User Controls
Posts by Malice
-
2016-03-15 at 8:14 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition
-
2016-03-15 at 7:36 AM UTC in ATTN: LannyI didn't notice. Well, now I know we have this feature.
-
2016-03-15 at 6:25 AM UTC in ATTN: Lanny[greentext]>The day everything changed.[/greentext]
-
2016-03-15 at 6:24 AM UTC in A contest: What am I afraid of most?
I've been asking you for like 3 years to psychoanalyze me.
I'm flattered that you value my opinion, but, honestly, I don't know you well enough. I'm also extremely damaged at this point and am continually losing the ability to function. Just reading or creating posts of significant length or quality, even that can leave you, you just become sort of catatonic.
You're at a volatile age and time in your life. Sploo, you've actually met with Roshambo before, seem to be able to relate to him to some extent, have an honest conversation with him about the things that really matter. Stop being in shitposting mode all the time.
It reminds me of your clone of this thread and some of the answers. Maybe you do do it because you're afraid of rejection, that you can't actually meet your expectations (IQ tests), the potential you want to believe you have. And I completely understand that, I was lying to myself, deluding myself, about the state I was in, that one day I would eventually get it together and put plans into action, that I just needed time to prepare myself first. But it was the lack of actual action that stunted any potential development I may have had. A stream of failure would have been so much better than this endless repetition and not even trying. I didn't even make the threads, posts, have the conversations/discussions I wanted because the energy and passion just wasn't there, I convinced myself it was pointless, futile; I was unaware and in denial about what was really occurring.
Then there's the drug issue. Are we both just trying to run away from something, looking for some cure, an answer, that isn't there? Can't stand sobriety because of how empty our lives really are? Are afraid of actually doing what we know needs to be done to change that, to act IRL, and have some inability to accept people and life, life as a human being, for what they are?Great contest btw, what's the prize?
There's no prize other than the satisfaction of knowing you've won, of learning something, gaining an insight, having participated. -
2016-03-15 at 6:01 AM UTC in Lanny is holding the PM system hostage until Malice gives him his personal EmailWhat an odd thing to say. I don't think Lanny particularly cares about me, I'm just sad and empty.
-
2016-03-15 at 5:58 AM UTC in A contest: What am I afraid of most?
Intimacy.
It is hard to tell, though. Fear is often associated with panicking and the loss of rational thinking and logic. You are so detached from yourself, your emotions that it seems like that doesn't occur often. Well, except the hermit stuff and… haha, when you freak out over your neighbors. That's irrational. I guess your detachement from you yourself could be the result of being terrified by intimacy as well. You can't even allow yourself to be close to yourself because that would be letting your guard down. Weakness. Right?
Super-projector-mode off/
This. You understand me, brother. Apparently, for various reasons, I've come to fear it more than death. It's the outcome of over a decade on this path.I don't know and what a person thinks/says their greatest fear has no necessary relationship to the reality of the situation. If I had to guess it'd be that your perceptions don't accurately reflect an external reality, that your "extreme systematizing" hasn't brought you a clearer picture of the world and that the behavior that's made you miserable has actually made it harder for make unbiased judgements.
You're right, I did realize how incredibly skewed my worldview had become. I thought I was a strict rationalist, seeing the world unclouded by emotion, societal influences, human relationships etc., but it was just a different manifestation of a massively biased perception. That isn't something I fear, though. It's interesting that this would be your guess.Of course that's probably wrong, the way you reflexively dismiss other opinions suggests otherwise, the level of confidence in the statements you throw out there, but that's what scares me most when I read some of your posts thinking I might be in the same boat.
Good god I hope not. I don't want you to be.The answer you're looking for is probably closer to "that the damage my lifestyle has done is irreversible" or "it will never get better" or something along those lines.
That likely is amongst my highest fears, but it doesn't seem to be greater than the fear I've developed of human connection. -
2016-03-15 at 4:21 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition
yay I'm out of jail
I had wondered what happened to you. -
2016-03-14 at 11:13 PM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition
-
2016-03-14 at 10:31 PM UTC in Legal marijuana is capitalism in its prime
What kinda upity ass niggas all be getting their little colored foil bags bullshit up in this bitch say nigga wat?
Prevents degradation from light and preserves freshness to a superior extent compared with plastic bags. -
2016-03-14 at 10:06 PM UTC in A contest: What am I afraid of most?
Normies fear rejection. People like you fear the step before it.
That's good. -
2016-03-14 at 1:29 PM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition
So poison oak is obviously a real thing and there are obvious issues prolonged social isolation BUT things like "noticed worrying signs of my body malfunctioning" and "it's going to suck if I can never go into the wilderness again without the risk of threatening my life" sound strikingly like (real) hypochondria, especially with your background anxiety condition(s). Talking yourself into what you must realize by now is a risky and ultimately harmful series of drug interactions is exactly the kind of thing that turns paranoid behavior into actively harmful behavior. You know it's true if you really make an effort to look at your observations from an outside perspective.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Urushiol-induced_contact_dermatitis#Signs_and_symptomsSince the skin reaction is an allergic one, people may develop progressively stronger reactions after repeated exposures, or show no immune response on their first exposure, but show sensitivity on following exposures.
It was pretty severe and became systemic, began to spread to other body parts that hadn't been exposed (my stomach began developing a large rash). Went to an urgent care center and the doctor told me it was the worst she had ever seen. Guy who gave me an IM shot in the ass while another girl (worker) was in the room said, "I'm tempted to show her your butt." Not sure why, but I'm hoping because it's because it's so shapely and smooth.
I must have been exposed to a massive amount, it must have been climbing/crawling up that steep slope. The swelling was enormous, oddly, my forearms now look significantly smaller than before this occurred, and probably are (measured them), like some muscle mass was rapidly catabolized, although hopefully it was just depletion of something that will be restored.
This really is a serious risk. Some people have a very severe reaction to something for the first time and afterward even small amounts can cause symptoms that require immediate medical attention. Finding that out in the middle of a regional park, particularly way off trail like I like to go would be...very bad, as you can imagine.
And, no, my lifestyle and life history have undoubtedly done an enormous amount of damage, I've studied this extensively and the data is pretty clear: https://www.reddit.com/r/Nootropics/comments/3u999j/toward_a_neurology_of_loneliness_the_neurological/
That's the way it is. Some people fall into unfortunate circumstances. Not implying it was completely out of my control, but I'm still in this position.
Fortunately there's a vaccine being developed: http://www.prnewswire.com/news-releases/hapten-sciences-to-begin-clinical-trials-for-novel-poison-ivy-vaccine-300181513.html
If I had known it could become this severe I would have tried the method of taking small amounts orally daily for a prolonged period of time, but now I should go at least a year without any exposure before trying it. -
2016-03-14 at 12:28 PM UTC in Looking at pictures/videos/view of places on acid instead actually going to them?
I do this sometimes, it's fun on the comeup but I can't focus on external things so well at the peak.
I may have posted once before about how I was making a greek salad during a trip once and I had this really long, vivid hallucination of a whole life living on an ionian isle (part of greece) as I would imagine it to have been in like 200BC. Like a 40 year life it felt like, I can still remember scenes from that as well as memories from a few years ago, remember having a kid and shit. Literally stepped backwards and fell on my ass when I eventually realized I was actually 21st century nigga just making a greek salad
Your stories have been hilarious lately. There's a particular quality about them. -
2016-03-14 at 12:23 PM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionLanny, what's your answer to this?
http://niggasin.space/forum/spurious-generalities/79846-a-contest-what-am-i-afraid-of-most
Last I want before I reveal. -
2016-03-12 at 6:17 PM UTC in You ever seen a picture or video of yourself and thought you looked like a fag?
Took it nigga, scored low AF. Every time someone says something of the form "X is an indicator of autism" I almost always think "yeah, that's something I'd tend to do if I wasn't self-aware enough to actively avoid it". It seems like a classic id vs. superego situation (I've made enough parenthesized comments about Freud that my position on the guy should be clear by now). Whatever impulse I have towards those behaviors I've managed to shoehorn a lifetime worth of neuroses into the opposite set of impulses. So talented am I at this charade that I can fool people into associating with me for enough time before realizing what a compulsive, boring, cliche, and repetitive personality I have that they come to see all my failings as a human being as tragic flaws in an otherwise one dimensional character.
AND THATS WHAT WE CALL HAVING HEALTHY ADULT RELATIONSHIPS. I AM THE UBERMENSCH.
See?! You are suppressing, masking, your autism! -
2016-03-12 at 8:32 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionAlso, I honestly wonder if the effects of my lifestyle have degraded certain aspects of my health to the point where just poison oak became systemic and likely could have been life threatening if it hadn't been treated. Like a boy who grew up in a bubble stepping out as a tourist in India. I genuinely noticed worrying signs of my body malfunctioning, shutting down, in the past, which is why I take so many substances just to keep myself in stasis and slow down the damage.
I've mentioned before that this lifestyle, driving yourself to this level of isolation, is one of the worst things you can do to yourself. I've linked to the data, studies conducted, before. There are issues with chronic inflammation in autism as well.
Unfortunately I believe with allergies severe reactions tend to cause further reactions to become even worse, increased sensitization. Fuck it's going to suck if I can never go into the wilderness again without the risk of threatening my life. The exposure I had to urushiol must have been massive, though. I still feel miserable, but at least my shins and arms seem to be over it. Now I'm just worried about my stomach and it possibly continuing to spread. It's going to be so stupid if I end up dying from poison oak. -
2016-03-12 at 8:22 AM UTC in what kind of music do you listen to
When I was a kid (like 10-14) I had long hair and whatever look it is that compelled stoner/surfer types to recommend me random internet and/or music things constantly. When people think you look like "their kind of people" they can be surprisingly candid. I liked it though, got a lot of laughs out of random shit deadbeats rec'd me. I remember some dude telling me about ebaums when I was like 9 or something and I watched some shitty flash video that was a parody of the smurfs with a lot of sexual stuff and cussing and my mom found it in my browsing history and I think that was the only time I've ever been grounded. Good times.
Oh, only been grounded once and it was because your mother found an ebaums sexual and profane Smurfs parody in your internet history. The absurdity of life.I've never been grounded. Beat that Lanny.
You must have some bitch made parents, sploo. No, maybe you haven't been grounded in the traditional sense, but I do recall your parents doing things like refusing to give you money and calling the ambulance after finding you high. You've definitely faced some punishment and limitations. -
2016-03-12 at 8:18 AM UTC in You ever seen a picture or video of yourself and thought you looked like a fag?
IDK, maybe you could call it gay although that's not what bothers me (I sometimes try to imitate a flamboyant gay speaking style for comedic effect but it always falls flat). Actually kinda sounds like roshambo in some respects, like artificially pitch dropped, flat, a little too slow on certain sounds, over enunciated to the point of sounding unnatural sometimes despite the fact that I tend to talk too fast overall (not talking shit, only the first two of those sound similar to roshambo to my ear). I've had the same shitty speech pattern literally since I can remember, just it's deeper and goofier sounding, so the most noticeable element of it from my perspective is that it sounds childish. Like every other word I say sounds like a kid who just heard an idiomatic pronunciation of something and is trying to imitate it for the first time.
High autism quotient score. You've mentioned so many things that align with this.
http://www.wired.com/2001/12/aqtest/
Have you ever even taken the test and tried to be as objective as possible, to give deep thought and reflect upon your past to try to find any genuine affinity? It could help you understand yourself much better. -
2016-03-12 at 8:16 AM UTC in The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first editionI'm honestly surprised that you actually made this, I thought it was a genuine *chan meme at first. Amazed is too strong a word, I didn't want to use it, but you should make posts of this quality more often.
-
2016-03-12 at 6:48 AM UTC in Fear of God
I have done this all the time, too. Isn't that what praying is? Feeding God's crazy attention addiction to get some shit back.
I would sometime's quasi-pray when suicidal, a pascal's wager sort of prayer. "If you exist/there's anything out there.". Usually asking to be killed/die peacefully in my sleep or to be made better/helped. -
2016-03-12 at 6:44 AM UTC in I took too many Noot Herbs and now I'm DyingLanny, those are pretty huge doses of caffeine you're taking, but I don't know how much tolerance you've developed and what percentage of the population reaches a similar level.
Huh. I have a surprisingly positive reaction to L-Carnitine (taken on its own or with whatever (hopefully inert) binder) I can do like 3 times more cardio before wanting to die. I've never heard of Taurine before though.
You should try ALCAR + NA-R-ALA if you respond that positively to standard L-carnitine.