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The Recovery Thread (The Other TRT)
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2019-06-21 at 3:19 PM UTCI'm probably gonna be sober for my birthday but if it was up to me I would be very fucked up.
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2019-06-21 at 3:20 PM UTCUsually my parents send me money to buy weed or a new bong or something but I think they forgot I exist lol
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2019-06-21 at 3:20 PM UTC
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2019-06-21 at 3:22 PM UTC$$$
I have money but I would rather buy food. Maybe I'll get a cheap beer and a gram and practice moderation -
2019-06-21 at 3:24 PM UTCcreate a gofundme ghost. seriously man you could easily get hundreds if not thousands if you make up a great enough story of your life and the dire straights your life is in right now. people fall for everything and anything these days. put the rest of the family to your church or whatever or use it all on weed/drugs.
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2019-06-21 at 3:25 PM UTCI have taken a vow of poverty so I pay less taxes
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2019-06-21 at 3:26 PM UTC
Originally posted by Ghost $$$
I have money but I would rather buy food. Maybe I'll get a cheap beer and a gram and practice moderation
you just don't know how to get drugs for cheap enough, i could do like a 3 day mult substance binge for like 40 bucks. or you could just go ask a homeless person to sell you a couple lines of meth for 10 bucks -
2019-06-21 at 3:34 PM UTCI don't know where to get drugs in Toronto. I could probably find drugs if I looked hard enough but I hate interaction with humans and sketchy people.
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2019-06-21 at 3:39 PM UTCso once you get the money...hide it. make a hole in your wall/floor, put it in a mini safe, use something to cover it up...there you got your drug money. bam.
j/s you can't be looking hard...i listed areas to go in that other thread of yours..i'm not gonna just hook you up with a dealer/friend i might know in said area. i might get shot or worse. you just gotta make connections everywhere and those peeps will know dealers. -
2019-06-21 at 3:45 PM UTC
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2019-06-21 at 3:49 PM UTCI'm fine with sketchy people, I'm used to that walk of life but I just don't have the patience to walk around chasing homeless hookers and doing drug deals with randoms.
Maybe it would be different if I was single -
2019-06-21 at 4:31 PM UTChi, my name is vinny,
and ive been sober for three (3) months. -
2019-06-21 at 4:40 PM UTC
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2019-06-21 at 6:13 PM UTCUmmmm.... Been "clean" since. November 30th last year. Idk what did it. Mushrooms and CBD i think. And just being tired of everything. Having no real friends. Ducking cops. Crashing cars. Constant chaos. Basically just having no hope, and wanting to kill myself all the time. Anyway im down to 93mg from 165. I only take half my dose on the days i dont have to go to the clinic, so its probably more like 50mg. The gym made me feel better for a while, but i kept hurting myself and then i just get lazy.
Ive been thinking that i need some new employment, but tbh i havent really been putting in the work. If we're honest, a lot of the timw when we say we've been "trying" to do something, all that usually means is that we've just been entertaining teh thought of something, without actually putting forth any effort. I get easily overwhelmed and end up just doing nothing, and I hate that.
Turned 31 last week. Was fucking weird. I always hate my birthdays bc it reminds me of how legendary of a fuckup i am, but this year a lot of people i hadnt talked to in years said hi, and i ended up hearing a lot of shit i didnt want to hear...along the lines of that I was a good dude but a horrible influence, and people had to leave the state and shit to shake me and get me out of their lives. I heard that the girl Ive felt guilty for introducing to drugs and then subsequently got brain damage...is still in a hospital, but she calls other people in our friend group. And my immediate thought was "You fucking ungrateful cunt. I let you live with me for a year and a half. I paid off your tickets. I re enrolled you in school. I got my ass kicked dragging you out of a mexican tweaker den when you were all strung out and prolly getting trains run on you by all the dudes. After all that shit i did for you, IM the one thats so fucked up that you cant even message me back or call to let know that youre okay?"
But then i realized the reaction I was having was very based in addiction. It was a selfish reaction. I felt like she owed me something for the effort i put in to her life before. Me owed me attention. But if i really cared about her, I should be able to understand that maybe she decided not to keep in contact so that she wouldnt be tempted to use. If i actually care about someone, i should want them to be happy and okay regardless of whether or not we're involved romantically, or even communicating, or whether we're still talking. You cant be sober if your level of love for a person is proportional for what theyve done for you lately, or whether they meet your expectations of what they should be doing. Just doesnt work that way. So that was a interesting lesson.
And then a girl who I was close with in HS. After graduation we were always flirty and stuff, but the timing was just never right. We sexted and stuff all the time, but after she got out of a particularly bad relationship with some cokehead drug dealer in Florida, i was honest and told her i was still using, and she said she wanted to still stay in contact with me, but she couldnt meet up with me or let her take me take her out to dinner. I was all kinds of butthurt, and my kneejerk reaction was "If im so toxic that you cant have dinner with me for an hour, ill just give you all the fucking space you need>" And essentially i blocked her and let her think i was dead.
Anyway she texted me out of the blue a month or so ago, and we just started talking again, and I guess i knew she was in a relationship, but it kinda just felt like we were talking like we were in hs again. A couple days after my friend dies, she texts me that shes engaged. I wanted to say "BITCH BAD TIMING", but i halfheartedly congratulated her ...which also felt like a dick move bc you have to try kind of hard to make your lack of enthuisiasm felt over text message. I think I said "Oh wow thats so huge congrats". lol. No exclamation mark or anything. But of course the REAL first thought in my mind, in the midst of grieving my dead homie, was "Well i didnt even get to fuck her first. Thats not fair". lol.
Anyway...i fell asleep typing this so ill just leave that here.
tl;dr- Im still all kinda of fucked up, but im not on heroin so thats....good?The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2019-06-21 at 6:30 PM UTC
Originally posted by Common De-mominator Maybe what you have to conquer is this self doubt? Perhaps this thread is a harmful enabling of that self doubt.
Maybe. But when youve been in addiction as long as a lot of us have, your thought processes are all kinda fucked. If i have a friend thats using and completely making their life an absolute dumpster firer, is it better to stop talking to him until he starts trying to get his shit straight, or is it better to hang around and try to be "supportive" while hes being a fuckup?
Or should i go with my inclination to ride out a "relationship" in which the girl wants to communicate all the time and is really sweet, but reciprocates none of the energy i put in...hoping that the reason shes like that is just bc shes fucked up and damaged...or do you cut anchor. Do you stop talking to her altogether or try to explain why? Should you
Stuff like that.
Im fine making decisions on my own, but a lot of times my first impulse is anger or retaliation and selfishness and that shits lame yo. -
2019-06-21 at 6:33 PM UTCI really feel like I'm motherfucking myself with weed dude. I didn't really see what was up for way too long. The thing is, it's way too much of a good thing for me. I can sit around smoking weed and thinking about the universe and existential questions and shit all week. Most of my philosophising comes from smoking a pipe on my balcony in my rocking chair. I sit there and write.
The problem is that I have found myself becoming extremely alienated from other people. I find myself babbling gobbledygook that people do not understand and even I maybe half understand. I cannot enjoy experiences properly any more because for some reason I am always hyper observant of my own mental processes. When I place something sweet upon my tongue, I immediately notice how hollow the experience is. Like it's there, and it "feels good" in a certain way. But there's nothing really to it, I sort of examine it and ultimately it just feels like another mere happening. Even when I'm having sex, I will literally find myself observing myself mentally and not actually being in the moment. -
2019-06-21 at 6:47 PM UTC
Originally posted by OG_GREENPLASTIC_JOHNSON_III This is an aspect of recovery that I sometimes go back and forth on. On one hand, I've had the addict tendency to not be secure in my own decisions without having someone or some people validate them, and I feel like I just need to take the risk and do whatever I need to do without caring what other people think. But also that "fuck everyone else i'm gonna do me" attitude can get me in shit neck deep real quick too.
Yeah Im at the exact same place. I dont necessarily feel like i need someone holding my hand through everything, but when you start peeling baqck layers, you see how fucked up your thinking is.
For example few months ago i was getting a haircut, was gonna go straight to work. Uber was going to be $20. Its usually like $4. I said fuck that shit. Called my mom and asked if I came home and the price didnt go down in an hour and a half or so, could i pay her for a ride to work. She said sure. I go home. I shower to get the hair trimmings off me cuz they itchy as fuck. 45 min after the phone call, im sitting on the edge of my bed bullshitting on the internet, and shes standing by the door jangling keys. I ask whats up (considering i wasnt planning to leave for another 20-45 min), and she says "I told you im not going to get stuck in rush hour traffic. If you want a ride we need to go now.". I say im not even dry from the shower, I need to get dressed and pack my work bag still. She gets annoyed. I say "If its a major inconvenience i can just call an uber". She says "SO ive been waiting here for an hour for you for nothing?!" I query "Were you going someplace?" and she says "THATS BESIDES THE POINT". I say fuck this im calling an uber. She slams doors, says im a selfish piece of shit, etc. Sends me 3 or 4 angry messages while im at work.
In my mind, my thinking was -If this is going to be some gigantic clusterfuck, id rather just pay the $18.50 and NOT have someone holding over my head that they "had to drive through rush hour (1:00pm)" to get me to work. Running it by my sponsor though, he said that i asked someone to do me a favor, whioch they were willing to do, but then i said i didnt need it....so in essence I was being selfish and inconsiderate of her time. I still dont know if i agree with that assessment fully, but i can see it being a bit inconsiderate. When she was ready to go, i probably shouldve just shut the fuck up and gotten dressed, just taken what was already packed with me.
Anyway...shit like that. Everyone has weird mental ruts you get into where you think your impulse is automatically the right thing to do. But its good to have other people to check you if youre being fucking crazy.
Originally posted by GGG How far do you guys wish to clean up? Is 100% sobriety the goal for some of you?
This is a good discussion point too.
Ive been thinking about this a lot.
Granted, this answer may evolve as i get deeper into the program but right now, the way my brain feels is that I never feel the need to do any "hard drugs" again. Ideally i would drink "normally", or the way I do now. Ie- drink when i feel like it (which is not very often), and to excess only on special occasions maybe twice a year. Be able to go out to bars, have 3 or 4 beers, drink wine with dinner. Basically:
Alcohol occasionally
Benzos with about as much frequency if I absolutely feel i need them (Ive been pretty solid on this since ive had hundreds of xanax/ ativan/ flubromazepam/etizolam for years...and just kept them locked away.
Mushrooms/LSD/DMT/psychs/hallucinogens- whenever i feel the need (which is not very often)
Maybe its just my "need" to have "control", but i like having the option open to do the things id probably do, if the occasion came up to do them. I like smoking cigars. I like drinking sometimes. Its relaxing. Its meditative. Im able to get out of my head. Maybe thats the problem with drugs and addiction in general...not being able to learn to be in your own head. ANyway I just dont want to be that stick in the mud who has to explain that I cant do any of this stuff bc i made bad decisions 15 years ago. -
2019-06-22 at 3:21 AM UTCEdited OP with link to the literature
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2019-06-22 at 3:40 AM UTCI completely get the whole control thing. It's 100x easier to practice moderation when I have a substance on hand. If I don't have it I'll eventually fixate on it and crave it.
As a result I have a huge collection of drugs I've used to supplement and take in the place of other drugs. It's like I need to keep something from every class. Stimulants to wake me up, opioids because opioids, weed to wind down, some sort of GABA agonist to take a break from worrying, nootropics because I'll never be smart enough, psychedelics even though I have zero desire to trip and haven't for years.
If I didn't have this control I'd just be obsessing over ways to find control. My worst fear is being in a place where I'm completely unable to alter my consciousness in any way possible. I don't need to actually do it, I just need the power to. -
2019-06-22 at 6:04 AM UTCevery time i feel worthless i read comments and they make me feel more worthless
why am i here
anywhere
i used to be enjoyed
i used to like myself
now i am shit, grabage, a fecal desoitory
im nothing
rebuke me rebuke my life
leave me to die
etecetra
i want to die in an oven hot, wearing a hat, screaming unctronallably
