Gaddy, IIRC you got valium for withdrawals right? I know you are probably every bit as careful with drugs as I am, having basically the same heroin story & pharmacology knowledge as me (even the college course), yet I really want to advise that you take them for that purpose and then lay off them for a bit. Maybe alco too. Use ket and other stuff if you want, but gaba PAWS is no joke, I've been off for 6 months and still battling them pretty hard. Prepping for 2 years, worst case scenario. I've drank a couple times, and being off gaba drugs (besides pentin) alcohol was actually literally painful when I consumed it.
Be careful bro.
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Originally posted by CASPER
Yeah I'm reading through the "partners" thread on that site right now. God I just want to give them all a hug. Our brains are collaborators and conmen. When you're mentally ill, you have to treat your own thoughts like the enemy. I get it. I've been there. I wanted to do a huge post over these, but I'd probably just get banned for being "pro life". I have no doubt plenty of people have it worse than I do, but I've seen some shit. And I may spiral down again and get strung out and finally dig up the glock and catch that faggotty, no-balls, weepy victim midnight train to Georgia. But I stuck it out because I was too much of a pussy to go through with it, and addiction left me with too animal an instinct to concern myself with thoughts much higher than getting a fix. And now I feel better. And it scares me how easy it was to fall into that. I still don't know what changed. Nothing is too different. But life goes on, shit changes. Sometimes even really fucked up people get better.
I think everyone has the right to end their own life if it becomes unbearable. But I also think that 90% of the time, it's self pity and a cry for help. We want people to know that we hurt. That we're angry, we want them to know how MUCH we hurt. The ironic thing is that depression makes anything feel unattainable, too much work, just not enough. And in most people's cases, you really just have to break through that anyway. Connect to another person, do something meaningful. Be willfully optimistic, despite whatever you have going on. Set small goals. Malice just didn't really want to try, that's what made me angry. But I've been there so I can't blame him too much.
Malice asked me a ton of times to be his partner. Sometime she I wonder if I'd have lied to him, if I'd have made him believe that he had someone else that miserable, maybe he'd have hung around long enough to weather whatever autistic nonsense he was going through at the moment *shrug*
Anyway…you don't think there's another autistic dude with family issues who bought Nembutal and liked anime? Rofl. I think that probably describes hundreds of thousands of people on the internet right now. I don't remember him having any kind of disability with his feet.
Neither do i, the part about having some disability other than autism.
Anyway, maybe you're right, or maybe you're in denial. The fact is we know malice was suicidal, we know he had a quantity of lethal drugs he kept as an exit plan we know we haven't heard from him in a long while. If you're out there malice, you're a dick for making us think you're dead, but that's nothing to kill yourself over. I'll have you know.
I read the thread, closed the laptop, cried a single manly tear, and had a beer for me and one for the homies.
So long space nigga...
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Originally posted by Octavian
In the end the white picket fence option is worth it man. This isn't to say you can't have a little side earner. In relation to Casper's previous post about cutting "social fat", I'm starting more and more to warm to this idea except my analogy would be amputating the gangrenous tissue before it spreads, e.g. those around me that are less ambitious or a hindrance to my improvement. I've spent so much time in the presence of ass holes that need chemicals to socialize it's become somewhat normal and highly detrimental to both my health and finances. Unlike them I always have a way to procure more and more but I'm only just supplementing their own habits and parasitical behaviour to be around me.
Then I close my eyes and think, I could have invited the girl next door who only drinks, have good intellectual conversation, get extremely drunk and have wild sex. I would wake up in the morning a little hungover but I would have no regrets, not be depressed as fuck; and would have probably saved a fuck ton of money.
This is not saying I don't enjoy chemicals, I really do. It just feels like a repetitive cycle and I don't want to be the guy who's still wearing the t shirt.
Ditto.
Drugs weren't the problem in and of themselves. They just seem to put me in a stasis where it's so easy to lose time. When I thought I was stupid and useless and fucked up, it didn't really make any difference to me. Now that I know "I" am still here, and that I'm still good at a lot of things, I feel like I don't want to waste any more time. I stopped talking to friends I've known for 15 years. I just want to constantly be moving forward...even if it's just a tiny bit at a time. I want the people around me to do well too, and I want them to reciprocate the energy and time I give them. Case in point...the girl I've been talking to for a year and a half or so. She's got multiple degrees in chemistry and literature, she's got good taste and she's a musician and actress, model. She's nerdy and kind of quiet. But she's also rich and spoiled. She flakes on commitments, and then plays the victim card when someone calls her on it. She only really puts in effort when she thinks she's being ignored or disliked....which is a completely fucked cycle to get into. I basically told her that I might have put up with that shit when I was sad and mopey and strung out, but now that i feel good and revitalized, I'm completely ambivalent. I genuinely hope she does well, and I'd love to spend time with her, but if she doesn't get her shit together, I'm just going to cut off all contact. I want people around me that make me feel good, and where I can be myself, and work towards great new shit.
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gadzooks
Dark Matter
[keratinize my mild-tasting blossoming]
I remember way back when, Burger King had this short phone survey you could take after making a purchase by using a brief numerical code on the back of each receipt in order to get a free Whopper.
I used to go there all the time and just collect receipts off the ground and get free Whoppers all the time.
Eventually they banned me and my friend from there.
Imagine being banned from Burger King.
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gadzooks
Dark Matter
[keratinize my mild-tasting blossoming]
Originally posted by We'reAllBrownNosers
contribute any kind of useful technical information to a site similar to totse.
All the paranoid conspiracy theories aside, I do agree that this site has become somewhat far removed from what Totse once was in it's heyday.
I actually don't mind the DH crowd. It's not them that annoy me. It's more the HB-style posters posting HB-style stuff everywhere.
HB is fun for a bit of silliness and all, but Totse used to have serious discussions in it's subforums.
The problem is that we just need more serious posters, and enough traffic to warrant moderators for subforums so that Lanny can delegate some of the keeping-things-on-topic work.
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Originally posted by Octavian
The sad fact is OP most likely is a paedophile. Let's deviate slightly and make this an interesting topic of sorts.
If you somehow knew OP was responsible for a heineous crime, say there was insurmountable evidence lying around the room you were in with him. This evidence is the most disturbing, tear jerking shit you have ever seen/ heard. Would you:
A. Smash his fucking head in and try and cover it up.
B. He's not worth doing life over, Imma knock him the fuck out then ring the cops.
Folks?
You are correct Oct, he is a pedo.
B it is. Now, if I caught him abusing a child?......I’d blow his fucking brains out.
The end!
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I feel like being immortalized by a shitty megathread in a shitty little scumpond forum in the endless expanse of empty space and gossip columns and staged stepsibling porn that is the internet- is a fitting tribute to Mal.
Bukowski would've gotten along fine here, I think, Just started reading Ham on Rye. Chuck doesnt seem like a genius by any stretch of the imagination, but he had an uncanny ability to condense a fucktons of meaning into everyday, very utilitarian, terse diction.
I always got very pissed off that I spent a decade plus of scumfuckery with no art to show for it. I assumed living in cars and shooting dope and living with tweakers and whores, and then moving back home and eating acid and snorting fentanyl and planning to kill myself....somewhere along the way I'd manufacture some earthshaking, serious literary explosive. But all it does it makes you angry and mean and jaded. An animal doesn't have time for art.
I lel''d at a joke I kinda wrote in my head today.
"I always relished being the bad guy. Always exceptional, but not enough to excel, I always found it easier to do the things other people were too afraid to do. It cost you a lot of opportunities, but it afforded you a strange sort of respect. If you couldn't win them over with good looks or wit, or athleticism, or a cock big enough to scare off the most ambitious of whores...at least the fear was nice.
So I made it my business to take note of just about everything I was supposed to do, and make an honest effort of doing the very opposite."
School advisor: "....and if nothing else, you're going to want to just keep a couple thousand dollars in a high yield savings account, and just never touch it. Build credit early. Finish a degree in anything..."
Me: *sitting naked in a stolen Oldsmobile, covered in blood and broken glass, smoking bufo toad venom with a blowtorch* PLEASE CONTINUE, MR. SHEVLIN...
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Originally posted by Octavian
I need to sand my skirting boards again. It's going to suck glossing them now my laminate is down.
Mine got really bad, only because I knew I was getting them painted soon. I had the entire house painted. Baseboards, trim, closets, ceilings and doors. That was before last summer, so I’m sure I’ll be cleaning mine come the big spring clean. Some of these jobs I’d rather pay someone to do.
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Yeah you’re honest about it on an anonymous internet message board.
How about next time you go in for a job interview and they ask you if you can get along with your workmates you can tell them “well, actually I want to kill them usually, along with billions of others, most of the human race really. But yes I can look past all that and be a team player 😊.”
See how your honesty works out then.
You’re not honest. Face it you’re exactly like the scum you claim to hate so much, the only difference between you and me is you’re in denial about it.
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GGG
victim of incest
[my veinlike two-fold aepyornidae]
Originally posted by hydromorphone
All I've done is powder too. Mine has always been medium brown to nearly white. I've had what's called 'raw', and then there is 'scramble'. Raw is usually better but I've had some really good scramble too, but not as often. The scramble is usually near white.
Now in the spoon, when heat hits it, a lot of it turns a dark brown color. I've also got stuff that has greenish specs in it that appear right as it warms up and then mixes, turning light to dark brown. It was good dope though.
What region of the country did you get your dope in?
I'd love to try tar. The people I did talk to that did get tar a while back said it was fire. I recall reading that there is some sort of morphine shit that is left over in the tar that isn't in powder from the manufacturing process that makes it much more enjoyable, but I haven't ever tried to be able to speak to that.
What part of the country did you get your shit in? Was the powder in one place and the tar in another?
I've tried dope that came from FL and DE. The DE dope SUCKED BADLY. no wonder they have people ODing left and right. The baggies aren't even the strength of a loratab, so I could see them finally getting good shit, and them having a low tolerance due to the dirt dope here and dropping like a fly. A friend who's still in DE told me that 3 people died from ODing recently (a month or two ago), and not that long ago they arrested 90+ people in one little area related to selling dope and guns and shit. Crazy shit.
The shit in FL was reasonably good. It's hard to say since my tolerance was sky high prior because of T-PAIN use, but now that it's lower, dope is definitely the better alternative for me since the price has gone through the roof on T-PAIN. On T-PAIN I never could even feel dope. The most I got out if it was doing massive amounts and just not shitting myself from WDs. Now I've gotten shit where I've actually passed out using.
Mother of the year
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