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Posts by Malice
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2018-04-21 at 8:22 PM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
Originally posted by Lanny Yout just don't get it MOM! I looked up autism on WIKIPEDIA! God, why don't you just let me live my life?!
Originally posted by Malice You'll regret not taking me seriously when I'm gone!
^^^
Are you serious or are you just trolling me? I've noted before that you responding like someone who's on the spectrum seems to be a recurrent issue. -
2018-04-21 at 8:03 PM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.You'll regret not taking me seriously when I'm gone!
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2018-04-21 at 7:51 PM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
Originally posted by gumbo Malice, that combo sounds like total shit. I mean if you're gonna die at least enjoy it. Why not opiate overdose or a nitrous oxide gas mask? Not that your way isn't effective, but IV a gram or two of good heroin and you'll probably reasonably die.
You don't know what you're talking about, §m£ÂgØL. The anti-emetics are necessary to ensure I don't simply vomit it, 2 of the drugs prevent the fear cluster, pentobarbital is the most peaceful way to die that I know of, and the flubro will potentiate it and guarantee that death without pain occurs. It's like going to sleep and never waking up again.
I've never tried NO2 and stay away from psychedelics because they're too dangerous with my psyche. I have a very strong predisposition for bad trips.
I agree that an opioid overdose is a good way to go, and when combined with a strong benzo you'll have a very high chance of death, I simply prefer pentobarbital. Oh, I forgot to add that I'm also planning on taking a strong long lasting opioid to ensure I don't suffer once my body begins to die. I just want the best death possible, one that's guaranteed. Not everyone responds well to opioids alone, let alone a deadly dose of them.
Originally posted by Lanny So basically you're just going to keep telling us your unending approach to suicide and your moral superiority for something you're planning at some indeterminate point in the future, expecting us to preen over you for it cand calling us heartless when we get bored with it.
Great, sounds like fun.
You're "higher functioning" than you have been in years malice. You're getting an education, you're forming relationships with flesh and blood human beings. I guess it's going to take you a while to start feeling that human projects rewarding relative to drug abuse but things are objectively going better for you than they had in a long time.
I feel pity for you, definitely, but I feel compassion too. I just don't think playing into your suicide fantasies or condoning your retarded patterns of drug abuse does you any favors. I'm not discounting your problems, I'm not saying "just try not being autistic", but I am saying that you both can, and need to, learn to cope with your problems without self medicating
I never claimed I was morally superior for making this choice.
I may be doing better than I have in years, yet I still have a strong single minded desire for death. I don't want happiness. Your view of why I want to commit suicide is too simplistic and I also don't care to fully elucidate. My reasons are a private matter and I don't have a desire to extensively discuss them with others.
No, coping without medication is never going to be enough for some people with genuine disorders. My brain is abnormal and I need medication to treat my ADD, anxiety, and social deficits. You wouldn't say this to someone with heart defect.
Your making the assumption that my absurd self-experimentation and stacks were the root of the problem, when what spurred me to such lengths was a desperate desire for deliverance from suffering. It likely saved my life multiple times. I'm confident I would be dead right now if I hadn't taken such drastic measures.
You assume far too much and it's incredibly annoying. -
2018-04-21 at 6:04 PM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.There are multiple interpretations of Buddhism. I don't believe in any form of mysticism. I don't believe you can genuinely entirely remove the desire of a biological vessel.
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2018-04-21 at 5:58 PM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
Originally posted by Lanny Yeah, but what's the timeframe on that? I'm just concerned about a perpetual "I'm about to do it guys!!! Any day now!" type situation.
Nah, I'm not gonna do that. If I post a farewell message it's going to happen.
No timetable. Something you need to understand is that my only reason to choose to live would simply be out of compassion for others who were unfortunate enough to be born and are suffering. The basis of my ethical system would be compassion, from seeing sentient life as something that should not exist, and suffering having the highest priority, being the baseline of Darwinian life, something we are constantly running away from, and a necessary driver of gene spreading for life in its current form.
Currently I agree with you that I am low functioning. Although, when you think of the masses, I suppose I'm not that bad. I have been able to go through some minor projects, extensive research, self-experimentation, and personal development. I mean, how hard would it be for me to get a degree in something like English from a mediocre college and then just get a generic office job? So far it seems I can at least handle getting through university alright. Are you so heartless as to have to pity for my plight? My life has been rather unfortunate in its circumstances and I am heavily autistic. When I met with you I thought of introducing myself with the line, "Well, this is the ugly reality of what autism is." I currently do not believe I can make a significant enough difference without medication, and that monster formerly known as CASPER doesn't seem to want to sell me meth, he really doesn't seem to care very much, despite what he's claimed, and is enamored with a woman, which will capture most of his interpersonal attention.
Ideally I would still endure the pain and simply engage in charity work, and stimulants and benzos could do a great deal to make life more bearable. "Significant enough" is entirely arbitrary. This is the path of a Bodhisattva. The option of suicide is to truly attempt to cease all desires and attain peace of mind through no mind, entirely renouncing life, including any pleasure that can be found in it. There is no certainty, values are subjective, and this cannot be said to be worse than the other option. What would occur afterward would have nothing to do with me and I would be free from the possibility of harm, of the horrors of existence, for all eternity.
Originally posted by gumbo Malice how are you planning on suicidin' again? What supplies do you need?
1. Pentobarbital, 2. Metoclopramide, 3. Zofran, 4. etizolam, 5. prazosin, 6. flubromazolam
2 and 3 would be taken beforehand to prevent vomiting, 4 and 5 as well, but at a later time, to prevent anxiety/fear/apprehension/avoidance, 1 and 6 would be taken together. I'm also going to use miracle fruit/berry to counteract the unearthly bitter taste, as well as lidocaine spray. I've heard people remark that it has a distinct taste of being "dangerous", and I'm hypersensitive to bitter tastes as well as my fear response being elevated.
Originally posted by Lanny a pair of balls
The self-preservation instinct and fear/avoidance of death are the strongest there are. Can't spread your genes if you're dead. Nothing wrong with a little help from benzos and prazosin, especially if you have a neurological disorder that affects various aspects of anxiety. I don't see any reason to suffer needlessly.
I'm going this far because I like the finer things in life. I'm willing to pay more for a deluxe death. -
2018-04-21 at 6:20 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
Originally posted by Lanny So if you're still alive in two months would you say it would be fair of us to laugh at your suicide threat?
No, I just meant that it's going to be at least a month until everything is prepared and I have the choice to go through with it. I do feel the desire to do so as soon as possible, though.
If I change my mind for a stupid reason, go for it. -
2018-04-21 at 4:30 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
Originally posted by MORALLY SUPERIOR BEING We'll miss you if you go through with it, and it's fairly normal for friends to be salty when someone decides to kill themselves as it's kind of a rejection of their friendship.
But you should maybe leave a manifesto and livestream it or something, if you care enough about his world to bother.
Don’t care enough. I’m turning my back on this world. What happens after mt sentience comes to an end is none of my concern. If I start using stimulants before that it may change, especially when combined with benzos.
Originally posted by Brain surgeon ITT: malice chickens out and claims it was all a prank and he totally trolled all of us.
I’ll never claim it was a prank. If I change my mind I’ll be honest about the reasons why.
I’ll post pics once I have all the supplies. Why would I spend this much money (It really doesn’t take that much effort) if I wasn’t serious? -
2018-04-21 at 2:19 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
Originally posted by Zanick So you say, but I have to think there’s a reason you haven’t carried it out before. Either you aren’t sure you want to go through with it, or you aren’t confident in your method. Still, you’ll have a month to think about it, so I hope you figure out whether this is really the best way in that time.
I wasn't sure, I'm getting closer to certainty now. It's going to happen sometime this year. That's plenty of time, although I feel I've come far enough.
Originally posted by If you're going to make that kind of decision, it has to be with a totally clear head. That means you can't have any drugs at all in your system while you consider it. Otherwise, it's the drug's decision, not really yours.
Absolute nonsense. We don't choose our baseline biological state, why does taking substances invalidate that? Can you imagine telling a person with psychosis, "You can't choose to commit suicide while on anti-psychotics, you should decide that in your natural state! It's not you making that decision, it's the drugs."
Fucking awful arguments. Exactly what's to be expected. -
2018-04-21 at 2:15 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.I tried 400mg orally of fasoracetam today because this was the dose that received the strongest effects in a study that used it to treat ADD. Way too strong. There's a distinct after effect I don't like because it's similar to phenibut, which makes me extremely irritable, angry, and violent. Those negative effects are far more mild, and there are some positives, such as a mood boost, possibly even euphoria (mild for me), but overall it's negative and it just feels uncomfortable.
I'm going to try again tomorrow with 200mg. My ADD isn't that severe and I did show strong sensitivity to phenibut in the past, so it's probably just due to neurological differences. -
2018-04-21 at 2:11 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
Originally posted by Zanick How do you know you'll still want to do it the same way in a month? That's a lot of trouble to go to, in the event that you change your mind or decide on a different method.
My entire life has been leading up to this. I've likely had dysthimia my entire life, major depression for 5-6, chronically suicidal for 3. I've been contemplating, preparing, for a long time, now it's simply time to finally go through with it.
Why would I want a different method? This is the best way to go that I'm aware of. Pentobarbital is what professional assisted suicide organizations use. -
2018-04-21 at 1:59 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
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2018-04-21 at 1:57 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.Yes! It's getting done. Nearly had another setback when Coinbase said it was going to delay the transaction 72 hours. I had verified years before this. I think they made an error because I just went through the process of uploading pics of the front and back of my driver's license and taking a webcam picture twice and they approved it.
Ordered a gram of etizolam and 100mg of flubromazolam. When I decide to pass on I'm going to mix the flubro with the pentobarbital to make sure I don't suffer or fail.
I'll make sure it gets done right and I don't live.
Now I'm just waiting for a response from the pentobarbital vendor for the bitcoin wallet address and everything will be on its way. At the very least it's going to be a major relief knowing I have the perfect death available. I can't wait to die, I want it to happen as soon as possible. Genuinely feel excited about it. I should have done this a long time ago.
There is no way in hell this won't work. It will be a fucking miracle if I survive. -
2018-04-18 at 4:52 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
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2018-04-18 at 1:43 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
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2018-04-18 at 1:03 AM UTC in zanick v malice
Originally posted by Daily Malice pls
I genuinely have a hard time getting a boner due to how low my sex drive naturally is, even with the increase in testosterone PTSD causes. I wrote about doing this quite some time ago, but never went through with it. Maybe I'll finally post a picture to put this to rest. No guarantees, though, because I don't give much of a fuck. My precious little twink. -
2018-04-18 at 1:01 AM UTC in zanick v malice
Originally posted by Zanick #3 I almost buy that story he gave us, but who would pretend to have a micropenis?
Me. Aren't I eccentric. It was a pretty good troll if you don't care about being negatively perceived. Nearly everyone was dumb enough to fall for it.
"You want to know why I fuck cats?! Fuck you, here's why!"
Come on man, who in their right mind would think this would turn out well? It doesn't take much intelligence to anticipate your response and be amused by it. -
2018-04-18 at 12:59 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
Originally posted by Obbe I see.
But why do you want that? Why not enjoy the cycle of samsara? If it's just as meaningless as if it had never occured, that what is the difference between ending it or allowing it to happen?
How do you know that if you were to kill yourself now that would actually end the cycle of samsara? What if there is no escape?
Bad questions. Completely uninteresting. I don't respond to posts like this, except to vaguely tell you why. -
2018-04-18 at 12:03 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.You don't understand and I don't care if anyone else understands. I no longer want to say anything to anyone. I want to go out in as close to a karma free manner as possible. No effect on the world outside of myself, simply moving on in peace.
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2018-04-17 at 11:18 PM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.Nearly forgot. Just to round everything off I would miracle fruit/miracle berry to counteract the bitterness of the pentobarbital. Mixed into a nice margarita or other drink (I know almost nothing of mixed drinks) there would not even be the momentary discomfort of a foul taste.
The best death possible, by your own hands. -
2018-04-17 at 10:32 PM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
Originally posted by Obbe I see. So Malice, what do you mean by this?
Happiness is an evil and must be renounced.
A simple illustration is when you choose to do something in an attempt to maximize your own personal pleasure as opposed to an action from compassion, which would alleviate the suffering of others. Play a video game/watch something/eat out/read for pleasure/whatever. Helping others would likely still give you some pleasure, albeit possibly lower, yet you choose not to devote your time to that due to your biological predispositions.
We're also 3 dimensional beings that are trapped in the present in a state or eternal becoming. Memories are nothing but shadows of past experience. If one day you enter a state, such as while under the effects of cancer, where you are chronically experiencing disutility, what good does the past provide you? It doesn't genuinely exist to you. We are perpetually trapped at one point and then it is over for all eternity.
Don't you see the problem with this? What difference is there between 80 years and seconds compared to the infinite. You're always now and then you aren't. There isn't some universal store of how many utility points you've accumulated/experienced over a lifetime, what you've experienced in the past does you no good in the most direct regard, unless it develops you as a person or you derive enough utility from mere memories in times of deprivation, which could be no different from mere fantasies.
It's nothing but being caught in an endless cycle without inherent meaning and then it is over, no different than it had ever occurred.
We lose nothing in death, because there is nothing of us to experience loss. Death is simply escaping the cycle of samsara, of surpassing fear and illusion. Life simply creates a need where there was no need to be met and due to the nature of reality you always run the risk of reaching a point where you will lament having been foolish and weak enough to continue in this cycle when there would have been no loss from accepting the end. Happiness/pleasure is like an addiction.
I'm escaping the cycle and will be free from whatever horrors the future may hold. It is liberation. The only valid reason I see to remain alive is out of compassion, if you believe you can alleviate more suffering than your life produces to others and are able to endure your own personal suffering. I'm stepping beyond that. No more desires, even the path toward a "better" world filled with less suffering, simply the path toward cessation.
I want to stop wanting anything.