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Posts by My Wife Is Dead
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2020-05-07 at 4:51 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!
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2020-05-06 at 10 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!So this one time at our party house, OMG was drunk as fuck, and was wearing a set of dollar store safety goggles. He was bragging about how his eyes were essentially invincible and nothing could fucking touch them.
To prove this point, he took an airsoft pistol, and held the barrel against the goggles, looking straight down the fucker. He pulled the trigger, recoiled in pain, and then started running around screaming. When all was said and done, his eyeball looked absolutely shitfucked red and bloodshot, and the dollar store safety goggles had a perfect airsoft by hole through them. -
2020-04-16 at 8:16 PM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!
Originally posted by MexicanMasterRace I hope this is real
If you ever met OMG, you wouldn't doubt any aspect of the story. You might be surprised, sure, but not doubtful. He says he was on his best behavior, and I'd totally support that claim--but he has a tremendous capacity for not being able to read a situation, and he was drinking hard as fuck.
Originally posted by CASPER i couldve sworn i spoke with poast and OMG on the phone a couple times, and the first time he was legit afraid his ol lady would hear us discussing the turner diaries so i find this DUBIOUS at best.
Whether or not OMG is actually racist (which I don't think he is) isn't really the moral of the story. It's that he has no self awareness to understand how he's being perceived.
This was technically the first time any of his old Humboldt friends came to visit him since he left the state and he was pretty overwhelmed with excitement. I'm pretty sure he was doing the jokes for shock value, he has a generally solid excuse as to why he was so close to us while we were sleeping, and I think he was 100% sincere and thought he was giving a good apology the next day.
It's less funny if I admit he wasn't trying to be an asshole and is just a misunderstood idiot, though. -
2020-04-16 at 11:33 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!So one time I decided I can't fucking deal with OMGPLZUNBAN because I have lots of stressful shit going on, and he's too stupid to not piss me off. Figured I'd take a break from the guy, but wish him the best from a distance.
Fast forward to a couple weeks ago during the height of this pandemic scare, and I hear OMG's super depressed and shit. Told some girl I've been sleeping around with the situation to get her thoughts on it, and she told me to call him and try to cheer him up because even though I'm butthurt, I obviously care about him. Solid advice, I guess, if you don't understand how absolute degenerate pieces of shit my friends are.
I call up OMG, he's shocked and overjoyed. We shoot the shit for a while while we're both shitfaced, and I let slip how much I hate my cats. I'm drunk enough to be claiming I'm probably going to murder one of them, and OMG is taken aback. He tells me he'll take one off my hands before he lets me do that. I think "hell yeah, gonna get rid of this cat that I was too pussy to ever follow through with getting rid of!" Called him back the next day, and he confirmed he was still down to take it.
Called the girl, and told her about how I need to plan a road trip to visit him now. She offers to bankroll the trip. So just like that, in the middle of a worldwide emergency, I'm roadtripping through five states to deliver a cat to some drunk and lonely asshole. The morning I'm about to start driving, OMG texts me and tells me to invite the girl, too. I figure she'll just shoot me down, because she's pretty sensitive to loud assholes and is VERY politically correct. I warn her that she'll probably get offended if she shows up. She says she's well aware of OMG's stupidity and can handle it. Neither of us took into account how OMG has changed in the post-Trump era, or we just assumed he'd put a fucking lid on it as a courtesy.
The trip took almost 20 hours of high speed driving with a cat screaming in the back of the car, and when we show up, OMG is TRASHED. Looks like he hadn't slept in days, but he's super excited to see us. He's pretty well behaved for the most part, and the instances of alarming dangerousness were attributed to him just being drunk. We hang out a few hours, then eventually me and the girl get hit with the driving fatigue. We tell OMG we're going to bed, he hooks us up with blankets, and then goes to his room. Ten fucking minutes later, he storms into the living room and just shouts something to the effect "I fucking HATE niggers!"
I don't even open my eyes and can see this shit is going downhill quick. I tell him "Go to bed, bro, you don't know what you're doing."
Then he just keeps asking us antisemetic jokes waiting for us to answer, getting frustrated that we just keep telling him to go to bed, and then giving us the punchlines. Eventually the girl yells at him to shut the fuck up and go to bed, and he gets butthurt and leaves the room. Once all was quiet, the girl says "I don't feel safe here" and I am just like fuuuuuuck.
I talk her into spending time with OMG the next day, but she can't be convinced to stay another night.
Next morning, I'm half asleep, and she rolls over to face me. I kiss her forehead, and she half asleep says "stop kissing me faggot." We both get startled awake by OMG hovering the fuck over us and laughing his ass off. We just stare at him in horror as he's killing a beer. I check the time, and we literally only slept 2 hours, and here that magnificent bastard is, wide awake, cackling at us and appearing for all intents and purposes to have been watching us sleep. The girl and I are both very alarmed, and without words, agree this is fucking sketchy.
Things happen, we buy breakfast, and the girl is brushing her teeth. OMG and I are in the living room, and he asks me if I want to stay a few more nights. I tell him "dude, we were PLANNING on that, and I'm pretty sure you fucked it all up with that racist shit last night. Maybe kiss girl's ass, and we can work on convincing her it's still cool to do that."
OMG looks at me like he understands, chugs some beer, and then yells in the direction of the bathroom "I'M SORRY YOU DON'T THINK MAKING FUN OF NIGGERS AND jediS IS FUNNY! I'D MAKE FUN OF WHITE PEOPLE, BUT THERE'S JUST NO GOOD JOKES ABOUT THEM!"
And at that moment I knew the girl and I would be leaving as soon as possible.
I've told OMG this story like 3 times already, but he keeps asking me why we didn't stay longer. Now that it's typed out, maybe he'll remember. I didn't even hit on all the horrifying shit he did, just the stuff that ensured he'd piss off the girl he invited over (and also paid for the whole trip). I love the guy, but he's a goddamn monster. -
2020-03-13 at 4:22 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!
Originally posted by OMGPLZUNBAN One time I fucked Ho-Zillas elbow. Why you ask? Because WifeDead told me he did once. So the next day at work I'm trying to brag to him and he tells me, "No dude. I fucked a knee."
That night I went home and fucked her knee.
Dude, it was a chick's ARMPIT that I fucked. You have her lube up the pit, then she lays on her side so that she's on top of her arm. Fucking a knee or elbow just sounds tedious for both parties. -
2020-01-19 at 10:06 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!Another time at work, I was mashing an industrial amount of potatoes with a massive steel masher. OMG slips in behind me like I'm Demi Moore, embraces my hands like a beautiful Patrick Swayze, and starts erotically helping me mash potatoes.
Our boss, Boston Rob, walks by and says "fucking faggots." And then walks away. -
2020-01-19 at 10:01 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!
Originally posted by OMGPLZUNBAN So one time…..
WifeDead and I were working a applebees. Some nigger worked there and made manager in no time flat. I mean nigger not because he was black. But because he was a piece of shit. He ordered wings and requested drum sticks only. So WifeDead made him a serving of all wings with one drum stick. He was pissed. We were good buddies so this retard called us both into the office, during a rush to say how it was unprofessional or something. WifeDead showed up to work drunk and pulled out a baller move and just said, "Ain't no thang but a chicken wang." A solid argument looking back.
Poast recently convinced me to jump in and tell some stories, and you stole the one I was going to tell.
You didn't even give that hilarious story the justice it deserves. Sir was mad pissed and we were on the chopping block for getting fired after that, I'm pretty sure the district manager only let us keep our jobs because she thought it was cute when I said "ain't no thang but a chicken wang."
Drunk me is pretty good at being stupid, funny and sexy all at the same time. As evident, me and that one manager you were trying to get with made out in her car when she drove me to the ER after I cut the tip off my thumb off while drunk at work. Tongue deep, bleeding all over her car and everything. When I got back with all my stitches, she had cleaned up and acted like nothing ever happened but always had a winky look when she walked by me.
Anyways, some other funny story is the infamous "48 hour blackout." Me and like 5 other dudes (OMG included, not sure if Poast was there) got so drunk that we all lost two days. Nobody knows what happened, but some sober dude stopped by at one point and said he walked in and found a goddamn dogpile of dudes passed out in the center of our living room in the middle of the day and b-lined it for the exit.
At the tail end of the 48 hour blackout, I woke up with some chick in my bed. Me and OMG shared a bunk bed, and I had top bunk because I was the beta. We all three woke up around the same time, and OMG threw on The Dark Knight for the hundredth time because that's what we always watched.
I start watching from above, girl starts watching with me. We can't see OMG, but he keeps up with commentary. At one point, OMG is just babbling about shit nobody cares about, she yells down "SHUT THE FUCK UP, I'M TRYING TO CHEAT ON MY BOYFRIEND!" and then looks at me.
OMG says back "What?" I'm looking at her like "lolwut?" And she says "doesn't matter, the guy I wanted to hear it heard it" while looking me dead in the eye. I figure fuck it, and start feeling her up. Things escalate quickly, and OMG notices. He eventually leaves the room and slams the door super butthurt.
I end up banging the fuck out of her to The Dark Knight and pausing to quote my favorite scenes. I was straight up balls deep watching the movie saying shit like "YOU THOUGHT WE COULD BE DECENT MEN, IN AN INDECENT TIME--BUT YOU WERE WRONG!"
We wrecked that bunk bed, and she probably fucked off shortly after because I have no memory of ever seeing her again. The icing on the cake is that years later, OMG told me she fell asleep in his bed and he started feeling her up, and she said "dude, I have a boyfriend" then climbed up into my bed. Apparently I have more game than OMG while sleeping than he does at his best. -
2019-11-17 at 7:33 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!
Originally posted by vindicktive vinny the x-files OST just fired in the back of my head after reading this.
There's probably a degree of conspiracy involved. Less "aliens dunnit!" and more "government incompetence covering up for more government incompetence."
Originally posted by Sudo wow man, I'm really sorry to hear that…Do you have any indicators or any sense of closure after all that?
No real closure. The people her death effected are still working on figuring out what to make of it all. Again, I appreciate you being considerate. Thanks, dude. Shit'll work itself out or it won't. I suck at getting over stuff, but as long as I'm still alive, every day's another opportunity to move on and better support the people she cared about. -
2019-11-16 at 11:15 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!
Originally posted by Sudo did your wife really die? I remember you posted pictures together and looked like a good couple. She was busty with black hair and glasses and was beside you in a matching Halloween costume. If she's dead I'm sorry for your loss and hope you've found some solace
I appreciate it, bro. Without getting into too many details, because I'll just end up sounding like an angry and edgy fucking prick, she did legitimately die. I don't even know how she died. But I know how much her brain weighs and how her spleen reacts to being cut in half. Where's the fucking justice in that?
Originally posted by OMGPLZUNBAN I was a drunken dousche constantly hassling her for some months.
Hassling doesn't even begin to describe it, and it went on for over a year before you ran away to live with your parents in another state.
You should *really* just not talk about her ever again, bro. I'm doing my god damndest to not drive to Montanna and beat the ever living shit out of you right now. -
2019-11-16 at 4:04 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!
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2019-11-15 at 8:44 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!
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2019-11-15 at 4:10 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!
Originally posted by OMGPLZUNBAN We both agreed that a girl was about to kick our ass.
She had at least 100 pounds on us, and was FURIOUS. I don't think either of us had the balls to punch a fat woman at the time, so we both mutually knew if we stuck around for one of us to get grabbed, they'd be getting their shit kicked in by a fat woman. Some battles are only truly won through retreats. -
2019-11-15 at 3:02 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!
Originally posted by OMGPLZUNBAN Fucking lulz. Who was the 'actress'? And why are you into fisting porn? And where is that video of that guy fisting another dude up to the elbow before literally shoving his foot in his butt?
God. This story brings more questions than answers.
Don't remember the chick's name, deleted the text because I was cringing out fucking hard. It didn't stop the message from getting sent, I just didn't want to see it in my chat log anymore. Out of sight, out of mind, amirite?
I'm not in to anal fisting porn. I was just bored as shit and going down the rabbit hole on Pornhub because I was bored as shit on a 12 hour shift with nobody to shoot the shit with.
And the guy didn't go elbow deep in that old video. He went fucking ARMPIT deep. Other guy was taking it like a champ, then when they switched roles, the guy that just shoved his ripped muscled arm up another guy's ass is basically screaming in pain when the other guy's just shoving a dick up his butt. I honestly have no clue what ever happened to that video. It was fucking hilarious. -
2019-11-15 at 2:22 AM UTC in A Nicolas Cage appreciation thread! 100% custom rage in the Cage LOLcats inside!
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2019-11-15 at 2:17 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!
Originally posted by OMGPLZUNBAN Anyone have a funny anecdotal story to share? This thread has it all!
For work, we have to check in every hour by text in a group message. I just copy/paste the same message so I only have to write the new time every hour.
Well last week, I was looking up bizarre porn while working, and guess I copied one of the actress's names between the hours of 1am and 2am. At 2am sharp, I send the message "0200*name of pornstar that if you google it is just footage of her anally fisting herself*"
I hit send before even reading the message. Nobody has commented on the fuckup, so I'm hoping the other guys were sleeping or just didn't notice. Either way, I quit that job for unrelated reasons. Last day is this weekend. -
2019-11-13 at 5:13 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!
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2019-11-12 at 12:16 PM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!
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2019-11-12 at 5:29 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!
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2019-11-12 at 5:28 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!
Originally posted by OMGPLZUNBAN Only the same thing you've been threatening for two months.
Over a made up confrontation. You got it buddy. Love you regardless. Get some.
This defeatist attitude is literally the most homosexual thing you've ever done, and I've seen you give a dude a hickie so hard he bled.
That dude was me. -
2019-11-12 at 1:50 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!
