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Posts by Malice
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2016-01-03 at 8:28 AM UTC in Sorry if anyone needed me...Is it possible to automate it? Someone may be willing to help. Maybe sophie, or Lanny if he wasn't such a lazy nigger/didn't have IRL responsibilities and an actual serious career.
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2016-01-03 at 7:27 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition"The person in whom its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t’ and ‘Hang On!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling." - David Foster Wallace
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2016-01-03 at 3:11 AM UTC in Sorry if anyone needed me...
Yep. A day or two before the attack wasn't archived, but besides that, it's all there. Software, custom packages, themes, and everything. Do you want me to get a specific thread for you?
The retarded thread would be nice. -
2016-01-03 at 3:10 AM UTC in Post your theories for why I've been posting here lessKeatmine antidepressant after effect.
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2016-01-02 at 7:38 AM UTC in I need to know why my dog isn't offended by my seroquel
and that just leaves me and my dad. He asked me if I needed anything, I said yeah, so he went to the car and got me a xanax and took one himself.
tl;dr…me and my dad are probably not going to beat eachother up/spew word garbage at eachother anymore because we realized bitches be crazy.
Aww. -
2016-01-01 at 11:15 AM UTC in Being gang stalked /target individualsOk, it's good that your life is alright and you aren't using drugs. The rest of it still stands, though. In fact, that this is happening in spite of that is a bad sign because you don't have these things to blame for causing or exacerbating the symptoms.
Have you tried Abilify before? It may be a good thing to start out with, it's different: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aripiprazole#Pharmacology -
2016-01-01 at 6:03 AM UTC in Being gang stalked /target individuals
Do I have schizophrenia?
I seriously don't know, I don't know you well enough.
You definitely have problems, an unhealthy lifestyle, mentality, and drug use. All these things could cause something to develop if you're predisposed, who knows what could wrong independent of your genetics.
Your lifestyle is like randomly throwing a wrench into the machinery of your brain.Bill Krozby it was the black subarus that would drive in circles around the abandoned parking lot when I'd go there to smoke because I was an edgy 13 year old back then
I started running for my life
turns out it was just some kid practicing driving.
Lol. Oh, the mental imagery. -
2016-01-01 at 5:55 AM UTC in Lol, Mark Salling got v&.
If people didn't watch CP, CP wouldn't be made. Therefore, anyone who watches CP, even if they don't actually fuck children, has a part in the crime. I'm not sure someone should actually go to jail for more than a month or two for it, but still. A lot of that is not consensual, and there's really no way you could know.
Viewing it doesn't necessarily benefit the creators, allow them to profit, and that isn't the only reason they do it. Of course most are faked/staged, but why do so many people upload sex videos? There's more to it than money. I recall reading that trading is a big part of it for many pedos. So even without non-participating pedos viewing it, it would still be made. It's "pirated" just like porn is, and porn is still made for profit, although it has hurt the industry greatly, profits/incomes have gone way done IIRC.
Not that I'm pro-pedophilia, just felt like arguing this point, quasi-devil's advocate. -
2016-01-01 at 5:44 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionHmm, it's a new year...shit, I hope there isn't some major difference this will make, something I forgot, something to do, that I should/want to do, that will be coming out or changing this year. I'm so detached from life, ordinary reality, and constantly distracted by the data stream, it's possible. No, I doubt it. I mean, there's VR and new pharmaceuticals coming out this year, other stuff as usual, but I didn't forget about that. Nah, I'm pretty sure there was nothing last year either.
Listening to the FIDLAR album after playing that song sploo posted. -
2016-01-01 at 5:05 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition
Oh that youthful energy. Fuck I want that feeling back. Double fuck because I spent my prime youthful years going full Kaczynski instead of putting them to good use. God, I just had such a warped worldview, autistic and maladjusted as hell, undeveloped, improper/skewed development, depressed, disillusioned, alienated, and full of angst. Well, I don't think youthful energy necessarily has to wane over the years. A good strength training regimen, stimulants, some neuroprotectants, drugs to prevent neurodegeneration, maybe an NSI-189 cycle, something for mitochondrial energy, hormonal support etc.In celebration of the New Year here's a video of people mutilating their genitals
http://tinyurl.com/juxkvv2
I trusted you, PoC, and you delivered. I can only imagine how bad something like must be for people that are high empathy and emotion, as opposed to detached and desensitized. -
2016-01-01 at 4:52 AM UTC in Fuck all of you
Ohh man, you got me hyped up for this. Where do I sign up? I hpe TTIP makes it easier to order drugs.
The analogy was about a race car or some shit but fuck that. Just shoot the Nardil right into my brain.
ctr + f germany: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl?post=/babble/20140512/msgs/1066211.html#1066211
Do you have crisis centers? Places people can go to if they're feeling suicidal or severely depressed, something like that. You could lie, use the technique I mentioned, to get it prescribed quickly. I don't think it's available in Germany, so you may have to go to a Belgium pharmacy or have it imported. It would be great for kick starting recovery, getting on the path to improving your life. It really is an incredible drug.
NSI-189 can be affordable too. There's a user on Longecity, Strangelove, who sells it from Greece. Buys it in bulk for discount prices. You can get it as cheaply as $5.5 a gram if you buy 100g from a lab in China and split it with others. A 3 month cycle at the recommended 40mg twice a day only uses about 8g, making it pretty affordable. -
2016-01-01 at 4:13 AM UTC in Being gang stalked /target individualsBill Krozby, listen to me, I am not being malicious when I say this, I'm not saying this to mess with/troll you or any other negative reason. Sometimes I genuinely try to be helpful and assist people, give them advice/information. I am being 100% serious when I say this.
You either have or are developing paranoid schizophrenia. I'm not sure if it's full blown yet, and the levels of severity can vary greatly, but I guarantee you you would qualify for a diagnosis. No one wants to accept something like this, but denying it won't change reality and it will eventually get to the point of disaster if it's left untreated.
Look, you know how they say crazy people don't know they're crazy? This is one of those situations. It's not that bad, it's not at the point where you may be a threat to yourself or others, unless you decide to attack one of the people you think is stalking you, but this is very unhealthy and could become worse, could get to a point where you could hurt yourself or someone else, you may lose control and not realize how bad you've gotten, and could end up in jail or an institution; you don't want that. I know this seems like it makes sense to you, I know you may think that I don't know all the details, that if I was actually there, in your situation, I would agree with you, but I can guarantee you based on what you've written that this is not the case.
Sometimes you need someone else to tell you that you are not okay, to give an external check on your reality and tell you that you believe you're experiencing things that aren't true. You're losing your grip on reality.
Make an appointment with a psychiatrist and tell them this, what you think is happening. They have good options now to treat the symptoms, and the sooner you get help, the better. It's like cancer or really practically any other medical condition, outcomes are much better if caught and treated early: www.mentalhealthdaily.com/2015/09/09/20-new-schizophrenia-medications-in-development-2015/
If you're using any drugs, stop. Cannabis and stimulants in particular can make this much worse. It sucks to have to stop using something you enjoy, I know, but you have to do it for your own good. A bit of alcohol is probably okay, anxiolytics could help, although nothing should be used to the point of abuse, it should be in moderation, or at therapeutic doses.
If you don't believe me, talk to someone you trust, maybe someone in tinychat, someone's who's knowledgeable on this, about what you wrote in the opening post. If you think that everyone's part of some conspiracy against you, that they've been paid off or are just doing it out of spite, take a step back and think about whether this is really realistic, whether it makes sense. Police departments/law enforcement have much more important things to focus on, there's so much more going on that takes up their resources. Ask yourself, realistically, why would they put this much effort, spend this much money hiring so many people, this much time, just to stalk you? Or if not them, why would a random group of people do this? You have not and are not doing anything that would warrant anywhere near this much attention, you are not on anyone's radar.
The severity of something like this usually fluctuates, you're probably going to have moments of lucidity where you feel calmer/less paranoid, more normal and less "out of it" or "off". If you ever feel you're having a good day, take that time to seriously think about what you've said/written and reconsider it, think about whether it really makes sense, how crazy it may really be, think about what I said. Try to see it from another viewpoint, think about it from my perspective and decide whether there's at least a fair chance that I may be right. -
2016-01-01 at 3:01 AM UTC in Are steroids actually bad for you?Download this and read it: http://www.amazon.com/Anabolics-Edit.../dp/0982828004
Not as long as it seems, the latter segment is on information about all the various drugs related to this. If you aren't willing to do the research/reading required then you shouldn't be using them and don't deserve to. -
2015-12-31 at 11:15 AM UTC in Fuck all of you
You might be right, Malice. You've probably messed yourself up. I can't argue with that but I don't think I have to. You know what's up. I know, that you know more than you can communicate. I wish I could give some advice but I don't have anything, lol.
Do you think there's the possibility of a happy end to your story? Don't be dramatic, though.
This is good. Sometimes you just want someone to understand, it's the best thing they could do.
Yes, it's fully possible. I have a plan, a good one. My NSI-189 + Nardil + valproic acid (for neuroplasticity) stack should soon begin (only attaining Nardil is uncertain, but I think I can pull it off), and when combined with intensive therapy, recovery should be greatly accelerated.
Information about Nardil here: https://www.reddit.com/r/Nootropics/comments/3u999j/toward_a_neurology_of_loneliness_the_neurological/cxdau3r
It can really be an incredible antidepressant and anxiolytic when used properly. Life changing, even for the most severe cases. It's highly lauded on socialanxietysupport.com, and for good reason. The reports can be incredible. Like a switch is flipped and one day you wake up feeling the happiest you've ever been, like you've always imagined life should feel like, and it feels surreal, almost as if you've always felt this way.
NSI-189: https://www.reddit.com/r/Nootropics/comments/3vxh8j/nsi189s_phase_1b_clinical_trial_is_over/
Neurogenesis in the hippocampus and amygdala as well. And it seems to be assymetrical, with the sides eliciting positive emotions/behavior effected. The reports are very promising. Regaining emotions, much greater emotional intensity, adult hippocampal neurogenesis is implicated in forgetting, very promising for PTSD, to forget and override traumatic/bad memories of the past, reprogram your behavior/develop new positive habits, move beyond trauma and deficits/disorders, strong anti-depressant effects, improved internal monologue, emotional resilience, reduced intrusive and negative thought (patterns), a feeling reminiscent of a childlike state, where there's more wonder and interest in everything. Likely a few that I missed.
Valproic acid restores neuroplasticity to a juvenile state, reopens the critical period. It may be possible to make up for what I didn't experience in the past. Just one period of intense, fulfilling friendship/social relationships, another focused on passionate love, working on self-improvement during periods alone, developing the habits, skills, for success I missed out on.
Maybe even some P-21 (derived from cerebrolysin) afterward to promote the development of connections between the newly formed neurons. -
2015-12-31 at 9:54 AM UTC in Sorry if anyone needed me...
There are too many gifs in this thread and it's hurting my hodunk hick-tier internet connection.
Damn, how slow is it? I know that feel, it's torture, fortunately I haven't dealt with it in a while. Particularly for someone in tech sector, a programmer and computer science major, affluent in a major metropolitan region, a city like SF, how could you put up with this?
It's a free connection that you hacked, isn't it? Once you taste the alluring nectar of that sweet sweet free internet, free of worries bout caps, charges, piracy violations, legal liability, you just can't go back, can you?
If this is the case, what setup are you using? I'd be surprised if you were being lazy and hadn't optimized by now, I would expect better of you (not of myself, I've been about as dysfunctional as you can get). -
2015-12-31 at 9:47 AM UTC in Fuck all of you
Some niggas spend 10 years in prison on a plea deal. That's kinda how I look at it y'know. The misery you put your self in can be worth something but you have to get over it first. I'm really happy that you were able to take that first step. Amazing. I know how hard it is and you did it on your own. Respect. Now get some other people, joy and love in your life and I'll be real proud of you.
Wrote out a response, but lost it by accidentally closing the tab.
This is different. At least those people had lives before their sentence, even if they were terrible, filled with problems and bad people, they weren't empty and hollow, devoid of relationships. They've done research on monkeys raised in isolation. without mothers. and how it fucks them up, permanently. I am an absolute psychological trainwreck. The last 12 years have been devoid of meaningful human experience, friendships, human warmth, any sense of intimacy or love. I've come to accept that it really fucked me up. There were so many things that contributed to it. I absolutely destroyed myself. And it occurred during such a critical period of development. Who knows what it's done to my brain, how much I can realistically recover. You definitely don't come away from something like this without developing abnormally. Fortunately I did have some friendships, social experience, before that, even if it was shallow and simplistic, before the time relationships gained any real depth. I still remember playing tag in 5th grade, when people just sort of drifted together. I was never social to begin with, predisposed to being melancholy, I remember being alone a lot of the time even as a child. Something in the regions of the brain involved in social behavior must have been profoundly abnormal or malfunctioning. Even then, I never did anything with people outside of school. I never learned to really connect with people, how to make friends, have/maintain relationships, how to love, feel open around other people. I missed out on everything that required other people. I did not understand what an incredible amount of damage I was doing to myself, I did not understand the value and importance of human relationships, for developing properly, flourishing in life.
Even if they seem small, just think about how it molds, develops you as a person. All those countless instances throughout life, all the variations of human experience, the countless hours, day after day, year after year. I missed out on every single one of them, my past is a black hole.
It all seemed mundane, inadequate, not what I wanted. I made myself alone, I isolated and ostracized myself, I refused to reciprocate, closed myself off, to anyone who tried to become friends with me, any girls that showed interest to me, and there were many, many who were attractive, intelligent enough. It wasn't for the usual reasons, abuse, or some traumatic event, blanket statements about people being untrustworthy or bad, feeling suspicious of their motives, paranoia. Part of the problem with intelligence as that it can just make it easier to find a way to convince yourself of things, to dig yourself deeper and deeper into an ideological hole. I just had the most negative mentality possible, I abstracted, deconstructed, and overanalyzed everything into oblivion. Picked everything apart, searched out the flaws, fixated on negativity, consumed by hatred and disillusionment, drained all the meaning and wonder from life. Much of this is just the outcome of spending your entire life inside your own head.
I think I calculated that I averaged less than 10 words a day. I generally did not speak unless necessary, to anyone, even my own family. We really became like strangers living under the same roof, and they noticed as well. I did not engage in small talk, I don't use a strict definition of friend, there weren't even acquaintances, we weren't close with family. You have to understand, this is really the truth: There was nothing, no one, there. From when this began until now.
It wasn't like going to prison, it was like putting yourself in self-imposed solitary confinement. There's a reason some argue it's a human rights violation, at least if used excessively, long-term. There's research about how disastrous, harmful, the effects are. This is why it's used as punishment, as a last resort for the worst offenders.
It was never learning to love that I regret the most and ended up doing the most damage. I literally turned down, flat out ignored or shunned, every opportunity. I was driven by some sort of madness. Why did I do this to myself? Why did I have such a problem with accepting other people? I thought I knew, now I'm not even sure. I'll probably be asking myself that for the rest of my life.
Wrote more about it here, actually: http://niggasin.space/forum/better-living-through-chemistry/67-the-retarded-thread-fuck-§m£ÂgØL-made-one-first-edition?p=51103#post51103
I just did everything wrong, had the worst predispositions and behaviors, for achieving happiness, flourishing/properly developing as a person, attaining a sense of fulfillment:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Happiness-Hypothesis-Finding-Ancient/dp/0465028020
http://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Guide-Developing-Lifes-Important/dp/0316167258
Unfortunately I'm not exaggerating. Unsurprisingly, giving realistic answers, I score near the maximum on symptoms of depression, minimum for fulfillment/satisfaction with life/flourishing and lasting/general happiness. If you read about positive psychology, what creates lasting happiness, I literally did the exact opposite and I was completely rigid and unflexible until the breaking point. Just talking about symptoms I've experienced, things I've noticed about myself, would take an excessive amount of time.
You have no idea just how deep this rabbit hole goes. -
2015-12-31 at 9:08 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionThe happiest man is he who has no trace of malice in his soul. - Plato
Happiness: A Guide to Developing Life's Most Important Skill - Matthieu Ricard
The unhappiest man is me. -
2015-12-31 at 7:05 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition
If you scored over 24, you are in the severely depressed range.
If you scored in the severely depressed range, please seek treatment.
Lol.
Authentic Happiness Inventory
Measures Overall Happiness
Range: 1-5
Score:1.04
General Happiness Scale
Assesses Enduring Happiness
Range: 1-7
Score: 1
PERMA
Measures Flourishing
Scores:
Lonely : 10
N : 8.33
Health : 3.33
A : 0.67
Happy : 0
P : 0
E : 0
M : 0
R : 0
Satisfaction with Life Scale
Measures Life Satisfaction
Range: 5-35
Score: 6
I fucking hate being alive, I don't want to be a part of this goddamn world. Absolute psychological trainwreck. We'll see if a miracle can be pulled off and I'm practically brought back from the dead, or experience life for the first time. -
2015-12-30 at 11:32 AM UTC in Sorry if anyone needed me...
Aren't you one of the guys who was responsible for posting CP all over my beloved forum? Unless you're just taking that fags name.
No! They stole my name. -
2015-12-30 at 11:19 AM UTC in Fuck all of youDude, I totally figured it out. Look through the links and comments, the LSD writing may interest you if you're in the mood for something melancholy and depressing: https://www.reddit.com/r/Nootropics/..._neurological/
https://www.reddit.com/r/Psychonaut/...epression_and/
I really try not to think about what I did to my parents at this point, I already spent countless instances crying about it while in the rumination period of severe depression last year. I wrote about it in the second link, but I finally understood, I understood what I had been unable to experience before, what had been missing in my life, why the world never felt right.
It's a really fucked up situation to be in. Can you imagine how that would haunt you? After the shroom trip that started my depressive spiral, which was actually mild, where I was ruminating on my life. I don't blame it for this, it only brought forth what was beneath the surface, made me realize and accept how unhappy I was, that I would never be happy like this. The shock of just touching that immense abyss gave me depersonalization, for a period I really was just imitating life, doing things robotically. 10 years of self-imposed isolation, coming to realize the reality of everything, just how bad the state your life is in, what could have been, all the people you hurt, the things you missed out on, the questions you can't find good answers to, knowing you'll never fully recover and will have to try to make up for this for the rest of your life, have the potential you could have had, still wondering whether you even want to be a part of this godforsaken world, fulfill the needs of the species you were born into with no choice, everything you dislike about life and human nature, other people, the flaws of life, limits of communication, questions of what it all amounts to, the futility of such a limited and finite life, the nature or reality, of consciousness and the continuity of it, the sense of self, a fixation on coming to terms with death like a person who's in the end of life stages. It all has to come crashing down eventually.
If you missed my posts in TRT, I'm actually meeting with a psychiatrist in about a month and plan to be put into intensive rehabilitation/therapy, with the most powerful antidepressants available. Nardil (wonder drug, posted some info in the comments of the first link), NSI-189, valproic acid (restores neuroplasticity to a juvenile state). It's a brilliant combination to greatly accelerate recovery. I don't think I'm too far gone. I still had emotions at some point in my life, was able to socialize. I even felt love, or at least infatuation, for a period of a month. I later decided they weren't the right person for me, and I wasn't in a state where I could really have had a relationship anyway.
I was a mess, and it would have been awkward for some time, but I wonder how different things would have been if xannex hadn't canceled the road trip idea after I posted my plans to hitchhike across the US, as a test for myself. I'm not sure if I would have gone through with it if it had been for her. I was too far along into my plan to quit when she cancelled, and I think I just lost my main motivation for the idea, any sense of purpose. I really enjoyed talking to her, she was the only person I felt I could really relate to, found interesting, enjoyed to talking to; at the time it was genuinely platonic. Even afterward we stayed e-friends, she confided in me, once told me I was the only who really understood her, a member named Virus told me he was tired of her complaining to him about me, that I had ruined the only chance for a relationship I could have had. Another user, an older woman (early 30s, xannex was early-mid 20s) who was roommates with her for a period when she moved to Florida seemed to think there was more to our relationship than I thought there was. I'm not sure how she may have felt about me, but I was really a terrible a friend. I think I just felt repeatedly abandoned, had become jaded over the years, unable or unwilling, immensely resistant to opening my heart to anyone. Why did I push everyone away and make myself needlessly suffer? I ended up hurting myself most of all. Beneath everything I ended just being someone who was left feeling very alone, empty, disillusioned, alienated, wounded and damaged, with a broken heart.
I was wrong. I couldn't live without other people. Life wasn't worth living without them. I'm going to regret this for the rest of my life. I'll never get those years of my life back.