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Posts by gadzooks
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2018-12-13 at 2:26 AM UTC in Today I was α as fuck to a chick instead of my usual β self
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2018-12-13 at 2:25 AM UTC in Today I was α as fuck to a chick instead of my usual β selfActually I'll prep alright.
By going to the gym and doing mad reps.
That's how I'll prep, through reps.
The prophet Brodin hath created the Iron Temple for achieving entrance to Swolehalla.
Do You Even Lift, Bro? -
2018-12-13 at 2:19 AM UTC in Today I was α as fuck to a chick instead of my usual β self
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2018-12-13 at 2:17 AM UTC in Today I was α as fuck to a chick instead of my usual β selfOh, in case it isn't clear at the end, I did not go over to her place. I had the cab driver drop me off at home first.
I'm not sure how clear that ending is. -
2018-12-13 at 2:09 AM UTC in Today I was α as fuck to a chick instead of my usual β selfSo first, a bit of background on me:
My weight has fluctuated throughout my life.
I was a (nay, the) fat kid growing up.
Then I miraculously thinned out in my late teens, and, despite effectively being socially retarded, I discovered alcohol, which gave me even more confidence than my inexplicably athletic figure that came out of nowhere, so sex became a regular thing for me for a few years. It was like one long orgy.
Then in my early 20's, I started gaining weight, and fast. A nightly 6 drink minimum was probably a major contributor. So, fat and socially retarded, no amount of alcohol could turn me into anything resembling some kind of casanova.
Then came the 10 year drought. Legit, I did not have sex (or a date, for that matter) in an entire decade.
I resolve to lose the weight, and really dedicate myself to it, and I lose 100 lbs.
Literally days after reaching my goal weight (healthy BMI), I hooked up with this older alcoholic lady up the street. Sure, she's liquored up all the time, and she's like almost 20 years older than me, but she has a surprisingly decent body, and, was willing to sleep with me (again, after ten years without sex). So we basically just drank and fucked for a week straight.
I kinda caught feelings pretty hard (remember, 10 years), and that ended up putting her off. But I felt so heart-broken for weeks after that. I did a lot thinking, but mostly a lot of drinking. Luckily, my sex life ended up picking back up right where it left-off ten years ago, and shortly after there were a few more women sleeping with me, getting progressively more attractive / "out-of-my-league" (the most recent one being a gorgeous/flawless 19 year old (remember, I'm in my 30's at this point)).
So tonight, I have a chance encounter with the wino gal from up the street as I'm getting into a cab. It turns out she called a cab to the same place as me at the same time. So we share the cab, but I had plans to stop by the liquor store on the way, so I do that. She asks me to get her some Fireball whiskey (which just so happens to be what I'm picking up for myself), so I grab two two-sixes (Canadian slang for 750 ml bottles), and she says that she'll pay me back when we get to her place (we live on the same street). She's clearly drunk, as freaking always, but she invites me over. So I say yes, but then she starts acting up. At first she's all nice, but then she starts like, barking orders at me. Now, the old me (the sexless for 10 years me) would be all like "yes, Mistress, whatever you say goes…" But instead, I just throw her the bottle of Fireball and tell her to pay for the cab.
And I'm all like...
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2018-12-12 at 11:40 PM UTC in Predict the Future
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2018-12-12 at 11:36 PM UTC in My daughter just died
Originally posted by Bologna Nacho heysoos?
I have a South American friend named Jesus but we all pretty much pronounce it like that.
And some of us just call him Jessie.
It gets weird when you talk about calling up your friend Jesus (and you pronounce it like "geezus").
It gives off vibes of either schizophrenia, or religious fanaticism. -
2018-12-12 at 10:01 PM UTC in What keeps YOU from getting on that bus?
Originally posted by HTS I live in Canada too. Prescriptions aren't covered. Snake oil is still SOLD. For profit. >:(
Yeah, I guess prescriptions are kind of a grey area.
For the past few years I've been either unemployed or underemployed, so my low enough income status would cover most drugs. Once I was prescribed some exotic throat medication after I got something after kissing a hooker on the mouth (now I understand the common warning), and I had to pay for it because it wasn't covered.
Now I have a decent job with all the benefits, so I'm back to having my (at least, my day-to-day) medications covered.
But ultimately, yes, big pharma does still benefit. They get paid either way. -
2018-12-12 at 9:56 PM UTC in What keeps YOU from getting on that bus?
Originally posted by CASPER I also acknowledge that I've barely given life a shot. I know I'm capable of finishing school. I know I'm capable of running a business. I know I have more than average empathy for people, and I genuinely like helping people. I know at the very least I'm above average intelligence wise. For all his rhetoric, malice refused to engage with life and people around him, and take the steps needed to live a fulfilling life. Then again his brain chemistry was kinda fucked too.
Yeah I've noticed some people kinda throw in the towel a bit too easily. And the brain chemistry thing has far-reaching implications like free will, predestination, nature vs nurture, etc. There is no way to know exactly what another person is going through at any given moment. Human personality and consciousness are highly complex.
It's one of the reasons I get really annoyed with the stern "anti-suicide / anti-euthanasia" crowd. How can you possibly know with any certainty what another person is going through?
But I do like your optimism and that you acknowledge your strengths. Definitely put them to use, and in a variety of ways, before you even start thinking about throwing in the towel / boarding the bus.
Originally posted by CASPER Idk. There's a Remington 870 and a box of #4 shot shells in my closet. There's that lingering feeling that I might be okay again, and that if I dont wait long enough, I might miss out. But if there comes a day where I'm fairly certain that's no longer the case, I'll rent a car, pack up my stuff, find a quiet spot somewhere with a view, wrap a towel and a tarp around my head and duct tape it there (since it seems so selfish to leave that gross mess for someone to have to clean up), and punch my ticket. And it won't be a sad thing. It'll just mean I'm too tired to do this anymore. But mostly I think people who are this depressed just don't have the energy to Do the things that will actually make you happy.
The fact that you have an effective method thought out and the essential resources to end your life, and have gone this far without, I think shows tremendous resilience.
I'm not much on guns, and living in Canada, it's not a very common thing for your typical Canadian citizen to own one, but I can't help but imagine if I had one lying around, that I'd probably have used it by now, probably while under the influence of some drug or another (most likely alcohol with that 'liquid courage').
Originally posted by CASPER As shortlived as it was, just spending nights in bed with the girl I was with, and talking about kids and life and being a weird introverted kid…did wonders for my headspace. It's so easy to feel disconnected and inhuman and unhappy when you're disconnected and out of touch with everything around you. I've come to understand that happiness isn't something you just stumble into. It's lazy and selfish and natural to feel this way. But health and happiness is something you have to actively work towards and I think that's what Malice just couldn't wrap his head around. He was so furious at the injustice of life, like an incel furious at the world at large. But the truth was, he didn't try. I tried to connect with him. Others did too. It was too much effort for him.
You touch on an interesting point that I myself was considering making, but wasn't sure how much incels are understood and/or empathized with around here.
Most of my best memories involve love, romance, affection, and so on. Those are the ones that keep me around.
It's why I kinda get where a lot of the incel rage and hopelessness comes from.
If you've never experienced happiness, it seems perfectly reasonable to assume that you never will.
So yeah, brains are complex machines, and I really appreciate the fact that you are aware of that and can embrace that level of empathy for someone like Malice.
Keep on keepin' on, and best of luck to you going forward. -
2018-12-12 at 9:41 PM UTC in What keeps YOU from getting on that bus?
Originally posted by WellHung The downside is that high doses end up 'zombifying' you… you end up being too flat. It sucks, but perhaps get back on the Medication Carousel and get back to trial and error and Hopefully you'll find something better, eventually. Or, you could get a pill cutter and keep reducing your daily medication dosage by 5mg until you reach a proper therapeutic dose for your body chemistry. You will know what dose that is, subjectively, intuitively, when you achieve it 👍
I would 'Thank' this post twice if I could.
While I have contemplated getting off the meds (tapering, to reduce withdrawal effects), I only ever thought of it as a shaky correlation assumption (i.e. I think my depression has gotten worse since they put me on anti-depressants (and I still get a kick out of that irony), but I'm not quite sure, so it's something I can consider among many options).
But I never really considered the possible mechanism of action behind it. And maybe that's precisely the issue. It's flattened my affect to the point that I lost all the motivation I once had in life, and reduced my high's as well and not just my low's.
But I always figured that was more a Lithium thing. I was actually prescribed Lithium like 15 years ago when psychiatrists thought I might be bipolar (one even said schizoaffective - it's like bipolar with a dash of schizophrenia symptoms thrown in). Now that was a medication I couldn't stand taking for long.
I actually have a long history of stopping any psychiatric medications.
I'm 34 now and this round of a treatment attempt is by far the longest one I've stuck with (close to two years now).
I really do need to think through the psychiatric medication angle quite a bit more though.
So thank you, because that was another blind spot I had for some reason and you've helped bring it to light. -
2018-12-12 at 9:33 PM UTC in What keeps YOU from getting on that bus?
Originally posted by Ghost Wow how dumb do you have to be to take prozac for OCD. You got sold snake oil by a big pharma shill.
I live in Canada. Does not compute.
Originally posted by Ghost Non psychoactive cannabis oil works better anyways
I'm actually going to try this. Psychoactive cannabis compounds my OCD/anxiety symptoms exponentially, but if there's truly non-high enducing cannabis oil out there, and it has some beneficial pharmacological effects, I am definitely down for giving it a try. -
2018-12-12 at 1:17 AM UTC in Predict the Future
Originally posted by gadzooks I predict that, by December, I will have cut virtually all recreational drugs out of my life.
I have actually been surprisingly effective at this.
I still have my few drinks before bed every night, but no more meth, GHB, hallucinogens, dextromethorphan hydrobromide, ketamine, crack, etc.
I occasionally take a couple mg of alprazolam or clonazepam if I wake up in the middle of the night, but that's essentially taking them as they are intended, not recreationally.
So yeah, it is December and I have cut virtually all recreational drugs out of my life.
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2018-12-12 at 1:04 AM UTC in LANNY'S PI
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2018-12-12 at 1:03 AM UTC in What keeps YOU from getting on that bus?I think I thanked just about every poster in this thread, some more than once.
But I also want to say a verbal "thank you" for the positivity and encouragement, or the humor, or the relatable stories, that you all brought to the table. -
2018-12-12 at 1:03 AM UTC in What keeps YOU from getting on that bus?
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2018-12-12 at 12:59 AM UTC in What keeps YOU from getting on that bus?
Originally posted by HTS Spite, basically. If I kill myself a bunch of people will be like "lol tranny killed itself, way to prove the statistics right hts", so fuck that.
Sometimes I even think of spite as good motivation to stick around, although not quite for the same reasons.
But everyday I stay breathing, any haters/enemies out there (I'm sure I have some... I mean, everyone has haters of some variety), it is like sticking it to them for one more day. -
2018-12-12 at 12:55 AM UTC in What keeps YOU from getting on that bus?
Originally posted by larrylegend8383 I also have two childhood friends who were brothers. One jumped off a parking garage and the other was shot and killed. Every day I feel like I'm running a marathon that they didn't get to finish. I'ma finish that bitch for them.
I haven't brought it up yet in this thread, but that's also a part of the motivation I have to keep going, and would be a great source of guilt in suicide.
Everyone talks about the guilt that goes with leaving people grieving, but there's also the guilt of taking life for granted when others didn't even get the chance.
I had a friend OD when he was 19 (I was 21). It's part of what motivates me to try new things all the time and to take risks (of a certain variety - i.e. not necessarily daredevilism or anything over the top) in life. It's part of why I have a lot of ambitious goals that I work towards. It would be a tremendous insult to someone who died so young if I took my life for granted. -
2018-12-12 at 12:51 AM UTC in What keeps YOU from getting on that bus?
Originally posted by Lanny I used to want to end it all. Then I read Chicken Soup for Faggots by Alfredo Gonzales and it spoke to me on a deep level. As in like 7-9 inches deep. Deep in my anus I felt uplifted, and not just because of the upward tilted pelvic thrusting, it was like my fag-soul was soothed for the first time in my life. I realized I didn't need to get on that bus, I'd have many more opportunities to be penetrated, suck dick, and generally be a faggot if I hitchhiked into suicide instead of doing it the pussy way by taking a bus.
Where does one get a copy of Chicken Soup for Faggots?
If you try to google it, it brings up British recipes (they eat faggots over there).
I like the hitchhiking analogy though because it's more akin to the idea brought up by someone above about taking risks and trying adventurous things first - better to die while living life than to die prematurely. -
2018-12-12 at 12:47 AM UTC in What keeps YOU from getting on that bus?
Originally posted by vindicktive vinny it is hope and dreams, other than responsibilities to our loved ones that keep most of us alive, enduring thru another day of hell with out teeth gritted …
but to have achieved your hope and dreams so easily, you either have to be some one with really low expectation of yourself,
or a high achiever.
the question is which ones you.
To me, it seems like the whole point is to have high expectations, and to continually be striving towards them throughout your whole life, and maybe that's where meaning comes from.
Reading a bunch of Nietzsche kinda inspired that way of thinking in me.
If you're always striving towards some goal or better version of yourself, you're always occupied. -
2018-12-12 at 12:47 AM UTC in What keeps YOU from getting on that bus?
Originally posted by vindicktive vinny but the more you had them recalled, the more they're being altered and by the time your 50 what you remembered isnt really what happened.
just figments of your immagination.
That's fucking depressing.
Also kinda solipsistic and nihilistic as well.
Like, what's the point of even remembering anything?
Ah well, I still choose to remember.
