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Posts by Malice
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2017-05-04 at 5:59 AM UTC in teh retraded thred herppppp slober fuk glum editshin
Originally posted by Captain Falcon Malice is actually, truly mildly insane.
Hypomania actually does often manifest in multiple ways that really can make a person seem mildly crazy. I'm sure Lanny has seen some of these types in the startup world, where it's most prevalent.
We all have our specialties, you can't know everything in the world (yet-NeuralLink), so it's completely understandable if it goes over your head if you don't have a background in these subjects. I read and thought, locked myself away to the exclusion of everything else for years on end, only selecting the best of the best, and I am extremely good at finding and dealing with information, to the point where I was literally descending into madness and almost committed suicide, but I made it past the brink.
Just so you know, despite poor circumstances, I did test as gifted in first grade in the 130+ IQ range, theoretical physics PhDs/professors score around a median of 130. Incredibly high reading speed, I could maintain it all day and just absorb tons of information, top of the class, perfect grades and test scores with zero studying. I was also scoring in the 99 percentiles on multiple subjects, including math, so I don't know just how high my ability was right until middle school, which was hell for me, and when everything began going to hell. Apparently it's part of my school record and up until I graduated they would occasionally make remarks about it.
I may still have it in me if I can get back to my peak performance.
But, yeah, I really should wind down for today. -
2017-05-04 at 5:46 AM UTC in teh retraded thred herppppp slober fuk glum editshinSophie, have you listened to Backwordz? They're an actual ancap/libertarian/agorist band and they're actually pretty good. Lanny's ears would probably start bleeding if he heard them live.
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2017-05-04 at 5:44 AM UTC in teh retraded thred herppppp slober fuk glum editshin
Originally posted by Dargo Hey, Mal, I don't know if this is possible for you, but try just going to bed right now. You seem manic, and staying up researching and thinking about things at lightening speed won't do you any good.
Go to bed and start fresh tomorrow.
Originally posted by Captain Falcon Malice is actually, truly mildly insane.
To be honest, I'm just kidding around with a lot of the things I posted. You can probably tell what they are, although I still meant them on some level.
No, look, it has to be Lanny or Sophie, someone with the right background who can grasp what I wrote and see if it makes sense. If you think this is crazy, read The Intense World Theory paper, What I believe should be the principal founding work for the understanding of autism, written by two Swiss neuroscientists who have an autistic child of their own. It's incomplete, and I want to complete their work, but I think they've got the general idea, part of it, and it's absolutely brilliant:
The Intense World Theory – a unifying theory of the neurobiology of autism
http://journal.frontiersin.org/article/10.3389/fnhum.2010.00224/full -
2017-05-04 at 5:39 AM UTC in teh retraded thred herppppp slober fuk glum editshinLanny, thinking about how many people are afflicted by autism, the enormous lifelong costs, how so many wealthy parents (terrible to say, but hey), which a large over representation in Silicon Valley due to cultural and economic, various social changes, that may have led to an increase in assortative mating where you get two people who are very high systemizers (The autism quotient, computer scientists, unsurprisingly, score among the highest, and there's a large amount of writing and research on this connection) and produce children where certain neurological factors are to such an extreme of human variation that they end up completely disabled.
I swear to god if you try to steal any of my ideas I will literally hunt you down and brutally torture you, and you know I'll go through with it with how completely off the rails I can go when I blow up. But I don't think you'll do that, now will you? ;)
Let's take the world by storm and rake the money. But I need some time to recover, and this could take years, you'd need connections and funding for some additional research that may be needed, people that have those and can convince the people in academia needed by this.
And at the end of it all, IMAGINE HOW MUCH FUCKING MONEY, FAME, GLORY, AND FORTUNE WE WOULD ATTAIN!!!
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Mother of god, I'm literally close to rock bottom right now, and yet I've still got it. Severe depression naturally dulls your mind and causes other issues. Or it could have been the prolonged cycle of NSI-189 and other substances reducing the damage caused, even reversing some (My symptoms of autism were FAR more pronounced when younger, particularly during high school. Even in my early 20s before I began this insane extensive regimen where I just read such an unbelieveable amount and strictly adhered to it. When I'm in a (quasi-)hypomanic state I'm an enormous ball of physical and mental energy. Can you imagine if we supercharge this with a high dose of Nardil?
Oh, and we'll also be helping to greatly alleviate the suffering of our fellow sentient beings, in line with both our professed beliefs.
No, nevermind, I may just say fuck you and eventually handle it on my own. More for me, it's mine, all mine, you didn't build this, this is my birthright, I'm in the EMPIRE BUSINESS!!! Fuck you for all the times you rejected me. Do you think I don't know how you perceive me? Well now I don't need you and I'm kicking you to the side where you can sit in a gutter and drink your alcohol, miserable in the financial district of all things (FiiiiiiDiiiiiii), unfulfilled, ending up completely alone, with nothing but your money to comfort you.
Later, bitch! -
2017-05-04 at 5:23 AM UTC in teh retraded thred herppppp slober fuk glum editshinFuuuck, my depression seems to be rapidly alleviating after the breakthrough, but these incredibly OCD rapid thought patterns are coming back where I'm just going through all the major subjects I've read over the years, the things I thought mattered most in life, and processing it to come up with new things, develop my understand. Just a constant rapid fire barrage, and as some of you may remember my thoughts were really really out there at times.
Right now I'm thinking about my understanding of autism and pharmacology, neuroscience, any relevant fields.
I'm afraid that if I actually do recover with Nardil, which commonly causes hypomania (not necessarily a bad thing) I won't be able to contain it. I had severe insomnia and other sleep problems when younger. I could end up like some people who just sleep 5 hours a day and the rest they're just obsessively pursuing their passion at a manic speed, then they collapse exhausted and start the cycle over again. I could need a massive dose of sedatives just to be able to sleep if I want to prevent myself from going insane.
Lanny, if this happens make me your muse and hire me for a startup. You can have control of it and most of the pay, but no sexual favors as a benefit package because of the immense trouble mixing work and personal life can cause, particularly in startups.
I've gotta crack this thing. The information and understanding is still there. The neuroscience, neurological differences that have been confirmed, countless papers, understanding of so many drugs, the neurotransmitter and their implications, insufficient synaptic pruning, a deficit in the GABAergic pathway which leads to an effective imbalance between it and the brains primary excitatory and the most common neurotransmitter glutamate, excessive levels of which are implicated in a variety of modern theories of old disorders, abnormally low levels of serotonin, which I posit do not generally effect mood, but largely modulate various aspects of social behavior, has a strong effect on OCD behavior and thought patterns, and of course there are various subreceptors that each do something different, and most of it is in the gut, which could very likely play a large role in the extreme food sensitivities and other gut issues autistics have. Amygdala hypertrophy, mainly asymmetrical in the region dealing with negative emotions. This causes an amplified response, which along with the deficit in the GABAergic pathway lead to emotional responses that are far overly intense and outside the range of human behavior. If you think about it, the asymmetrical amygdala hypertrophy will cause a response that's mediated by norepinephrine, which makes perfect sense thinking about its principle role in the stress response. It's all based in our evolutionary history, the primitive fight for survival, fear of death in order to live to spread selfish genes, one of the strongest drives and emotional-behavioral responses there is. Norepinephrine abbreviated as NE, the vasoconstriction, contraction of the blood vessels, can be thought of as tightening a hose, the water, blood, goes out with more force. This forces it throughout your body and into your lower extremities, and the extremities are the main tools for survival in those situations, your legs and feet to run and kick, maneuver, climb, your arms to punch and grasp. Going back, of course this drives up your heart rate in order to be able to maintain the elevated flow of blood rate, it's fairly simple mechanics, so your heart beats faster, you breath more rapidly to maintain a level of oxygenation. The hypertensive response also helps keep you from passing out in these incredibly stressful situations because it also forces blood to your brain. Acetylcholine is confirmed to be on average 75% lower, which along with GABA causes the differences in muscle tone, a standard symptom. For example, one of the GABA subreceptors has been specifically implicated in muscle relaxation, this is why a standard effect of benzodiazepines is considerable muscle relaxation. The other effect of anxiety from insufficient effective GABA levels, fear response from the amygdala, and sensory sensitivity, causing extreme discomfort and greatly contributing to the other effects as well. Are you starting to see? It's all synergystic, like an endogenous-exogenously mediated self-perpetuating traumatic cycle. Back to Acetylcholine, it also has a primary function in triggering rem sleep, a clear implication for why the amount of REM is so much lower, and of course you can start to see how all these other factors will contribute to the enormous sleep problems that are common. I've noted before that I either don't dream or barely remember my dreams, and if I do they seem shallow and insignificant, not particularly intense or lucid, and my experimentation with galantamine before bed, which I posted some research/writing about it's use by some in lucid dreaming, commonly considered the most effect supplement there is for it, confirmed that with surprisingly intense and lucid dreams. Back to synapses, you have this insufficient pruning which leads to vastly increased electrical activity and is a principle cause of the extreme sensory issues, to the point where they have to wear earmuffs, sunglasses, and special clothing. You can become uncomfortable in your own skin from it, stimming behaviors are an attempt at self soothing and distraction from this, and an attempt to drown it out. It's also been confirmed that at rest neurological activity is about 40% higher median, once again stemming from synapses, an effective imbalance between glutamate and GABA from the deficit in the GABAergic pathway (something along the line of the process is broken, which masked the importance of this because simply measuring levels of GABA in the brain showed normal levels), this is again related to all these other factors working in conjunction, why autistics retreat into their own inner world, because the world is so overly intense, bombarded by sensory information, that it's completely overwhelming, to the point where other people are drowned out and they don't even respond to their own parents much of the time. This locked in state also amplifies the traumatic cycle I described above, lost in their thoughts replaying trauma over and over. The hypermemory aspect also contributes to this, GABA levels have been shown to have a clear inverse correlation with certain forms of memory. The OCD thought patterns from serotonin and glutamate. The amygdala and it's response is clear, in our evolutionary past you had to navigate enormous landscapes, requiring vast amounts of information. As described above the importance of this fear response makes it clear that, and it is undoubted, that, for example, if you come across a bears den and masturbate you'd better damn well remember to stay away from there in the future. It's like a piece of computer hardware encoding information far more rapidly and effectively than normal, but this can backfire.
Put it together and you have an autistic individual. Even if we haven't found the big bang, one big trigger that causes it all, some vast chain, or it could be very polygenetic, which would make it very difficult to treat, you can still very effectively address these symptoms. I know the clear cocktail of drugs we have available, some experimental or used in animal testing, to alleviate them. The therapy, modifications in environment and interactions with other people, primarily the parents, is also relatively simple and crystal clear.
By god, I wrote that all in one go, a stream of consciousness rant, and there are bound to be some things that I missed, but the main parts are there. There are so many studies I'm able to find because I can recall unique or uncommon strings of words, particularly memorable segments, and then use a simple google boolean search or search on a specific site (The NCBI/PubMed). There's so much data I could pour into this to fully flesh it out the full paper would be immense.
It's the beauty of neuroscience, the attempt to understand ourselves, the primary medium responsible for our perception and interaction (Will and Representation!) with the world, what perceive as consciousness. It's all a chain of causality and if you have the neurological abnormalities, the extreme end of human behavior/traits, that can help you grasp this, despite all the drawbacks, a mediated form of autism (Asperger's) you may be able to contain the enormous complexity and develop a higher level of understanding, a hyper-systemized order of information in your mind. -
2017-05-04 at 2:28 AM UTC in Just got out of the ER
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2017-05-04 at 2:20 AM UTC in Just got out of the ERScron, do you seriously not remember all the posts you made about your fucked up life, particularly that one thread a few weeks ago or so where you were about to skip work without calling in, just wanting to cry, doing drugs instead, meeting up with these alleged hookers who might rob you or something, and getting kicked out of your mom's house and becoming homeless?
My god man, how could you look down on others. -
2017-05-04 at 1:38 AM UTC in Just got out of the ERBill Krozby, Scron, why do you do this to our threads? I doubt you even enjoy it.
Originally posted by Totse 2001 People making 6 figures or upper 5 figures is low income in San Francisco. it doesn't buy you shit. such a high demand for housing. I like the building a shed Idea.. on youtube, total hacker guy built an awesome cellar dweller in the woods and lined the walls with cardboard and had a laptop with an external charger I guess mounted on a tree. Someone fell into the stairwell he had tried to place plywood with dirt on top while he went to work. and reported it to the state park. I guess they saw the solar panel on the tree and refound the (What would you call a hole with stares.. spider hole)? he rigged it up all comfy, with a makeshift kitchen and dried and can foods. if it's dry you really wont have a bug problem.
Woah! That's exactly the kind of idea I had, although mine was to find some abandoned underground station out of the way and seal it off. Slowly smuggle in equipment through a hidden entrance, do some tunneling and building, make it liveable. It would be like a supervillain's lair.
Do you have a link to the video? That was a really dumb reason for it to fail and the person who reported it is a bitch as boy scout uptight narc. It could absolutely work. Hell, if I manage to recover enough in a few months I should start scouting locations in SF. -
2017-05-04 at 1:24 AM UTC in Just got out of the ER
Originally posted by Bill Krozby yet you and malice judge people on lives they've never experienced. Who'd of thunk?
Bill Krozby, if there's anyone here who deserves to be judged, it's you. I really don't know what to say to you. There's a reason nearly everyone here dislikes you. You need to engage in some serious introspection and come to terms with why that is.
Post last edited by Malice at 2017-05-04T01:39:20.999248+00:00 -
2017-05-04 at 12:08 AM UTC in Just got out of the ERBill Krozby, I hadn't been off 12-16 hours, it had only been a few and the withdrawals were already happening. I was that deep in it.
Why do you think they gave me so many bags of fluid and repeated shots of Ativan and Phenobarbital? My heart rate was at a range that was dangerous if it remained there for a prolonged period. One of the guys remarked, "Phew, they got two bags running at full speed." And even with all that fluid it took me a long time to feel I had to piss and give a urine sample. It would have been extremely dangerous to go cold turkey, I had been drinking a ton for an extended period of time. Lanny was a total wimp compared to me, he's never even been hospitalized for withdrawals. -
2017-05-03 at 7:11 PM UTC in Just got out of the ERAlso, went to Walmart for the first time in god knows how long to fill my prescription. Made an effort to say high to people. Was walking around waiting to pick them up, went to the electronic section at some point, after buying some things for the feral cats I've been taking care of and trying to get to trust and get used to people so one day they can go to a good home. The person at the cashier section had two bottles of cough syrup, and asked me, "The red one or the blue one" because of my hair and the way I was dressed, with a business style blazer, sunglasses, and my new haircut (Wasn't going for The Matrix, tbh). Mind went blank and I chose blue for some reason without a witty response (Would have said: Blue for now, I want to wait until Elon Musk saves us all and we merge with general intelligence. That red world looked pretty bad.)
At the cashier I made a joke/small talk for the first time in my life. It was small cute Asian girl, seemed like she wasn't born in the US (I don't judge).
After placing all the other items, including the ones for the cats I made a silly joke by holding up these two:
And saying, "Hey look, one for them and one for me."
She laughed and said "How cute." -
2017-05-03 at 7 PM UTC in Just got out of the ER
Originally posted by SCronaldo_J_Trump You're a fucking faggot that needs to get a job I'm writing this with 5 minutes of my smoke break left you fucking Sir cucks a lot. Go to work homo, I was homeless a year ago you whiny little bitch.
SCron, what are you talking about? Do you honestly not remember all the threads you made where you clearly had serious problems and were about to do something incredibly stupid?
I'm not saying this to insult you at all, it's because I know what it's like in some ways, although I can never fully understand since I haven't lived your life. -
2017-05-03 at 6:59 PM UTC in Just got out of the ER
Originally posted by Sophie You cannot possibly know how other people experience life.
I'd highly recommend the webcomic "Adventures In Depression" by Hyperbole and a Half. It's a fun read, and the webcomic is famous, this 2 part series is considered by even professionals as one of the most accurate depictions of what severe depression is like available. It destroys your ability to function, radically alters the way you perceive the world, and kills critical aspects of your humanity.
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html
Think of all the members of our community that have died in various ways. You may have considered some of them friends. What had they experienced, what were they going through during the time leading up to that to cause them to die?
Originally posted by Phoenix I mean you're not wrong, but whatever. 4 suicide attempts in the last year. I'll succeed eventually. I don't really like TinyChat anymore. Later this week I might be going to see a movie with a friendo I met while I was homeless. I dunno. Psychiatrists and psychologists would be resources better used on people more damaged and more willing to accept help… it'd be selfish to waste their time.
Phoenix, listen to me, this is 100% exactly the kind of attempts at rationalization that people who are severely depressed and suicidal use. To the point. I've read so much it's as clear as day. You have to ask for help, there's no going back from death and you'd feel differently if you did and worked through this. It wasn't scary or degrading for me once I broke through and made that final step. With the right treatment within only a month you can see a remarkable difference. -
2017-05-03 at 6:50 PM UTC in Just got out of the ER
Originally posted by Dargo Malice, I'm glad you're doing better. Honestly I am.
But you talk like you've been in a war zone and watched all of your closest buddies get blown to bits right in front of you. Recover from what? Your self imposed misery? The fuck, dude. There are people who experience real, traumatic things in life, and you ain't one of them. I don't get it.
I'm on the autism spectrum. Read about the intense world theory. It affects you profoundly. There were countless things that contributed to this. The anxiety and fear is always there and far beyond the normal range of human experience, your negative emotional responses are intense due to hypertrophy of the amygdala, severe OCD from abnormally low serotonin levels and other things cause them to be ingrained, you're bombarded by an immense amount of sensory information.
You don't end up like this without having something profoundly wrong with you to begin with. I was undiagnosed, school was hell for me after elementary, I was always suffering in silence, my family barely spoke to each other, father was unbelievably angry and irritable. Tons of other fucked up shit happened that would take a long time to explain.
There's a misconception about PTSD that it's only caused by one major event, but it can be from multiple over the years, things over a prolonged period. I had literally been in a state of suicidal depression for the past 3 years, severely depressed for 2 before that, although I didn't realize it until the breaking point when I had a mental breakdown. Began locking myself away, the world closing off around me, to an extreme extent. It's not all in your brain, this is one of the worst misconceptions about mental illness, people who have never experienced it themselves often don't understand, say the worst things, and see themselves as superior.
"She seemed so accomplished and happy, always had (put on, like a mask) a smile on her face. What happened? Well, people like you can miss the signs and, tragically, suicide happens. Then things are never the same and they always wonder why and if they could have done anything different. Severe mental illness can happen for no reason at all, due to a genetic predisposition.
People with Asperger's have a life expectancy 12 years shorter than average because the suicide rate is so high, there's a 65% comorbidity with severe depression and anxiety, thoughts of suicide are 10X the average, even among children and teens on the autism spectrum the rate of suicide is 10-20x normal, children, life outcomes are very poor.
Have you ever seen an autistic person? It's a horrendous disorder that destroy lives and families. You don't know what it's like and everything I've been though. -
2017-05-03 at 10:40 AM UTC in teh retraded thred herppppp slober fuk glum editshinI think it can be a valuable tool, but that ideally you should move on and learn to apply that sense of connection, acceptance, intimacy, and love to all sentient beings. Essentially the Buddhist view.
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2017-05-03 at 10:09 AM UTC in Just got out of the ERI am, I broke through. I'm still severely depressed and will need to be on medication for the rest of my life, which I'm okay with, we're all dependant on something to live and popping pills a few times a day isn't even nearly as intensive as having to eat, but the worst part is over. I don't think I'll ever become this bad again, and if I feel like I'm starting to, I'll ask for help.
It's finally behind me, and even though I'll need years to fully recover, everything's going to be okay now. Even my bloodwork came back fine, thank god. I can move forward. -
2017-05-03 at 10:03 AM UTC in Just got out of the ER
Originally posted by reject Lanny gon' get raped
Is it the hair? We punks aren't as scary as we seem.
All kidding aside, I'm literally close to being asexual right now and would never do that to someone, and have never felt the urge to. That just isn't who I am.
But I'm not asking to meet with anyone, I just meant if anyone requested it I may be up for it, with no one in mind *shrugs* -
2017-05-03 at 9:57 AM UTC in Just got out of the ERI actually would be willing to meet up with people now. As awkward as it may feel beforehand, we can just pop some xanax, smoke weed, and relax. There are a lot of things to do where you don't necessarily have to talk that much, but they're still fun to do with others and it's nice to have someone there.
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2017-05-03 at 9:17 AM UTC in Just got out of the ER
Originally posted by SCronaldo_J_Trump Thats what you get for taking shitty RCs like tpain and nsi89 and god knows what else.
I do bundy, meth, cannabis and drink beer and I work every day. When I watched NHK I was on heroin at the crack shack but I never even thought about going to the hospital unless it was to pretend to be a junkie and get more opiates
Scron, you are not okay. Many people here aren't.
RisiR, you need to start seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist. Let go of the past.
Lanny, I think you should consider that your alcoholism could have an underlying issue, even if you're well off in some ways. I honestly didn't realize I was severely depressed until I reached the breaking point. Before 5 years, and some of you may remember how much I used to joke on Zoklet before lapsing into severe depression, I would constantly joke in TRT, write about the countless ideas I had, things I was researching/had an interest in, these enormous well researched walls of text, but even then I wasn't really happy and still incredibly damaged, then breaking point happened and I had a mental breakdown, followed by nothing but everything there is to be sad about in life and a stream of thoughts of suicide.
Phoenix, it's so obvious you aren't okay at all and on some level you know that if you remain on this path things will never change. I know why you want that sense of connection in TinyChat, people to talk to, but it isn't the same. You need people IRL, even a psychiatrist and psychologist, although it may take a bit of time to find one that's a good match for you, and that's normal. Don't get discouraged and give up like I did.
Number13, you had a mental breakdown and became a hiki like me at a considerably younger age, so of course you need similar health.
The Duke, if you're still alive, I hope you made it past your severe alcoholism. It was literally killing you.
Anyone I missed: Even if you're still clinging to this site, it's because it's the only sense of community you had, a place long ago where you felt you truly belonged. If you're spending an inordinate amount of time on here or other places trying to fill the need for people in your life, you're incredibly lonely and need to make a change before things get to this point. We didn't evolve to be alone, we need each other, and there are good people out there. -
2017-05-03 at 8:52 AM UTC in Just got out of the ERTook another visit. I hadn't slept in days before going in the first time, got out at midnight, couldn't sleep until around dawn, then passed out until 10 PM, when all the pharmacies were closed or closing after searching for ones nearby, their hours, and checking how long it would take to get there. Instead of panicking and resorting to alcohol, even contacting Lanny and begging to meet up near, I just went to the ER and told them what had happened and everything was fine. I got another IV of fluid and shots of Ativan, which just make me feel closer to what normal must feel like. Chilled for a few hours on my phone while someone checked my vitals once a while and gave me a new shot.
Before this I was a hikikomori, had such severe untreated anxiety, been in a state of suicidal depression for the past three years after a mental breakdown and everything that had occurred before that, had absolutely no one in my life during that period, become agoraphic and anthropophobic to the point where I would barely go outside, have literally gone a month without stepping foot out multiple times, probably said less than ten a month only when going outside out of necessity, such as "thank you" to cashiers, or the process of depositing rent into my landlord's account, a barely audible "thanks" at the grocery store while wearing sunglasses and averting eye contact, all the countless things that I dwelt on in my mind, all alone with nothing but my thought.
This is hikikomori to the core. But I made it, I know I've broken though and I feel like crying out of happiness in longer than anyone should.
I finally made it and I can't wait to see how good it gets from here and what's out there in the world. It's like being freed from prison for over 10 years.
As is traditional in animeland, the ceremonial cutting of the hair. I've wanted to try a Taxi Driver style look since I saw the film years ago, although it's closer to Chu from Yu Yu Hakusho in style, not I have the courage to pull it off and try something different than the same standard hairstyle I'd had for years.
Some people have invisible disabilities, no matter what they look like on the outside or even how they often come across online you have no idea what they've gone through and are going through. Be excellent to each other, it's the past path toward happiness and fulfillment in life.
If anyone is going through something similar, eventually you can make it too. Don't be afraid to ask for help, to accept you need others.
I made it, I survived, and everything's going to be okay now.
Omedetou
