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Posts by CASPER
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2018-06-02 at 6:31 PM UTC in "Ellaria Sand" = ashamed, ugly trannyWtf is a DH? I'm the only designated hitta for dis bitch,
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2018-06-02 at 6:20 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs AttentionFAKE NEWS!!!
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2018-06-02 at 3:11 AM UTC in "Ellaria Sand" = ashamed, ugly trannyWho dafuq all these niqqas is?
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2018-06-02 at 3:03 AM UTC in my storylol. Im gonna show this to my mom and tell her to be grateful i never punched her and bled all over the living room in an apparent anhero.
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2018-06-02 at 2:52 AM UTC in my life storylol u chewed on tampons u silly nigga
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2018-06-02 at 2:08 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs Attention
Originally posted by Malice It's a shame I don't have any funny/light-hearted anime to take advantage of my change in mood. Rom-com, slice of life, plain old comedy. Toradora, Daily Lives of High School Boys, and Sakurasou are some examples that come to mind.
Play Persona 5 and you can live vicariously through those high school kids. -
2018-06-02 at 1:31 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs Attention
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2018-06-01 at 1:59 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs Attention
Originally posted by Malice Well, what kind of charity work did you do?
If you actually met me there would be no doubt in your mind that I'm on the spectrum. Part of the reason why it would probably be best not to meet, I would just end up burdening you.
Ive worked in soup kitchens and gathering toys to donate for the holidays. I worked for a place called Chrysalis that did homeless outreach. Same thing for the Inglewood needle exchange. Fostered puppies and kittens. The thing i did for the longest was when i had my car, I bought a bunch of necessities like toothpaste, shampoo, towels, flip flops, soap, razor blades, food and snacks that didnt need refrigeration, aspirin, lotion, batteries, cheap radios,flashlights, duct tape....any stuff that i needed when i was living in the car, or when ive gone camping. Just feels good. Even when crazy niggers confront you outside thge Ralphs saying you stole his Bible.
And im sure youre weird dude. I was raised around kids who were definitely on the spectrum. Not allowed to watch TV, very touchy, started screaming and hitting when theyd lose a video game or something. And im sure youre not that. In any case, we wouldnt even have had to talk. Just pick you up, find a place to eat, smalltalk bullshit about the restaurant and Pomona and drugs and making money, and what kind of anime i should get into. Thats what "normies" do. Its kind of a moot point now though, at least until i figure out a car situation. And you kinda missed out on "Ballin Out of Control Casper". Past 3 months have been fucking insane. -
2018-06-01 at 1:21 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs Attention
Originally posted by greenplastic Yea dude taking a single dose of methadone completely eliminated Crouton withdrawal for like 3 days for me, i'd hate to feel what it's like to be addicted to that shit
Ill find out sooner or later. Im on 150mg/day. Gonna be interesting. Although lower amounts got rid of my withdrawals, at 130mg, I started feeling the drug cravings dissipate until getting high felt pointless. I mean i still get willful and do it sometimes when im bored, but 99% of the time id rather watch netflix. Especially tar- so gross. -
2018-06-01 at 1:19 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs Attention
Originally posted by Malice I don't recall that.I was likely just terrified of other people, having serious issues with extremely severe anxiety, agoraphobia, anthropophobia, and suicidal depression.
Do you feel it helped you? I'm worried it may not due to how disconnected from the world I feel, as well as the disillusionment, and how ugly and unworthy of help the vast majority of people feel.
Yeah dude i texted you like 3 times and told you i was free and was renting a bunch of luxury cars, and i could come pick you up in pomona and take you out to lunch or just drive around or something.
Yeah of course doing charity stuff helped. Happiness doesnt just come to you man. Just like a toothache or a pain in your foot is your bodys way of telling you something is amiss- unhappiness is the same thing. Its your body's defense mechanism against self-destructive behavior. It doesnt matter if you talk to people...just being in a room around other people, engaged in activities- helps.
I figured just getting you out of the house and out and about would be good for you. Im all for a persons right to kill themselves, but its fucking stupid when you'bve tried nothing. Youre not going to be able to drug your way to happiness. Even just having a job- even when i come in 6 or 7 hours later every day- is enough of a routine and chance to see other people, that it decreased my depression by a lot. But i think everyones tired of trying to convince you. Youre obviously unhappy. Maybe try some other suggestions. Be grateful that there are people willing to talk to and listen to you. A lot of people dont even have that.
If it turns out you genuinely have aspergers, i guarantee there are some free classes given somewhere helping you to acclimatize and learn how to socialize. You can always kill yourself in the end. -
2018-06-01 at 12:49 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs Attention
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2018-06-01 at 12:48 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs Attention
Originally posted by Malice I don't recall that.I was likely just terrified of other people, having serious issues with extremely severe anxiety, agoraphobia, anthropophobia, and suicidal depression.
Do you feel it helped you? I'm worried it may not due to how disconnected from the world I feel, as well as the disillusionment, and how ugly and unworthy of help the vast majority of people feel.
Yeah
Originally posted by DietPiano 2mg in a bar. Bar is the highest dose except XR there is a 3mg but Xanax XR isn't prescribed because it sucks and defeats the point of Xanax.
I've never used any other benzo except I think I found a kpin .5 in this kids truck one time but I never felt it nor did my non-tolerant friend.
That being said, I have never personally witnessed anyone take a whole bar and be able to stay awake for very long. I stopped letting people try them after a while because I knew what was gonna happen.
That's the activis logo
You're couldn't be more right. I only tried using more than 8mg one time and took like, I dunno, probably over 100mg and it didn't really feel hardly any different, just more tired when I woke up.
The length is the big deal here. Like, you really shouldn't be able to work a patient up that far because by the time they're at 3 or 4 if they say "It's not working well enough" you should be saying "Okay, let's ween you off and try something else" because it should be at least 4 months of consistent benzo use at that point, and at 4 months 4/5 doctors would listen to the warning that says "Use beyond 4 months is not reccommended, long term effects beyond 4 months are not known." That's being pretty kind. What it should say is "Memory problems will likely develop after 4 months."
Yeah, my memory is a lot better than it was a year ago, but still pretty awful (although some of it is withdrawal.) I have a ways to go though, then PAWS I'm sure, which with my case I'm planning on the full 2 years because I can't even find relevant data on people above 4mg for multiple years.
This is the worst drug withdrawal I can fathom. It's maybe slightly less intense as far as sheer pain than heroin, but only slightly, and it just goes ON and ON and ON for 1-2 years instead of a tough month like opis. You can take a month off work, good luck taking 2 years off. I don't enjoy weed, but I may try CBD oil because I hear it's not psychoactive and pretty good for neuropathic/nerve pain, which is the brunt of my pain.
You have to reduce So.. Slowly.. after 3 years. I've been in constant w/d for the last year and I still have the better part of a year to go. Used to cut .5 every 3 weeks, until I nearly had a psychotic break in April and started cutting only .25 (~10% of my dose) every 3 weeks.
Anybody wanna buy some bars?
lol OR you can combine the length of benzo withdrawals and the excruciating misery of heroin....with METHADONE. Yayyyyyy!! -
2018-05-31 at 6:05 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs Attention
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2018-05-31 at 2:15 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs AttentionOh no wonder I couldnt reply to anything :(
RiP -
2018-05-31 at 2:12 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs Attention
Originally posted by Malice Casper, I need to find some volunteer work that gives me positive interaction with others and really makes a difference, or would just be a good experience for a depressed severely isolated autist. I know you've done volunteer work.
I really need to get out, connect with people, and do some good. I really do feel good when I help someone and can see that I'm helping them, that they appreciate it.
I don't like having nothing to do 3 days a week except homework/studying and being on a computer all day. This depression has been killing me for years. At least I'll be helping others, even if it doesn't cure me.
When i suggested this to you before you thought it was stupid. -
2018-05-24 at 5:25 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
Originally posted by ohfralala Damn wtf I wish people would hit me up with these sort of play dates
I've met up with a bunch of different people from here. It's like Pokémon, I gotta collect the ultra rare shinys. Pre-suicide/post hermitude Malice would've been a total shiny, but he's too much of a melodramatic fag to try new shit. It's like a doctor says
"Ok sir, it looks like the pain in your arm was just a large splinter and not anything serious. Just let me grab some tweezers and ointment and...".
"Okay. I'm ready to go peacefully."
"...I'm sorry?"
"I've made peace with death. Give me the death juice, please. This bitter draught will taste like sweet nectar on my lips after the pain I've endured..."
"Um. Oooooookay. Don't you think that's a little extreme? I mean I could have that out in 30 seco..."
"GIMME MY JUICE IM READY FOR VALHALLA!! IM COMING PATRICK SWAZEY!!!!"
"Oh fuck it. I was gonna lose my license once they figure out how much oxy I'm stealing anyway."
I wanted to meet Malice before he evolves into his final ultimate form- Esproc.
Whatevs. Let the games begin.
When you kick the bucket, I'm going to find your funeral and play a tribute video of just a continual loop of pictures of your ass, and three wolf moon shirt with "I will Remember You" playing, accentuated by live recorded fart sounds supplied by the forum, -
2018-05-24 at 4:44 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
Originally posted by yum Has anyone met up with malice yet and is he still a virgin?
He lives like 30 minutes away and I offered to pick him up and take him to lunch, drive around and see parts of the city, bring him xanax, take him to a dispensary.... but he was too scared to meet up. And yes, he still has his man-cherry, -
2018-05-24 at 2:36 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
Originally posted by gumbo You're kind of a piece of shit if you don't donate your organs. It's as easy as checking a box when you go to the DMV.
I mean I sorta kinda understand for some people, because in cases where youre nonresponsive or the doctor believes you wont recover, it gives the state the right to collect your organs while youre not technically dead yet. But if youre TRYING to kill yourself in the first place.... lol. No reason not to do it. -
2018-05-24 at 2:23 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
Originally posted by Malice https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/W3XpQDTEkaPQAuvHz/really-extreme-altruism
I'm thinking about doing some good with my death and getting the best life insurance policy possible, setting up a will so that it's all donated to either an animal charity or something related to artificial intelligence. Maybe the former because my influence could insignificant.
If I left some fentanyl laced heroin lying around and syringes they would rule it as an overdose, and I don't think they would have any problem with paying out. If you commit suicide within two years of getting life insurance it's either reduced (don't know by how much) or eliminated. I would need to research this, but at this level of depression and suffering it's the standard to be drained of all energy and motivation, any concern other than dying.
Setting things up so that my organs would be donated would be cool too, potentially saving multiple lives or at least greatly increasing the quality of their life. It's too risky, though. I don't want to take the chance of being found before I'm dead and spending the rest of my life forced to be kept alive in a state where I can't end my life.
I'd like it if I could set up a delayed message to be sent to everyone involved informing them of what had really occurred.
Youre such a dramafag. You better donate your organs dude. -
2018-05-24 at 2:20 AM UTC in The Retardest Thread: Fashionably Late Edition.
Originally posted by Malice Too many reasons for this. I just can't handle the chronic dysphoria, not simply depression, but the inverse of pleasure/euphoria, anhedonia, the multitude of effects from Asperger's, brain chronically feeling inflamed, inability to feel any form of connection to others, ideological groups, anything greater than myself. Then there's everything that's been going on in my mind, constantly ruminating, for over 14 years. Incredible lack of any feeling of belonging or human warmth, complete lack of any experience that feels meaningful (An absolutely alien extremely isolated life experience). My worldview and philosophical viewpoints worsen it, even though I consider them the greatest of truths. Things would have needed to have gone radically different for this to have turned out well.
That's just the nature of deterministic reality, some people are born into states and go down paths that lead to a point where life is unbearable. It's not even entirely about unhappiness.
This just isn't getting any better and I don't think there are any treatments available at this time that could give me a life I would consider worth living. I fucked myself up way to badly and I'm not entirely sure why, it could be neurological, but it's degenerative, has progressively gotten worse over the years.
Once the point is actually hear, I do feel a great fear of death, even though rationally I know there shouldn't be, and feel I don't actually want to die, but could have the resources to recover and pursue ideas for projects I have.
If anyone shows signs of having any form of autism, even high functioning with a high level of intelligence, get them serious help as soon as possible and as warm and loving an environment as possible, a strong sense of belonging and meaning. This outcome isn't uncommon with people with my disorder, you have no idea what a living hell it can become. I've been feeling like hell the vast majority of the time for probably 17 years now and it's never getting better. I really wish I had been born to educated affluent White parents with good genetics who could afford a neurologist to rule out whether there's something like severe inflammation or a tumor(s) that keep making this worse.
Everyone here can probably understand what it's like to experience intense psychological and physical suffering, everyone has a breaking point when it gets bad enough and never ends. I devoted years, countless daily hours of obsession over research, to make life bearable and attempt to recover enough.
You can at least have the empathy to realize that you have to be in unbearable suffering to actually be going through with this.
I mean i bought a gun to kill myself with, but it didnt take away from the fact that I CHOSE to be a heroin addict for 12 years, and waste a huge chunk of my young life. But i can do things differently too.
I would think if i was isolated and friendless for 14 years, Id be looking to do things radically different before resorting to such dramatic options. But thats just me.
