Casper, youre right, Malice was right. Im dumb. I thought my exhusband was different than he is. Im stupid. So fucking stupid. I dont live in a barn, I live in a run down trailer in the middle of east bumfuck- its actually worse than a barn full of dog shit. Worse part of this whole situation is: it didnt have to be like this. My exhusband created this shit hole. I had pently of fence, plenty of wire to run electic fence, a hotwire box… Everything to mKe a happy place for the animals we had. I held a job through my pregnancy up until I could no longer deal with the mental bullshit anymore. He left me in such a fucked situation with this baby and moved across the country after stealing all the money I had and most of my valuables. He did this after my grandmother left because he knew the gravy train was over and has since done jack shit to help my situation. I dont want his help because hes threatened to take custody and if thats real or false, I cant risk my son being raised by him. Hes getting exactly what he wants, off the hook. he is the one who talked me into this baby. He is the one who wanted to be a father to this child. In actualality, he was using this child to chain me to him forever- he didnt realize I wouldnt stand to have my baby treated like he treated me everyday. Then instead of manning up, he did what he and his fathers fathers before him did, stole, ran far the fuck away and make threats. Karma is a bitch, he will get his in the long run. He shit on me and my family for a decade and I was too stupid to see it. in my defense, not that it matters much but my husband for all thebshit he was, was a very persasive person, he could sell ice to eskamoes. if hed not beennsuch a piece of shit, he could have done good things with his life. §m£ÂgØL kept me going this far with promises that shit would be better, that hed always be my friend. I know he has mental problems, but I see now actually how bad they are. He atleast has a supportive family though and thats what my son needs. Or he can place him for adoption- thatll be his choice once all this shit is done and over with. Ive heard so many times about 'flesh and blood' and doing whats right for him- he can make the hard decisons once this time. Im done trying to preserve a friendship, trying to build a life worth something, or better myself- its impossible. Im just trying to minimize damage to my child. §m£ÂgØLs family is well off and maybe for once he should have a little responsibility in his life or at least make that heart wrenching choice of giving this sweet, beautiful child up for adoption. At least he wont be raised by a rapist and a pedophile though- for all the horrible shit that can be said about me and Im not disagreeing with any of it, or your opinions of me (for the most part, they are correct, save for a few irrelevent facts) Ive atleast done that one, small amount of good for this baby by keeping going long enough to get him off the birth certificate and unable to influence my childs life. i am so sorry this has had to happen to my child- I have hope for him though, hes 8 months, talking, walking and able to understand basic instructions (when he grabs my hair, I say 'no, let go' and he responds by smiling and letting go). Maybe I am a fucked up person, maybe §m£ÂgØL is a fucked up person but through all this I pray to whatever Gods may be that my child shines through this clusterfuck and goes on to do great things and I have hope he will- he is an exceptional baby and exceptionally smart and developing way faster than he should be. People dont usually use the word patient to deacribe a child, much less an infant, but he truely is as patient of a baby as they come and Id have lost my mind way before now had he not been such an easy, calm and patient child. I hope he forgives me as an adult for what I brought him into, but I dont expect that. I just hold out hope that his life can be more than mine, his fathers or anyone in this fucked up mess and he can overcome al this horrible shit, because if he can, I know he will go on to do great and wonderful things in life- if he can overcome this start in life, I truely believe with the right guidance he will be somebody who does important and good work for humanity. either way, I hope he justs finds happiness and contentment in life that I couldnt. I hope he is smarter than either his parents, and wise enough to see people like my exhusbamd for what they are: manipulators, users, leeches. If he can be happy in life, he will have made me proud.
1. I dont think youre a bad person. You seem to be somewhat intelligent with geuine empathy- which is rare in a lot of people these days. I just dont understand how in the everloving fuck any of you thought havving a child was an informed, reasonable choice to make, considering your life at that point. Two people who are economically not well off, living in unsafe, bordering decrepit living condfitions, lack of consistent utilities, lack of steady income, lack of support, with a biological father who was a dude met on a website full of retards, aspies and junkies who came to take drugs, swim in the creek and lose his virginity to a married stranger. From the sounds of it, I would be better equipped to raise a child, and I am a bagillion times over not ready to raise a child. I just dont...I dont fucking get it. It didnt need to be this way.
(Also- §m£ÂgØL in a dress and lipstick looks like one of those Afghan Dancing Boys. Short any other employment, at least he knows he'll always have a fallback)
2. Im curious how you know all this stuff about your husband now. If this actually happened, why would he have any chance in hell of having custody of the kid? Cant you have him locked up? Cant you take him to court for stealinbg your shit. If there was ever a time to snitch, it sounds like it should be on this guy. And like I said- if youre so set on offing yourself, why not take him with you? Then you know your kid is safe.
3. You dont necessarily need to either keep the kid or give him up. Im not sure, but Im pretty sure there are a lot of situations where when the parents arent able to care for the child, the state can foster them temporarily until youre able to get your shit together. Why not do that? The child is yougn enough that it really wont remember a lot of what goes on.Youve spent the most important time after birth bonding. A year or 18 months wouldnt scar the child or leave it traumatized and dysfunctional. Its worth thinking about.
4. Start aGo Fund Me account or something. Some nigger bitch started one a couple months ago because she spent her life savings on lottery tickets and wanted more money to buy more lottery tickets. Worth a shot.
5. §m£ÂgØL probably could use some responsibility in his life, and I dont know what his thoughts and wants were at the time he found out about the pregnancy, but especially if he advised not keeping the child, it seems kind of fucked up to drop a kid in his lap like that. Then again, he is a little prick sometimes, and part of me just wants to grab the popcorn and sit down to watch that thing unfold like some shitty 90's Michael Keaton movie. *MJ popcorn GIF*
6.You could kill yourself, yes. But really, that solves zero. All it does ispass the problems off to someone else, and guarantees nothing will change for you. There arent a lot of people that care the way you do. Seems pretty stupid to put that to waste. Your heart doesnt have to stop beating for you to be dead. You can be dead spiritually. You can choose to be dead. You can decide that your body, your energy- no longer belong to you. You can find an at least temporary situation for the child and then put your energy stubbornly into doing good.My life is pretty shitty too. I have herniated discs in my back and back spams. My bnlood pressure is shit. My hair is turning white and falling out. Im a junkie. I have no friends, really. I havent gotten laid in like asoldi 2, 3 years. But im not unhappy. Couldnt say why. But I work at the shelter and the needle exchange...and I drive around at night bringing clothes and food, towels blackets, razors, shampoo, socks, etc- to people that need it. It means Instead of focusing on all the way s my life is fucked and all the choices I made and everything I ruined, all the things I can never get back- its not about me anymore. Im just a conduit. And at some point I may still choose to kill myself. I think its a valid choice to make. No one should have to drudge through an unhappy existence if there really is no hope of relief. But if Im helping one person even a little bit, then my being here is a positive. Its almost egotistical to think that your childs life will be better if you die. Your childs life and the world at large would continue being the same way it is, long after youre gone. Realistically,, the only thing your death is likely to do is give your kid and excuse to rebel and be angry and make bad choices and fuck up therir life on purpose. While youre here though, you can fix it. Bullets dont go bad and pills will kill you long after their expiration date, so theres no reason not to give things a go. If the kid is only 8 months, youve hardly given it a chance.
E: Lol. I just had a vision flash through my head of Single Dad §m£ÂgØL.In a ratty pink floyd bathrobe, kind of fat, sweaty oscar isaac lookin guy. Wannabe cool-dad. Hes smoking a cigarette watching X-Factor. Theres three weeks worthg of fast food boxes and empty 2 liters and a fleshlight on the coffee table.Theres a persistent thumping. "DAMNIT DYLAN STOP KICKING THE WALL!" he yells up from the couch. The kid screams back "FUCK YOU MAKE ME YOU PUSSY. YOURE PROLLY NOT EVEN MY REAL DAD." §m£ÂgØL mutters under his breath "Oh if only..... DON'T YOU TALK TOME THAT WAY DYLAN. YOU HAVE TILL THE COUNT OF THREE TO STOP IT". "FUCK YOU YOU BROKE BISEXUAL PIECE OF SHIT". "DAMNIT DYLAN DONT YOU TALK TO.....aw fuck it...." *Goes back to chain smoking and scratching his chubby latin chode-dick*
