My skin is breaking out and I feel like giving up on it. I walked a long way someplace then realised I forgot my umbrella so came back and now I’m trying to get my brain to work because I have some plotting to do.
I’m just going to listen to time distortion hypnosis to speed up bad experiences, sleep a lot then either spend a night at the airport or just get lost. I can’t stay in Amsterdam and felt like going to the airport today.
I want to go home immediately and I just found out my flight is a day later than I thought. This has never happened to me it must be brain fog why I didn’t think to check when my flight home was the whole time.
There’s a reason my mum’s family is fucked up and I avoid them, they had an aloof brain damaged father and a selfish mother who was quite uncaring/nasty. They’re all crazy now. My mum was p nasty to me growing up and she mentioned to someone she was acting like her mum. The examples I wanted to talk about:
My aunt was saving for a motorbike and gave all the money she earned to her mother to mind it until she could buy one. When the time came it wasn’t there, she had spent all her daughters savings. Even as an old lady she would steal furniture from their houses if she wanted it, without telling them. It wasn’t because she needed furniture she was just obsessed with antiques. When my mum worked as a child all her money had to go to her mother.
What I don’t understand is why I can see these things as wrong, why I have an outline of what good parenting is when I never really had a mum. If it’s biological from my dad’s side.
I’ve thought about visiting the Dagara tribe because autists are seen as healers possessed by alien spirits there and they have a ritual to bond the person with the spirit. Ig I want to live in a society where autism isn’t stigmatised. Revenge, influencing my nephew and adding something creative to the world.
For friends, most of the people I’ve been close with English wasn’t their first language. I wouldn’t have known them if they didn’t learn it. It lets you think in different ways, watch movies that don’t have subtitles, for survival and personally for me it evens out my accent, it used to be very culchie. I like being able to nail other accents and that learning some languages deepens my voice. English is ugly and my voice is super high-pitched speaking it.
You need to do a confessions of a meth addict book
I had a bad dream I was being waterboarded and just held my breath, it reminded me of the time E suffocated me.
Your brain grows and responds to how you use it no matter how old you are so I’ll keep trying.
I only got the first dose of moderna in January and haven’t been the same since. Low temperature for months, chronic fatigue which has only lifted slightly, brain fog but that could have been from covid, breathing issues for two weeks after it, heart didn’t feel alright immediately and still isn’t great, I’d get breathless just from eating and sitting at a desk still tires me, can’t spend more than 5 hours at a pic anymore, have been listening to more audiobooks instead of reading. There’s no chance I can do an all-nighter reading a book anymore. I take smart drugs to function but they’re not as effective as they used to be, I can sleep at night with them.
This paki bitch just tried picking a fight with me but I calmly stood up to her now she’s even more mad. Feels good to know I can still do that.
2022-10-11 at 4:09 PM UTC
in
My Memoirs
It’s aight you won’t see any more of my life.
De ja vu but think I had a dream like this
I don’t want to go outside and am not sure why. Yday the farthest I went was the shop for cigs. Idk if it’s because I’m overwhelmed or the fear of getting lost or if I’m dissociating.
