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Thanked Posts by OMGPLZUNBAN

  1. The Mrs might be pregnant. We've been working with a bull for the last year but I fukt up. I banged my old lady two weeks ago. Fuck. Cross your fingers and pray for me the child comes out black.

    I kid but the Mrs might be pregnant. If she is she says she wants to keep it. Alright I guess. I love this girl, just got a new place so if she wants a whining, shitting monster she can have one. I'm personally against it but fuck it. Maybe it'll be funny.
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  2. Originally posted by itybit I'm showing your only on page 33

    You must have your post views per page set higher. Your 100% custom LOLcat comes with a free song! What a deal!!!!!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eo2OIUpWznY

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  3. Poast isn't telling his story which he should instead of killing himself. So I'll post a joke he told me that no body laughs at.

    A guy opens up a restaurant and calls it, 'No Niggers Welcome'. The town gets upset obviously. So he changes the name to, 'Niggers Welcome'. The town is still pissed and the guy is standing around like, "You just can't please these people!"
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  4. Here's my .22 Henry golden boy pump action on a unicorn chair. Really solid gun on a really good chair.

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  5. You guys like guns and fossils? The .44 has a 14 inch barrel and has very little kick back. Apparently it's used for shooting competitions.

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  6. I was a wee lad in high school when I was shown Totse. Before that I was shown AngryMonkeyLove forums. Still have the shirt WifeDead made for Convict that he gave away from his site. Totse days I was just a retard. Didn't even know what a spammer was.

    Then everyone moved to Zoklet after high school because Totse got shut down. That's when Poast showed me how to be not only be an asshole in real life, but a bigger asshole online. One time I made a bunch of fast food named accounts and saved them. The hamburglar, Ronald Macdonald, and a bunch of others. So with an old loser buddy of mine we started spamming. Probably that large image of spam that would would take up half the page. We got banned six times and took a smoke break. We came back in to a mod post saying he finally dealt with us. Nope. I had more accounts and we posted in the thread under other names from fast food I forget now posting, "Glad that's over. That was getting annoying."

    So when I finally got banned by my IP or what ever I tried to make another account. But they would get banned immediatly everytime before I even posted. I finally was over it and tried the user name OMGPLZDNTBAN. It didn't get banned. Well howdy doody.

    I ran with it getting banned for no reason once and trying to get Fish into Zoklet court with Harvey Dent as my attourney. He never responded but he knew what was up. So Poast tells me about this shit hole of a site thousands of miles away and even more years later. I stuck with the name. I didn't post for a while and lost my pass word. I I Make OMGPLZUNBAN and ask mods to release my original account. Who wants that shitty of a name? Only one faggot would claim that. No go.

    Moral of the story is, if you want to be taken seriously, use a DNT in your name. I don't know if it has to be capitalized but it didn't hurt.
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  7. Holy fuck! I found them! This isn't even all of them!




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  8. I got a story:

    WifeDead and I used to work at Crapplebees together. We made friends with this one dude. We called him Tony the Hammer. I was walking one night with some losers to a party and we were going right by his house. So I stopped to see if he wanted to come. A shirtless dude opens the door and tells me he's asleep. No problem and I party all night. On the walk home I stopped by again, only to be answered by a different shirtless dude. WifeDead and I made fun of him and kept asking if we could be invited to his shirtless dude parties. He'd get a little butt hurt and say there are no shirtless dude parties.

    Now after work, my place was closer than WifeDeads place and he would stop there and we would drink until he rode his bike home. I would have a fifth of Evan Williams whiskey, WifeDead a 12 pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon. Sometimes our room would be a riot. One time, I drunkenly thought it'd be funny to get two hot chicks to take a picture with us holding a sign that read, "Tony's a faggot" because he never wanted to hang out. Things only escalated from there.

    Sometimes the party would just be in my room with 4 or 5 dudes. One night I decided we should take all of our shirts off and send a picture to Tony and claim we're having our own shirtless dude parties and HE'S not invited. This all escalated to sheer faggotry one night.

    I had been jogging a bunch and losing weight, felt good with my body and drunkenly talked WifeDead and Poo Bear that we should compare dick sizes. It took a lot of effort to convince these shirtless dudes it was a good idea but I sealed the deal. I lost by a land slide of cock. Poo Bear being the winner I knew what I needed to do. First I tried to hide in the corner and jerk off a bit so I'd get bigger. In a roomful of shirtless dudes that should be easy right?! I was too drunk. Couldn't get a half chub.

    The rest of this is only what WifeDead told me years later. Apparently I tried to smash my dick against poo bears, effectively raping him. From what I remember being told I berated this poor bears dick until I felt like a winner. I took on the biggest dick in the room. Only to find out I was the biggest dick all along.

    We threw a lot of shirtless dude parties in my room. I alienated friends who brought girls after not seeing them for years, Poast has some Butthole Ladies videos filmed in there, we lifted weights with baby killers, I had my bed in front of the closet long ways and I'd make the joke, "It's perfect if you come out of the closet in my room because it lands right on my bed." It was the straightest, gayest place imaginable.

    I found my old phone looking for pictures but they're not on there. I assume WifeDead might have them. If anyone knows where Tony the Hammer is let him know I've been trying to find him.

    Here's my old party dog Rowdy:

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  9. Originally posted by Fuck Your World Lame. Like where is the dude these days. You never see him acting anymore. Dude's prolly washed up.

    Lulz. He plays a mean ghost. If you get my meaning.
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  10. Originally posted by mmQ Into the sun you drift, I hope. You're a liar and a fraud. Leave me alone. My family too. Stop bothering us.

    My wife was looking over my shoulder and your post made her question if any of that was true. I assured it wasn't but I pull so many shenanigans I don't know if she believes me.

    Get WifeDead to tell you the story about how he had my wife in tears and he left the state before even telling me he did something.

    If he doesn't I will.
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  11. So I have an old lady. I call her the warden. I was working overnights at a gas station alone. I used youtube to MP3 websites to get stuff to listen to with one earbud in. I listened to a lot of stand up which I think contributed to why I don't think so right in normal situations. I was telling a co worker, dealing a crazy ass bitch and telling him there's reasons to hit a woman I got from Bill Burr. I told him he shouldn't do it but there are reasons to hit a woman.

    So I got a joke from Doug Stanhope and wanted to tell the Mrs. "Hey babe. You wanna hear a joke?" She's down and I say, "So I told my old lady I wanted to fuck her between the tits. She says, 'How are you going to make it feel good for me?' "Right before I cum I'm going to stop punching you in the face."

    Holy fucking shit. The flood gates were down. I'm being yelled at about it's never funny to joke about women being abused. Which is funny because I can tell say all the racist jokes I want and she laughs. She draws the line when it's something that can affect her. She's been beat up by a bunch of guys she was with that use to gorilla fuck her. Now it's my turn.

    So I tell my joke, getting yelled at and I'm a fucking genius so I try to explain it. "It's funny in how offensive it is." I got no where with that logic. She goes to bed pissed and we're better than the next day.

    A week later I heard another joke. What's the worst part about blowing Willie Nelson? Finding out it wasn't Willie Nelson. Implying you just blew some dirty, old street rat.

    So I ask the warden, a week later, "Hey Babe... You wanna hear a joke?" She visibly rolls her eyes and sarcastically says, 'Sure.' She is already not happy but fuck it. I'm doing it. "What's the worst part about blowing Willie Nelson?" She's fucking still pissed and sarcastically, kinda pissed off responds, 'I don't know. You stopped punching him in the face?' I pause for a second before busting up laughing. The idea of blowing somebody while punching them was too funny. She hated that she made that joke way too funny and I've never let that story go.

    I can't tell that story though. No one can relate apparently. It comes out the gate so hard people don't listen and just want it to stop. Typical Stanhope. One time last year I was camping with my dad and I figured, this is one of my funniest stories and surely he can relate. We're drinking, cooking burgers over a camp fire. In the middle of the woods. What better time to tell this story? I start off with Stanhopes joke and how I told it to the Mrs and I got immediately stopped. "I would never say anything like that to your mother! Good god!"

    I think he's just turning into a pussy in his old age. And he pees sitting down.
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  12. Never mind. I found it. Here's that girl you freaks are all about. Taken in my shirtless dude party room.

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  13. Originally posted by aldra lol wait, didn't poast blow his own hand off?

    *Edited*
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  14. Originally posted by CASPER -contribution-

    Remind me to write about the time I helped an illiterate lazy eyed hooker write her craigslist advertisements and it legit took me 10 minutes to come up with a proper adjective for “sweaty, knock kneed, hairy and torn up” . I think I settled 9n “earthy”



    Originally posted by aldra if I may be so presumptuous


    How did I miss this? Your LOLcat needs work. Especially on the whiskers. And why is his bottom face a triangle? You got chops kid but this is a hard business to get into. Especially with work like that.
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  15. One time I was at applebees. I started getting texts from a girl who was a close party friend. She had broken up with her man and wanted to see me after work. I was conflicted. This girl was pretty but had fukt pretty much every one I knew. So I'm texting her back while at work and wondering if I'm going to do the bad deed. I desperately wanted a girl and to not be alone so I was kind of deciding to do it. But still majorly conflicted about it. I knew it wasn't a smart move but I was alone and hoping something might come out of it.

    What I didn't know is WifeDead borrowed my phone a couple nights before and changed his number ID in my phone to this girl. He was texting me the whole time while we were working right next to each other. One of the servors came up and asked me what's up because I looked down and out. I kind of explained and he was just laughing his ass off. I assume WifeDead let him in on the secret.

    So shift ends, I'm giving WifeDead a ride home and when he steps out he texted me, 'It was me the whole time.' I drove away laughing but then the loneliness set in. I was wondering if I could be in a relationship with this ghetto party whore and finally not be alone for hours. It was a great prank but I soon got butthurt. I went to a party and asked a close buddy for some ecstasy. I got high and drunk and forgot about being alone.

    Because I did copious amounts of drugs the night before my seratonin was shot the next day. Take 5HTP kids. So I was being a bitch and let WifeDead know I was pissed. He randomly gave me a belt later that I still have because I think he felt bad. He shouldn't have felt bad because that was a great prank.

    Back when he used to talk to me I brought this story up and he had forgot about it. I said he should've texted me, 'Just walk in the door. I'll be fine.' So I walk into this girls house while she's in bed with her man and it would've been the greatest prank ever. I'm glad he didn't but looking back that would've been blowing off Poasts hand level savagery.
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  16. Originally posted by WellHung Aldra hates kikes.

    Who doesn't?
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  17. More applebee stories!

    One time this short fat kid with a big butt got hired. Pretty decent worker and got the hang of things. Then his brother got hired. Really scrawny kid and he sucked at work. It took him forever to get things down but once he knew how to do something he knew it for good. They were Cameron and Guage. They earned the nick names Cam Shaft and .12 Guage.

    WifeDead and I use to fuck with each others stations to make it as messy as possible. Or only I fucked with his. I forget. WifeDead was fry side and I was mid doing burgers and shit. Fry side had an improper drain so water would pool there when we cleaned the floors. One time, to fuck with WifeDead, I took the garden hose, set it around the corner where he couldn't see it and barely turned it on. He was splashing around in water and when he found out just said, "I don't really care."

    So Cam Shaft worked fry side. He was an early out one day so I'm terrorizing WifeDeads spot because he has to close. I'm lifting up cutting boards and throwing hot sauce and pepper under there and a bunch of other shit. Cam Shaft tells me to stop. I assure him he doesn't have to clean it so what's the problem? He keeps telling me to stop and I don't. He was kinda a weird kid so next time I go to do something he's holding a giant knife and lunges at me. I jump back and don't get stabbed.

    The felon on the line, who has stabbed a prison guard in the throat told me, "I thought that was real." So I asked Cam Shaft later. Were you really going to stab me? He replied, "I didn't know I wasn't going to stab you until I didn't."

    Then I tried to take him shooting and WifeDead asked me, "You're going to take the kid who almost stabbed you, and put a gun in his hands?" Then I moved to Montana, where .12 Guage and Cam Shaft were originally from. I'm working a shitty gas station job and I see Cam. We exchange numbers and I finally take him shooting. Showed him his first pot plants too. He left one of my .22s loaded and had minimal gun safety and couldn't aim for shit but it was fun.

    I lost his number with my old phone but last I heard he fell in love with some one older than him with a kid. Apparently she's a freak. He showed me some pictures and she looked hot. He told me stories about how he can ask to eat chocolate sauce off her body. She just said to keep it out of her hair.

    One time up here in Montana I was drinking beer with him on his birthday and he told me a story. He met some guy who offered him weed late at night outside of the library. Cam agrees and goes to his house. The gentlemen offered Cam to butt fuck him and Cam agrees. Then the guy says it's only fair that he can buttfuck Cam. The guy assures Cam that if he doesn't like it, he'll stop. It starts getting bad for Cam and he says so. The guy just keeps buttfucking this poor kid. Cam told me this story laughing. I laughed with him because I think he was trying to cope with it but I was shocked. I never pegged Cam to be into pegging. Let alone being raped by a strange man with the allure of drugs.
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  18. So one time.....

    WifeDead and I were working a applebees. Some nigger worked there and made manager in no time flat. I mean nigger not because he was black. But because he was a piece of shit. He ordered wings and requested drum sticks only. So WifeDead made him a serving of all wings with one drum stick. He was pissed. We were good buddies so this retard called us both into the office, during a rush to say how it was unprofessional or something. WifeDead showed up to work drunk and pulled out a baller move and just said, "Ain't no thang but a chicken wang." A solid argument looking back.

    The niggers name was Sir. He was really a terrible person. When he was losing a fantasy football league with co workers he tried to ruin it for everyone else some how. WifeDead didn't watch sports but competed in it and did pretty well. One time WifeDead put a bun in the fryers overnight to see what would happen the next day. Again we're both called into the office during a rush even though I had nothing to do with it. Two of the managers hated us but I was in good with head manager and the district managers mom so they couldn't really do anything.

    One time I was hanging out with the head manager killing chickens before work. I ended up so drunk I was stumbling to work. So I swung by Tony the hammers place. His first words, "I'm not covering your shift." I assured him, "No. I just need a ride please. I'm too drunk to walk." He drove me and I made it 15 minutes before getting kicked out of work. I stumbled back to Tonys to drink beer. He said he got a call from work and just ignored it. We laughed and he made me eggs while we watched baseball. I wasn't fired because the head boss was the one who got me drunk.

    Back to Sir. He got fired for being a drunk and abusing his power as manager. But I had his number. He didn't have mine. So one night WifeDead and I decided I should text him, "Is this still Sirs number?" He replied, "Yeah. Who dis?" With no plan I believe I said, "Guess." This retard replies, "Is this Tina?" Turns out I'm now Tina. Kept him on the hook for a day or two while he's telling me he'll get a hotel room and alcohol and we should meet up. Greasy. I eventually sent him a picture of my back tattoo to let him know it was me the whole time. He never responded after that.

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  19. Originally posted by vindicktive vinny did anyone here that got their butthole beers ?

    I have one. Poast doesn't want his picture poasted so I shooped it up. But that's basically his look with out the gay goatee.:



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  20. Originally posted by WellHung Nigger whore

    Careful what you wish for:

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