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Thanked Posts by Malice
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2017-05-08 at 5:32 AM UTC in teh retraded thred herppppp slober fuk glum editshinOh, thank god, Bella's alive. I hadn't seen in her a few days and was worried. A few days ago I was feeding little guy, her son, and I heard what sounded like a cat fighting a dog over the fence to the right and saw him run off in that direction. Feral cats form packs and protect each other. Or maybe it was a relative of his. There was also a time where I saw her before that walking off along a path where she may have crossed the road and heard a car hit something small (sensory hypersensitivity). Worried it may have been her, but I didn't want to check because I knew it would bother be too much if she had died in this state and I told myself I would just assume she had found a new home, or gotten lost or something. Dammit, that was really selfish, even if she had been hit she could still have been taken to a vet, but I wouldn't be able to afford it, and as a stray she probably wouldn't have survived with a injury afterward.
Bad news, was trying to call Ash, and checked around, and saw Bella around the corner of my place under the neighbor's car with a kitten that looks a few weeks old. Fuuuuuuck, Bella had another baby. I didn't think it would happen so soon. I think the father may have been this really beta/dominant (although not in an aggressive way, more regal, like a warrior-king) black tomcat I saw around the area. She may have 2 or 3 other babies around the area.
She used to come with little guy, but some time ago I noticed they started coming separately. He must have been weaned and is living on his own now, although they still seem friendly toward each other.
Bella's gotten pretty accustomed to me. There are some programs where you can rent a humane trap and take them to get spayed or neutered, but you have to put down a deposit and pay for the procedure, which I can't afford right now. Going to ask in r/asksf if anyone knows of any free programs that can assist me.
Feral cats live pretty poor and dangerous lives, they tend to die young. Although fortunately the weather in the bay area is nice and there are a fair amount of people that leave out food for them out of the kindness of their hearts.
Bella is a really pretty cat, and I think she's only semi-feral due to her behavior. She never seemed as afraid as a fully feral cat that had never been acclimatized to people during the critical period as a kitten. I'm sure she could easily find a good home.
New pics of her and little guy. Bella has a really nice fluffy tail, which is most apparent when she's standing, and the different coloration is so kawaii:
Hey, if I ever end up dying, one of you better track them down and take care of my cats. Maybe I'll use a deadman's switch program I came across that automatically sends a message after a certain time if you don't respond to an email within a certain period.
Post last edited by Malice at 2017-05-08T06:18:56.303144+00:00
Post last edited by Malice at 2017-05-08T06:19:36.479190+00:00The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2017-05-06 at 8:10 PM UTC in teh retraded thred herppppp slober fuk glum editshinMy visual perception helped me notice an elderly man had dropped some paperwork and something seemed wrong. Helped a blind person, one good deed done. Hmm, then again, superior moral character would be shown by not bragging. I suppose it just feels good to help people and see them appreciate it.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!
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2017-05-06 at 1:36 PM UTC in teh retraded thred herppppp slober fuk glum editshinSevere depression is no joke. Once you experience the real thing you may never look at it the same way again, look down on people going through it or belittle their problems. It’s scary as hell the way it can end up making you feel and act.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!
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2017-05-05 at 1:12 AM UTC in teh retraded thred herppppp slober fuk glum editshinThinking about bringing a jazz cigarette to smoke beforehand and heading out to see Your Name in a bit.
Oh, and I also thought of a new way to deny beggars/street kids in Berkeley and SF, tell them, "Sorry, I'm an objectivist/worship Ayn Rand." You could get some hilarious reactions particularly depending on the way you look.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2017-05-06 at 1:56 AM UTC in teh retraded thred herppppp slober fuk glum editshinNew style I played around with before the buzz cut (took your advice 1337) (btw, I look horrible in a buzzcut, it's so degrading. I look like a fucking cholo). What do you think? Just did it for fun, dressing like a freak is a proud San Franciscan tradition. I did it myself and the only prior experience I had was giving myself a really basic haircut once a month, so it's rough. Shit's hard to do by yourself.
It's gone now, I don't like drawing attention to myself and don't have the personality to match at all. Just wanted to save it in case I decided to try some variation of the mohawk in the future. Everyone has different aesthetic taste, but I think it has potential.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2017-05-05 at 6:08 PM UTC in teh retraded thred herppppp slober fuk glum editshin
Originally posted by SCronaldo_J_Trump 3 weeks later
Hey guys I just got out of the hospital , when they found me I was attempting an optical resolution of cis trans isomers of various kava analogs using a paper clip and a razor blade and I could see the crystal structure with my bare eyes but then I started foaming at the mouth and flopping around on the floor spitting blood and shit out of my body and crying in misery because I missed a single dose of a Chinese cuck stack and went into hydromorphone tier withdrawals.
Now I am going to write a post criticizing you all for being degenerate scumbags.
Nope, still here, and I’m feeling better. Of course you have to be careful due to how redonculously long the half life is. Still, I’ve taken them long enough and have enough of a feel to walk the fine line.
Normally doubling your memantine dose would fuck you up pretty good, but on this situation it makes perfect sense.
Why do you foolish mortals doubt me.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2017-05-04 at 10:06 PM UTC in Just got out of the ERThanks for sharing Zanick. On Zoklet I always had the image of you as well off guy, if somewhat elitist, who was on a track to a good life in the medical field. I'm not sure if I missed some of your posts while I was there because I mostly posted in The Retarded Thread, a fair amount of people spent most of their time there, but after reading this and some other posts you've made it's obvious you've suffered immensely.
You should look into Nardil, it's the #1 medication I want to get back on. Fucking last bitch took me off such a powerful drug cold turkey. The long half life rapidly diminishes in a few days, she called it a "tapering effect". I swear, unless I can intimidate and dominate them or seduce/charm/manipulate them I'd prefer to never meet with another female psychiatrist again. Had brain zaps and it was after that that I began developing agoraphobia and anthropophobia to such an extreme extent.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2017-05-02 at 9:41 AM UTC in Just got out of the ERWhen I first set out I was actually on buying more alcohol and prolonging things, but somewhere along the path I was finally pushed over the edge.
What spurred me was the serious risk of epilepsy due to having been self-medicating alcohol anxiety that had become so severe I was drinking a liter of brandy and about 3 liters of wine a day. (IIIRC Debonaire_Death drank himself to the point where he developed cirrhosis and still has to spend a lot of time dealing with. Poor Guacamole, MisterY's partner and friend in Ceretropic, ended up dying because he mixed benzos and alcohol, and I wonder if the insomnia to that degree was from anxious he was, willing to risk death just to get some sleep, was he so tormented by his thoughts to the extent that they led to this. Essentially hitting rock bottom. I knew when I walked in I was going to tell them about my other severe issues.
Suicidal depression, hikikomori and going into detail, unmanaged symptoms of autism, various things that had happened in life, having been undiagnosed with a severe case of Asperger's at 19 (I fell through the cracks, it was glaringly apparent, but it didn't happen and I suppose looking at things from this perspective, the lashing out I engaged in was clearly because of it), and how that ended up being one of the most damaging things in my life, I never received anything for it even after the diagnosis, having had no friends in 14 years due to what's now practically PTSD, the poor family to the point where my neglectful parent only stayed together out of a sense of obligation, having been seriously considering divorce during at least on period, I pretty much lost my parents when I was 13 and literally don't have any family at this point that I can fall back on, explaining how severe my depression and anxiety had essentially gotten to the point where I was just locked, the final days were just being spent in bed doing absolutely nothing etc
It was actually what I needed, and I wasn't involuntarily committed or in a psychward, although I did state that I would have been okay with hospitalization. A guard did have to be in sight of me, but that merely entails them being in line site sitting casually, usually just playing on their phone, doing paperwork. They gave me Ativan and phenobarbital via IV along with bags of saline for hydration, and was hooked to an ECG as well.
It reminds of the anime Welcome to the NHK. Once you actually break out it's so obvious that everything was in your head, and now you're completely alone in the world and will have to grapple with these issues for the rest of your life.
Oh god, my life is so fucking sad. I just want to go to bed to continue breaking down crying and I don't even have a cat to give me some semblance of company. For about the past three years the only person who's pretty much ever contacted my had been my landlord, I've literally never spoken to anyone so I sure as hell don't have anyone now.
At least things may finally be changing. Unfortunately I had to hit rock bottom and will have to rebuild my and my life from such a fucked position to be in.
Post last edited by Malice at 2017-05-02T09:43:57.899087+00:00The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2017-05-04 at 6:17 AM UTC in teh retraded thred herppppp slober fuk glum editshin
Originally posted by RestStop Malice…out of all the nootropics which were the most effective? Which ones would be in your top 3?
This one: https://www.reddit.com/r/DrugNerds/comments/59w1zg/longterm_treatment_with_low_doses_of/?st=j2a0lvas&sh=92741f55
https://www.reddit.com/r/DrugNerds/search?q=methamphetamine&sort=new&restrict_sr=on
I also managed to achieve this effect from PRL-8-53 through experimentation, the strongest nootropic effect I've seen to date. Hopefully PRL-8-147, which is even more promising, and it may be produced one day, the papers by the creator may have been found.
https://www.reddit.com/r/Nootropics/comments/32070y/prl853_rectal_and_intranasal_report_massive_gains/?st=j2a0p0xl&sh=4fbc5dc9
The effects were so far beyond the range of human ability, which you can tell by analyzing the picture I posted, that there's bound to be something special that should be researched.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2017-05-03 at 7:11 PM UTC in Just got out of the ERAlso, went to Walmart for the first time in god knows how long to fill my prescription. Made an effort to say high to people. Was walking around waiting to pick them up, went to the electronic section at some point, after buying some things for the feral cats I've been taking care of and trying to get to trust and get used to people so one day they can go to a good home. The person at the cashier section had two bottles of cough syrup, and asked me, "The red one or the blue one" because of my hair and the way I was dressed, with a business style blazer, sunglasses, and my new haircut (Wasn't going for The Matrix, tbh). Mind went blank and I chose blue for some reason without a witty response (Would have said: Blue for now, I want to wait until Elon Musk saves us all and we merge with general intelligence. That red world looked pretty bad.)
At the cashier I made a joke/small talk for the first time in my life. It was small cute Asian girl, seemed like she wasn't born in the US (I don't judge).
After placing all the other items, including the ones for the cats I made a silly joke by holding up these two:
And saying, "Hey look, one for them and one for me."
She laughed and said "How cute."The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2017-05-04 at 1:24 AM UTC in Just got out of the ER
Originally posted by Bill Krozby yet you and malice judge people on lives they've never experienced. Who'd of thunk?
Bill Krozby, if there's anyone here who deserves to be judged, it's you. I really don't know what to say to you. There's a reason nearly everyone here dislikes you. You need to engage in some serious introspection and come to terms with why that is.
Post last edited by Malice at 2017-05-04T01:39:20.999248+00:00The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2017-05-03 at 9:17 AM UTC in Just got out of the ER
Originally posted by SCronaldo_J_Trump Thats what you get for taking shitty RCs like tpain and nsi89 and god knows what else.
I do bundy, meth, cannabis and drink beer and I work every day. When I watched NHK I was on heroin at the crack shack but I never even thought about going to the hospital unless it was to pretend to be a junkie and get more opiates
Scron, you are not okay. Many people here aren't.
RisiR, you need to start seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist. Let go of the past.
Lanny, I think you should consider that your alcoholism could have an underlying issue, even if you're well off in some ways. I honestly didn't realize I was severely depressed until I reached the breaking point. Before 5 years, and some of you may remember how much I used to joke on Zoklet before lapsing into severe depression, I would constantly joke in TRT, write about the countless ideas I had, things I was researching/had an interest in, these enormous well researched walls of text, but even then I wasn't really happy and still incredibly damaged, then breaking point happened and I had a mental breakdown, followed by nothing but everything there is to be sad about in life and a stream of thoughts of suicide.
Phoenix, it's so obvious you aren't okay at all and on some level you know that if you remain on this path things will never change. I know why you want that sense of connection in TinyChat, people to talk to, but it isn't the same. You need people IRL, even a psychiatrist and psychologist, although it may take a bit of time to find one that's a good match for you, and that's normal. Don't get discouraged and give up like I did.
Number13, you had a mental breakdown and became a hiki like me at a considerably younger age, so of course you need similar health.
The Duke, if you're still alive, I hope you made it past your severe alcoholism. It was literally killing you.
Anyone I missed: Even if you're still clinging to this site, it's because it's the only sense of community you had, a place long ago where you felt you truly belonged. If you're spending an inordinate amount of time on here or other places trying to fill the need for people in your life, you're incredibly lonely and need to make a change before things get to this point. We didn't evolve to be alone, we need each other, and there are good people out there.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2017-05-03 at 8:52 AM UTC in Just got out of the ERTook another visit. I hadn't slept in days before going in the first time, got out at midnight, couldn't sleep until around dawn, then passed out until 10 PM, when all the pharmacies were closed or closing after searching for ones nearby, their hours, and checking how long it would take to get there. Instead of panicking and resorting to alcohol, even contacting Lanny and begging to meet up near, I just went to the ER and told them what had happened and everything was fine. I got another IV of fluid and shots of Ativan, which just make me feel closer to what normal must feel like. Chilled for a few hours on my phone while someone checked my vitals once a while and gave me a new shot.
Before this I was a hikikomori, had such severe untreated anxiety, been in a state of suicidal depression for the past three years after a mental breakdown and everything that had occurred before that, had absolutely no one in my life during that period, become agoraphic and anthropophobic to the point where I would barely go outside, have literally gone a month without stepping foot out multiple times, probably said less than ten a month only when going outside out of necessity, such as "thank you" to cashiers, or the process of depositing rent into my landlord's account, a barely audible "thanks" at the grocery store while wearing sunglasses and averting eye contact, all the countless things that I dwelt on in my mind, all alone with nothing but my thought.
This is hikikomori to the core. But I made it, I know I've broken though and I feel like crying out of happiness in longer than anyone should.
I finally made it and I can't wait to see how good it gets from here and what's out there in the world. It's like being freed from prison for over 10 years.
As is traditional in animeland, the ceremonial cutting of the hair. I've wanted to try a Taxi Driver style look since I saw the film years ago, although it's closer to Chu from Yu Yu Hakusho in style, not I have the courage to pull it off and try something different than the same standard hairstyle I'd had for years.
Some people have invisible disabilities, no matter what they look like on the outside or even how they often come across online you have no idea what they've gone through and are going through. Be excellent to each other, it's the past path toward happiness and fulfillment in life.
If anyone is going through something similar, eventually you can make it too. Don't be afraid to ask for help, to accept you need others.
I made it, I survived, and everything's going to be okay now.
Omedetou
The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2017-05-03 at 6:59 PM UTC in Just got out of the ER
Originally posted by Sophie You cannot possibly know how other people experience life.
I'd highly recommend the webcomic "Adventures In Depression" by Hyperbole and a Half. It's a fun read, and the webcomic is famous, this 2 part series is considered by even professionals as one of the most accurate depictions of what severe depression is like available. It destroys your ability to function, radically alters the way you perceive the world, and kills critical aspects of your humanity.
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html
Think of all the members of our community that have died in various ways. You may have considered some of them friends. What had they experienced, what were they going through during the time leading up to that to cause them to die?
Originally posted by Phoenix I mean you're not wrong, but whatever. 4 suicide attempts in the last year. I'll succeed eventually. I don't really like TinyChat anymore. Later this week I might be going to see a movie with a friendo I met while I was homeless. I dunno. Psychiatrists and psychologists would be resources better used on people more damaged and more willing to accept help… it'd be selfish to waste their time.
Phoenix, listen to me, this is 100% exactly the kind of attempts at rationalization that people who are severely depressed and suicidal use. To the point. I've read so much it's as clear as day. You have to ask for help, there's no going back from death and you'd feel differently if you did and worked through this. It wasn't scary or degrading for me once I broke through and made that final step. With the right treatment within only a month you can see a remarkable difference.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2017-05-03 at 10:09 AM UTC in Just got out of the ERI am, I broke through. I'm still severely depressed and will need to be on medication for the rest of my life, which I'm okay with, we're all dependant on something to live and popping pills a few times a day isn't even nearly as intensive as having to eat, but the worst part is over. I don't think I'll ever become this bad again, and if I feel like I'm starting to, I'll ask for help.
It's finally behind me, and even though I'll need years to fully recover, everything's going to be okay now. Even my bloodwork came back fine, thank god. I can move forward.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2017-05-03 at 8:24 AM UTC in teh retraded thred herppppp slober fuk glum editshin
Originally posted by Discount Whore Malice, let me compile all of your posts into a book. We'll split the profits 30/30 and use the extra 40 to buy you hookers.
I actually would like to have my posts compiled so I can some day write the two main papers I'm interested in writing.
Lanny, do you remember this paper?
https://reddit.com/r/Nootropics/comments/2u5vgt/is_serotonin_an_upper_or_a_downer_the_evolution/?st=j28pe4bw&sh=e7d9a9d8
I remember you saying that in a way depression/melancholy was like a super power, but the trade off was depressing.
There was also an interesting one in the same line found on GABA and memory (hypermemory and Asperger's). Due to insufficient synaptic pruning people with autism generally have around 40% more synapses and neural activity than normies.
Essentially, what I'm postulating, is that effective treatment could considerably reduce some of the cognitive traits that put me at the extreme end of human ability, but allow me to function better and be happier.
It's so interesting, during those last few days, or weeks before the ER, my anxiety was at it's peak, but I was just constantly lost in thought about complex subjects and grasping things. Those memories and thoughts should still be there due to how strongly they can become encoded in people with Asperger's.
It's like I broke through to the other side and managed to bring some things back. Things that could take years of work and research to complete. (Not in a spiritual manner, I'll never buy into that bullshit. It would have been so fucking sad if I had turned to god (not even for a moment, I'm an avowed atheist and always have been) or some other nonsense.).The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2017-04-24 at 10:42 PM UTC in Only people who rape/molest should be sex offenders...
Man's inhumanity to man...The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2017-05-03 at 10:40 AM UTC in teh retraded thred herppppp slober fuk glum editshinI think it can be a valuable tool, but that ideally you should move on and learn to apply that sense of connection, acceptance, intimacy, and love to all sentient beings. Essentially the Buddhist view.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!
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2017-04-30 at 2:55 AM UTC in teh retraded thred herppppp slober fuk glum editshinI really should've just sucked it up, accepted the immense flaws of the education system (The Case Against Education by Bryan Caplan, he holds the same views I do), and gone into academia. This would have required a proper diagnosis, the prevalence of Asperger's syndrome is only about 1 in 5,000 among males in this point in time, and medication, mainly an a powerful anxiolytic and antidepressant due to fundamental neurological differences. There are just these profound differences that cause you to be at the extreme of human variation.
Quite honestly, I don't think I'm articularly intelligent, or at least I was absolutely retarded when it came to understanding how to live life as a human being. In my experience, being on the autism spectrum, it's as if you have no intuitive sense of how to properly live life as a human being, to attain happiness and fulfillment, and have to grasp things on a purely cognitive level as opposed to an intuitive and emotional one. And not everyone makes it through to the other end. Unfortunately, looking at life outcomes for aspies, most people don't; in fact, very few people due. You just have to accept that you're a genetic anomaly and this is your lot in life. Gened effect everything, for example, height being one of them. The human brain is the most complex object we've found in existence and of course genetic variation suggests that there's going to be variation in the physical makeup of your brain. You can't simply think your way out of everything, everything isn't only in your mind (solipsism is a form of insanity, you may not be able to refute it with certainty, which is why we need AGI (artificial general intelligence), but based on the knowledge of existence available I absolutely do not believe it is tenable). I mean, what do you think the human brain runs on, pixie dust? It's completely absurd to believe that there's something that transcends physical reality.
Intelligence is not the same thing as happiness. There are people in the world who were incredibly intelligent, accomplished, and completely miserable, eventually ending in their lives in suicide. You have to ask yourself, what the hell has to happen in your life, in your mind, for death to seem like the preferable option?
You have to understand that this is me at rock bottom right now. I'm literally a hikikomori, agoraphic and anthropophobic, I nearly max out rating scales of severe depression and anxiety, and it has a profound neurological basis, past trauma and lack of effective treatment. And it does, naturally and commonly, have a profoundly negative cognitive effect. Your ability to focus (severe ADD-PI), interest in life, desire to learn etc.
Fortunately I've set an appointment with a neurologist so I may finally find effective treatment. I posit that Nardil and propanolol are the best option for treatment I've found, along with possibly memantine, T-PAIN, nsi-189, phenibut, and something to treat chronic systemic inflammation.
Maybe I'll take an accelerated program. Neuroscience is probably what I'd go into, with an eventual goal of publishing a treatment regimen for autism spectrum disorders along with a paper on philosophy I've mentioned recently, "Existentialism, Secular Buddhism, and the Nature of Existence". I have to recover first and come back down to Earth. Hideaki Anno was literally in a state of suicidal depression when he created Evangelion, but he broke though it. I have no way of knowing just how much I may be able to recover.
There are people on the autism spectrum who score enormously high on IQ tests, yet are completely unable to function and cope with life. Intelligence is the ability to deal with complexity, and that isn't the same thing as happiness and fulfillment and life. It seems to be part of my school record, but apparently I scored in the 130+ I range. To give you a relative example, I recall that the average PhD in theoretical physics scores around 130.
Still, to put it crudely, god I'm fucking miserable right now, and I've just been in this cycle where the disorder is continuing to progress and I've become incrementally locked in, just in a constant state of thinking and reflection on life, various subjects that I believe matter most. Hopefully I will be able to beat this, and it's going to take a long time to recover, and at least find some happiness and fulfillment in life. I think there's a good chance at this point, having finally found compelling reasons to live, to continue to exist.
I just read so fucking much and literally almost killed myself, I've been in a state of suicidal depression for about 3 years now, drove myself to the brink of insanity. Now I need to build myself up to the point where I'm able to properly convey some things.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2017-04-28 at 11:31 AM UTC in teh retraded thred herppppp slober fuk glum editshinReminder to self: Gravity as an argument when dealing with the concept of localization/nonlocality.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!
