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Posts by Malice
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2016-01-08 at 3:19 AM UTC in I had sex with a chopoGet a goddamn vasectomy, you idiots.
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2016-01-07 at 11:07 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionLanny, contrary to what you may have heard, it is not hip to be square. The pleasures of conformity and importance of trends (social conventions) are not worth having an inner sense of self as dry as yours.
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2016-01-07 at 8:10 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionWhat would you do if you realized you had been blacking out, with large gaps in your memory of long periods during certain days, and by chance came across a pile of clothes with what looked like massive dried bloodstains hidden somewhere in your apartment in a place where normally you'd never look?
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2016-01-07 at 7:28 AM UTC in I am the only person in the world who enjoys serotonin syndrome.You should become a case study, sploo.
I wonder what your baseline state would be without any medication. "A study of a zero serotonin male and its effect on his behavior". -
2016-01-07 at 6:55 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionMeditative thoughts of the day:
Life has its flaws. It's not a game without challenges.
There is creation and life occurring all around us, we are never alone.
Learn to properly meditate and do it while listening to gentle rain, behind a screen door, on a balcony, or porch, some place suitable. It is a very nice reprieve from negative emotional states, for when you feel you need to clear your mind, let go of stress or ruminating thoughts.
I wonder if it would be enjoyable to wear goggles and swim trunks in an area where it rains during warm days, just laying on the ground looking up at the sky while on a psychedelic.And now I'm waiting for may, hyped but jesus that's a ways out
I read the shipping date was late March. May have been pushed back, though. Did they give you May as an estimated date when you preordered? Woah, it says June now, they must really have been overwhelmed: https://shop.oculus.com/en-us/cart/
Hmm, exclusive games, though. I don't like that, particularly with the prior stated commitment to open platforms, but I haven't read arguments from the other position to be certain.
Price was really disappointing, way above what they had suggested before. Especially for people outside the US:
>$914 Canadian without taxes, shipping, or border fees. I'm out.
And it's without the Touch controllers.
Fuck these niggers. I'd need therapy and to reverse my severe anhedonia and other symptoms of depression first to really enjoy it anyway, I'm waiting until the VR industry is much better developed. There's also the issue of content. I want to see what other products come out, how the price and amount of and quality of content change: http://www.digitaltrends.com/virtual-reality/oculus-rift-vs-htc-vive/Malice is the therapy going well.
It hasn't started. Appointment with psych was rescheduled to later this month.Malice your singing is beautiful. Keep up the good work.
Shut up, §m£ÂgØL, you know that was sploo. Fucking monkey boy. -
2016-01-07 at 5:47 AM UTC in I am the only person in the world who enjoys serotonin syndrome.What if your receptors have become so desensitized, damaged, downregulated, and and destroyed, your baseline level of serotonin so reduced, that you've actually become immune to serotonin syndrome and it's more like the effect you get from MDMA, except without everything else?
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2016-01-07 at 5:39 AM UTC in I might not have marfans^ Submit it to r/creepy with a creative title and story.
In fact, the same should be done with some of The Duke's pics. -
2016-01-06 at 9:56 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionOculus preorders opening today, in a few hours. Possible to cancel, so if the Vive turns out to seem more appealing (heard something about a possible big reveal the same day), you could always switch.
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2016-01-06 at 8:18 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition
I hope that you eventually find happiness in your life.
I realized something. I entered The Void, The Abyss. I literally lost everything, destroyed myself, the potential I had in life, any sense of connection to the world. My mind became blank, I lost hopes and desires, interest in life, the sense of who I was. I was close to the peak of depression, alienation, isolation, detachment, discontentedness, and disillusionment. I'm not exaggerating, the reality became so much worse than what could be conveyed by text. I drove myself into an ideological black hole, over a decade nearly devoid of warmth, human connection, intimacy, meaningful human relationships and experience. The world, existence, felt about as bad as it could; I wasn't exaggerating when I repeatedly stated my desire for suicide, the cessation of suffering, I was teetering on the verge, it genuinely felt unbearable to continue.
If I can make it through this, by comparison, even small joys may seem like heaven. Gratitude. I want to transform myself, take the advice of some Buddhist ideologies seriously and change the habits of my mind. I literally did the exact opposite of what was recommended and learned the art of suffering, a form of suffering through deprivation. It could always have been worse, I could have been put in a concentration camp, although even those people still had connections and found some meaning in their life. I came to an understanding of how some hermits were able to attain a state of continuous ecstasy in isolation, nirvana. There's bound to be a strong genetic component, predispositions/traits that cause some to have aptitude for this, possibly make it impossible for others. The first step is to foster the ability to feel meaningful connection and openness to others, the world around yourself. This is why Asperger's has the worst rate of suicidal ideation and attempts, comorbidities, even worse than psychosis, due to the importance of this for happiness: http://psychcentral.com/news/2014/10/13/suicidal-thoughts-10-times-more-likely-in-adults-with-aspergers/76016.html
If I can recover and change enough, as lofty a goal as it may seem, I may even aim for attaining a form of enlightenment, a state of duality where I am still able to contain the emotions and desires needed, and utilize them when needed for acts of necessary destruction/harm, such as crime for my own benefit. I wonder if it's something that has ever been attained before.
Probably not going to happen, but even in my state, I can at least meditate. -
2016-01-06 at 6:15 AM UTC in Anyone here ever had a bad day?Every day of my life.
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2016-01-06 at 6:13 AM UTC in Sorry if anyone needed me...
http://vocaroo.com/i/s12Q1Q1iEfZS
Zoidberg?
Or:
Mr. Burns: Ahoy-hoy?
Homer: (Speaking through a kazoo) Hello, Mr. Burns. This is the kidnapper. Do you miss your son?
Mr. Burns: Yes, I'm missing one son. Return it immediately!
Homer: If you really love Larry, prove it, and you can have him back today.
Mr. Burns: Oh, how much proof do you need? 5,000? 6,000? I swear, that's all I've got.
Homer: Don't you care about your son? This is more important than money.
Mr. Burns: More important than money? Who is this?
Homer: Uh... (Panics, loses control of the phone) Just a second.
If that were actually arnox then I would make sweet passionate love to xir repeatedly. "come on babe, come ride the dragon"
Fucking pedo. At your age? It doesn't matter how old she actually is/was in that picture, this is like watching imitation child porn and claiming you aren't a pedo because they're only attempting to replicate the appearance of a pre-pubescent girl. You actually had that saved after all these years, what a creep. Typical comp-sci major programmer. This is what you're all really like beneath the surface. Not only that, but you're in finance and in San Francisco? It wouldn't surprise me if you used that filthy tech money to hire underage Southeast Asian hookers forced into sex slavery by human traffickers.
No, I'm not serious. You've shown a tendency to respond as if you aren't aware of my intentions. She's adorable. <3 -
2016-01-05 at 1:34 PM UTC in Fuck all of youI can't, after everything that's happened. We weren't a real family to begin with. God, my father, he never hit me, but I can see that I likely inherited some of my worst traits from him. He was just so incredibly negative and it made him so unpleasant to be around, a toxic presence. At his age, he's likely too far gone, I just hope he'll find his peace in death. I remember him saying once, while talking to my godfather, that he didn't care if he died after his children were old enough to be on their own.
What would I tell them? That I was severely mentally unwell and destroyed myself? That I don't think I can ever be a real son to them?
If I manage to find happiness and peace, success, I'd like to let them know. For now, I wish I had faked my death. Hopefully they assumed I died and my memory faded with time, although without certainty, not knowing what happened to your child, why they disappeared without warning, whether they loved you, never having been able to connect with them and understand who they are, is part of why it felt so painful for me to reflect on what I did. That's not the environment I need. I need to some day be able to create my own family. Not in the traditional sense of a wife and children, but a group of true of friends, possibly be able to open my heart and love someone, if I can recover to that point, make something of myself where I feel I would deserve the kind of person I would want in my life. -
2016-01-05 at 1:22 PM UTC in Niggasin.space the hardcore punk songHahaha! Sploo, you actually managed to disturb Roshambo's dad. The person that has put up with a lifetime of the Roshambo experience, living in the same house as him. Think about that.
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2016-01-05 at 7:11 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition
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2016-01-05 at 5:37 AM UTC in Fuck all of you
Malice, write your mom a letter. Do it. You can still fix your life and it's real easy. You just need a hug. It's literally that simple.
God I fucking feel guilty about what I did to them. I mean...fuck... It's one of things I ruminated on so much, replayed in my mind over and over, part of what made me feel unforgivable and want to commit suicide. It would take hours to fully explain this, to make sense of why everything occurred. My autistic symptoms were much more pronounced in the past, and I just had the worst psychological profile, there were so many things that contributed to this. Asking why I did some of the things I did would be like asking someone with severe OCD why they feel compelled to do certain things, or someone with psychosis why they did something insane; I was severely mentally ill and should have been put in therapy and given medication. Not in a typical sense, I wasn't delusional, didn't have schizophrenic symptoms, but I did not understand the value and importance of human relationships, I did not understand what an incredible amount of damage I was doing to myself, my life. I just ended up thinking myself into an ideological black hole. I just developed this insane resistance to opening up to other people, accepting the need for them; I completely closed myself off.
It was a shroom trip that brought this to the surface, how unhappy I was, that I would never be happy like this. It was mild, just the depressive introspection and lowered inhibition of repressed themes. Just realizing that this idea you've had of attempting to live without other people, which had gone on for over a decade, the state you were in, how alone you really were, how I had made myself alone, and it was all a waste, I'd had the wrong ideas about life. I panicked and the shock was enough to cause depersonalization/derealization. That was the start of a depressive spiral triggering a boost in empathy, rumination, introspection (it fits the evolutionary theory behind depression). Unfortunately the more I thought and read the more I realized just how bad things were, more things that led to suffering were uncovered (the more knowledge, the more pain, the more wisdom, the more suffering).
I inadvertently greatly reduced my symptoms of autism (Asperger's) through my goal of attaining maximum self-improvement, short of anything that requires other people. If I had to guess what did it, I would say I had likely been suffering from chronic neuroinflammation caused by genuine food sensitivities, possibly other issues. Along with nootropics, some having a strong beneficial effect, it got to the point where I realized why the world had never felt right, what had been missing. It was the human element. My description of what autism is like, and the severity varies, is that it's like being trapped within yourself, your own autistic/extremely introverted bubble. That sense of connection to others, to the world around you, the feeling of empathy, emotional coloring of the world. That's what had been missing, what other people felt that I didn't, what made life worth living and brought so much joy to other people. Just realizing you completely missed out on this, missed out on life, that you never developed properly during such a critical period in life and now you're unsure if you'll ever be able to properly recover, to what extent you may be able to. Can you imagine what that feels like? You suddenly realize everything you missed out on, how different your life could have been, how you made the people who tried to reach out to you feel? After leaving my parents my ability to feel compassion,empathy, really had been purposefully erased, but my attempts to shield myself from the pain in life, dependence, also destroyed by ability to experience the joy that I was unaware of, unwilling to accept the need for others; it had been erased to the point where I genuinely never thought or felt anything for them until the breaking point, which took about 5 years after leaving. Then you're no longer able to run away from your own thoughts, to close off your emotions, suddenly you understand how you made them, how different things could have been, you realize that they did care about you, you were just so trapped in your own autistic bubble you didn't really realize it, fully understand it, you were fixated on negativity and pushing everyone away, closing yourself off; you think of all these moments and understand how a parent must feel when their child is like this, when they do something like this.
Over a decade devoid of human warmth, of meaningful human experience. Every depressive symptom at the maximum, my ability to experience pleasure, any positive emotion, emotion in general, destroyed, and then you've driven yourself to literally nothing and suddenly it all hits you? Can you imagine what that does to you?
This is what I regret the most, and there's more to it. Everything just felt so overwhelming and insurmountable, over a decade of essentially psychologically torturing yourself, making yourself as miserable as possible, completely unaccomplished and unfulfilled. I had just developed the most negative mentality possible. Reading the books Happiness: a Guide to Developing Life's Most Important Skill and The Happiness Hypothesis: Finding Modern Truth in Ancient Wisdom, related to the subject of positive psychology, I literally did the exact opposite of what was recommended for achieving happiness. I would describe this as the outcome of attempting to live an inhuman life in a human body. I'm still bound by biological reality, limitations, just like everyone else, and if you're going against eons of evolution you're probably going to lose. A constant state of rumination, negative fixation, on all aspects of human existence. Such an extreme systemizer you see humans and human society as the most complex system of all, you even systemize yourself, your own life. This fixation on deconstruction and analyzation, on philosophical and existential concepts, draining all the meaning out of everything, only exacerbating your profound sense of disillusionment, detachment, alienation, and isolation.
Absolute psychological trainwreck. I really did destroy myself, did an unbelievable amount of damage to myself and my life. I was really attempting to come to terms with death like someone in the end of life stages. Of course suicide seemed like a preferable option at this point. God, I really was the type who just couldn't stop thinking and just enjoy life. I mean, what can I say? It happened, this is the position I'm in. -
2016-01-05 at 4:01 AM UTC in I might not have marfans
I'd be dead
or is this death
considering most of my life is niggasin.space
this is what its like to be dead
I'd describe my life as being similar to what I imagine limbo would be like. A state of living death. -
2016-01-05 at 3:09 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionNice to hear things are going well. Hopefully the streak continues, you seem to have a history of things going wrong, disaster/bad luck just coming out of nowhere, people in your life having a negative influence and ruining things for you.
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2016-01-04 at 11:46 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionHydro, you should get to know him. Find a way to reach him again and ask for contact information outside of work, learn more about him, and if he's the one (and single), you can help him get his green card and move in with you in the US.
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2016-01-04 at 8:28 AM UTC in I might not have marfansWhy? Are you just speculating or is there another reason?
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2016-01-04 at 1:35 AM UTC in Sorry if anyone needed me...
Nah, they seem more interested in insulting my intelligence. Bestest community ever.
EDIT: Looked it up on Google. Looks like some scripting is required to automate saving every page of the thread. Which I don't know how to do. So unless someone decides to actually be helpful, there's nothing I can do right now to save such a massive thread.
Lanny maybe willing to help. Possibly sophie too. Even if they seem like they've been/have been dicks, they may do it just out of care for saving/preserving a major part of the community's history. Although, Lanny may be too busy, sohie may have time and possibly the skills, but I don't know if he cares enough (you wouldn't really be helping Arnox sophie, as in improving some aspect of his life, the purpose would be to what I mentioned above).
Unfortunately people are dicks. I don't know the entire story, I've never been involved in the (behind the scenes) realtionships/relational dymanics and drama, the politics and inner workings, of any of the communities, but it doesn't seem like you deserve the hate. People are just dicks to each other, sometimes for fun. I was that way to am extreme extent at times. Not in the sense of constantly hounding other people, just sharp spikes in my behavior, explosions of malice, where I would psychologically tear someone to shreds who didn't really deserve it. Why? Maybe I was just deeply wounded, damaged, and lashing out. Nearly everyone else who acts like this probably has deep seated problems as well.
I'm also on the autism spectrum, btw. My traits used to be much more pronounced, I managed to greatly reduce the severity within the last 4 years. Looking back through life, I was really overwhelmingly sensitive to negativity, and still am, it seemed to be my innate disposition and social isolation/ostracism, anxiety, possibly some aspects of autism, only made it worse. It was a key part of what led to a vicious spiral that did an enormous amount of damage to my life.