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Posts by CASPER
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2019-03-12 at 5:20 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Malice Metro EditionOkay here's my thingie, for anyone else who'd like to contribute.
Thanks
3M3yUryicZbrvaTzbmg1HfdmHqwyZ6LJZq -
2019-03-12 at 5:07 PM UTC in hey friends, im ready tro kill myselfIf I post a picture of my penis, will you reconsider?
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2019-03-12 at 5:03 PM UTC in How are you feeling at the moment..
Originally posted by Methuselah Why does he automatically deserve happiness? Maybe he’s a fuckin terrible person, u don’t know
True dat. I could be a good actor. Actually, tbh I'd be a pretty fantastic actor.
That said, if you were going through some shit, I'd still be a fag and give a shit, because if you're here, we probably share at least a few things in common.
That's not to say I'm "going through some shit". The thing with the friends is just kind of strange. I'd like to think that they're all just low IQ junkies and that I was just better at doing what I did, but the truth is a lot of it is luck, and we rarely stop to think about the major life changing implications of some of our small, every day choices.
As for malice and my step- grandpa, Dennis...I guess they tie together in my head. I just found out they're not going to have a service for Dennis either. He was always such a fucking stand up guy. I found a letter ina box of stuff that I should try to copy here if I can. Basically, he wrote a hand written note to my mom when she was 25 or so, essentially asking permission to marry my grandma. He explained that he wasn't the reason that my grandma and grandpa broke up, but that he'd grown up with my grandma, and loved her since he was 20. He wanted to spend what time they had left together, and he wanted to make sure that my mom knew he cared for all of them.
I mean who does that anymore?
The man had scars on his fingertips from picking cotton in Corpus Christi since he was 7. Whenever someone in the community got sick, or wasn't doing well, he'd drive them to chemo or take them to lunch. I wasn't even his blood relative, but he sent me money for my good report cards, and sent me cassettes of him reading books on tape, since we were so far apart across the county. Used to take me golfing with all the old guys when I'd go visit. The Bandits they were called - a bunch of old boys and veterans. He'd let me drive the golf cart...taught me to stand still and throw corn to feed the deer. The old guys would drink beer and pee along the cart path, scare off the lady golfers. Lol.
He was just an all around good man. And he walked two miles every day. And then he had a stroke and was bed ridden. And then my grandma lost her mind to dementia and started yelling at him and mistreating him. And now he's dead. And I didn't get to visit for the last 15 years. And how they're not even going to have a fucking memorial service, while all his blood relatives fight over his bonds and inheritance.
It just doesn't seem right for anyone to put in that much time and energy, and for there to be nothing left. -
2019-03-12 at 4:13 PM UTC in What are you doing at the momentSmoking some CBD weed. Getting ready for work. About to take my methadone. Might cheat And only take half the dose bc I hate feeling so zonked out. Feel like working out, but I did arms yesterday, and I don't have anything to do legs/cardio. Reading up on guidelines for visitation to Tehatchapee Correctional.
Feel like a couple of xanax honestly. I need a long drive and a blowjob. -
2019-03-12 at 4:08 PM UTC in How are you feeling at the moment..Still better than most days, although tbh this Malice shit put a serious fucking damper on my week. That and my step-grandpa dying. And finding out that all the friends I can't get ahold of are in jail awaiting trial on serious charges.
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2019-03-12 at 4:07 PM UTC in When your appetite is being suppressed by psychostimulants...Zanick you fuck.
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2019-03-12 at 4:02 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Malice Metro Edition
Originally posted by GGG Tempted to write a song about malice now. I was just thinking, "What rhymes with phenobarbital?"
Malice, man
took that diclazepam
why thank you ma'am
afghanistan
"...bought vials of mexi nembutal
Said "down the hatch!" And
"Fuck it all!"
I sure just wish the fag had called
Before he caught that bus
Because for all he whinged and cried
And sure as he was that when he died
The world would be so better off
He still was one of us -
2019-03-12 at 3:58 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Malice Metro Edition
Originally posted by MORALLY SUPERIOR BEING V: A Cat-Girl/Boy Under Every Bed Why in my screenshot is Malice1 posting on the 28th of June 2018 but on LA County Coroner's Office his date of death is down as the 15 June 2018?
Bc like I said- that screenshot wasn't him. He didn't have anything wrong with his feet.
I'll post everything when the docs arrive. If you're anything like me, you'll get that same pit of your stomach feeling I did. I'm not into conspiracy theories and shit. It's him. There's not a single doubt in my mind. -
2019-03-12 at 3:55 PM UTC in Where is the line between being a junkie and not?Yeah I think it was when I started buying a couple grams at a time so I could pinch a point or two off one of them and sell it. When your drug use is lapping you, and you have to struggle to find ways to keep up with it (concocting lies to throw off family /friends, driving uber after work just to pay for your daily habit, etc)
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2019-03-12 at 3:48 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Malice Metro Edition
Originally posted by GGG Alright I sent you 10.
I hope malice would've felt at least some joy or pride in the fact that people cared enough to think about him this long. It's sad, but I think we'll miss him more than his family ever did. They didn't seem to treat him very well at any point in his life.
Goddamn though.
Yeah. That's the part that I think gets me the most. I can't find an obituary...,a funeral service....a grave site. It's like he was never here to begin with. He had all these people reaching out to him. I figured he'd at least want to see what normal interactions/life could be like.
I always imagined doing a documentary about totse and all the offshoots. It's our shitty little niche site, but when you think about it like I said- he's really just a proxy for those millions of people with severe social and mental health issues. From the sounds of it, he was on a ton of different antidepressants, but they never seemed to do much. Imagine if he'd channeled all that brain power to doing anything constructive? He could've been a fantastic columnist or political commentator.
Idk. I guess it feels like he died years ago. But he promised he'd meet up for a couple of days. Idk how I could've been more accommodating. I wonder if he thought I'd talk him out of it? Part of me admires his resolve, but the rest is just...ugh. My life sucked for such a long time. And most days I didn't even feel like trying to change anything. I just wanted to get high and go to sleep, and wake up and maybe something would be different. But finally I realized "if you're serious about killing yourself, wouldn't it make sense to try other things first?"
I GET suicide. No one should feel trapped. But he actually had a ton of positive qualities that he just hadn't cultivated. His suicide just feels lazy. Out of all my friends who died, even though I never met him face to face, I almost feel more for him because we were so much alike in so many ways. I think there's a ton of projection too. It makes me sad to think that if something happened to me, or I died in my sleep- it wouldn't be much different. My mom wouldn't be able to afford to bury me ( even if interrment is kinda stupid and selfish). It's almost impossible to find picture s of me online. I barely just started talking to old friends. All my closest friends are dead or in jail. Didn't go to school. Didn't get married. No significant other.
It just feels so strange for someone to be here for so long, and spend all those days on this planet, and all those conversations and all the reading and debating. And pictures of your dick next to your cat. And then there's just 40 or 50 assorted weirdos on the internet who even had an inkling you existed, and only one of them even known your real name...and he had to pay money to dig it up after the fact from your coroners report.
Idk. -
2019-03-12 at 3:30 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Malice Metro Edition
Originally posted by Octavian What's all these monies being transferred for again?
No one has to, but I figured y'all might want to. When I figured out it was actually Malice yesterday, I ordered the full investigation/ coroners report from the Los Angeles medical examiners office. Sounds gay, but I feel like this whole thing needs some closure.
I'm seriously entertaining the thought of trying to set up some obscure little memorial thing. Doesn't seem right to just leave nothing behind. I can't even find a single picture or social media post. -
2019-03-12 at 3:11 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Malice Metro EditionSo you have to give them a verifiable photo of your drivers license and last 4 of social, etc, to receive on coinbase now?
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2019-03-12 at 2:45 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Malice Metro EditionIt might be from Square. As far as I know, only the company has my bank records which have my actual info.
Yeah $smerk310
Going to make a new btc wallet while I'm at work. -
2019-03-12 at 1:43 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Malice Metro Edition
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2019-03-12 at 1:41 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Malice Metro EditionI'm back.
Originally posted by DietPiano Woulda added heroin if it were me. He was pretty gung go about not wanting to try it tho for some reason.
He asked me a ton of times to send him H/fent. But for obvious reasons I wasn't trying to do that. Then I agreed to do it if we met in person, and he never mentioned it again. -
2019-03-11 at 10:53 AM UTC in When your appetite is being suppressed by psychostimulants...
Originally posted by Grylls so your body just threw all the negative effects at you and no euphoria
I mean I might've slept through the euphoria. I still jerked off like 25 times in that 3 day span (which is totally uncharacteristic of me), so there was something going on, but if I could've chosen to press a button and make it stop at any time, I def would've.
User was banned for saying the taboo phrase "button"! -
2019-03-11 at 10:50 AM UTC in BDSMShe was also into suspensions and bondage, but not any of the comfortable stuff you'd buy at a sex shop. She liked this really scratchy, awful hemp rope that I found somewhere. She'd want to have her wrists bound and have her arms yanked up while I had sex with her, and sometimes she'd masturbate with the rope....like pussy flossing rofl. She was such a sweet girl but she was 110 kinds of fucked up.
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2019-03-11 at 10:46 AM UTC in BDSMI would've said I was very "vanilla", until I met a girl who wanted me to choke her, burn her with cigarettes, hold knives to her neck, (unloaded) guns to her head. I still can't do any of that without permission and feel good about it, but ever since then, whenever I'm talking with or dating a girl and she does something to make me angry, there's this little voice in my head. I was raised by a woman and always deferred to women, so I'm sure it's some psychological thing to do with "embracing your masculinity" or something. But this girl would very obviously do things to try to get a rise out of me, because I'm so laid back and easygoing. Idk if she had some kind of trauma or it was just a kink, but she seemed to like knowing that I could seriously hurt or kill her at any moment. Was def not something that was natural for me to get into, but it definitely flipped a couple switches.
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2019-03-11 at 10:38 AM UTC in BDSMLittle do you know, I'm ABBOD
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2019-03-11 at 10:30 AM UTC in When your appetite is being suppressed by psychostimulants...
Originally posted by Grylls must have had a delayed reaction for some reason, we’re you already high recently or tired?
I was dead tired. The combo of the methadone I'm on and my thyroid thing leaves me completely drained most days. Like I wake up and I'm already exhausted. Can't wait to get on some meds to fix this dogshit. But yeah it was so uncomfortable. Pretty much everything I remember hating about stims. Tachycardia, sweating, muscle spasms, grinding jaw, irritation, anxiousness, inability to unwind.
