Rationally, thats now i feel. But ive gotten pretty good at pulling back the layers of "what i feel" to get a glimpse at what it is i REALLY feel. And im just not good at bonding with people. The only way i ever did that was through substances, or by acting like a fucking thug and doing some shit that could land us both in prison. Neither methos was always particularly effective, but the prospect of never having that "thing" anymore just feels weird. Maybe thatll change with time.
Drinking isnt exactly my thing, but was talking to sponsor about clean time and shit (still havent told him about the methadone. I kinda hoped id be able to kick the shit before i had to talk about it), and it seems like drinking is still a big no-no. Idc if i dont get to drink once every few months or even once a year, but i have to say, i feel kinda uncomfortable at the prospect of never being able to just do "normal" stuff again. Like when ive met Zoklet/ TOTSE people - or just new friends in general- the "thing" that you do is go out and get some beers, play pool. Or on the anniversay of a friends death, we'd go out and do shots at his gravesite. I dont even really like alcohol, so i dont know why it feels like a loss. But it feels like theres something in the ...ceremony (?) of drinking, that i wouldnt feel the same if i was sitting there drinking cranberry juice.
But then again my brain is fucked up. idk. I guess technically the whole experience of being sober is about me, but ironically, i also feel guilty hiding things from everyone whos been super supportive, and for whom alcohol geuinely was a problem. I barely have 7 months out of the last 13 NOt using heroin, so i clearly dont know a lot about sobriety, but i like to think i know myself pretty well.
My goal is not to wake up every day for the rest of my life, and meditate like a monk on my sobriety, and what it means to bve an addict. My goal is to slowly build back my body and spirit, and take enough time away from those habits, that I wake up every morning and barely remember that any of this ever happened. To be so far removed from all that guilt and anger and violence and shame and depression, that it just seems like a bad dream i had once a long time ago. For some people, it seems like being an addict is the defining feature of their lives. Thats just not for me, but if i were to tell that to some of them, itd feel kind of like a betrayal.
Originally posted by Octavian
Eat out, enjoy yourself Casper.
I really wanted meditteranean food like chicken kebabs and shit, but i got Panda Express bc im still a cheap jedi that saw that Panda had free delivery , so i saved $4. Compromise. lol.
Everything seems like yesterday to me. Or more accurately...2006 feels like 2 oe 3 years ago. When youre doing fuckall, it all just runs together. I wish i could explain to high school kids how much life speeds up as soon as you graduate. Its weird thinking about the cute curly haired blonde chick that used to touch my hands and ask how big my dick was and giggle as i had a spastic fucking panic attack...is now rotting in a box somewhere in inglewood. And the friends i took mushrooms with and stared at the stars with and drove screaming through the desert with in a ford exploder someone stole from their uncles garage...are either halfway across the world in the middle of their careers, or working on their 2nd or third child, or in prison, etc.
Just got back from NA meeting. I shared even though i get anxious. Talked about how i feel like im good bc i dont want to get high, but all the same behaviors- like selling shit to make money- are still there. Ive been all depressed and out of it all week and i dont know why. I just feel like dogshit. The persona i had to crerate to exist on the street is just nothing like me, but i still have to shred all the distrust, aggression, anxiety that came with being that person. Spent a couple hours talking with my sponsor beforehand, doing the stepwork shit. Now im home and im debating whether to get postmates or not bc i feel like some real food but the only thing in the fridge is white rice and lentils and tabasco, and i dont really feel like eating the same thing 3 days in a row.
Man id love a steady supply of something i could microdose with.Theres only one rainbow family nigga i trust to get all my stuff from, and hes been hard to get ahold of when i dont have a car. Might take you up on that offer. Is there any way to grow them outside? Ive only ever heard of indoor cultivation.
Originally posted by CandyRein
Im commenting because it’s a thread with my name
You said yesterday you didn’t care about any of this lol
Post=\= care.
The entire premise of "social media" is that you're engaging with all the minutiae that really doesn't matter worth a fuck. Like people posting IG pics of their croissandwich.
This is my croissandwich.
It's like being able to talk about The Game without losing it.
Why is this a thing? I lean towards wrens assessment, but I'm befuddled as to why anyone gives a fuck what pretty anonymous people do on a little Internet forum. If that means catfishinv each other for a decade- cool. If that means meeting up and moving in together- cool. If that means talking online....cool. Why does anyone care about anything? Matt is moving towards being a top tier meta troll.
If he's anything like me (and he sounds a whole lot like me), I'm guessing he's still around. Prolly just got self conscious and didn't want to be melodramatic about it. I get the feeling he doesn't want to die- he's just tired of the bullshit. I've wanted to seriously kill myself at least 10-15 times in my life, but there's always that nagging little voice that's like "But what if tomorrow was the day that everything changed?" Sure lil voice. That's TOTALLY likely. Faggot.
Anyway...my chips are on that he's still alive. Guessing he went to the hospital or something, and will be back in a few days or a couple weeks. That's just my feeling tho.
But if he died without sending me that beautiful Steyr, I will curse his damnable soul for all eternity.
I assumed it was bc equatorial countries have less seasonal variation. Therefore, countries farther from the equator would require more forethought and planning to have food year round, etc.
Originally posted by Jiggaboo_Johnson
Juicebox, if you are still alive, post a list of the losers and moochers who sent you their paypal account information so we can see who the vampires are.
I did.
I mean I have contingencies set aside for if and when i kill myself, so my family and people i know get my stuff. Someone in here is going to get my Steam account, at least until Steam decides to deactivate it for some reason.
If someones decided to kill themselves, why wouldnt they give away their shit?
