More about eyes which changed my life: How you see colour depends on the mood you're in. If you're down the world really will seem grey. Colours are more vivid when you're happy. That's how I know how I feel.
I read somewhere people with light-coloured eyes are less affected by alcohol and meds but I'm not sure which meds.
I’ve drank nearly a whole bottle of vodka and feel sober it’s weird but happens sometimes.
Then there’s the other line where you need help and go to a professional as self care but if you open your mouth you get sectioned which isn’t self-preservation really.
What I’m saying is if you’re self-destructive and your psychologist suspects you are but you manage to hide it by not saying anything then do they really care? Are you deemed sane then even if they suspect otherwise?
I don’t usually regret things but for some reason can’t stop thinking about the sessions with the psychologist as a total waste of time, that I want to go back in time and run from the office. Right now I’m wondering if it was stupid of her to give me her work email, who would want a mentally ill person blowing up the email address they’re not meant to share? She said it was because she wanted me to send her the list of social rules I’d made. It was a total waste of time because she didn’t really listen to me or do anything, and I didn’t tell her anything. A mental health history isn’t good for anyone. Sometimes I wonder if they even care if you’re mentally ill, that all that matters to them is you aren’t hurting yourself or other people, then you’re sane. Does trying to hide that you’re mental make you sane? I know self-preservation is all it means to them. Then I wonder about that line, there’s things I’m scared to think about because once you cross that line you’re crazy, but who put the line there?
like i've had a lobotomy, drinking another bottle of vodka, means i'll go deaf soon haha
This other guy tried to force me saying cringe things like “the safe word is you screaming for help”. I never agreed to anything like that and wasn’t going to let him make me scream, just kept telling him to stop touching me and thankfully someone came into the room. It gave me ptsd though from feeling vulnerable and I thought it wouldn’t go away until I did the same to him by stunning him, but I never saw him again. I’m fine now.
I wish I could feel anger towards my friend who raped me because then it’d be easy to cut ties, but he just seems pathetic and I pity him enough that I don’t want him to go to jail. I don’t want other girls to get hurt though.
I remember this news story about victims of marital rape, and I said to my mum isn’t that everyone since it only became illegal in the 90s? She didn’t say anything, so now idk what to think of my dad.
At the end of WW2 there was mass rape of German girls by the Red Army in Berlin, millions of them raped repeatedly resulting in thousands of suicides. They all did it because they could get away with it and I’m just not surprised when someone turns out to be a rapist. They’re pathetic.
A black church under the northern lights, Mik wearing a bunny hat, anime cafe with Jiang. She was wearing a blue dress with pearls at the cuffs, yellow tights. I had a white shirt with multicoloured seams, ordered pear slices and apple juice, then we went for a walk in a Victorian garden.
