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Posts by CASPER
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2019-06-21 at 9:12 PM UTC in Malice isn't dead.
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2019-06-21 at 9:10 PM UTC in Malice isn't dead.
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2019-06-21 at 6:47 PM UTC in The Recovery Thread (The Other TRT)
Originally posted by OG_GREENPLASTIC_JOHNSON_III This is an aspect of recovery that I sometimes go back and forth on. On one hand, I've had the addict tendency to not be secure in my own decisions without having someone or some people validate them, and I feel like I just need to take the risk and do whatever I need to do without caring what other people think. But also that "fuck everyone else i'm gonna do me" attitude can get me in shit neck deep real quick too.
Yeah Im at the exact same place. I dont necessarily feel like i need someone holding my hand through everything, but when you start peeling baqck layers, you see how fucked up your thinking is.
For example few months ago i was getting a haircut, was gonna go straight to work. Uber was going to be $20. Its usually like $4. I said fuck that shit. Called my mom and asked if I came home and the price didnt go down in an hour and a half or so, could i pay her for a ride to work. She said sure. I go home. I shower to get the hair trimmings off me cuz they itchy as fuck. 45 min after the phone call, im sitting on the edge of my bed bullshitting on the internet, and shes standing by the door jangling keys. I ask whats up (considering i wasnt planning to leave for another 20-45 min), and she says "I told you im not going to get stuck in rush hour traffic. If you want a ride we need to go now.". I say im not even dry from the shower, I need to get dressed and pack my work bag still. She gets annoyed. I say "If its a major inconvenience i can just call an uber". She says "SO ive been waiting here for an hour for you for nothing?!" I query "Were you going someplace?" and she says "THATS BESIDES THE POINT". I say fuck this im calling an uber. She slams doors, says im a selfish piece of shit, etc. Sends me 3 or 4 angry messages while im at work.
In my mind, my thinking was -If this is going to be some gigantic clusterfuck, id rather just pay the $18.50 and NOT have someone holding over my head that they "had to drive through rush hour (1:00pm)" to get me to work. Running it by my sponsor though, he said that i asked someone to do me a favor, whioch they were willing to do, but then i said i didnt need it....so in essence I was being selfish and inconsiderate of her time. I still dont know if i agree with that assessment fully, but i can see it being a bit inconsiderate. When she was ready to go, i probably shouldve just shut the fuck up and gotten dressed, just taken what was already packed with me.
Anyway...shit like that. Everyone has weird mental ruts you get into where you think your impulse is automatically the right thing to do. But its good to have other people to check you if youre being fucking crazy.
Originally posted by GGG How far do you guys wish to clean up? Is 100% sobriety the goal for some of you?
This is a good discussion point too.
Ive been thinking about this a lot.
Granted, this answer may evolve as i get deeper into the program but right now, the way my brain feels is that I never feel the need to do any "hard drugs" again. Ideally i would drink "normally", or the way I do now. Ie- drink when i feel like it (which is not very often), and to excess only on special occasions maybe twice a year. Be able to go out to bars, have 3 or 4 beers, drink wine with dinner. Basically:
Alcohol occasionally
Benzos with about as much frequency if I absolutely feel i need them (Ive been pretty solid on this since ive had hundreds of xanax/ ativan/ flubromazepam/etizolam for years...and just kept them locked away.
Mushrooms/LSD/DMT/psychs/hallucinogens- whenever i feel the need (which is not very often)
Maybe its just my "need" to have "control", but i like having the option open to do the things id probably do, if the occasion came up to do them. I like smoking cigars. I like drinking sometimes. Its relaxing. Its meditative. Im able to get out of my head. Maybe thats the problem with drugs and addiction in general...not being able to learn to be in your own head. ANyway I just dont want to be that stick in the mud who has to explain that I cant do any of this stuff bc i made bad decisions 15 years ago. -
2019-06-21 at 6:30 PM UTC in The Recovery Thread (The Other TRT)
Originally posted by Common De-mominator Maybe what you have to conquer is this self doubt? Perhaps this thread is a harmful enabling of that self doubt.
Maybe. But when youve been in addiction as long as a lot of us have, your thought processes are all kinda fucked. If i have a friend thats using and completely making their life an absolute dumpster firer, is it better to stop talking to him until he starts trying to get his shit straight, or is it better to hang around and try to be "supportive" while hes being a fuckup?
Or should i go with my inclination to ride out a "relationship" in which the girl wants to communicate all the time and is really sweet, but reciprocates none of the energy i put in...hoping that the reason shes like that is just bc shes fucked up and damaged...or do you cut anchor. Do you stop talking to her altogether or try to explain why? Should you
Stuff like that.
Im fine making decisions on my own, but a lot of times my first impulse is anger or retaliation and selfishness and that shits lame yo. -
2019-06-21 at 6:13 PM UTC in The Recovery Thread (The Other TRT)Ummmm.... Been "clean" since. November 30th last year. Idk what did it. Mushrooms and CBD i think. And just being tired of everything. Having no real friends. Ducking cops. Crashing cars. Constant chaos. Basically just having no hope, and wanting to kill myself all the time. Anyway im down to 93mg from 165. I only take half my dose on the days i dont have to go to the clinic, so its probably more like 50mg. The gym made me feel better for a while, but i kept hurting myself and then i just get lazy.
Ive been thinking that i need some new employment, but tbh i havent really been putting in the work. If we're honest, a lot of the timw when we say we've been "trying" to do something, all that usually means is that we've just been entertaining teh thought of something, without actually putting forth any effort. I get easily overwhelmed and end up just doing nothing, and I hate that.
Turned 31 last week. Was fucking weird. I always hate my birthdays bc it reminds me of how legendary of a fuckup i am, but this year a lot of people i hadnt talked to in years said hi, and i ended up hearing a lot of shit i didnt want to hear...along the lines of that I was a good dude but a horrible influence, and people had to leave the state and shit to shake me and get me out of their lives. I heard that the girl Ive felt guilty for introducing to drugs and then subsequently got brain damage...is still in a hospital, but she calls other people in our friend group. And my immediate thought was "You fucking ungrateful cunt. I let you live with me for a year and a half. I paid off your tickets. I re enrolled you in school. I got my ass kicked dragging you out of a mexican tweaker den when you were all strung out and prolly getting trains run on you by all the dudes. After all that shit i did for you, IM the one thats so fucked up that you cant even message me back or call to let know that youre okay?"
But then i realized the reaction I was having was very based in addiction. It was a selfish reaction. I felt like she owed me something for the effort i put in to her life before. Me owed me attention. But if i really cared about her, I should be able to understand that maybe she decided not to keep in contact so that she wouldnt be tempted to use. If i actually care about someone, i should want them to be happy and okay regardless of whether or not we're involved romantically, or even communicating, or whether we're still talking. You cant be sober if your level of love for a person is proportional for what theyve done for you lately, or whether they meet your expectations of what they should be doing. Just doesnt work that way. So that was a interesting lesson.
And then a girl who I was close with in HS. After graduation we were always flirty and stuff, but the timing was just never right. We sexted and stuff all the time, but after she got out of a particularly bad relationship with some cokehead drug dealer in Florida, i was honest and told her i was still using, and she said she wanted to still stay in contact with me, but she couldnt meet up with me or let her take me take her out to dinner. I was all kinds of butthurt, and my kneejerk reaction was "If im so toxic that you cant have dinner with me for an hour, ill just give you all the fucking space you need>" And essentially i blocked her and let her think i was dead.
Anyway she texted me out of the blue a month or so ago, and we just started talking again, and I guess i knew she was in a relationship, but it kinda just felt like we were talking like we were in hs again. A couple days after my friend dies, she texts me that shes engaged. I wanted to say "BITCH BAD TIMING", but i halfheartedly congratulated her ...which also felt like a dick move bc you have to try kind of hard to make your lack of enthuisiasm felt over text message. I think I said "Oh wow thats so huge congrats". lol. No exclamation mark or anything. But of course the REAL first thought in my mind, in the midst of grieving my dead homie, was "Well i didnt even get to fuck her first. Thats not fair". lol.
Anyway...i fell asleep typing this so ill just leave that here.
tl;dr- Im still all kinda of fucked up, but im not on heroin so thats....good? -
2019-06-21 at 6:49 AM UTC in The Recovery Thread (The Other TRT)Since it seems like this is a thing a lot of people are dealing with right now, and ive been getting a lot out of NA meetings/sponsorships...I want to have this thread be like an ongoing Anonymous-style meeting. Some people even do skype meetings with people across the globe. You dont have to be 100% serious all the time, but try to refrain from being a faggot. And this is going to be a place where all the forum politics won't be. No matter how friendly you are with someone...if theyre doing something stupid or destructive, you can call them out on it here, and theyre legally not allowed to be butthurt in any other threads. Its also been really helpful for me to have a sounding board of people to run certain decisions by. So i dont have to obsess over whether im making the right choice or not (since i know im fucking crazy and i make some stupid decisions.
Talk about whats going on with you, how you feel about it, what youre trying to accomplish. Im going to try to scan and upload all of the various workbooks and shit tomorrow, so you can do that shit if you want. Honestly a lot of the other shit is hella gay, but the step working guide has been really helpful.
Anyway RIP in peace to this thread in advance, but lets talk about feelings. No homo. (ALL HOMO).
E:WORK BOOKS BELOW
https://drive.google.com/folderview?id=1brmUcLC9De4D2t0GOlOdA1slnThjOhUH -
2019-06-21 at 6:40 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Malice Metro EditionI prefer william bill bill kr0zbybyby
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2019-06-21 at 6:28 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Malice Metro EditionI think imma start a recovery meeting thread. Like an NA meeting, but just in a thread.A lot of people seem to be kinda getting their shit together or thinking about it, so it might be handy. Im not wild about all the stuff, but the Step-Working workbook is actually pretty handy for prompting you to examine your behaviors. I might scan all the literature and put a google drive link in the thread so anyone can use it, answer at their convenience. And of course itll have to be a free fire zone. Youre not allowed to get butthurt about someone calling you out on your shitty behavior.
Itll probably die just like my Bill Krozby jukebox threa (since he doesnt want to be inside anything that invites him to be a part of it), but its worth a shot. -
2019-06-21 at 6:23 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Malice Metro Edition
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2019-06-20 at 5:01 AM UTC in I hate oxys
Originally posted by Thotgirl Dude I can't poop for days and I'm taking oxys as prescribed. Ever had a fecal impaction? Do you know what they do to cure it? The dr literally shoves his hand up your ass and pull out the shit at the end of the procedure your ass feels like you took tyrone's massive horse cock..
Your diet sucks then. Eat fiber. Drink water.
I didnt shit for 32 days on heroin and i survived. I think youll make it thru. -
2019-06-19 at 3:10 PM UTC in anxietyDitto
I would expand on that, but I jut woke up and I've got to lay in bed for a few hours to decide whether to kill myself or not. -
2019-06-19 at 3:08 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Malice Metro Edition
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2019-06-19 at 2:47 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Malice Metro EditionThis dude is channeling me
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2019-06-19 at 1:11 PM UTC in What are you doing at the momentDoing planks and back exercises, trying this meditation app, debating whether to jump on steam for a bit
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2019-06-19 at 12:12 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Malice Metro Edition
Originally posted by Octavian They insisted. They asked a series of questions then just said we're sending a doc out.
I wouldn't say it's an emergency or w.e but they are concerned nontheless.
I have pin-prick blood spots on my legs also.
Lol. Whatever you have, i have the same thing. I always have pretty intense itching esp when i get out of the shower which i dont remember when i was doing heroin. Had bad edema in my legs 5 or so years ago, and got little pin prick blood spots all over my feet. So much so that now the tops of my feet are tan and look like theyre covered with freckles. Very weird shit. Also had a painful lump in my nipple, but it stopped hurting so much. decided it would be lulzy to go out from tit cancer after living like a bitch for a decade plus. -
2019-06-18 at 4:45 PM UTC in Anyone used to post on Zokletlol. Moped gang violence.
I can't. Not today.
/unsubbed. -
2019-06-18 at 2:12 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Malice Metro Edition
Originally posted by MORALLY SUPERIOR BEING VII: Mattchews Camping Trip I sometimes feel like I may be an ssri zombie, but it's what works for me.
But basically I don't experience much in the way of emotions at all.
My only feeling is a continual sense of unease and angst, and SSRIs help me bury that.
I feel like id be cool with that. Right now im either just numb and exhausted, seething and ready to hit someone, or i start thinking about something fucked up or regrettable, and i cant stop crying so i scream into a pillow until my throat is hoarse, or punch the door to my dresser. Id be cool with just "generally okay/not bothered".
Originally posted by Octavian Yeah till I start buying more stuff for my apartment, games console etc, I just lie back and watch shit on Youtube. I'm going to start getting back into reading. My main priority is sobriety, everything else will fall into place once maintained.
Stop buying cocaine, fag.
Or do what i did at the end and mix the shit your snorting with salt. If you're not willing to fuck your sinuses up, get a massive infection and splitting sinus headache to get your high, you clearly dont want it bad enough. Aversion therapy eventually did the trick. Shooting it hurt, smoking tar made it so i could hardly breathe and got chest pain, and snorting it did the aforementioned. -
2019-06-18 at 2:07 PM UTC in Malice isn't dead.
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2019-06-18 at 1:17 PM UTC in I like my coffee how I like my mencoffee is 2 stimmy 4 me
I drink iced tea. Thats about it.
Ill drink espresso n cream sometimes if theres one of those fancy espresso machines, but never been a fan of hot beverages. Im already fat n sweaty without being more hot n sweaty at 7am. -
2019-06-18 at 1:15 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Malice Metro EditionI mean i imagine normal people have like 4-5 main things they have to do each day. Pay rent. Go to work. Call plumber. Take little Starsceam Goldstein to ballet recital. Call dad to wish him a happy fathers day. Even that minimal amount of responsibility just feels like too much stuff. Its not so much the quality of the things i have to do, but just having to do anything at all. It seems i can manage getting up, working for 4 hours, showering (maybe...depending on how itchy i am) and watching youtube videos. Ive been wanting to finish watching The Expanse and play some video games, but every night when i get back home, it just seems like too much to do. I started watching other people play the games on youtube bc then i dont have to do anything.
Its fucking weird.
