I want to stay in my dad's village and think I found the perfect place.
I'm looking at AirBnB accommodation where I live and I've never heard of these places that are so close.
I'm just going to do lifeadmin today. Ideally I'd like to go to Victorian gardens 10 minutes away because I need to go outside but I know I won't have the energy.
There's an other organisation that I think I need to take to court but won't because it was under a grand. They're just not being accountable.
I probably should have paid for the service in installments. It's like now they have my money they don't care about being professional.
I need to think of ways to reduce stress, hypnosis hasn't been working for me lately, maybe because I skip the intro and am always alert because of Akira.
I ordered a new grey sweatshirt that I'm happy about. It's about time because I've been wearing my current ones for a decade.
Drinking at 8am and watching the wheel of time. The vodka has helped my stress. Today I have to worry about Akira running off and all the things I didn't do yesterday. I need to socialise at some point. I think being a recluse is fine for me but that there has to be intervals where I socialise to stay healthy. My favourite diner closed. I was going to go to Belfast today but can't really make plans because I don't know how sleep-deprived I'll be these days. Today I'm going to do baby steps tasks just to reduce stress. It's important to do something productive everyday even if it's small. Other things on my mind are this organisation is so incompetent, didn't reply to my emails because the person left the company, so I was waiting a month with no response. Now there's a deadline and I don't know if action has been taken. I emailed them yesterday for confirmation but no reply yet. If I get another message that they haven't handled it I'll be mad.
Ik in my heart I won't do it because I won't kill a hostage, and that means choosing the perfect person and I will never be sure about that.
Maybe I would have to do something like that if there were others in my life like Akira to protect from myself. Like maybe I wouldn't keep her indoors all the time if I had a hostage.
I won't take anyone hostage because I know I'll get sick of them, and that means having to kill them.
2023-11-29 at 7:14 AM UTC
in
Using cat as a napkin
Akira licks my hand then I think expects me to clean her with it, the spots she can't reach easy.
Maybe I am going to take someone hostage when I'm older and facing loneliness.
I tell myself everyday, no more lifting her and let her outside when she wants, but then I keep doing it daily.
I've probably lost Akira. I was cruel to the cat I had as a child and don't know why I'm like this. I won't let her out because it's cold then later realise that it wasn't that cold and she would have been fine for an hour. I don't want to let her out at all. The door scratching is really bothering me, reminds me of when I trapped my toddler cousin in my room. Maybe it's just because I'm sleep-deprived that's come out. I don't want Akira to have to deal with whatever demon streak I have because she's just looking for a safe home but last night I was awful. It borders on sadism but doesn't make me happy.
Sleep-deprived. Two days in a row with a few hours sleep.
Idk why I do this, she's gonna run away from me but I've found I'm being worse toward her.
This was after traumatising her holding her down and trying to clip her claws. She was in a corner with her head down and looked so scared. I feel awful.
I feel like the granny in flowers in the attic. I've locked Akira in her room for waking me up and she keeps scratching the door in despair all alone in the dark in there but I can't let her outside to freeze to death.
I had three hours sleep today after an all nighter and Akira is going to wake me up in four hours and it will be hell because it's too cold to let her outside. I can't let her outside my bedroom when I want to sleep so I can contain the door scratching to just one door. She's chipped a lot of paint off it. I've started trying to scare her with nailclippers.
