I wonder if "wanderlust" is an evolutionary response to stagnation/ perceived lack of opportunities n resources? It's kind of a universal concept. But youd think we would be better programmed to prefer routine and stability, comfort. Just made me think...what is it that's so gratifying about seeking out strange, new, unknown things?
I'm not even going to bother rereading to see if I just said something retarded. I'm high. Gnight.
2019-01-08 at 12:58 AM UTC
in
TinyChat
No one was in there last time I graced the room with my presence
Yeah the tar here is pretty incredible. Even with my massive tolerance, if I shot more than .3 or so, I'd be in a bad way. Then again I was buying pretty significant quantities at the end, so I probably missed a couple rounds of middle men fucking with it.
And while I'm all weepy-gay and keen to spill my guts....I dont know many people who've "managed" as well as I have. I'm just really really good at being someone else. Even when I was wrecked off of 6 zyprexa sample packs, crack, heroin and klonopin, shaking and puking all over the back of a honda civic and the last of my clean laundry, I still had cash in my pocket and a car to sleep in, so add hit wasnt that bad. Upon review, the car crash wasnt just an accident. I wasnt on the phone, and I have no doubt I'd have passed field sobriety too, bu th whatever the case, my brain turned off for 10+ seconds and I completely forgot I was moving 70mph down a busy street. I snapped back to conscious a couple seconds before impact. I can't even imagine what I'd do if I had seriously hurt someone.
The rain is dripping outside my window and it's quiet, except for the hum of a computer fan. And I feel a sad kind of hopeful, if only because for a few hours I've been able to get out of the sludge of fatigue and depression that's my brain. It feels like a flashback to being a kid. I'm not sure why. I've been wat hang a bunch of weird shit on YT, and I watched a really good video on how the English language puts emphasis milestones and time, and what you are doing NOW, and if you're on schedule...while other languages refer to time as a continuum. It's really easy to get caught up in the belief that you've messed something up beyond the point of salvation, but instead of focusing on the things I've missed out on, I should Ben focusing on the future, and the skills and attunements I've developed as a result of the path I took. It makes me feel a bit better about things.
So right now? I feel okay. And that's really all I want, honestly.
I also might be drunk. But a weird mellow 3 bottles of wine over the last few hours drunk, instead of whiskey and coke and meth bumps sloppy kind of drunk I'm most accustomed to.
Idk why, but I get the feeling if I started smoking again regularly, I'd have an okay chance of being sober a while. Weed just seems to poke me up through the cloud layer just enough to see some sunshine. Opiates work too, but really just to make me so numb and foggy that I don't have to think about much of anything. It's just the key that fits the tumbler lock of my brain just perfectly. But the feeling of being almost baseline instead of always at a low...it's nice. I don't remember the last time I listened to music for enjoyment or wrote or anything.
2019-01-07 at 8:56 AM UTC
in
TinyChat
Casper Finna give this bitch a hot beef injection
So my mom was going through her normal shtick and I just started crying and told her to stfu because my brain is broken. That'll teach you to ask me to do things. She got all preachy when I admitted that I smoked weed to clean the kitchen. But half the time I don't even have the energy to get up out of bed or bathe myself. It's not my imagination. Idk what is is, but something, chemically/hormonally/whatever...just isn't right. And I get the other side of it, but having someone telling you to just suck it up and stop being sad is just infuriating. In a way I'm glad for what I've gone through, because I get a different perspective. Before drugs, I thought that addiction was just a matter of choice. But it's a lot more intricate than just choosing to keep destroying yourself. She was talking about my grandma and her dementia, and she was almost angry at her, saying "she didn't want to have to deal with the fact that her husband had a stroke and was permanently disabled, so she decided to go hide away in a corner of her mind- there's nothing PHYSICALLY wrong with her." And I'm just thinking, you think someone just makes the conscious decision to lose their mind? There's a reason why the human brain does strange things to cope with trauma. It's because it can't deal with it rationally at the moment. She didnt just make a decision to shirk all responsibility and tuck herself away for a brain vacation. She saw the healthy, brilliant man she loved and came to rely on for 30+ years, reduced to a slack jawed, diaper wearing infant....and it scared the shit out of her and she didn't know how to deal with it. She didn't make a choice.I don't know how else to explain it to my mom.
Anyway. I guess I just forget how incredibly fucked up I am. If this weren't a gradual change over the course of years, like if someone just woke up feeling the way I do on a daily basis, they'd be so alarmed they'd go to an ER immediately. I suppose in neglecting medical intervention, I'm really not much better than the Christian Scientists I laughed at as a teenager. But everything seems like to much to deal with, and as with everything else in my life,I feel like if I ignore things for long enough, they'll resolve themselves without me having to DO anything. It's frightening to imagine an entire life where you have no choice and nothing changes, but it's so easy to make that choice every morning, and in no time at all, twenty years have passed.
Idk. Idk.
Anyway. Carry on.
I am fat, and I appreciate a good 3" elastic stretch waistband.
Also: mystery medical diagnosis videos on YouTube is not the shit to watched when you're stoned off your tits, drunk and on a low dose of mushrooms at 3:30 am.
Like the exact wrong thing. Now I can lay here and listen to my jangled damaged genes creak like a wind blown wooden sign as the metasticized melanocytes tumble in every drop of blood to every vital organ and then slowly begin to break you down cell by tortured cell.
Ugh. This doesn't seem like CBD only weed to me. Js.
E: Fast forward 150 years and the neo stoner new agey amethyst buttplug hipster queefs were all correct, and CBD derivative is actually a miracle drug that reverses cancer growth and makes your dick huge and your brain super neuronally dense. Sure we might make fun of you guys for paying $85 bucks a bottle for CBD-only, organic vaginal lubricant, but I guess jokes on us when all you velvety softbois are alive and well in 2125 getting some deus ex dick augmentations, and all of us gravelly, salty bona fide vital, masculine junkie specimens are all 60 years past worm food, declined and liquid, in languid idiotic interpretation...some unbeguiling, reassembled pablum born of teenage mirth.
Fuck. What the fuck was that? It's like gimp suit Alan Ginsberg riding a cattle prostate stimulator to a death metal soundtrack.
I'm going to bed now.
I look forward o finding this tomorrow.
2019-01-02 at 5:07 PM UTC
in
Niggas are taking over Texas
Why is an over representation of blacks a thing to celebrate, and a roughly equal to their % of population of whites a bad thing?
Perhaps someone can school me in race theory.
