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Thanked Posts by OMGPLZUNBAN
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2020-03-17 at 1:22 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!Right before I was moving to Montana in 2006 my dad said I couldn't take my car with me. It was a 68 camaro and was a huge pile of shit. For a couple months drive wouldn't work so I was rocking it around in 2nd gear.
Right before I made my decision of what I was going to do to get rid of it Poast and I spray painted a bunch of dumb ghetto shit all over it. I think we had 'GNAR KILL' on one side. I'm sure there was a boognish somewhere. I wasn't really taking the car into town so I stopped paying insurance. The car looked ghetto as fuck with all the tags and driving from poasts house one day a cop car was coming down the hill. I just kinda got real close to the car in front of me and to the side and hoped for the best. Nothing happened so I was good.
When I decided to get rid of my car, I decided to just mob the shit out of it. There was a place called school valley that was maybe a mile long road that used to be a kind of a valley. No one used it because it was gated on both sides. I just drove around it. My brother and his red neck friends were there because we could relate to destruction. One of the first things we did was break both front and back windows. I was mobbing around and thought it'd be funny if I turn on the wipers with no window. It started smacking him in the face. I laughed and turned them off.
I made it to the bottom of the road, right behind an elementary school and someone said, "There's no way you can make it up that hill." I learned from WifeDead don't tell people that because I gunned it and actually made it up. This was a place people fucked around on dirt bikes. So me getting it in a shitty camaro is pretty funny.
We mobbed around all that day and called it quits once I got it stuck down a hill in a bunch of bushes. In the video that is lost to time, my brother is in the car just revving the shit out of it until it's smoking and the last shot from that day is us walking away filming a bunch of smoke going in the air.
We didn't catch the place on fire and show up the next day. My brother had one of his buddies bring a truck and pull it out of the bushes. Round two. I blew out a tire and try to hit the hill again that the dirt bikers hit but couldn't make it with less traction. I was going back and forth all over this gravel road and everyones having a blast. We forgot to take the rocks out we used to blast out the windows and one time when I went into the ditch it almost someone in the head.
A buddy Poast and I tried to manipulate showed up with a donut wheel on a dirt bike and we fixed the tire. Barely. Chaos and mayhem and we vowed to come back the next day.
The next day we show up and someone tried to hot wire the car. The place where the key went in was fukt. The kid who brought the spare tire said he could hot wire it. I doubted it because I thought he was stupid. Turns out he could. One last day of mobbing.
The next day we wanted to see it explode. I had stolen a small piece of pipe that had a place to screw something on both ends and two end caps from a hardware store. I put a hole in it and went to my brothers house to fill it with gun powder. The powder went everywhere including the threads. I cleaned the threads as best I could but when screwing the second cap on I wondered if hard compression and friction would blow it up. This was the biggest bomb we'd ever made.
So we go to the car, I shove the bomb in the gas tank. It doesn't fit but I'm hoping for the best. It blows off, loud as fuck but there's no real damage. Should've screwed the other cap on and used a flask cylinder like we always did when making bombs.
I'm riding my bike to work one day, I was 17, and I brought a two lb sledge hammer with me and swing by the car and just start pounding it. Making it look as bad as I could. No reason. Just thought it was funny. Turned out to be more work than I thought and gave up.
Last part. One night I was biking to work late at night. Decided I wanted to watch a motor blow up. I swing by the car, get it running and find a branch just long enough to stick between the seat and the gas pedal. The engine is going and going. I'm watching waiting for something to happen. Nothing happens so I check out the bottom of the car. The engine casing it red hot and it started a fire under the car. I was carrying water with me so I remove the stick, extinguish the flames that would've surely gotten bigger and called it quits on the car.
The kid who brought a spare on a dirt bike helped me remove all the embedded metal tags that would acknowledge that I was the last owner of the car earlier and I never heard anything about leaving a beat up, tagged up, blown up hunk of junk in the woods.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2020-03-11 at 11:18 PM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!Y'all not contributing mother fuckers.
One time I got a trampoline for free. 12 feet across. The first time I set it up I decided to do it in the living room. Poast and I pushed all the furniture out of the way and got it set up.
If you're ever setting up a trampoline a tip is to work it back and forth. Not just start on one side and work around.
It was chaos and mayhem. Some random dude I had never seen before came looking for my roommate but he was gone and he gave me $4 so I'd have enough for a bottle early in the day.
The trampoline barely fit and we lived on the second story of an apartment building. Poast almost went through the window once. It was kinda a one person at a time thing. We found out if you bounced off your back you could do reverse push ups off the ceiling. Then I had the idea of doing that and seeing who could closest to the ceiling spread out with out touching it.We were working on that and nobody could really get it. So we started having people super bouncing us hoping for the best. Here's Poasts face eating ceiling with two people that helped propel him. It's horrible quality so I don't think he'll mind:
I invited over the weird kid that almost stabbed me and he was the only one that could land a flip in such a confined space but there was too many people for him so he left early. Eventually everyone got drunk and went home and I passed out on the tramp.
I woke up to a knock on the door to see a good buddys sister and someone WifeDead and Poast used to punk. They were at the bar and heard about the indoor trampoline. I showed them some tricks we had learned through the day but they were just sight seeing apparently because they didn't want to go on it.
The next day I was told it needs to be taken down immediatly and if it's ever set up again we would be evicted. I can only imagine what the downstair neighbors heard.
Next time I set it up down stairs in the small yard we had. I had my baby killing marine coming over so I figured I'd go bounce on the tramp waiting. It's kinda moved closer to the building and as I'm about to walk down, I wonder what would happen if I just jumped. Young and dumb I threw my self from the stairs, over the railing and almost put my face into the gutter. I threw my hands out, barely bent the gutter and landed back on the tramp.
Since I learned you can get serious hieght using your legs while bouncing off your back I was doing that a lot. I was going bigger and bigger every day. Until I almost threw my face into the gutter again and then I kinda just stuck to flips.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2020-03-07 at 8:53 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!
Originally posted by Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country Did she ask why you were fucking her knee? or elbow?
She was a pill addicted ho I got pregnant than made her get an abortion.
Smartest thing I ever made did. It was brutal. Then I would got to work. She was living off of welfare. So she'd be taking pills while I'm busting my ass as a line cook and I'd come home and she talked to people and say she wants to keep it.
I'm fucking her the first time right? And she says we don't need a condom. I'm a fucking drugged out drunken idiot and we do. I ask her her what happens if she she gets pregnant as we continue to do this. We would agree that she would get an abortion. Once she got pregnant I said, "So we talked about this right?"
Her response? "people change and things change." Fuck me. I made her get an abortion because I knew she wasn't the one. I said stuff like, 'When I leave you I'm keeping the dressers I bought.'
I don't have those dressers anymore.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2020-03-05 at 2:33 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!
Originally posted by MexicanMasterRace I got sprayed off with a hose in the front yard.
Nice. I have another story:
WifeDead and I are at bar with this loser dude from work who lied all the time. Anyways we get drunk and I head to the bathroom. I get a urinal and there's a full beer someone forgot on top of it. So drunkenly just swigged it. I go back out and tell WifeDead. He laughs and tells me he pissed in a cup and left there for some drunk idiot to drink. I started doing that at various bars over the years and called them WifeDead Bombs. Not the real name because I doubt he once his name out there.
Another time he made bomb. He tried to rig it to a clock so it would be a timed bomb. I had two old applebees microwaves in my car so I figured let's grab a girl and another dude and blow this shit up. I think he got the plans from a terrorist site for the clock. It was something like when the minute hand got to a certain point the wire on the minute hand would touch another wire and should explode.
So we hop in my Honda Accard and go out into the boonies of the beach. Just grassy and bushy hills. I hiked that industrial microwave probably a half mile and got it set up. I closed the doorand ran back up a very giant hill far away from the explosion but where we could still see it.
I set it for 5 minutes. Five minutes go by and nothing. I said we should wait atleast 15 more minutes just to be safe. We did and the other guy there said we should check it. I advised against it thinking once the door is open air might get in allowing the spark or something. I think he was trying to impress the chick and kept saying we should check it. I didn't want to leave an unexplosed pipe bomb on the beach in a microwave from where I worked with my finger prints all over it so I made him a deal. "You go check it and come back up here and I'll light the fuse.
He goes down there and me and this chick are watching. I tell her this is not a smart idea. She says everything will be fine. But because of Poasts hand I know that isn't true. I can tell she's nervous too. This was a big bomb. The guy throws the door open and jumps away as if that was going to save him if it went off. It didn't go off and he comes back up.
So now I have to light the fuse, I go down there and I'm scoping where I'm going to run to. There's a smallish hill that I can dive behind almost right next to it. Fuck it. I light the fuse, shut the door and do a roll atop and over the hill. I plug my ears.
It was loud as fuck. The thing disintegrated and there were no pieces left. That was the biggest bomb I've personally seen. People for miles around probably heard it and since we were close to the beach, the part where people go to frolic I bugged out. I ran up the hill as fast as I could and claimed that we need to leave. NOW. We got to my car and as we were driving off we could hear sirens coming towards us. I was getting sketched out but tried to play it cool. I don't think the other two people knew just how many felonies we caused.
I've faced a triple felony before and knew how stupid it was to do that. WifeDead was smart and let some other retard blow it up. He has a way of doing that. Like getting involved in a prank, coming up with more and more ideas as it grows then claiming he had nothing to with it. I love that dude and he banged Poasts mom.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2020-02-27 at 3:07 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!
Originally posted by STER0S bump.
moar funny stories plz.
Since Poast is being a faggot I'll tell his story. I wasn't there so it's probably way wrong.
Poast was working at Pizza Slut with this gigantic black dude. I wanna say probably 6'5" and big. Probably over 300 lbs. One time he was giving Poast the business at work and pissed him off. So Poast punched him in the face.
The guy could've annihilated Poast but instead he was just confused and looked at him like, 'You serious dude?'
A while later we went over to his house to a big weed dinner. I only remember the weed infused macaroni but there was a ton of other dishes.
He also had a huge DVD collection. I wanted to borrow Earnest Goes to Africa but he didn't lend out movies. He had hundreds. I bet those aged well. -
2020-02-28 at 1:53 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!At Sentry this big dude used to love crop dusting people by farting in their faces. He mastered it too. He would pretend to be reaching for something behind them then just blast them straight in the face.
One day Poast got his revenge. Pulled the classic move of pretending to reach for something and assblasted other dude.
Other dude without missing a beat yells, "Why does your fart smell like OMGs dick?! You cheating on me?!"
I have no idea why we never got pink eye. Poast got scavies though. Probably from some dirty drunken ho.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2020-02-06 at 1:51 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!The Mrs might be pregnant. We've been working with a bull for the last year but I fukt up. I banged my old lady two weeks ago. Fuck. Cross your fingers and pray for me the child comes out black.
I kid but the Mrs might be pregnant. If she is she says she wants to keep it. Alright I guess. I love this girl, just got a new place so if she wants a whining, shitting monster she can have one. I'm personally against it but fuck it. Maybe it'll be funny.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2020-02-07 at 7:38 PM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!
Originally posted by itybit I'm showing your only on page 33
You must have your post views per page set higher. Your 100% custom LOLcat comes with a free song! What a deal!!!!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eo2OIUpWznY
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2020-02-11 at 3:20 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!Poast isn't telling his story which he should instead of killing himself. So I'll post a joke he told me that no body laughs at.
A guy opens up a restaurant and calls it, 'No Niggers Welcome'. The town gets upset obviously. So he changes the name to, 'Niggers Welcome'. The town is still pissed and the guy is standing around like, "You just can't please these people!"The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2020-02-04 at 9:55 PM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!Here's my .22 Henry golden boy pump action on a unicorn chair. Really solid gun on a really good chair.
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2020-02-04 at 9:28 PM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!You guys like guns and fossils? The .44 has a 14 inch barrel and has very little kick back. Apparently it's used for shooting competitions.
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2020-01-30 at 6:38 AM UTC in A tale about the origins of OMGPLZDNTBANI was a wee lad in high school when I was shown Totse. Before that I was shown AngryMonkeyLove forums. Still have the shirt WifeDead made for Convict that he gave away from his site. Totse days I was just a retard. Didn't even know what a spammer was.
Then everyone moved to Zoklet after high school because Totse got shut down. That's when Poast showed me how to be not only be an asshole in real life, but a bigger asshole online. One time I made a bunch of fast food named accounts and saved them. The hamburglar, Ronald Macdonald, and a bunch of others. So with an old loser buddy of mine we started spamming. Probably that large image of spam that would would take up half the page. We got banned six times and took a smoke break. We came back in to a mod post saying he finally dealt with us. Nope. I had more accounts and we posted in the thread under other names from fast food I forget now posting, "Glad that's over. That was getting annoying."
So when I finally got banned by my IP or what ever I tried to make another account. But they would get banned immediatly everytime before I even posted. I finally was over it and tried the user name OMGPLZDNTBAN. It didn't get banned. Well howdy doody.
I ran with it getting banned for no reason once and trying to get Fish into Zoklet court with Harvey Dent as my attourney. He never responded but he knew what was up. So Poast tells me about this shit hole of a site thousands of miles away and even more years later. I stuck with the name. I didn't post for a while and lost my pass word. I I Make OMGPLZUNBAN and ask mods to release my original account. Who wants that shitty of a name? Only one faggot would claim that. No go.
Moral of the story is, if you want to be taken seriously, use a DNT in your name. I don't know if it has to be capitalized but it didn't hurt.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2020-01-10 at 11:41 PM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!Holy fuck! I found them! This isn't even all of them!
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2020-01-10 at 2:48 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!I got a story:
WifeDead and I used to work at Crapplebees together. We made friends with this one dude. We called him Tony the Hammer. I was walking one night with some losers to a party and we were going right by his house. So I stopped to see if he wanted to come. A shirtless dude opens the door and tells me he's asleep. No problem and I party all night. On the walk home I stopped by again, only to be answered by a different shirtless dude. WifeDead and I made fun of him and kept asking if we could be invited to his shirtless dude parties. He'd get a little butt hurt and say there are no shirtless dude parties.
Now after work, my place was closer than WifeDeads place and he would stop there and we would drink until he rode his bike home. I would have a fifth of Evan Williams whiskey, WifeDead a 12 pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon. Sometimes our room would be a riot. One time, I drunkenly thought it'd be funny to get two hot chicks to take a picture with us holding a sign that read, "Tony's a faggot" because he never wanted to hang out. Things only escalated from there.
Sometimes the party would just be in my room with 4 or 5 dudes. One night I decided we should take all of our shirts off and send a picture to Tony and claim we're having our own shirtless dude parties and HE'S not invited. This all escalated to sheer faggotry one night.
I had been jogging a bunch and losing weight, felt good with my body and drunkenly talked WifeDead and Poo Bear that we should compare dick sizes. It took a lot of effort to convince these shirtless dudes it was a good idea but I sealed the deal. I lost by a land slide of cock. Poo Bear being the winner I knew what I needed to do. First I tried to hide in the corner and jerk off a bit so I'd get bigger. In a roomful of shirtless dudes that should be easy right?! I was too drunk. Couldn't get a half chub.
The rest of this is only what WifeDead told me years later. Apparently I tried to smash my dick against poo bears, effectively raping him. From what I remember being told I berated this poor bears dick until I felt like a winner. I took on the biggest dick in the room. Only to find out I was the biggest dick all along.
We threw a lot of shirtless dude parties in my room. I alienated friends who brought girls after not seeing them for years, Poast has some Butthole Ladies videos filmed in there, we lifted weights with baby killers, I had my bed in front of the closet long ways and I'd make the joke, "It's perfect if you come out of the closet in my room because it lands right on my bed." It was the straightest, gayest place imaginable.
I found my old phone looking for pictures but they're not on there. I assume WifeDead might have them. If anyone knows where Tony the Hammer is let him know I've been trying to find him.
Here's my old party dog Rowdy:
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2020-01-28 at 4:05 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!
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2020-01-27 at 4:11 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!
Originally posted by mmQ Into the sun you drift, I hope. You're a liar and a fraud. Leave me alone. My family too. Stop bothering us.
My wife was looking over my shoulder and your post made her question if any of that was true. I assured it wasn't but I pull so many shenanigans I don't know if she believes me.
Get WifeDead to tell you the story about how he had my wife in tears and he left the state before even telling me he did something.
If he doesn't I will.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2020-01-23 at 4:36 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!So I have an old lady. I call her the warden. I was working overnights at a gas station alone. I used youtube to MP3 websites to get stuff to listen to with one earbud in. I listened to a lot of stand up which I think contributed to why I don't think so right in normal situations. I was telling a co worker, dealing a crazy ass bitch and telling him there's reasons to hit a woman I got from Bill Burr. I told him he shouldn't do it but there are reasons to hit a woman.
So I got a joke from Doug Stanhope and wanted to tell the Mrs. "Hey babe. You wanna hear a joke?" She's down and I say, "So I told my old lady I wanted to fuck her between the tits. She says, 'How are you going to make it feel good for me?' "Right before I cum I'm going to stop punching you in the face."
Holy fucking shit. The flood gates were down. I'm being yelled at about it's never funny to joke about women being abused. Which is funny because I can tell say all the racist jokes I want and she laughs. She draws the line when it's something that can affect her. She's been beat up by a bunch of guys she was with that use to gorilla fuck her. Now it's my turn.
So I tell my joke, getting yelled at and I'm a fucking genius so I try to explain it. "It's funny in how offensive it is." I got no where with that logic. She goes to bed pissed and we're better than the next day.
A week later I heard another joke. What's the worst part about blowing Willie Nelson? Finding out it wasn't Willie Nelson. Implying you just blew some dirty, old street rat.
So I ask the warden, a week later, "Hey Babe... You wanna hear a joke?" She visibly rolls her eyes and sarcastically says, 'Sure.' She is already not happy but fuck it. I'm doing it. "What's the worst part about blowing Willie Nelson?" She's fucking still pissed and sarcastically, kinda pissed off responds, 'I don't know. You stopped punching him in the face?' I pause for a second before busting up laughing. The idea of blowing somebody while punching them was too funny. She hated that she made that joke way too funny and I've never let that story go.
I can't tell that story though. No one can relate apparently. It comes out the gate so hard people don't listen and just want it to stop. Typical Stanhope. One time last year I was camping with my dad and I figured, this is one of my funniest stories and surely he can relate. We're drinking, cooking burgers over a camp fire. In the middle of the woods. What better time to tell this story? I start off with Stanhopes joke and how I told it to the Mrs and I got immediately stopped. "I would never say anything like that to your mother! Good god!"
I think he's just turning into a pussy in his old age. And he pees sitting down.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2020-01-24 at 2:07 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!Never mind. I found it. Here's that girl you freaks are all about. Taken in my shirtless dude party room.
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2020-01-22 at 1:49 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!
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2020-01-18 at 9:45 PM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!
Originally posted by CASPER -contribution-
Remind me to write about the time I helped an illiterate lazy eyed hooker write her craigslist advertisements and it legit took me 10 minutes to come up with a proper adjective for “sweaty, knock kneed, hairy and torn up” . I think I settled 9n “earthy”
Originally posted by aldra if I may be so presumptuous
How did I miss this? Your LOLcat needs work. Especially on the whiskers. And why is his bottom face a triangle? You got chops kid but this is a hard business to get into. Especially with work like that.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!
