Idk why I like it so much. A lot of people don't. But I have amazing memories of being off my head on mushrooms, gabapentin and Kessler whiskey, stolen brandy...and just having a swell ol time at beach bonfires in my Pendleton, smoking camels with the Vietnam era zippo I carried bc I thought it was super cool. Hanging out in people houses while their parents were gone. Good wholesome delinquent fun. Watching The Hills Have Eyes with 3 hoes all bundled up together on the sofa, until one of them starts giving you a handjob for a laugh. Lol.
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Originally posted by mmQ
I am too gonna die . Stop giving me false hope. I just want like FOUR MORE YEARS. maybe die on my 40th birthday or some shit . Password changed to xhootie bevause I loved her and I never wont stop.
I guess that's a thing about me. I would've had done that for my dad but passwords weren't much around when he died.
Youre fucking 36. Fuck all yall.
im 31 and look and feel like im 48
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Originally posted by mmQ
Yes. All of that happened. Also I was with my sister the whole time; shes the one who told me about it. Oh and she took a picture of me at the mario wall.
Just pictured AC Slater smiling in tight jeans as he hops the border wall
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Originally posted by DontTellEm
Please. My arms are literally bigger than urs. I would break ur penis nose to match ur dick. U better get ur weight up, weak boned, disease ridden faggot
Shes perfect.
Dont say that kind of stuff to krauz tho pretty sure hes got a thing for CBT youd just be giving him a freebie
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Had molloscum and probably chlamydia when I was a young gont. I say probably bc the girl told me and i did a quick google search and told her just split her meds with me so we could bang.
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One of the last girls I was with liked to be seriously roughed up, burned with cigarettes, knifeplay, rope play, choked, etc. wasn't my thing at all at first but I ended up taking to the more masculine role. God knows I haven't been laid in forever but I'd be way too freaked out to try it with a girl I didn't know super super super fucking well. And if I really care about her, I'm a lot less likely to tape s plastic bag over her head.
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Yeah I was trying to make this a serious thread. I was hoping at least a person or two would do the workbook stuff. I was surprised how much i got out of that.
I guess Ill try to get it back on track.
Havent used heroin or anything since November 30th last year. Down to 42mg methadone. Even forgot to take it for the last 2 days. lol.
Blood pressure is down to just "not great" numbers. Im down to 341 lbs from 385 in march- according to my bluetooth digital scale. The Zoloft seems to be helping a bit, but im at the lowest dose. Still dont feel fantastic, but i feel a lot less awful if that makes sense. Havent sold antiques in 2 or 3 months, and let all my connects dry up since i didnt have the willpower to delete them outright.
Ive been talking to a bunch of people every day and walking with my neighbor, dragging him to meetings. Just getting out and doing stuff. Getting a lot more hopeful. Way more grateful, present. I think I mentioned before the homeless guy I chased down. I also went out in the backyard the other day to rub the cats belly while she flops from side to side on the driveway (the only things she gets excited about are food and Flops), and then I saw this little strawberry plant id potted a couple years back. There was just this one tiny wild strawberry, shiny like a juul (fuckin lanny)...perfectly formed. Smelled great. And I could feel the sunshine, and take a big breath of air. Its so fucking easy to get mired in feeling like dogshit. But each day can have a little zen moment like that, if you retrain your mind.
We're all actually so fucking lucky. Most here are of at least average intelligence -= despite evidence to the contrary. You can breathe and walk and eat. You're likely not a grotesque monster. You have clean drinking water and a place to stay.
It feels like the end of an acid trip kind of. I realize how everything ive done for so long, isnt in line with my values at all. I thought to make connections with people, to be more of a man, I needed to be scary and violent and do risky fucked up shit. I thought i couldnt handle life so I crammed food in my face and took all the drugs i could afford.
But im actually a really good dude. Any time in my life when its come down to it, in extreme moments, Ive done the right things. Its the more subtle grey areas of morality that i really lost myself. But ive kind of come to believe that i can have a different life. I cant quite see it yet, but i feel it. I can be in shape, and feel good about myself. I dont need drugs to get through life. God knows they didnt do anything to make me feel better at the end. I can use all this bullshit to be a better person. Kind of like a near death experience...it just changes your perspective on everything. When you begin to see all the treads connect, and understand that all the different manifestations of dysfunction all stem from a lack of balance, fear, unhappiness, inability to confront life head on.....it reframes the way you do everything. Everything is a choice.
Who "you" are is just a collection of stories you tell about yourself, loosely related to experiences youve had. Being beaten by your father doesnt make you a broken alcoholic. Losing a significant other to cancer doesnt mean youre afraid of intimacy. Going to prison doesnt mean youll always be an outsider. Having a leg amputated doesnt mean you need to lower the bar for yourself. Getting dumped doesnt mean youre unlovable. Its all just fucking stories. Of course actualizing so your life falls in line with your values is a bit more work, but you can stop repeating those mantras to yourself at any time. Its pretty fuckin cool.
Anyway...I feel better. Coming up on a year off dope. Then ill be off methadone by probably end of February. Hopefully ill be below 300 by that time too, if not sooner.
Thing is, its so easy to get hung up and obsessed over timetables and stuff. But things mean so much more when you have to work and struggle for them. Nobody gives a fuck when someone just gets what they want for no reason. Theres a reason that NCOs whove had to grind for their promotions...are more respected than other officers. Theres a reason that people applaud and cry when an 80 year old finally gets their diploma. People love underdogs. People love to be reminded of how to be strong and not give up.
Being unhappy and not working to change is just slow death. Simple. If you died in 50 years exactly the same as you are now....would you be happy with that? I probably wouldnt. If you have the ability and even an inkling that you want a better life for yourself, but you arent taking any steps to actualize it, its cowardice pure and simple.
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A friend got engaged and my addict brain was like "Man.....we're never going to fuck again."
And now that her fiancee called off the wedding and shes all sad, Im like "You should probably send her pictures of your dick"
Thanks brain. Ill probably just let other people think for me for a while.
Someone from my meeting told me he saw a gorgeous homeless girl outside a gas station, and he thought "I could probably get her to give me a handjob for $20"
And i was like "lol u faggot. Who pays for a handjob?"
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