feeling like shit, isn't there, or if it is it's to a very mild extent. Could be good for waking up/getting out of bed earlier.
Selegiline/deprenyl may be smoothing out some of the effects amphetamine sulfate would normally have due to norepinephrine. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/14636968 -
2015-12-05 at 12:49 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionChrist there are a lot of therapists/psychologists/counselors/psychiatrists in the bay area. Makes it such a pain to choose the right one, particularly when you're such an atypical trainwreck like me.
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2015-12-04 at 11:34 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition*sobbing, while clinging to therapist's skirt* "Guhuhuhu, momma, I don't wanna die!"
Lanny, when you're older, you're going to be confronted by this, and if you don't run or turn away, if you fully face and delve into it, aren't or don't seek distraction in your daily life, from your career, hobbies, entertainment, relations etc. you may come to see the terrifying ugliness and inadequacy of the world. For example, you're very biased and resistant toward this idea, but you may find just how hard it is to find a woman you can truly consider an equal. I suppose it depends on what you want, but can you really imagine spending the rest of your life with someone that doesn't meet certain standards, that doesn't share certain interests, isn't capable or interested in having genuine (not illusory) deep conversations on complex and important, meaningful, matters? That doesn't adhere to an acceptable level of rationality and emotional control? Don't you see something profoundly wrong and terrifying with that idea? You should look into the neurology of love, it really is usually like a momentary lapse of reason, a mental illness; the reasons behind it are rarely particularly good, areas of the brain related to finding fault in things actually become inactive, or at least far less active, generally. You're already of being confronted by the finality of death, possibly questions about the (subjective) meaning, significance, of life.
The world is so fucked up. Only a child would think that an amoral evolutionary process, unguided, unplanned, by any intelligent force, would lead to an ideal world rather than one in which you're largely trapped in a biological reality through no choice of your own, struggling with questions on whether to accept what your nature has given you and yearning to break free.
Etizolam tints my world, keeps me safe from my troubles and pain. Etizolam keeps away the bad thoughts, takes away the pain. I wonder if this is why poor Casper became a heroin addict, used it for so long and to such an extent, his poor large heart just couldn't bear the pain of the world, of reality and existence, the inadequacy of it all. -
2015-12-04 at 10:31 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionI wonder if there's been any research to determine whether there's a correlation between hip size and desire for children among women. It's a theory I have, primed by a few observations (primed, not solely based on). It definitely effects fertility, and desire could be linked to the biological basis for both. Hip to waist ratio, attractiveness, femininity. There's bound to be hormonal correlations, I'm sure that's already been proven, it's not a stretch to think they would influence the desire as well, or even indirectly have a psychological skewing effect.
As I've mentioned before, the topic of children, particularly women and children, is profoundly depressing in a way. Christ, all this shit I think about, the overwhelming and insurmountable problems of the world, it's going to make my brain explode one day.
You really should do a search on this and skim through whatever looks interesting. It really is depressing, what people are doing to themselves, how it robs them of potential they could have had, how poorly thought out the decision usually is, driven my emotion and instinct, or occurring by accident. Some people really are happy, though, and it's a good decision for them, but you can't guarantee how your child will turn out and genes do matter immensely, you really can do everything right and still have them come out a massive pain in the ass heart wrenching fuckup. -
2015-12-04 at 9:45 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionPower tools are fucking scary. No shame in paying proles to do it for you, that's what they're for. I mean, am I right? *sips expensive bourbon in front of 20K worth of electronics*
I've had so many cool DIY ideas, though. I should have kept a record of my best ideas/thoughts in general. I mean I'm currently ___ (depressed, anergic, anhedonic, lost interest/given up on life) the way I am, but someone could possibly have put them to good use. A highly automated home to save time on mundane/menial tasks would be cool.
For example, I posted something close to this before except without the mechanical modification, imagine making one of these with a cover that automatically retracts (rolls up) and extends with the push of a button or something, maybe folds up in a way that water dripping isn't an issue. Especially if you lived in a place where it rains more:
With this graphic printed on the back, or whatever method would be best to use, I have no experience with art:
Oh god, why did I end up this way? There could have been so much I could have done... -
2015-12-04 at 5:55 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionYou should definitely look into nootropics. There are some genuinely promising options. As with many things, there are two markets, one for stupid people that are sold overpriced items of questionable efficacy, and one for the people who have done their research and know what they want. I'm sure they already have threads on recommendations for stroke recovery/brain damage.
https://www.reddit.com/r/nootropics/
www.longecity.org/forum/ -
2015-12-03 at 10:18 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition
If anyone wasn't aware already, I'm still alive alive have a good amount of clean time. I know a lot of you still here hated me for no good reason. and don't give a shit. Whatever, I won't be a regular here anymore, or the main boards or TC. It is nice to listen to and participle in non "PC" conversations and not have to worry about what family/friends thinks.
Again, I'm sure a few of you couldn't care less, but I've never hated anybody (except maybe zenith or PC) so I don't wish ill on anyone.
I've never hated you, although you seemed to think I did and were abrasive towards me, but I acted that way with everyone.
Is it true that you ended up losing your arm? Privacy Cunt mentioned this on TinyChat. She also said that your facebook page was the saddest thing she has ever seen and was full of AA quotes, May have been someone else that said something too, I can't remember all the details, but it was good gossip. -
2015-12-03 at 7:27 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionHow I feel before being about to finally admit everything to a psychiatrist/therapist.
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2015-12-03 at 6:14 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionhttp://i.imgur.com/WqKgWYx.gifv
Imagine having this running on loop, slowed down, on a cheap battery operated flat screen that could play video from a memory card or internal memory w/ USB connection, placed on the wall of a pre-school or kindergarten, whatever age group would be most traumatized by it. -
2015-12-03 at 5:53 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionWere you open and did you make an effort to connect? Did you ever cry?
I couldn't recall whether you had ever mentioned seeing a therapist or just a psychiatrist, someone to prescribe medication. You didn't seem like the kind that would be open to it, but would instead just bottle everything up. I suppose nearly everyone panics and realizes it's going to kill them, then seeks out help, eventually; even the extremely anti-social and reclusive like us.
Ten years is a long time. So you were seeing her since you were in your late teens? It's good that you found someone you could stick with for so long, even if you don't grow to like someone and consider them a friend, you at least get used to their presence after some time and feel more comfortable and open around them. -
2015-12-03 at 2:51 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionStill waiting for the first livestreamed mass shooting. What a godly day that will be.
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2015-12-03 at 2:35 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionHoly shit that San Bernardino shooting sounds insane.
http://www.pri.org/stories/2015-12-0...w-it-terrorism
What the fuck? Why would they target this place? And 3 people is pretty unusual.
What if...I'm actually responsible for multiple mass shootings, finding vulnerable people online and grooming them, psychologically manipulating and guiding, goading, them into committing these acts or framing them, setting them up as the fall guy? No, I'm not serious, just to be safe. -
2015-12-02 at 11:49 PM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition
Malice is killing people in San Bernardino as I type this, 12 dead so far
“Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible.†― C.G. Jung
TRTers would be prime for group therapy being TinyChat. Letting it all out and talking about the problems you don't have people to talk to and seek advice on IRL, everything that's been eating away at you for years.
I remember after one meeting with some people from my high school, over concerns they had, I think it was the principal, vice principle, and a psychologist/therapist/psychiatrist, I later went home and while walking somewhere I felt euphoric, possibly close to the happiest I'd ever felt. I think I may have heard someone from a car, possibly some black guys, say, "Man, you are gone." towards me while crossing a street. Wouldn't surprise me if it did seem that way, feeling almost like I was floating, "walking on sunshine". It's really pitiful that this is what made me feel so happy, but I think it was because after isolating and closing myself off for so long, to such an extreme, I felt understood to some extent and had had some of the serious conversation, the social interaction, I was starving for. I don't think I thought of this at the time, or if I did consider it I didn't take it to heart, because I was still so resistant to the idea of opening up to and accepting people.
Have you ever had a therapist, PoC? I doubt you're ready to accept it, although even if you did no one would know, but if you find a good one and go into it with this mindset, that you're finally really going to give it a try and be open to it, you may find yourself feeling better than you've felt in who knows how long. -
2015-12-02 at 9:12 AM UTC in your favorite schizoid is back
I don't care if I have to explain it that's going in my code
Aldra, pretend you're me, make a managerial decision: you find this, what would you do?
[pauses] Well, I gotta tell you: I'd be very, very careful who you talk to about that, because the person who wrote that... is dangerous.
[Gets up from the chair]
[Talking slowly] And this button-down, Oxford-cloth psycho might just snap, and then stalk from office to office with an Armalite AR-10 carbine gas-powered semi-automatic weapon, pumping round after round into colleagues and co-workers. This might be someone you've known for years. Someone very, very close to you. -
2015-12-02 at 8:41 AM UTC in WHY does anything even exist?Possibly this, I haven't read it, but it may be the best book for providing the scientific explanation for this, unless someone can suggest a better one: http://www.amazon.com/Universe-Nothing-There-Something-Rather/dp/1451624468
Why do things have to have a meaning behind them? Maybe they just are. If you didn't exist you wouldn't be capable of ruminating on your lack of existence, asking yourself why nothing exists instead of something. -
2015-12-02 at 8:38 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionWaking up unmedicated is terrible. Fortunately I've never had a panic attack, but lately I've been filled with a sense of panic, a feeling of dread, when I think about my state, overwhelming guilt and regret over the past, over a decade of my life I'll never get back, shock at the damage I've done (https://www.reddit.com/r/Nootropics/..._neurological/), knowing that this is something that's going to haunt me and that I'll have to try to make up for the rest of my life, along with feeling of being on the verge of imploding under the weight of my own existence, everything that's been building up, all the flaws of the world and philosophical/existential musings without satisfying answers. I mean, how the fuck do you come back from something like this?! How the fuck do you screw up this badly?! You don't end up like this without having something profoundly wrong with you to begin with. And on the other hand, either simultaneously or alternatively, I have an urge in the background to burst into hysterical laughter, were I capable of feeling such positive emotion in such a majorly depressed state with such a limited range and depth of emotion.
I wonder if my default state is actually hypomania in a healthy, nourishing, environment, one that provides the high level of stimulation I seem to need, that makes mundane reality woefully inadequate to the point of wanting to commit suicide. Can you imagine if Nardil actually did cause me to become hypomanic after all this, a lifetime of this grotesque inhuman experience, with my background, my thoughts and predispositions, ideas and habits? This is how you get the possibility of an IRL Joker being created.
If the psychiatrist I meet with suggests hospitalization I may accept just to break up the monotony in my life and so I won't have to be alone.