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Posts by Malice
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2016-02-17 at 8:17 AM UTC in I think about killing myself a lot
You misread what I said and your response is very ironic. I did not say that people who attempt suicide are selfish or always seeking attention. What I'm talking about is a matter of empirical fact.
There is such a thing a a "suicidal gesture" as distinct from a "suicide attempt," and a major challenge to clinicians it to make sure they don't positively reinforce suicidal gestures with attention because they can and will evolve into suicide attempts. It's in the DSM.I don't really believe in crisis hotlines honestly. I have a family member who calls them, and I honestly feel (like a lot of mental health professionals) that all the doting and positive attention that goes with suicidal gestures sometimes serves to reinforce them to a point where people end up actually going through with it.
If part of your plan to kill yourself involves calling a crisis hotline, then you aren't 100% dedicated to it and probably won't do it.
I like your idea of making my suffering contribute to something. I'll find something.
The way you wrote it made it seem pretty fucking stupid, like you didn't understand the value of crisis hotlines. How is that first sentence not clear? People who are suicidal often feel, or are, completely alone and having someone to talk to about an issue as serious as suicide can make a world of difference, they can at least be convinced to seek help.How fucking stupid is it that suicide hotlines are government funded? If someone's thinking about committing suicide and they can get talked out of it by some stranger telling them their life is OK without any information available, chances are they weren't serious in the first place. If they were successfully talked out of suicide, I don't think a few dollars is too much to ask for what they think their life was worth, and if they die, their estate gets a few dollars on the phone bill on top of all the other costs. There's no reason for a huge elaborate multifaceted bureaucratic department devoted to fucking losers who are too weak to live on this planet, just a soft voiced woman with a cell phone who says nice things to people who call and then charges then out of ass for the call. They should really just be 1-900 numbers and have paid advertisements late at night when advertising is cheap and people are likely more prone to thinking about suicide, I can't believe no ones ever thought of this before
You're opinion is absolutely fucking retarded and if you honestly believe that and aren't trolling you deserve to die. -
2016-02-17 at 6:35 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition
And tremendously lower numbers of women were in the workplace 50 years ago. Someone then could have said "women have such strong biological drives to stay out of the workplace that they'll never be significantly represented there" and they would have been dead wrong. Yes biological pressures exist that affect our behavior but so do social pressures, the latter of which is amenable to intra-generational and human driven change. It is also empirically more powerful since we can find all sorts of divergences between biological drives and social drives wherein humans largely conform to the social model. Tabla rasa or no, human history is a history of curbing ("sublimating") our natural inclinations.
Yes, but this hasn't changed significantly in decades, suggesting it's likely rooted in a strong biological inclination: http://www.gallup.com/poll/164618/desire-children-norm.aspx
And among those who don't want children, how many regret it or change their minds, and of those that change their minds but remain childless, for how many is it because of problems with fertility?
Lanny, we're talking about eons of evolution, what's naturally our biologically imperative, what so much of our behavior revolves around, even if were able to utilize it to go far beyond that, what's necessary for mate acquisition and reproduction, to enjoy it without achieving what would naturally be the endpoint. This is a recurrent theme in people who gravitate towards a leftist/Marxist influenced idealist (although they don't see it as idealist) worldview. Despite vast societal/cultural changes a line remains flat over decades, and then for some inexplicable reason, some expectation that's completely unrealistic based on reflection of actual occurrence and ___ (I entered into a decade long period where a large part of my autistic fixation was systemizing humanity; if you could somehow link your brain with mind and access that information I have, you would probably understand why I view things the way I do. Autistic hyper-systemizing behavior without external interference or regard for, well, others in general, can be a terrifying force).
Still, I would like to see the differences when controlling for various variables. Education, race, income, major (I wonder what the rate for STEM majors is, particularly those in fields like mathematics, engineering, compsci; the high intelligence, systemizing, rationalist clusters). I'd also like to know how common long-term cohabitation as an alternative to marriage is among these groups and what the rate is for them.
From Future ImperfectArguably,the difference between Casanova and the rest of us iso nly a matter of degree, not of kind. I love my wife very much but I am not in love with her in the sense in which I was when I ï¬rst courted her some thirty years ago.Not only are the two emotions different subjectively, there is some evidence that they are related to different neurochemicals in the brain. My feelings when I was ï¬rst in love with her are in some ways more like my feelings for our children, especially when they were young, than they are like my current feelings for her. Parental love features the same intense focus, the same feeling that one being is the most important thing in the world, as romantic love. I suspect, but do not know, that with sufï¬cient research one would ï¬nd that some of the same neurochemicals are involved in both.
Is reason the slave of the passions?
Love wanes, women and security, mate acquisition, marriage/long-term retainment and a stable environment seems to trigger something, biological factors (I've wondered what the correlation between physical health and psychological well being and desire to have children is. Particularly the hip to waist ration in women. When you're body's screaming at you, your perceptions are altered...), relationships can begin to feel empty, there's evidence to support the idea of the biological clock and baby fever phenomenon, accidental pregnancies and the shifts in desires they cause: http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/01/what-happens-to-a-womans-brain-when-she-becomes-a-mother/384179/
For many it happens and suddenly they change their minds, there's this cascade of effects, once it's in motion any indecisiveness, subconscious desires, are tilted.
"You'll change your mind."
Sadly, for the vast majority, this ends up being true. If you recognize it isn't for good reasons, get a vasectomy as soon as possible as I'm planning to. I can see no good reason to have biological children and am certain that I won't change my mind on this.
But, if it does happen, are you willing to say, "This is a major life decision. If it's something that's deeply important to you, I want you to leave me. I don't want you to live with regrets. There are many people alternative people that you can be compatible with who do want children. Even if you see me as unique or special, in a world with 7 billion people you're bound to find someone who approximates me except for the variable of desiring children."
You don't know people perfectly, you don't know how they'll develop, change. If it's 10 years down the line, with so much experience together, so much that has been invested, are you going to be willing to stick to your position and say that?
See, I have this thing, it's related to how I entered this period of hyper-systemizing behavior with a negative fixation on the human race, a strong desire for truth seeking and strict adhering to rationality. Essentially wanting to see the world as close to how it really is as I could in a flawed and limited biological body. My emotions and ability to feel compassion were even the victim of a slow purposeful erasure because I saw them as interfering with this. It's been a recurrent theme in my life where, and this is very atypical among autistics, but I suspect I'm simply compensating through raw analytical power and a hyper-systemized knowledge base (artificial human being. cognitive empathy), I seem to have perfect theory of mind, but it's in a completely detached manner where you would analyze something inorganic or a species of animal without emotional attachment, and I just immediately automatically pick up on every flaw and build a profile, every subtle behavior, my peripheral vision being enough for many things, and know exactly how they perceive me, what they misunderstand, assume etc. and I recognized I am completely unable to deal with negativity. Any flaws, negative aspects, behavior, I've just reacted completely out of proportion to that of a normal healthy human being, and have been unable to accept to anyone for who they are, feel the normal connection others do.
Well, this is a major part of the reason why I ended up as miserable and depressed as I did. There's just this constant massive chain of information, it would take so long to post I usually immediately lose interest in responding to things because of how long it would take to do so to a satisfactory degree, and I have to stop myself from going to an absurd degree of deconstruction and analysis.
Am I just depressed and damaged, is this the product of a life history that led this perception of the world, or am I just seeing things as they are and have become to far gone and alienated? Is the world really that bad, or was I just incapable of being able to stop thinking and simply enjoy the moment? Maybe one day you'll understand why I ended up like I did. Hopefully not. Your father's death could lead you down to the abyss, my territory, momentarily and you may be able to realize how someone could come to see life as being so ugly.
I suppose we'll find out if I'm too far gone. I do not understand how to live life as a human being, I have zero experience and have either been incapable or unwilling to function in the past. Oh god I wish someone had saved me from myself. -
2016-02-17 at 4:48 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionI don't think you'd be interested in any of the products they have available. 2-FMA and 4-FA are no longer available. One my messages in our conversation:
Can you have a lab in India produce 2-FMA or 4-FA? There is a lot of demand for these since the ban and they could make a lot of money.
He said he can't find them anywhere.
Combined orders wouldn't be possible for many things now because I'm probably going to be on Nardil, an MAOI, for the rest of my life, so many drugs will be off limits. Only reason I'd temporarily go off it would be to use MDMA for therapeutic purposes.
He does have morphine powder for $90/g, but you may be able to find it for cheaper on the darknets, and the bioavailability is really low unless you're willing to IV it, which really isn't that big of a deal (I did it a while ago with semax and selank for practice, to see if there was any difference in effects, and then a few more times out of boredom).
And the Black Oak merlot is very tasty, particularly with a bit of sucralose added (I feel no shame, wine snobs. Many wines could be significantly improved with a sweetener, and that it lacks calories and is benign only makes it better). -
2016-02-17 at 2:59 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionI hate it when I have plans to do things the next day but just end up laying against a wall with my forearms and head on my knees, then lying on the ground in a semi fetal position with tears occasionally going down my face.
Take a look at this: https://www.reddit.com/r/DarkNetMarkets/comments/465i8x/250k_xanax_sold_in_3_hours/
Buying in bulk from the cheapest quality source countries and smuggling into Australia is another dream of mine: http://www.havocscope.com/black-market-prices/heroin-prices/
http://www.havocscope.com/black-market-prices/meth-prices/ -
2016-02-16 at 11:01 PM UTC in I think about killing myself a lot
I don't really believe in crisis hotlines honestly. I have a family member who calls them, and I honestly feel (like a lot of mental health professionals) that all the doting and positive attention that goes with suicidal gestures sometimes serves to reinforce them to a point where people end up actually going through with it.
If part of your plan to kill yourself involves calling a crisis hotline, then you aren't 100% dedicated to it and probably won't do it.
Deconstructing 'Myths About Suicide'
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=126365907
You majored in psychology with honors and believe this? Well, this is a standard example of what the education systems puts out, nowadays. The amount of knowledge generally gained from undergraduate education is woefully inadequate. -
2016-02-16 at 11:27 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition
NSI-189 definitely has a strong effect on dreams and seems to bring back memories from the past. Also causes me to wake up early, normally my sleep patterns are persistently fucked up. Seems to be due to a cortisol rebound, there may have been additional information released that suggests it strongly reduces cortisol levels. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cortisol_awakening_response
I was waking up with some sweat, not soaked in it, but definitely felt humid. That seems to have gone away.
It's interesting how dreams can induce feelings and sensations that I've never actually experienced before, but feel highly realistic.
Drunk typing time. Damn typos and dim light.
There was this girl. There was some sort of game. not seriously competitive, but light hearted, almost like a carnival game, except with more of a feeling of hospitality, it didn't feel profit motivated or sleazy, just for fun. It was a simple silly game involving throwing balls at each other. At the end we both laid down on a bed and gazed into each other's eyes. I awkwardly and light-heartedly bounced a remaining ball off her head, then I gently placed it, small and soft, clean,against her mouth, followed by my thumb, There was a distinct feeling, which I've never actually felt before, but I is likely close to the real thing. The intertwine of emotion of physical perception. The softness and warmth of her skin, her lips, was incredible, along with the feeling as we gazed into each others eyes and I was able to forget the absurdity, the crudeness, of life for a moment and was able to experience what I had missed out on. Hopefully one day, if I'm not too far gone, I'll be able to experience the humanity I purposefully abandoned. It must be a wonderful feeling.
I was also outside without sunglasses, which I normally never do on non-overcast days due to light sensitivity due to being on the autism spectrum (blinding if the angle of the sun is in front of me, I can't see well and have a necessary constant squint at the very least), for the benefits of direct sun exposure on the retinas ( bright light therapy). Catching the scents of the flora, seeing the wildlife and greenery, it reminded me of something I had forgotten, a feeling that may have been evoked in the past, some emotional coloring that gave depth to the world and made it seem less cold, lifeless, than it currently does (completely, all consuming). NSI-189. I should have brought a second dose in capsule.
And, unrelated, coconut oil, or a mixture (I would combine it with baby/mineral oil), seems to be excellent for the hair and scalp. Tried it because I ran out of the latter. It has antibacterial properties, which seems to work better for cleanliness and lack of odor than anything I've tried before. The comodogenic/pore clogging properties which make it unsuitable for skin on (most) of the rest of the body (the genito-anal region may be acceptable) don't seem to matter for the scalp. The thickness does not make it feel overly greasy, quite the opposite in fact, it seems to be a strength because it causes it to adhere better, causing less to run off on a passing hand, avoiding the feeling of it being greasy, along with better locking in moisture/maintaining the health of the scalp and hair, preventing dandruff.Too far to walk, don't really want to haul groceries on the bus. Besides, I'm quite happy with my 2 buck chuck. Have you tried it? The shiraz is actually one of my favorite wines, having tried a fair amount of nicer stuff (although I can't claim to have any real critical insight, it just tastes good to me). The pinot grigio is nice if you don't like reds.
http://www.traderjoes.com/fearless-flyer/article/433
Sounds interesting, I will try it.
Lazy. You don't need to carry a huge amount. Just look around.How much do you carry and what distance? I walk about a mile uphill to my grocery store, shop for 1-2 weeks at a time. Never weighed how much that is though.
I would regularly walk an hour each way before, just for the exercise. It's not uncommon for me to carry a 20 pound sack of potatoes or rice under an arm and a bag of other items in the other for a 10 minute walk home.
Before I used to gill a high capacity backpack with 40lbs worth when they had particularly good deals and stock up long term.
Even now 20 pounds in each hand for at 30-40 minutes total of walking is occasionally done. I've retained a surprising amount of muscle mass and strength despite being incredibly sedentary for a year and going off testosterone replacement therapy, my T levels likely being rock bottom. I still look surprising with my shirt off with proper posture. Seems I'm a hard gainer, but hard loser as well.That's been in my queue for a while now. Someone compared it favorably to non non biyori which seemed kinda funny but w/e. Post a review when you finish it.
The character of the girl is very unrealistic, but the premises of many films are. This fits with the style, if you're aware that it isn't supposed to be realistic from the start and can't accept that, can go with the flow if the film's style, it's definitely enjoyable, above average. You have to understand the style and be able to set that aside. Definitely worth watching, an above average film, but you have to keep in mind how low the bar is set. It won't blow you away, but, expectations.
Also, I enjoy entrepreneurship, it seems to be what I'm happy doing, the only problem is finding enough to occupy my time and being in the right state for it.
Sent this to a Chinese drug supplier I'm interested in, the replacement for tic-research/till.i.come@riseup,net:Found something that may be useful to you.
http://energycontrol.org/international.html
https://www.reddit.com/r/DNMAvengers/comments/3ex6fu/questions_about_energy_control_test/ctk9t23
Very cheap service that accepts illegal substances and does GC-MS and LC-MS for a low fee. Fast and easy to use.
They are safe to use and are well known among informed communities: www.google.com/search?q=site:reddit.com+energycontrol.org
It is a good service for testing batches of illegal product to confirm purity and that nothing bad is added or it is not different product. People are much more willing to purchase and buy larger amounts if you can show them test results. You can get more customers and increase sales.Thank you!
I'll consider it for a near future
It feels good to improve business relations. -
2016-02-16 at 7:28 AM UTC in I think about killing myself a lot
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2016-02-16 at 7:22 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionBought 4 wines to trial at Grocery outlet. Business model, how they're able to offer such massive discounts: http://goodcheapvino.com/grocery-outlet-wine-department-incredible-wine-bargains/
Blog, wish there were more contributors: https://grossoutwine.wordpress.com/
You should give it a try, Lanny. You enjoy thrift stores, this is like a thrift store for alcohol and food items. http://www.yelp.com/biz/grocery-outlet-san-francisco
I've also invented a new method for opening a wine bottle without an easy to remove cork (inconsiderate fucks). I call it the "Oh, fuck it!" method. First, quickly dig out as much of the cork as you can using a knife or screwdriver or something. Make it as clean as possible, then turn it upside down and kick it a few good pats, scrape the surface a bit to get any loose pieces out. Then, stab it all the way through with a screwdriver or whatever's suitable to relieve pressure, then push the cork all the way through. A bit of splashback, but surprisingly little. May have to adjust the cork, turn it sideways, so it won't interfere with the flow. It's sourced from the bark of a tree, it's not going to kill you.
You bet I'm going to trial all of them today. Hauling those bags around was good exercise, but hard work. Lanny, you'd be in tears if you had to carry bags of the same weights to the distances I've regularly done so.
Now, time to watch Léon: The Professional. -
2016-02-15 at 9:23 PM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionNSI-189 definitely has a strong effect on dreams and seems to bring back memories from the past. Also causes me to wake up early, normally my sleep patterns are persistently fucked up. Seems to be due to a cortisol rebound, there may have been additional information released that suggests it strongly reduces cortisol levels. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cortisol_awakening_response
I was waking up with some sweat, not soaked in it, but definitely felt humid. That seems to have gone away.
It's interesting how dreams can induce feelings and sensations that I've never actually experienced before, but feel highly realistic. -
2016-02-15 at 7:39 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionThat's not really what I wanted feedback on, philoso-autist.
What do you think about my "clubhouse" idea? In general and a strategy to attain maximum happiness and well being as an adult. Any problems you'd foresee?
Well, to begin with, I'd have to actually develop a personality first. Go from extreme isolated and undeveloped ultra-aspie with the IRL personality of cardboard, a non-personality, to having some level of charisma and vivaciousness. It seems just being unafraid to say what's on my mind, be forthright about my extremely controversial and unorthodox viewpoints, has been enough to receive surprisingly a surprisingly positive reception in the past, during what little social interaction I've had. Then there's the issue of whether other people would actually be willing to show up, which is what really worries me. I do not have much faith in human beings, even among the better men.
Also, I just took a sip of some of the leftover GHB-cohol I had left sitting over for months. No idea if it's safe to drink, what could have gone on after leaving it stagnant for so long. The reason I didn't finish it is because it developed an incredibly funky taste and smell, although surprisingly it didn't make me sick or give me a stomachache after drinking it prior to this. I did heat it to the point where harmful bacteria would be killed, but some types of bacteria and yeast are capable of producing toxic metabolites, so it's still a gamble. The taste definitely seems stronger and more alcoholic, but what I really wonder is whether the longer fermentation time produced more GHB. Before losing interest I had done more research and came to the conclusion that bottom fermenting brewing yeast, I think ale may have been the best choice, which ferments for much longer and at lower temperatures, was the optimal choice for this and could make a large difference in the quantity of GHB produced.
No idea what's going to happen. I only took a small amount because a GHB overdose can kill or at least KO you and I don't know how much, if any, it may contain. -
2016-02-15 at 5:47 AM UTC in Happy Violent Times Day
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2016-02-15 at 5:43 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionLanny, imagine this. And, hey, I read every one of your lengthy drunken/methed up rants and have no problem getting through it, even in my state, if you have a problem reading through this at an acceptable rate you need to work on your reading speed and ability to sustain attention. Now, there would still be the issue of whether this is worth reading (boring) or irrelevant to you, but the same is true from me to you: You eventually become well off enough to be able to afford a nice size home in a good neighborhood where many of your friends live, or can at least access rapidly enough. You've set it up with a banquet table, open kitchen, and nice recreation area (video games, other items for social events/group activities, drug/alcohol bar). Due to not having children, family, or a wife, or if you have a wife you've found someone who is similar to you, has similar traits, worldview, ideals, and is open to the following idea, and you're still able to have an area you can retreat to when you desire privacy. This region is always open at any time for whoever you've selected to use, let's say using a fingerprint system for safety. Fears of theft would be unfounded if you had selected high quality people in a good neighborhood, educated, lack of financial problems, and not having sociopathic or kleptomaniacal traits or some other form of mental illness/instability that would be cause for concern (mean world syndrome, cognitive biases, risks generally being greatly overestimated, particularly by women, especially those with children, on average). Considering the quality of the average person, even above average, which, using IQ as a proxy, would simply be anyone over 100, a low bar, even the average college graduate, I wouldn't blame the majority of people for not being open to this idea, for their concerns. God, particularly for the lower classes, those poor fools, this would never work for them and the people they have available. But were elitist here, we only want the best.
Humans weren't meant to be alone, and even if we don't recognize it, the overwhelming majority*
*Only a tiny fraction, Buddhist monks/hermits, members of other religions consumed by some ecstatic rapture, usually described as a feeling of connection or oneness to god, or a feeling of deep meaning or love mediated by some icon in their fables, most likely due to mental illness, but, hey, let's be honest, genuinely being able to believe something of that nature could make you genuinely blissful. I suppose you would then question whether it would be worth deluding yourself. Even then, Buddhism would be a better path and it wouldn't require isolation. As to the concept you've brought up before of being able to choose your own mental state, there's still an underlying biological framework, we evolved so that certain things make us happy, and there are still going to be limitations, channels you're essentially following. Even if you were pushing a boulder up a hill, you'd have to convince yourself and truly believe there was some deeper meaning to it, that it was amounting to something, contributing to the advancement of the human race, the joy/well being/utility of others; and this would essentially be a delusion, and it's questionable whether everyone would have the capacity for it, then you'd have to decide why you would even want to, and whether you could do so without essentially going mad, which would bring a host of other problems. My knowledge is much more scattered and less specialized than yours (computer science and philosophy), I don't know what your grasp of human evolution and behavior is. What I'm getting at is, my demonstration, well, let's use this example: Just think of the roots of the driving forces of behaviors. For example, you enjoy comp-sci. Ultimately it leads to survival benefits, there's an aspect of reciprocal altruism, the group dynamics of human beings and their cooperative systems, unfortunately mate acquisition is on some level always a factor, although for the intelligent it goes far beyond that.
So, wouldn't that seem ideal? Like, imagine this by your university, so you could draw in your favorite professors and students, just seek out people to abduct into your inner circle, which is even easier when you have someone with you. Ideally they would filled the hell out of the bay (opportunity cost, pollution and inefficiency caused by using bridges instead of what could have been roads/highways or mass/rapid transit going straight across, greater area for housing and business development, the bay being a lousy area for wildlife anyway (fucking environmentalists, fuck them!), this would more than have justified it, but of course people are fucking retarded and don't think like economists/rationalists) so you could have a rapid route straight to Berkeley, particularly UC Berkeley, as well, maybe a bit of Emeryville and downtown Oakland too.
As opposed to being in some boring fucking suburb people choose for their children, because they think it's a good environment for them, a good "family environment", school district often heavily factoring into it. Pair up and team off. There are so many problems with the idea of having children, I'm an avowed anti-natalist and would not have biological children simply on this principle, I truly believe it is immoral and would be willing to sacrifice any joy, the experience, any advantages of the natural process (Filthy and animalistic and mainly for the women, the fucking women!).
And this is a major of the reason why people pair up and team off, then have children. People generally like having life around them. Remember, only 6% or unmarried women in their 40s don't have children, so don't think it can't happen to you. If you genuinely don't want them you're going to have a hard time finding someone compatible, a rationalist female, because there are immense on average differences and strong biological drives. The concept of the biological clock does have evidence supporting it, and even if she states she doesn't want them, for many women, educated/professional women, the urge becomes much stronger once they enter their 30s, particularly when they see their stupid fucking shithead friends popping them out, baby fever is in the air (phenomenon also supported by evidence), they form this idealized image and get hopped up on whatever the fuck neurotransmitters and hormones their filthy decrepit female bodies are pumping out to induce them to fulfill their biological imperative.
Even for introverts, I think the idea that there's a need to "recharge" after social activity is in part due to the people you spend time with (coworkers) generally not being the optimal people you would have chosen to associate with if you could have your choice, along with the ugliness of group dynamics, and the flaws of the places where people gather for social activities (Other people, people you don't choose, being there.). All these flaws accrue. There may also be deficits that contribute to this and can be ameliorated, such as sensory overload, deficits in social processing that are being compensated for, which could be described as being autistic traits, being closer to one end of the spectrum.
There are so many problems, grievances, I have with the idea of having children. It's a generic route that does not appeal to me and I want nothing to do with it. Jesus, just think of the whole process, you're bringing someone who had no need to exist into the world to fulfill your own selfish desires, the desire to be needed, to evoke emotions in you, give you something to nurture, there's the opportunity cause argument for immorality (resources and time could be devoted to others), the immense environmental impact (http://www.livescience.com/9701-save-planet-kids.html), and then these people have the gall to believe and claim they're good for engaging in nepotistic behavior and providing for someone that they brought into existence and are obligated to care for, they have the audacity to complain about work they made for themselves and often even rationalize forcing others to subsidize them (I'm not selfish for wanting to force you to subsidize my selfish decision, you're selfish for not wanting to do so.), as if they're doing the world a favor or even had the greater good in mind when they made that decision! No, raising some stupid child, going through that entire dull process and having your brain go haywire, literally being significantly modified and your levels and responses of neurotransmitters, endorphins, and hormones altered so that you go into lala land engage in a wide variety of cognitive biases shaped and augmented by societal pressures to form a completely inaccurate view of the experience, does not appeal to me. Devoting my life to raising someone else does not appeal to me or seem ideal at all, in fact, the basic and repetitive processes are boring as fuck; although I fully understand the feelings of love and nurture, that due to our biological makeup it is a unique experience that like won't quite be matched by anything else. For those who ask about whether you'll regret it, you're missing out on something either way. If you're bored you're boring, and the reality is that most people don't have what it takes, don't have the drive, intelligence, and imagination to develop fulfilling lives without going through the conventional route. Ideally many of the things that people enjoy about children could be done with a romantic partner if you were willing to find a rare one sufficiently compatible, who has achieved a level of personal development and has the traits that have allowed them to arrive at the same conclusions as you, or are willing to listen to reason as opposed to emotional arguments driven by subconscious/biological desires which they simply attempt to rationalize.
I was so unwilling to accept the flaws of human life, my disdain for biological reality, that I isolated myself for over a decade until I reconsidered my views and accepted it was unsustainable, but here I draw the line. I am not playing this game. I will not compete for social status and women, pair up, team off, and retreat into the comfort of an immoral family creative to fulfill biological needs. If society is unacceptable, create your own beautiful bubble: http://econlog.econlib.org/archives/2012/03/my_beautiful_bu.htmlWhy put so much distance between myself and the outside world? Because despite my legendary optimism, I find my society unacceptable. It is dreary, insipid, ugly, boring, wrong, and wicked. Trying to reform it is largely futile; as the Smiths tell us, "The world won't listen." Instead, I pursue the strategy that actually works: Making my small corner of the world beautiful in my eyes. If you ever meet my children or see my office, you'll know what I mean.
I'm hardly autarchic. I import almost everything I consume from the outside world. Indeed, I frequently leave the security of my Bubble to walk the earth. But I do so as a tourist. Like a truffle pig, I hunt for the best that "my" society has to offer. I partake. Then I go back to my Bubble and tell myself, "America's a nice place to visit, but you wouldn't want to live there."
http://econlog.econlib.org/archives/2013/04/make_your_own_b.html
It's possible I've just been alone for so long, I'm depressed and miserable and am no longer able to enjoy solitude as healthy people can, that I've had enough of being alone for a lifetime, and this is what it's led me to fantasize about, but, no, it seems reasonable. The diseases of modern civilization and why modern man will always suffer to some extent, the mismatch between the radically different environment of the modern era and the one we evolved for.
http://theviewfromhell.blogspot.com/2011/05/maslow-be-damned-how-social-belonging.htmlRochat provides a glimpse of the alternative to our modern experience of daily social ostracism and consequent social pain: small village organization. Of course, this is not a real alternative; it is not possible for our enormous, complex modern society to operate in this way. Most of us would not even wish to live in this way, with its concomitant social control and extreme conservatism. I certainly would not. But it demonstrates that we are adapted to something very different than the environment in which we live. And this necessary mismatch - which, in fact, defines us as moderns - ensures that we will all suffer, and make each other suffer, interminably.
Create a new alternative for the tribe and finally. Spit in the face of biology and society. This is the superior path. It reminds me of reading about Marx's circle of philosophers and whoever else was in it. Ah, here it is: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Die_Freien
So, yes, one of my life goals is to essentially build a clubhouse so I can stop feeling so alone. If it ever occurs, you're welcome to be a part of it. -
2016-02-14 at 10:39 PM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition1/3 of the way into the American Psycho audiobook. This is the worst thing I've ever listened to. It's completely believable that some people live in a world like this, and it's horrifying. There are many subcultures that are unacceptable, the hip hop/gangster/ghetto culture among minorities, religious clusters, god, just about everywhere you look you can find the majority being people you want nothing to do with, at the very least boring and unrelatable. This is different, though, a culture of the wealthy and intelligent, yet so grotesque.
It was one of the most depressing things I've listened to, unnerving due to the though that this may a reflection of what's awaiting you in many parts of the world, in corporate/high income environments, among some groups of professionals. How realistic it is aside, and there's something clear that it's building up to, I'm not sure I may have noticed this as clearly when I read the book, but I feel I understand why Bateman did what he did, killed and inflicted pain on so many people, in such a horrific manner. And up until now there's been no real action. I didn't realize the book was so incredibly dry in a way for such a large part of it. -
2016-02-14 at 9:38 PM UTC in Official "My PMs and New Threads don't work" bump threadWhen I try to PM someone: That action could not be completed. Please try again, and if this occurs again please contact the system administrator and tell them how you got this message.
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2016-02-14 at 7:47 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition1.) An idea I had while lying in bed in the dark listening to the American Psycho audio book (I didn't realize/recall how dull a good portion of the first part was. Although, of course, there's a purpose behind it, a central theme to the book that author is illustrating.). Listening to audio books while on psychedelics, the increase in visualization ability and empathy (vicarious experiencing of emotion, being able to understand and identify with the emotional states of others, stronger theory of mind, being able to better feel and imagine what it's like to be someone else, their unique perception, thoughts, how their background and general mental profile shape this.) greatly augmenting the experience, having it unfold in your mind.
Seems a few other people had the same idea: http://www.google.com/search?q=audio...R+psychedelics
Good sci-fi, something fast paced and active, yet lacking elements that may be overly difficult to comprehend or that could throw you off considerably, depending on how it personally effects your cognition, could be the best choice. Mental processes and activity are generally amplified and accelerated, so something simplistic that doesn't enough action/intensity or a fast enough pace, doesn't captivate you and take up enough of your mental resources, could leave your mind wandering and distracted.
2.) Came across something amusing on the Darknet market subreddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/DarkNetMark...3h3w?context=3Stupid as fuck. That said I have certain google alerts to get my news. You can't imagine that shit I run into on Craigslist Most prominent "teach me the darkweb will pay". Some as high as $500. Oddly mostly the bay area.
Tons of pot and clones.What? To be clear, some people have posted actual listings offering to pay others to teach them how to utilize the darkweb?
I'm actually in the SF bay area. So…have you or "a friend" ever gone through with those offers? Just curious.
"How to use the darknet markets". I wonder if it would actually be illegal to do tutoring on that if you structured it properly.Yes they will pay. No idea about legality. No I don't have the time to teach anyone. Watch Craigslist.
Offering to tutor people on how to use the Darkweb. Bring a USB drive with all the programs needed, show them how to use them, maybe some print outs of files on instructions as well for them to reference afterward, how to acquire bitcoin, the best options, local and online, wallets and transferring safely (apparently your major online vendors like Circle may shut down accounts if you transfer directly to a market wallet without obfuscation), safety protocols, set up a password manager and how them how to use it (KeePass's auto-type is kind of neat/convenient), the various markets and top ones, quickly set up a throwaway account just for demonstration purposes, look through listings, choosing the best product and researching their needs, good sources for information on drugs, how to verify vendor reputability (mostly check the subreddit and Grams vendor profile page), the perils of finalizing early and risks of new vendors, what countries have the highest risk for international orders, a breakdown of stealth and how with proper technique there's a low likelihood of seizure, confirming the safety of it when done properly, the immense amount of mail that's continually being processed making it easy to slip things through and the stealth that's used to avoid detection, how even if it's found they'll only seize it and send a letter notifying that it was seized, that they can't prove you payed or agreed to have it sent to you and there are no repercussions, the psychology behind the fear of breaking the law and deconstructing the irrationality of their fears (much bigger things to worry about), safest methods for receiving it (PO box), extra precautions they can take if desired, how to use PGP to send to a vendor their order (The paper Why Johnny Can't Encrypt was so fucking sad, and I think it was done with UC Berkeley students, which only makes it worse. Oh god, just skim through it.), how to transfer to the market wallet and then pay, maybe even send them their first bitcoins (only a tiny amount is needed) to demonstrate the process and show that they actually make it through (big impact the closer they get to fully realizing and witnessing the entire process in motion, that it actually works and isn't a scam).
Legally, probably gray area at best, depending on how you handle it, but I highly doubt the police would set up a sting operation for this (they have much bigger things to worry about) if it even managed to get on their radar somehow. At the very least it could certainly be amusing and interesting, bring in a good hourly rate. Main question would be how much demand there would be, and marketing/advertising strategies. I wasn't serious at first, but writing it out, it does seem like it would make for a nice little course. -
2016-02-14 at 1:34 AM UTC in I think about killing myself a lot
. A large part of my issues are financial (this isn't a guilt trip). We just don't have any money, the economy in the US is awful, and nobody gets ahead. Like President Obama said, "just getting by" is the new American Dream. The reason that I bring this up is basically for past three years I've been trying to figure out a way to make more than $14,000 a year so that I can take steps in the right direction. For the first two years after graduation I was applying to over 100 jobs a month in all sorts of skill levels. Nothing led anywhere, and it reached a point where I stopped trying. I recently started trying again.
Even so, I still have prospects and I'm hopeful, but it's just an awful feeling. I feel like a waste. It's not uncommon for twenty-somethings to go through a "quarter life crisis" anymore.Also, like I seem to have to constantly remind you, I have a degree in psychology. As in, I paid a shit ton of money to have the instruction and guidance of professionals in the field with first hand sources and produced research in laboratory with full course load for four years. I also had honors.
Well there's your problem. What the hell were you thinking? It's one of the most popular majors, has one of the lowest average incomes, highest unemployment rates, and one of the worst gender rations (around 75% female IIRC). What did you expect? If you want a good career in your field you literally need at least 3 degrees, or some sort of certification after you receive your bachelor's, I'm not familiar with your field and the licensing process.
You really aren't in a position to be reprimanding others for their intelligence, choices in life, and the work they do. And if this is how you react to a teenager online (I'm referring to your conversation with Dissociator) who tells you you've hurt their feelings and caused a temporary depressive episode for deriding their passion, are you really the kind of person that should be in this field? No wonder no one wants to hire you. What kind of psychologist would someone like you be? -
2016-02-14 at 12:53 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionCame across something interesting, a harm reduction organization in Spain that accepts illegal substances and does GC-MS and LC-MS for a low fee. Simple process and doesn't take too long to receive results.
http://energycontrol.org/international.html
https://www.reddit.com/r/DNMAvengers/comments/3ex6fu/questions_about_energy_control_test/ctk9t23
May be able to utilize it for free via the DNM Avengers: https://www.reddit.com/r/DNMAvengers/comments/3wiw1p/dnm_avengers_new_partnership_with_energy_control/ -
2016-02-13 at 7:47 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionI wonder if Donald Trump will ever make a stop/have a rally in or near the bay area. I would totally go to that just for kicks and to get out more.
"You're like the Mexican version of Uncle Tom."
Tachosomoza said that to me once. *sigh* Those were fun times. Tempted to pull off a Hispanic version of Clayton Bigsby, even using fake tan, possibly ethnic clothing, or clothing with anti-immigration Mexican/border themed designs, while passing out pamphlets highlighting the negative effects of multiculturalism/immigration, along with a good primer on race realism.
Oh my god, imagine tracking down Tacho and sending him a video of that without informing him I was only doing it for my amusement, instead saying I had gone off the deep end and was genuinely an ardent Trump supporter.
It would depend on how Nardil effects me. I may also enlist the help of the chans for support, make them aware of my plans and hopefully have some people show up to provide emotional support, a group of peers to retreat into if needed.
"You don't have to be White to accept the supremacy of the White race." would probably be too over the top for a sign, go too far and people will think you're satirical or a saboteur. You have to play the line between confusing/befuddling and possibly insane/mentally unstable. -
2016-02-13 at 7:12 AM UTC in I think about killing myself a lotRead my recommendations here, if you're interested, it will help you understand what you're experiencing. The book is excellent, possibly the best there currently is on suicide, and makes for good depressive reading. https://www.reddit.com/r/Documentaries/comments/3wjn5q/the_bridge_2006_a_documentary_that_captures_a/cxwu5ik
Suicide is a permanent non-solution to an almost certainly temporary problem.
If you see conscious existence itself as the problem, then a permanent solution is exactly what you want. I was able to rationalize suicide via so many angles. The sense of self may be illusory, there are problems with the concept of the continuity of consciousness, which would imply that ultimately you may not be losing anything. -
2016-02-13 at 7:02 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionDamn, still having thoughts of suicide. I thought I was over that point. I wish I could just put myself into a coma and sleep until my Nardil prescription is available. I've accepted that I've degraded to the point where, realistically, I need the most powerful antidepressants and anxiolytics (Nardil has both properties) just to function and be able to begin to attempt to recover. I'll probably need to be on it for the rest of my life, but I'm okay with that. I had endogenous deficits to begin with, I likely always would have needed medication, or at least greatly benefited from it, but at this point so much damage has been done it's really a necessity. God, those days where it was painful just to make it to the end where I would have a reprieve from consciousness, I hoped to never go back to that point. I don't develop a desire for sleep from physical or mental exhaustion, it's from being tired of just existing in this state. It's not anywhere near as bad as it was during the peak around late 2014, the thought of returning to that point scares me; I know how people feel before they commit suicide. I'm going to continue to degrade without intervention. I really try not to think of everything that's occurred, the cumulative effect of the damage that's been done and what I missed out on, I had severe OCD, which can manifest in very different forms, and just kept replaying things over and over day after day for years, recurrent themes and fixations.
This must be what it feels like to be terminally ill. I have enough etizolam to KO me for as long as needed, if it gets to that point, but recognize I shouldn't. Had been drinking nearly every day for a week or two just to get me through them. Adopt and aspie and rebuild me. As bad as this sounds, and I know exactly how it comes across, I really just needed someone to save me from the cycle I was trapped in, but no one owes it to me and life isn't like the movies, the world is inadequate and people all around us suffer and fall. I did this, I drove myself to a point where there was literally no one there and I was in a state, things had been developing for so long, that I was in the worst position to begin to change. I was so extremely autistic I began systemizing humanity, then my life, finally my being. Even after all the damage, in that state, I had enough intelligence where I genuinely managed to significantly reduce my symptoms (inadvertently treating chronic inflammation and the downstream effect on synaptic pruning, along with memantine and a few other key substances are likely what caused it; it would take too long to explain everything) and come to understand everything.
And I'm still going in autistic cycles. This has been said before, the themes at least aren't new. But, it's like, to begin with text on a screen doesn't always give an accurate impression of what someone's like IRL. To demonstrate this point I may have linked to an interesting thread I came across by a low functioning autistic with a very high IQ who was managing to excel in university, but still needed great assistance with basic tasks and had other deficits.
Imagine if you were the kind of autistic person who was completely trapped in their inner world, the kind that never speaks or has human relationships/interaction, just completely withdrawn and shut down, and then, through the process I went through, you managed to realize what you were and what had occurred, that this was your life and the state you were in, that you never developed normally and were now in the worst position to begin to change. To make it clearer, bring to mind a general image of a low functioning autistic just sitting on the floor hugging their knees, possibly rocking back and forth at times, glassy eyed and staring at the wall. Not that I was ever really at that point, but just imagine suddenly snapping out of it, and here you are. Absolutely absurd, out of all the people on Earth why did I have to be myself. The most profound and persistent feeling of alienation, isolation, ostracism, disillusionment, and melancholy.
I'm so emo I was tearing up behind my sunglasses walking home a few days ago because the world felt so empty, like there was nothing out there for me, and I didn't belong anywhere. Even home doesn't feel like home, it's a biological storage and maintenance facility, devoid of humanity. It was the homes that really depressed me, because they're all closed off to me, containers of human warmth I can't reach, feel, and am starving for. At this point I honestly can't even remember what it was like to be part of a family.
I can't believe I did this to myself. I suppose I could sum it up by saying that I essentially had a problem with being human, and that despite being in a human body somehow I really didn't understand how to live life as a human being at all.