Posts by Malice

2015-12-10 at 7:48 AM UTC in Have you ever crywanked?

Malice Naturally Camouflaged

Everyone I love is going to die,
and I will die as well.
I think about this before I sleep,
and have since I was a child.
In my life will I make a difference?
In my death will I be missed?
Will I be granted some sort of an afterlife,
or will I just cease to exist?
This fear makes me feel so naive,
I wish that I could just accept,
but I'm chilled by the redundancy of
thoughts collected, but not kept.
Maybe I'm still a stupid little boy,
too weak to understand what will come.
I want to find peace of mind,
maybe no mind is the answer to that condundrum.

Oh I want to be a baby again.
Oh I want pure thoughts in my head.
Oh I want to be a baby again.
Oh I want to forget.

---

I like it. It borders on cliche and pseudo-depth, almost embarrassing, but in general what music truly conveys deep meaning? Novel concepts you genuinely hadn't considered/come across before, that truly move you and alter your worldview? Past the teenage years, for those with common levels of intelligence, being poorly read; well, rather, outside of that realm, you'll likely never find anything. How could a song manage to convey meaning that generally requires the length of a book? There's something else that's sought, that the medium provides. Some resonance, resonance with the soul, of past experiences, of some aspect, even the entirety, of your being; a stirring of emotions, a cycle of reinforcement with your state of being until you're caught in a rapture of furious movement, an internal storm, a nirvana where you lose yourself in the music.

Fuck, I want my emotions back.

2015-12-10 at 6:09 AM UTC in If you could be placed into suspended animation until the future like Fry in Futurama

Malice Naturally Camouflaged

Ha, do you think you even exist in my world?

I'm here, aren't I? If this wasn't part of your world, why would you be here? And it's not like you only pop in once a month for a few minutes. Don't lie.

But, if you mean IRL, then, yeah, I'm pretty much a ghost in that realm.

2015-12-09 at 12:56 PM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition

Malice Naturally Camouflaged

Homeless, for about the 4th time this year.

The suicidal's creed:

I did not ask for this
I do not like the way the world is
I do not like the way I am
I do not like life
I cannot see anything in the world for me
And so
I am very tired and would like to stop now

Pro-tip, get an emergency blanket, like these:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Survival-Blanket-reflective-thermal-first/dp/B004O793JY
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Weather-Blanket-Reusable-Orange-Silver/dp/B000BS01SW

It will at least keep you from freezing to death.

2015-12-09 at 12:51 PM UTC in If you could be placed into suspended animation until the future like Fry in Futurama

Malice Naturally Camouflaged

That seriously made you mad? Relax, gramps. Grouchy old man. *shakes head* You used to be cool, pops. What happened?

2015-12-09 at 12:10 PM UTC in If you could be placed into suspended animation until the future like Fry in Futurama

Malice Naturally Camouflaged

Freezer geezer!

2015-12-09 at 10:17 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition

Malice Naturally Camouflaged

Oh man, those threads are gold! I hope someone managed to make a copy of the forums, or at least the retarded threads. Seriously, why the fuck didn't we request that they at least focus on certain threads or forums first? Because we were apathetic, dysfunctional, and depressed as fuck like we are now?

2015-12-09 at 9:56 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition

Malice Naturally Camouflaged

http://web.archive.org/web/20140911022246/http://www.zoklet.net/bbs/showthread.php?t=304792

250 pages in just 4 months!

http://web.archive.org/web/20140909083235/https://www.zoklet.net/bbs/showthread.php?t=292410

420 in 6! And that's at 40 posts per page.

Meaningful human relationships. That is what one needs to have established IRL in order to have been able to successfully graduate from TRT/the totse communities and not implode/self-destruct.

2015-12-09 at 8:29 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition

Malice Naturally Camouflaged

Fuck, I don't want to play this game! I want of this ride!

2015-12-09 at 6:33 AM UTC in 2 reasons why I haven't been hanging with you niggers

Malice Naturally Camouflaged

I'm not darkhunter, you fucking morons. If I was, I would have killed myself before I was born, through sheer force of will.

I'm pretty sure Darth Beaver has been the one people have been referring to as "darkie".

There's no way you're darkhunter, you're like a cool well developed father figure.

2015-12-09 at 6:28 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition

Malice Naturally Camouflaged

No, he's way too manic and energetic to be me. I literally crippled myself. The few posts I make really don't convey this properly, IRL you don't have time to formulate detailed responses, edit, look up and link to information etc. I mean, if I became manic from drugs like Nardil and NSI-189, continued this lifestyle, I could see myself becoming like that. It's lifestyle that's going to be the critical factor.

I've come to understand exactly what went wrong at every point in my life. It was a combination of unfortunate negative predispositions/innate traits; habits of the mind/my worldview, the views I came to develop, negative behaviors/habits that developed; and the environment I was in. It all created a perfect storm leading to an incredible psychological trainwreck. One of the worst vicious cycles you could fall into. I absolutely destroyed myself. I suppose this is what happens when you try to live an inhuman life in a human body, it ended up being a completely hollow life simply propping me up and keeping me in stasis to some degree. As I've said before, if you're going against eons of evolution, you're probably going to lose. Yet, despite this understanding, here I am, I'm still in this position and in the worst state to manage it, to attempt to improve myself and work my way out, repair the damage.

Now I just need to fight against self-destructive impulses and the negative behaviors I've developed, mainly the vast array of habits of the mind, views on every aspect of human existence, long enough until treatment begins to have some efficacy and I can continue that train of development.

I kept fluctuating between viewpoints, dealing with the immense internal conflict from what had developed over such a long period of time, mainly my resistance towards accepting the need for others, for meaningful (IRL) relationships, questions about whether I even wanted to be a part of this world, whether happiness would even be enough, but finally made a decisive decision that without massive external intervention I was going to die. This has been killing me for over a decade, and looking at the literature that really isn't an exaggeration (The effects are much worse than obesity and smoking, more widespread).

Why I'm going to start seeing a psychiatrist and therapist regularly.

Even before that I need to figure out a way to properly convey this within the time I have. It's going to be interesting, being completely honest about everything and seeing the reaction. There's so much that could be said, the full story really needs to be saved for a therapist, even just writing this makes me realize that it's so complex and multi-faceted that I really do have to write and edit something beforehand to memorize, provide some guidance/a general outline for what to say. This is an absolute mess, even my verbal skills never properly developed, my ability to communicate. I'm not used to structuring/organizing my thoughts/ideas in a way that's optimal for conveying them others. There are certain issues, order, sequentialism, pre-requisites, you have to deal with, you know? In your own mind you already have this understanding and everything's just there for you to pull up as needed.

2015-12-09 at 5:33 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition

Malice Naturally Camouflaged

This is what I'm afraid of becoming: https://www.reddit.com/user/Isochroma-Reborn

2015-12-09 at 4:23 AM UTC in If you could be placed into suspended animation until the future like Fry in Futurama

Malice Naturally Camouflaged

Cognitive biases. People's memory, their general idea/image, of what the past was like tends to be greatly inaccurate and skewed.

2015-12-08 at 10:01 AM UTC in If you could be placed into suspended animation until the future like Fry in Futurama

Malice Naturally Camouflaged

Would you? Why?

Why would you want to? Maybe if you weren't satisfied with your life. Had some serious problem that may have a much higher chance of being solved in the future.

Just want to experience, live out your life, during a time that would be overall better. For those unfamiliar with these concepts, thought experiments, imagine if you were born in the 1900s, with that level of technology, where life pretty much sucked for the average person. Don't romanticize the past, rely on inaccurate portrayals, or resort to glorifying primitivism, simplistic lifestyles: http://www.raptitude.com/2011/01/a-day-in-the-future/
If you were faced with this same question back then, do you see why it would be appealing? The same objections would be brought forth. "Think of everything you would miss out on." You'd miss out on a period that sucked. You'd simply be expending your limited lifespan during one period instead of another. Is the current world really that great? Wouldn't you have preferred to have been born now so you could start off with access to all this great technology, with enormous benefits when properly utilized, not as they're wasted upon the filthy masses (proles). All of human knowledge available at your fingertips in an instant. Imagine how differently, more rapidly, history would have progressed if this had been available to the great minds of the past.

This would be much easier if you didn't have any ties, any relationships you would miss out on, but you could always form better ones, have a better life. People move to other places, countries, where they know few if any people all the time. If you felt guilty, had any loved ones, and this mattered enough to you, you could part ways with them beforehand so it wouldn't bring them sudden pain. It happens all the time, you have different goals, different paths in life, you enjoyed what you had, but want them to find someone else so you can each be happy and follow your dreams. Of course most people wouldn't understand, they'd pass judgement with about 5 seconds of thought, with an extremely shallow or no real understanding of the subject, bringing up criticisms as if they haven't been repeatedly addressed from multiple angles by people leagues beyond their intelligence and level of knowledge, particularly on this specific issue. If you are cowardly enough to bow to their influence, you do not deserve this regardless.

If you were worried about being thrust into a world without anything, about the future being worse. Well, there's always a risk. What if you had lived to that point anyway and were just an old man, worn down and in the worst state to adapt and deal with it? What if you had children of grandkids that would be growing up in the world? There's an enormous amount of popular misconceptions, poor/misinformation, boogeyman economics, but I think there fears are childish and unfounded. To deal with the first issue, maybe you could set up an investment and manage to reap a great amount of compound interest. Money may not even be an issue in the future, who knows what automation and robotics could do, other advances in technology, like energy being almost free; if states still exist it may be easy to get by on basic income.

Just want to gauge how many people here feel dissatisfied with their life. Don't like the world, wish it were different, feel alienated, isolated, mismatched. Just want something more, different, something that isn't this. Maybe just feel they want to "escape". Have problems that don't have solutions right now, or ones that aren't satisfying. How many are just afraid of change, the unknown, cowardly and complacent and satisfied with scraping by, a meager existence, because it feels more secure to them.

I would do it without hesitation, I genuinely have no ties to this world. Reanimate me when the singularity is here and we can merge with AI, or at least augment ourselves and surpass our standard biological/genetic limitations, break the chains of biology and cast off the tyranny of the double helix.

2015-12-08 at 6:15 AM UTC in San Bernadino Massacre, a military psychological operation?

Malice Naturally Camouflaged

>It's the nature of the album. The tracks follows you as you move through your own life. First you breathe, you're born and maneuver the early stages of life. You mature and run into crazy larger than life problems like time, money, religion (great gig in the sky), and war (us and them) and we struggle to find answers. And then you realize that there is no solution, there's just reflection and thought, and it drives you to lunacy trying to pinpoint one comforting answer. And then repeat, relating back to the struggles you'll encounter tomorrow

Time is definitely one of the defining songs for many members here. It seems that when listened to at earlier ages it's enjoyed, understood, but most don't really fully identify with it until they've lost their youthful energy and really realize this is me, this is what I've become.

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way.
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way.

Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain.
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today.
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you.
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun.

So you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking
Racing around to come up behind you again.
The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older,
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death.

Every year is getting shorter never seem to find the time.
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way
The time is gone, the song is over,
Thought I'd something more to say.

2015-12-08 at 6 AM UTC in BradleyB's Rock Bottom -- Recovery Thread

Malice Naturally Camouflaged

Bradley's AA honeymoon phase ended at least a week ago. He was in TC drinking with a fellow AA member, and since then he's been in and out smoking syncans out of an aluminum foil pipe and passing out between hits. True story.

He probably doesn't deserve to get better.

2015-12-08 at 5:40 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition

Malice Naturally Camouflaged

@Lanny

Not sure if I've mentioned this before, there are so many things I'm aware of even I can't keep track of everything at this point (I also suspect that treating autism spectrum disorder symptoms may also diminish some of the benefits), but have you read about theacrine? It seems to be an interesting alternative to caffeine, and I remember you stating that it works very well for you as a functional stimulant, if only it weren't for the tolerance, and this seems to function very similarly, except without the tolerance buildup. At the very least you may be able to cycle it with caffeine and could manage to have the benefits every day without any significant tolerance. Only downside is that caffeine is cheap as hell, so on a relative basis this is much more expensive, although the daily cost shouldn't be an issue for anyone well off.

2015-12-08 at 5:36 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition

Malice Naturally Camouflaged

The suicidal's creed:

I did not ask for this
I do not like the way the world is
I do not like the way I am
I do not like life
I cannot see anything in the world for me
And so
I am very tired and would like to stop now

2015-12-08 at 12:52 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition

Malice Naturally Camouflaged

Found out last night before work a dear friend whom Ive been out of contact with for a while died. Was going to message him and.. there was all this shit on his page 'In loving memory' ans such. I looked up his obituary because I didnt believe it. Last year he had just had a surgery to fix his colostomy, before that he had ruptured his intestine. Growing up he was like a brother to me, being the only child that I was. My dad was like a father to him aswell. He had a thing for me, and his mom was hoping Imarried him,y dad confided inme year amd years later. He had some form of autism (Im a magnet for crazy and the mentally ill) and she told my dad that he needed someone like me to take care of him. She was a buhddist back in those day and always said he had an old soul. He was very sensitive and got hurt easy. He died a virgin and the last conversation we had he mentioned being remorse over not staying in contact with me (it was my fault tbh) and that I would always be his sister he just wish there could have been more. He was openly jealous ofmy husband. He was agood guy and didnt deserve the shit lot life dealt him.

Reminds of myself. I wish I'd had someone to take care of me, or at least be my friend, but I didn't just isolate myself, I (almost) completely closed myself off emotionally as well. There's too much that could be said about why I ended up like this, but it happened. I feel like skipped being a teenager and went straight to being an old man. Looking back, I really was overly sensitive and hurt easily beneath everything, and I only made it worse.

inother news, my childmolesting, rapist Ex husband is saying hes going to take my baby- thats goingto happen over my cold dead body.

Hydro, if you end up shooting him, don't murder suicide, take out as many cops as you can before you go. Or don't commit a crime of passion, but take him out intelligently and dispose of the body. Another idea is for one of you to agree to get a life insurance policy and then have the other killed in a way that lets you cash out on it. You could put the money in a trust for your child, have someone manage it to ensure it would be spent on him how you wanted.

He's a child molester and rapist?

2015-12-07 at 6:45 AM UTC in Tool isn't actually that bad

Malice Naturally Camouflaged

Even in 8th grade I thought Tool was the gayest band ever. It's even in their name, it makes you a "tool"

I was tempted to post "Takes one to know one.", but then I saw this post and decided not to.

That doesn't really make sense, but there are multiple variations, although they don't sound as smooth.
Of course you think that, you identify with them.
â€‹Of course you think that, you're one too.
Takes one to like one.

I don't actually have anything against Tool or liking them, though.

2015-12-06 at 7:58 AM UTC in I take bundy and channel the Gods for 5 mins on the drums

Malice Naturally Camouflaged

What was that voice at the end?

This should be shown in university lectures. "A portrait of severe schizophrenia". Imagine if someone from the community actually was a professor, or a student giving a presentation, and the entire class completely bought it, was asked to analyze it afterward, give their opinion and point out symptoms. And during all this sploo was either sitting in the class disguised or behind a one-way (also commonly referred to as two-way) mirror, or at the very least, and more realistically, watching it being streamed live, with him on cam so we could see his reaction. Oh, maybe throw in an empathogen as well, something to make him more emotional, emotionally vulnerable/harder for him to contain his emotions.

Anyway, you were much better than I'd thought you'd be, I'm surprised you play an instrument. Maybe it's just my lack of reference point and artistic ability.

User Controls

Navigation