User Controls
Posts by CASPER
-
2019-05-31 at 3:19 AM UTC in deepdotweb.com seized
-
2019-05-31 at 2:54 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Malice Metro Edition
Originally posted by DietYellow Everyone is nice to Hydromorphone because she's charming and nice.
mmq- Don't jump in front of trains. Go get a job you actually like.
CASPER- 12 steps is not about coming to know God, it's meant to teach you the coping mechanism of lying to yourself that you don't have control over your life and that you need to do what God (((other people))) tell you to do because you can't make your own decisions because you are "powerless" Protip: Nothing could be further from the truth. The truth is that NOTHING has power over you except you. The truth is that whether you like it or not, only you have the power to stay sober or not. If you are powerless over your addiction, then who drug your ass to NA? Who made the decision for you to get sober? Obviously not you because you're powerless, right?
Look, 12 steps is a cult, but it's a useful cult. It keeps millions of people sober. If praying to the prophet Bill W who died to save your sins is what keeps you in line, then you need to do that. I don't care for any of that shit, but I do find AA/NA meetings invaluable. Without it, idk where I would be. The most important thing is to keep going to a room full of people who have similar problems, lines of thinking, and experiences as you, and to talk to them.
But CASPER, I recommend either SMART recovery, or better yet Refuge recovery, which is Buddhist based. I've been to both, and both are very solid. You will probably have to be comfortable meditating for some period of time for Refuge, as the one I went to started with a 20 or 30 minute mediation. SMART recovery has a really good workbook that I have, and I'm looking to get the Refuge book which looks even better. That's what my counselor uses even though Hazelden is 12 step only.
Thats pretty much exactly how i feel. I want to observe, practically, how people have made their lives better. Not better in a "i no longer suck dick for crack" sense, but in a "I was homeless in my car shitting in a home depot bucket, and now i live in West LA selling overpriced Kombucha" sense. I want to know HOW. I can see how 12 steps would be super helpful for someone who is just not super cognizant of their thought processes, but im just constantly evaluating what I think and say and do. I constantly examine my motivations and whether im doing something out of necessity or impulse. I dont doubt ill stay sober (as long as my brain doesnt go all batshit when i get off methadone), but i want to do WELL.
Im not sure what i thought they would provide for me. I guess maybe i was just lonely and wanted to get out of the house. I completey accept the fact that it could be my junkie brain trying to make exceptions for myself bc "im special and i should still be able to get high occasionally", but im pretty sure thats not it.
SMART Recovery sounds right up my alley. Unfortunately, the nearest one is like 20 min away and the NA meeting is right across the street. -
2019-05-31 at 2:48 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Malice Metro Edition
-
2019-05-30 at 4:36 AM UTC in deepdotweb.com seized
-
2019-05-30 at 3:12 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Malice Metro Edition
Originally posted by itybit Can you not just cut consumption to what you want without the AA/NA?
Not really. Some people can i guess, but heroin is just not generally a moderation thing. Not t mention i ended up hating the nod. Do a little shot and smoke a couple trails, and wake up slumped over on the edge of my bed with Netflix rolling credits on the same episode of LIVE PD that ive rewinded 15 or 20 times already. Stretch and take out a chunk of china white heroin, use my cheese grater to grind off a little pile. Take you decent sized rails and my eyes start fluttering. I fall forward and knock over my PS4. I put it back on the cabinet and sit back down. I wake up 3 hours later with the sun coming up.
Its just such a fucking waste. I get NOTHING out of it anymore.
Maybe i could moderate, but right now i dont even WANT drugs. Its not even a struggle. As nice as it would be o "indulge", im not sure id ever get back into the headspace where i am now. Its like risking a 20% chance you develop mild schizophrenia each time you get high.
I really just wanted someone to show me how to piece your life back together- but really i never had a life to begin with. I really kind of just wanted it for advice and support, and a roadmap to a life id want to be living, but now im coming up on these ittle speed bumps -
2019-05-30 at 3:03 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Malice Metro Edition
Originally posted by Narc this is the same with detox clinics, its all black or white, abstinence or sobriety. personally i've done fine for 10 year now just using smack as an occasional treat. this idea that you can never use without turning into a mindless junkie instantly is bullshit war on drugs thinking. its all about how you look at it. you leave school having been programmed to think that if you use drugs you'll be totally dependent on them, and so you get totally dependent on them. you expect only that happens and it happens, its inevitable. however you train your mind to see it as a treat, like going to a movie or a ball game would be. you wouldn't spend 24/7 at the theater, you get me? its no different to alcohol, many, in fact most people drink perfectly responsibly because of how they see alcohol and how they fit it into their lives. its just about management is all.
.
I mean thats kinda how i feel. Not about the heroin part. Like i know for a fact ill never do heroin again. Ill never do coke or speed again. The only thing ill ever do again if i have the choice is weed, MDMA, and mushrooms/acid/dmt and alcohol. Heroin is just such a fucking dead end. I think thats what finally did it for me. I was just getting nowhere.
By that same token though, It kinda throws a wrench in the whole works if thats my plan, and if thats the case, i either way to lie to everyone in the group and my sponsor, or just drop out. -
2019-05-30 at 2:59 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Malice Metro Edition
Originally posted by CountBlah 12 steppers are real big on the whole give it to god thing. I know you're a pragmatic dude who can thing and reason for himself. MY best advice is go along to get along. It's good you've realized and are working on your issues. Best advice I can give is take one day at a time with it. I mean shit if you're through withdrawls and all that you bout got it beat.
i haven't had any dope in a few days and the hole sweating and not being able to hold down food thing is getting bad. Been trying to sleep it off.
Well im on methadone, so the withdrawals probably havent even started yet. or i guess technnically I have mild withdrawals like thusday-monday bc thats when i get my take-homes and i only take half the dose so i feel fucking drained and awful.
So im like 25% less depressed than i was a year ago, but i feel a lot more stressed, way more broke, and not having near as much fun. -
2019-05-30 at 2:47 AM UTC in Torque multiplier factoryWow cool beans, faggot
-
2019-05-30 at 2:46 AM UTC in deepdotweb.com seized
Originally posted by -SpectraL Links are purely informational, like putting out a newspaper. Has nothing to do with any conspiracy to sell narcotics.
If youre getting paid for directing people to a drug dealer, thats kind of exactly what that is. You dont have to handle the drugs or the money. If you are instrumental in marketing drugs TO people, they can pin you for conspiracy. -
2019-05-29 at 7:34 PM UTC in deepdotweb.com seizedYeah Spectbrah, pretty sure conspiracy to distribute narcotics has been down in the books for a while now.
-
2019-05-29 at 7:25 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Malice Metro Edition
Originally posted by Narc i take it your talking abount the coordinator, or the main dude at the meet? if so i bet he's seen it all before. just tell him, don't worry about it. afair you don't have to be clean to attend NA anyway.
plus he should know as well as anyone that pushing somebody to abstinance who isn't ready is pointless.
.
Yeah im talking about my sponsor. I have to call him once a day and we meet once or twice a week. I guess what i want is sobriety, but not necessarily abstinence. To him though- and a lot of other people in the 12 steps programs in particular- it seems like you cant have one without the other. -
2019-05-29 at 4:42 PM UTC in deepdotweb.com seized
-
2019-05-29 at 4:40 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Malice Metro Edition
Originally posted by Octavian I know how you must feel and it gives me inspiration as I start sobriety fully.
I think the biggest part is filling that void. I'm a sociable person so being able to be around people who are drinking and not drink myself would be fucking HARD. I'm filling my void with fitness, reading and doing normal shit like outings to museums, restaurants etc. I shouldn't complain cause NO MORE HANGOVERS/ANXIETY/DEPRESSION/HOLE IN POCKET.
I can also drive wherever the fuck I want, when I want. I'm looking into going swinger clubs as well for the sheer lulz factor.
Yeah im not NOT sociable. Generally im pretty quiet and stuff. At a party im never doing anything that would make me the center of attention, but im mixing drinks for people, or chopping up lines for folks at the dining room table, or asking where the flour is so i can make everyone pancakes....just generally trying to be friendly. I dont care if i never get drunk again, but being the person at a bar or party whos not drinking at all....its just kind of weird. People start asking you "whats wrong? Arent you having a good time? " and shit. lol.
Originally posted by Narc hanging with a bunch of junkies and talking about drugs and shit never worked for me either.
you know plenty about sobriety tho bro. you were doing it for long enough before you hit the durgs. you just gotta relearn it is all. the worst thing to do is get clean and go jumping straight into the deep end of life. take it slow, there's no rush. learn to enjoy simple things and be patient. then just take a step here and a step there as and when you're ready.
.
Yeah i mean its cool to have a group of people to be around. Even though i hate sharing and it creates massive anxiety for me. And im the same way....even in the meetings, they seem waaaay too normal for me. They all seem like working-class drug addicts. They all had lives and stuff. I mean for 15 years i wasnt addicted, but my life was pretty objectively shit, even then. Ive been depressed since i was like...10? Ive only ever had a couple friends tops at one time. Im going to try to stick with it- although im not sure how im going to navigate it bc he wants me to decide my "clean date", and i havent even told him about the methadone. If he wasnt stoked on the CBD, i think that ones going to be a hard sell rofl.
Originally posted by Sudo Casper you need fulfillment. When I would go to NA people would always say they had difficulty with the higher power aspect but that was always the easiest obstacle for me. Actually sitting in a church basement listening to fake weird people I couldn't imagine using drugs with talking about their lives and weird perspectives is what bothered me. I would usually gravitate towards the most tattooed guys or skankiest most desperate girls and the nice older white people would talk to me afterwards with concern in their voice.
Doing the steps helps a lot with introspection which helps with filling the void. NA is good practice and part of a good lifestyle in early recovery. Yes, many aspects of it are both inauthentic as well as brimming with homosexuality but there is still benefit to be obtained if you keep an open mind.
I just dont want to put in a year to this weird culty thing and then bail out and lose that social structure and shit. If im going to bail, id rather just bail now, you know?
There is a lot of gay though. Ive never had so many deep, prolonged, heavy-breathing man hugs in my whole life. Im surprised no one has cupped by balls. A little disappointed, too tbh. :(
Originally posted by Common De-mominator You know, as for the"higher power" thing, the idea is supposed to be that you surrender yourself towards something rather than making the decisions towards the same malfunctioning core that got you into NA in the first place.
There's something bigger than you that matters to you, to have the courage to break through your personal boundaries for. It could be anything. You could do it for love, because you want to be the person you would want your SO to be with. That could be your guiding principle, above being the person who acts for themselves at their base.
I get that. Its just....im not good wrapping my head around it. Maybe bc I was raised in christian science. I always assumed there was a higher power, but it never did shit for me. And what if my higher power wants me to get yoked on steroids and oil myself to reflect the glory of the sun? What if my higher power wants me to fuck as many loose women as possible to help realign my femininity and masculinity? What if my higher power doesnt want surrender but complete, unquestioning commitment? Maybe its the same thing. Idk.
If anything, my higher power is the Universal Mind. The magnetism we feel to reach out to or help people we dont even know. Empathy. The light that causes you to sometimes take action at detriment to yourself for the greater good. The first night i went to the meeting, i mentioned that i do homeless outreach stuff, and since i dont have a car now, if anyone wanted to drive me around and help me, id buy all the stuff. *crickets*
I suppose its just easier to sit around and talk about surrender and shit tho. Idk. -
2019-05-29 at 12:59 PM UTC in What are you doing at the momentEating yogurt. Woke up prematurely after 4 hours after falling asleep with all the lights on...again. Probably part of why i feel so fucking exhausted every day. Looking up alternatives to NA.Got my counselling appointment in a few hours.
-
2019-05-29 at 12:38 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Malice Metro EditionI'm thinking NA might not be my thing, but I'm going to try to hang in there- bc I know a ton about addiction but not so much about sobriety. But my sponsor seems to be doing well and it's worked super well for him. And I u derstand that a huge part of the hole you fill with drugs is like....a spiritual lacking. But 1) I'm an atheist and the idea of "surrendering to God" is fucking weird. I understand that it's supposed to mean something else, but I just don't believe that throwing my hands up and allowing the Universe or whatever to just "mold" me into a better person is going to work. That's what I did with heroin. "Whatever happens happens, and I'm powerless to do anything about that". That's exactly why I wasted 13 years. Passivity. I need to learn not to hand over control, but to fight intelligently. That Bruce lee shit...channel that energy. Exist in the flow. Adapt.
Maybe I don't understand. And I'm reluctant to mention this to my sponsor bc he already thinks the things I'm writing are trying to sound impressive and Intellectual (I'm absolutely not that's just how the writing comes from my head), and I also don't want to seem combative. And bc I'm on methadone which I don't consider sober, but I do consider it a necessary step at least for me- to legit sobriety.
And anyone who's been in tinybltc knows drinking isn't my thing- like at all. I can count the number of times I've been seriously drunk in there on two hands. And I only drink like twice or 3 times a year. For me, drinking especially with new acquaintance she is kind of a bonding ritual. The same when we all go to my friends grave every July 24th and take a shot of Irish whiskey. I get that it's a minor thing and they'd probably understand, and it's not like I'd feel pressured...but just those little quiet moments and rituals...I'd still like to be able to take part in that without being like "I REALLY SHOULDNT BE HERE GUYS RESPECT MY SOBRIETY IM KINDA TRIGGER RITE NOW TBH". Apparently as long as I plan on ever drinking again, I can't go past step 3 bc I haven't "surrendered fully".
Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! I just want to be fucking normal. I don't want to be one of these mopey faggots. Feels like a cult sometimes. I just want something good to pour myself into that I can feel complete and proud, and I want to wake up in ten years and have to be reminded I was a junkie. I want to take my prescribed medication and improve my health and smoke weed every couple of weeks when my back pain or depression get really bad....without feeling super guilty about it, or like I've got this deep shameful secret like there's a dead hooker under my floorboards.
I hate all this shit.
And then I told him about the weird customer guy at my word who keeps writing these awful "pilots" for different shows he's created. There's one about an "android/ genetic modification babby" . There's one about global warming. There's one about an Alien jedi comedian. There's one about a robot who runs for president. A game show where the contestants try to beat addiction . And just generally it's awful. So I mention I had to run myself off an extra copy to read at home bc it was so hilarious. And he starts "Well did he give you permission to do that?" And in my head I'm just like "fuuuuuuck me". I'm kind of a dick. That's my thing. I'm just as critical of myself as I am of everyone else. I get that this dudes wife died and now he spends his time shitting out awful screenplays. But it's still hilarious. And I don't see anything wrong with having a chuckle, as long as he doesn't get hurt as a result.
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm just a dick. But I don't ever want to have a stick that far up my ass unless it's a condition of me cumming in someone's throat afterwards.
Idk.ugh. -
2019-05-29 at 12:14 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Malice Metro Edition
-
2019-05-28 at 6:04 PM UTC in Bill Krozby is retarded threadI have to know where the wiliam bill Bill Krozbyby by country club is located
-
2019-05-28 at 5:59 PM UTC in Bill Krozby is retarded threadI bite tenderly
-
2019-05-28 at 5:57 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Malice Metro Edition
Originally posted by Octavian You seen "Enemy at the gates"?
Yeah but not for a while.
Originally posted by CountBlah I offered her pay off on it. It's currently at her sons house as I guess she figured I'd steal it from her house and do have documents supporting my possession would be legal. She's basically left it out of the estate to avoid paying it off and allowing her to funnel money from the estate to herself.
Why not just call the sherrifs dept and have them turn up to the house with you to take lawful possession?
If she doesn't, or lies to the officers and tells them its not on the premises, she'll be digging herself deeper, i imagine. -
2019-05-28 at 5:55 PM UTC in Bill Krozby is retarded threadIll bite. What swanky part of town do you live in, William Bill Bill Krozby by?
